Today, I found out what my husband meant when he said he "accidentally... - FML

By TmWhisp - United States

Today, I found out what my husband meant when he said he "accidentally installed an indoor pool" last night. FML

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Triage

Serious times

Fishy anxiety

By Hotdamnthisismyjam - Canada

Today, I went to the bar with some friends. When we walked in, we picked a table at random in the same area as a bunch of older men. The oldest, fattest ugliest man at the table looks me over then stares at my chest. He then starts to motorboat the air in the direction of my boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I both developed food poisoning from last night's sushi. Our apartment has one bathroom. FML

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By Mangled Shoelace - United Kingdom - Renfrew

Today, I embarrassed myself by screaming for help in a crowded mall when my shoelace got stuck at the top of the escalator. Someone behind me kicked the shoelace and it came out easily. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, instead of waking up to soft sunlight creeping in the window or the gentle trill of birds, I was awakened by the sound of my dog vomiting all over my bed. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By missprude666 - Australia

Today, I had to sit through 10 minutes of hearing a man on the tram tell his friend in explicit detail about all the filthy sex acts he'd like to do to me. His friend told him to take a photo to jack off to later. When I tried to tell the tram driver, he told me to "take it as a compliment." FML

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend went and bought Skyrim, Modern Warfare 3 and renewed his WoW subscription. Looks like I won't be getting laid for a month or two. FML

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By Anonymous

Self-sabotage

Today, I was hanging out with a guy friend I hadn't seen for ages. The sexual tension was off the charts. We were making out and think were progressing, hands were roaming to both nether regions when I freaked out and blurted out, "But aren't we just friends?" We then sat and watched TV. FML

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By Moosh - Australia

Today, my stepdad did a crap in the shape of the number 2, took a picture of it and showed it to all my friends at my party, while we were eating. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/2/2021 02:01

Stalker vibes

Today, my ex-girlfriend got some new piercings and decided to show me. They are the exact same piercings that the girl I'm currently seeing has. I'm starting to think she's still keeping tabs on me. FML

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By Emily - 28/12/2020 17:01

Gun control

Today, only a few hours after getting certified and buying my first pistol, I dropped it and blew off two of my toes. FML

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By flaggurl - United States

Today, I was in my backyard scolding my cat. I yelled, "If you can't learn to use the bathroom correctly then I am going to leave your stupid butt out here in the snow until you figure it out!!" Later, my neighbor left me a nasty note about child abuse - she thought I was scolding my son. FML

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By banana12321 - United States - Fresno

Today, I thought I had gotten away with throwing a party while my folks were gone the night before. They came home and I was as sweet as possible. I could tell they were not buying it, but I thought I was in the clear. Later, they told me I had drunk-dialled them and spilled the beans. FML

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By ScarredDaughter - United States - Chula Vista

Today, my family and I were laying on my parents' bed watching a movie. My dad wrapped his arm around me and began rubbing my shoulder. That would have been fine, if it actually had been my shoulder and not my boob. Needless to say, we were both mortified. FML

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By spenmy - United States

Today, it was a little colder than it should be for this time of year, and as a result I was using the heater in my car. Apparently within the last four months, a mouse managed to make his way into my heater vent and die. I can not get the smell of death out of my car. FML

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By Preggo - United States - Memphis

Today, I was food shamed by my boyfriend in front of an entire restaurant and his parents because my meal cost more than his. His mom chimed in saying her meal usually costs more than his step dad's too and not to be upset. I'm 8 months pregnant, of course mine costs more. FML

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By Brie - United States

Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML

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By Randomspaghetti - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By John - United States

Today, while walking home I was jumped by two guys, one of whom shouted, "You shouldn't have run your mouth off, Rick!" My name is John. Only after they repeatedly axe-kicked me in the chest did they realize their mistake. It now hurts to breathe. FML

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By Phoebe - Singapore

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

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By Who1s269 - United States

Today, my wife told me that getting in the mood to have sex with me is like trying to get in the mood to hit the treadmill. FML

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By ladyofzanarkand - 10/6/2020 14:19

My cousin the shitgibbon

Today, my cousin posted an article on Facebook with the caption, "This warms my heart." The article was about a teenager who was bullied to suicide for being gay. FML

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By can't sleep - United Kingdom - Leeds

Cats give great advice like "Shit in a box!"

