Kids: Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops... - FML

By Pimpleeater - 20/12/2011 07:45 - New Zealand

Today, I found out that, when mad at us, my son picks the tops off his shoulder-pimples and sprinkles them in our food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 388

You deserved it 5 648

There's no helping some people

Mother of the year

Empathy lives

By afraidofcans - 23/10/2012 16:01 - United States - Stafford

Today, after years of being terrified of those biscuit cans that pop when you unwrap them, I finally decided I'd open one myself. I'm sitting in the hospital with a sliced hand from the lid and can feel therapy in my future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 704

You deserved it 4 418

By Motherly Love - 14/08/2011 10:34 - United States

Today, I was at the airport to pick up my mother since my baby is due soon. As she arrived, I smiled wide and opened my arms for a hug, but she walked right by me. Apparently, being pregnant makes me unrecognizable. My husband and I had to tell it her was me, her own daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 159

You deserved it 2 993

By some people's parents - 18/04/2013 04:01 - United States - Aurora

Today, after years of loaning my mother countless amounts of cash that never get paid back, borrowing $60 from her, and being just one day late paying it off due to food poisoning, she sends a very large man to my door to collect, like she's Tony Soprano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 344

You deserved it 4 916

By hair2daygone4ever - 14/01/2010 15:45 - United States

Today, my four-year-old daughter thought it'd be funny to cut my hair while I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 529

You deserved it 4 741

By Anonymous - 04/06/2016 14:52 - United States - Bethlehem

Today, I tried having some girl time with my mom so I could sneakily figure out what to get her for her birthday. All I could think of in the end was a time machine, after her rant about wishing she'd gotten her tubes tied rather than going through the stress of raising me and my sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 941

You deserved it 931

Messy

By fiat850 - 09/05/2020 17:00

Today, I had two accidents in my car: one when a truck drove into its rear end, the other immediately after when my own rear end released its load onto the seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 455

You deserved it 142

By Thankshun - 04/03/2013 23:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 327

You deserved it 6 601

Mr Nice Guy

By Anonymous - 23/01/2021 01:02 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, it was our 12th anniversary. My husband only remembered because family members texted to wish us a happy anniversary. When he went out to the store to get groceries, he didn't even buy me flowers. He's also irritated that I "seem sad or something." FML

I agree, your life sucks 979

You deserved it 160

By Anonymous - 10/07/2009 21:59 - Iraq

Spicy

Today, I woke up from a nap to hear my roommate having some intimate time with his hand. The slopping and slurping sounds along with the girly man squeal as he finished haunted me all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 757

You deserved it 4 264

By manderz? - 03/08/2016 00:18 - United States - Beach Haven

Today, after having an amazing first date with my long time crush, we ended up going out to dinner. We shared a meal, and it was delicious! This would have been the ultimate dream come true... Except for the part about me throwing up in his car on the way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 414

You deserved it 1 098

By OutOfMyMind - 22/10/2013 00:12 - United States - Port Richey

Today, I tried Ambien for the first time. I now have to apologize to most of my exes for excessively rambling emails about getting together for some naked Twister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 820

You deserved it 12 033

By motherlessbride - 27/12/2010 06:23 - United States

Today, my husband finally admitted to his mother he'd got married. No wonder she wasn't involved with the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 731

You deserved it 3 362

By bumblebee - 13/03/2010 19:10 - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that we may not work out because I'm "just too needy". I'd woken up early and texted him "good morning" while he was trying to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 659

You deserved it 9 632

By Anonymous - 06/11/2013 17:29 - United States - Davenport

Today, the guy I really like asked me if I'd like to go to a hockey game this weekend. I said I'd love to go, so he said, "Then you'd best get a ticket soon before they sell out." I still don't know if I have a date or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 866

You deserved it 4 444

By uppiskalle - 12/09/2014 14:32 - United States - Riverside

Today, my car was stolen from my driveway. I reported it to the police, the insurance company, and my neighbors, and begged for help via social media. As I walked to catch a bus, I saw my car parked outside my school. I forgot I left it there last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 546

You deserved it 45 591

By suspended - 25/07/2015 00:59 - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 154

You deserved it 26 803

By Anonymous - 22/04/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 339

You deserved it 12 455

By hakura madada - 22/06/2012 19:41 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I mistook my dog's head for the gear shift while tearing down the highway. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 234

You deserved it 27 539

Driving me up the wall

By Rose - 17/05/2021 06:01 - Australia - Castle Hill

Today, I was a month away from being seizure-free long enough to be able to get my licence when I experienced one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 951