Today, I can't sleep. I don't know what's crazier, the fact that I have been lying in bed, staring at the ceiling for about 5 hours, or that I have been asking my cat for advice. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I found out my ex just got engaged to a girl he met 3 months ago, shortly before he ended our 5 year relationship. His reason for breaking up was that he didn't believe in marriage and couldn't be with someone who wanted to get married. Right. FML

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By Coquette - United States

Today, I realized just how awful my relationships have been when I discovered I emotionally connect with women on Jerry Springer. FML

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By everybodypoops

"Pooping and Shit"

Today, while at a rest stop, I heard a woman in the stall next to me answer her phone and say to the other person, "Oh nothing just pooping and shit." FML

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By Mini-wanker - United States

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my wife stopped halfway through a blowjob to check a notification on her phone for a game. FML

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By kingpin9219 - Canada

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend in a crowded mall. I thought this was a good idea, until she went ballistic, began screaming and crying, and then stabbed me in the stomach with a ballpoint pen. I got banned from the mall. FML

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By annoyedgf

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend standing at the end of the bed staring at a large wet spot. Boy do I know how to pick 'em! FML

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By boyfriendisatoss - Australia

Today, I had two surprises for my boyfriend who was at work. One was a dessert and the other was sexy lingerie. He chose the dessert. Then told me I was an idiot. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I came home to tell my parents about my new nose job I got about a month ago. My mom always told me I should get one, so I didn't tell her right away to see if she would notice. I was home for about 20 minutes before she asked me, "so when are you getting that nose job?" FML

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By Ashy104 - United States

Today, I asked my mom if she thought I looked skinny in my shorts. She jiggled my leg fat, looked up at me and walked away. FML

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By Janer88 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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By AfraidOfToxicity - 21/7/2020 02:02

Hypocrisy

Today, I had a friend quit every friend group we shared, all because I refused to show him favouritism in my D&D campaign, after I changed the rules to reduce favouritism between everyone, because he'd complained. FML

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By BabyDaddy - Australia

Today, I found out that my girlfriend of five months is pregnant. Apparently, she stopped taking her pill two months ago because "we" wanted a baby. I don't recall ever having that discussion with her. FML

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By AkiAnime - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I found out that the huge project I've been working on for the past week is actually a group project. Everyone in my group knew. They were just letting me do the entire thing by myself because I'm "smart". FML

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By Anonymous - France - Issy-les-moulineaux

Today, I had a heart attack. In the hospital the doctor compared my heart to that of a stressed out 60 year-old's. I'm 17 and I don't even have a job yet. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got hit on. By a high school kid. Who looks exactly like Napoleon Dynamite. That was the only time anyone has ever hit on me. FML

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Top comments

By Kidd_Ant | 18

#6604792 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:18

This, is what the FML photos were always meant to be.

By fakedsincerity | 32

#6604795 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:25

OPs day is going swimmingly.

COMMENTS

By Kidd_Ant | 18

#6604792 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:18

This, is what the FML photos were always meant to be.

By Tarlachia | 33

#6604794 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:21

My job includes the cleanup of such floods. This is worse than I've ever seen in all my 10 years of experience. I'm impressed and horrified at this.

By fakedsincerity | 32

#6604795 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:25

OPs day is going swimmingly.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6604816 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:51

Damn, that's deep.

Reply

fakedsincerity | 32

#6604824 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:05

I sea what you did there.

Reply

Kidd_Ant | 18

#6605090 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:22

Buoy, u guys are fun.

Reply

Liamj774 | 36

#6605278 - Saturday 14 May 2016 3:23

Yeah man, whatever floats their boat

Reply

The_Unlucky1 | 19

#6606040 - Sunday 15 May 2016 4:27

Water you trying to say?

By ThatLastKid | 21

#6604817 - Friday 13 May 2016 12:53

This is the best FML photo I have seen.

By Phantomsnake | 10

#6604823 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:03

Snorkeling is better than diving.

By jzidar24 | 12

#6604827 - Friday 13 May 2016 13:12

How does that even happen?!?!

Reply

TheGoatKing | 3

#6636721 - Sunday 26 June 2016 11:43

I wanna know too

By TMWhisp | 22

#6604857 - Friday 13 May 2016 14:30

Woohoo!

By rivimatt | 20

#6604881 - Friday 13 May 2016 15:00

First good FML photo

By falafelbooger | 1

#6604963 - Friday 13 May 2016 17:19

Are we sure that this image wasn't just taken from the web? It appears on a lot of "flood restoration" company's pages

Reply

ABlindMan | 17

#6605075 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:02

It doesn't HAVE to be by OP, I believe the photos are picked or something and then the top rated caption is applied to them if I'm understanding it correctly. Although that's what I got from what Alan said.

Reply

Kidd_Ant | 18

#6605094 - Friday 13 May 2016 20:24

There was a "contest" in a recent blog on FML. The best caption would be featured along with a photo they used in the blog to make your own.

By Baurusdavinci | 12

#6605141 - Friday 13 May 2016 21:59

Uh... Guys?

Almost %100 positive this is a rendered image from a computer program.

Reply

Dilexar | 26

#6624039 - Thursday 9 June 2016 3:59

explain yourself