You deserved it 72

By Anonymous - 09/01/2011 01:11 - United States

Spicy

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 132

You deserved it 4 139

By Grrrr! - 23/04/2011 14:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me he wanted to hunt Easter eggs before we have sex. I'm glad he has his priorities straight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 928

You deserved it 10 896

By stuckhome - 08/04/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 725

You deserved it 4 280

By Harejordan - 04/02/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 097

You deserved it 36 352

By ColdStones - 20/10/2014 08:50 - Norway - Bergen

Today, I was skating in the city when I slipped and fractured my arm. As I was lying in pain, a guy walked up to me, frisked my pocket and took my wallet. He then said: "It's nothing personal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 268

You deserved it 3 431

By Demotivation - 23/08/2013 14:12 - Germany

Today, I learned that when a heavily-pregnant friend asks about my progress with the baby socks I promised to knit, it's rather unwise to tell her, "Not to worry, we're set even if it comes out with a few feet too many." She's still crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 908

You deserved it 12 610

By cathugger - 13/07/2019 16:30

Today, while hurrying by bike to an appointment, my chain broke. I quickly got off the road and managed to fix it on the sidewalk, covering my hands in black smear. Dirty but confident about my repair skills, I got up. A second later, felt something warm running down my neck. Bird poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 859

You deserved it 116

By Blondie - 22/10/2010 20:37 - United States

Today, after a heated debate with my friend on whether blondes are naturally stupid, I convinced her that I'm actually quite intelligent, and poured myself a glass of juice in victory. After finishing the glass, instead of returning the bottle back to the refrigerator, I put it in the cupboard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 654

You deserved it 40 977

By Parental Support - 30/08/2013 04:11 - United States - Ellicott City

Today, I found out I was 13th in a graduating class of about 350 students. When I told my mother, without batting an eye, she told me, "Hey, shit floats". FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 534

You deserved it 2 968

By JackSteely - 22/12/2011 12:04

Today, I found a wallet containing an ID card. I managed to track down the owner, who now is threatening to call the police if I don't return the 400 dollars that he insists were also in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 816

You deserved it 2 818

By SheenaL - 27/06/2011 06:26 - United States

Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 619

You deserved it 13 660

By bmonehh - 24/11/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I met my wife's other husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 339

You deserved it 3 475

By ellie - 23/02/2011 07:10 - Australia

Today, I got a missed call from a lady at an employment agency asking why I hadn't turned up to an information session for a potential job. Yesterday, the same lady told me the job position was canceled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 066

You deserved it 2 473

By William - 25/11/2008 04:27 - France

Spicy

Today, we had the (great?) idea of having sex on a bean bag before my roomate got back home. Result: thousands of small polystyrene balls all over the living room. And no, they can't be picked up in 30 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 593

You deserved it 36 138

By SilverZephyr - 16/01/2015 12:49 - United States - Marion

Today, I asked out a girl that I've liked for a while. She thought I was joking and laughed, saying, "No. Have you met yourself?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 592

You deserved it 3 444

By Dgama - 17/11/2018 16:00 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I went to see my new boyfriend play in a band. I found out that groupies don't like even bass players having girlfriends. I was attacked by one because he smiled at me from the stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 583

You deserved it 152

By Not turnt - 27/07/2015 19:12 - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 553

You deserved it 2 571

By finalfantasy - 21/06/2018 17:30 - United States - Aurora

Today, my brother thought it would be absolutely hilarious to replace my cold sore cream with superglue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 761

You deserved it 248

By doody - 30/12/2009 22:42 - United States

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 152

You deserved it 4 257

So, here's the thing…

By MIG2204 - 15/04/2019 20:00 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, my school told us that we all need to be checked and treated for threadworms. So now I need to go tell my girlfriend that she needs to be checked and treated for threadworms. We have been dating for little over a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 182

By Anonymous - 03/05/2013 16:38 - United States - Hyattsville

Today, I gave a big presentation to my class. It included PowerPoint slides and video clips of the country I'd been researching. Another student did a presentation on the same country, except he just read from its Wikipedia page. He practically got a standing ovation. I got a single clap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 162

You deserved it 3 742

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Top comments

MorningGranite 3

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:56

Thats.....gross

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:58

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!! I just threw up in my lecture when I read that

Comments

MorningGranite 3

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:56

Thats.....gross

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:06

don't knock it till you've... no your right that is gross

flamegrilled123 3

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:08

I read that while eating...

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:09

12 cool story bro

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:09

omg that sooo nasty i waz tuened on now im dry... phfft!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:14

I believe it provides extra protein for op.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:47

Maybe with the right seasoning... Like death? Death seems like the only seasoning that would redeem this atrocity.

kooochris1995 14

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 13:41

OP deserves it for raising her son like that. :P

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:24

1 - your picture goes well with your comment

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 15:58

I would eat my kids face off if he did that.

dillonManning 9

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:48

^ what if he has acne on his face double zit eating

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:02

You're a...pimpleeater!!!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:43

Yes thats nasty

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 19:04

That's funny.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:40

I Think Thats Gross But What If Everytime You Ate The Food He'd Sprinkle With His Pimple You Guys Would Say "What Did You Put In This?! It Tastes AMAZING!" Either Way Fyl D:

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 21:47

So that was the secret ingredient this whole time!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:38

11 it's "you're"

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 1:38

I can't even joke about that... Thats just undeniably repulsive...

night_ryder13 5

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 1:46

oh god I just gagged! btw love your username

tjv3 10

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 2:02

I would rip off his arms and beat him with the bloody stumps

friedchickenpie 14

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 5:32

Cambell's chicken soup with secret sprinkles! Mm mm good...

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 19:23

I lost my morning wood instantly just now.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:58

EEEEEEEEEWWWWWWW!!!! I just threw up in my lecture when I read that

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:31

YDI for reading FML in a lecture.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:55

Hmm, maybe you should write an FML about that?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:03

No you didn't.

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:11

You people have some seriously weak stomachs if just READING this made you throw up, or even gag.

MagicallyFat 12

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:17

That's do gross I would start cooking his meals and adding te dirtiest absurd in there. Your pubes, boogies, toenail clippings. THIS IS WAR

save_da_whales 0

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 16:23

98- but then he would get them back worse and they would be eating all kinds of gross stuff.....

MagicallyFat 12

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 17:04

100 that's true. I guess I'm a bit grossed out my first idea was to wage war hahaha.

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Monday 12 March 2012 18:29

How would you know if the person did or did not?!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:58

Umm wtf yuck

NOTquiteRAMBO 10

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 13:35

DAMN I was eating..

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:25

Lol

SuperKnuckels 6

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:41

Needs to spicen it up abit... BAM!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:59

That is just wow... Really? That's beyond disgusting!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 15:24

Don't knock it before you've tried it

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 18:45

That is just fucking disturbing.

beckl 5

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Monday 2 January 2012 8:42

That is seriously super gross. It's forever in my brain.

aladdinsprincess 0

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:59

That is quite nauseating!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 11:59

Eww. Well at least you are immune to his germs now!

ScaughtieHolden 11

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:04

Lamborghini Aventador! :D

AnagenisisZagus 13

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 13:57

^I don't get it.

screamo_neve 12

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:00

I think 10 was referring to 6's photo.

JMTS 0

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:12

Why is his picture of an FML?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:48

55 I was wondering that also like if it was on accident or on purpose.

JMTS 0

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 14:52

I was referring to Number 10 for those who didn't know.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 18:43

Who would park a Lamborghini on a curb for a photo shoot?

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 23:52

129. It's called photoshopping!

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:00

Make him the family taste tester before all meals from now on

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 20:19

Fuck that. Make him buy his own damn food and prepare his own meals from now on. What an ungrateful piece of shit.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:02

Don't let him near food. o.O

Buttsexpirate 9

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:03

Show him what you do when you're angry! Spank the shit out him or something!

EvilLilCupcake 10

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:23

That could just excite him.

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:37

This calls for more than spanking. More like serious hardcore beating and gleefully handing him over to child services when he bitches. This is seriously disturbing. Future serial killer...

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 15:27

Make him walk the plank.

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Wednesday 21 December 2011 2:36

Wtf is wrong with you?

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Friday 23 December 2011 7:16

69 likes ;)

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Wednesday 22 February 2012 3:56

child abuse?

krispybacon4321 23

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Sunday 8 February 2015 2:57

@194 & 268-that person is the best kind of parent that disciplines their kids for being absolute shitheads. Dislike this comment if you want, but what I'm saying is the truth. Most white people don't make their kids do shit around the house, like chores or anything. If their kids are being assholes, the parents are like oh that's bad don't do that. While other parents are like oh hell no you little shit and they spank them. Spanking is NOT child abuse.

omgthatsosuppera 4

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Tuesday 20 December 2011 12:11

I just threw up a little on the inside ...

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 97

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 187

You deserved it 287