Intimacy: Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive...

By Anonymous - 02/02/2012 18:07 - India

Today, I accidentally told my mom to ejaculate the flash drive from the PC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 448

You deserved it 25 931

Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Taking stock

Mama's boy

By Anonymous - 08/01/2011 20:15 - Netherlands

Today, I called my boyfriend for a romantic night at home. I put on my hottest little dress, dimmed the lights, and put music on. My boyfriend stumbled in much later, drunk, and took one look at me before throwing up on my feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 733

You deserved it 4 128

By nevermind - 13/08/2019 00:01

Today, while planning for our trip next spring, my friend told me that she's decided that her mom is coming with us. It’s non-negotiable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 605

You deserved it 151

By Anonymous - 25/04/2015 22:46 - United States - Bowling Green

Today, while out walking with my son in a stroller, a couple passed by and the girl smiled sweetly at him. It made me really happy, until we passed and I heard her say "What? You're supposed to smile at babies, even if they look weird." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 558

You deserved it 2 682

By upliftmofo - 28/03/2011 05:56 - Belgium

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 603

You deserved it 5 961

By Anonymous - 10/03/2012 14:20 - United States

Today, I was re-watching my wedding video. As I was walking down the aisle, you could hear my grandfather mutter "Here comes the bride, all fat and wide." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 000

You deserved it 5 873

By makeuuuuup - 21/02/2010 01:52 - Canada

Today, I learned the hard way that my foundation shows up under a black light. At a black light party. No one told me until afterwards. Everyone took pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 278

You deserved it 5 037

By Mary - 16/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 294

You deserved it 3 427

By Anonymous - 15/09/2012 18:34 - United States - Metairie

Today, I was walking to school with my earphones in, when someone tapped me on the shoulder. I was shocked, and whirled around to hit him in the crotch. I soon realized he was just trying to return the commuter pass I'd dropped at the station. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 561

You deserved it 34 151

By Hannah - 01/03/2010 03:16 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found a chat line for teens who are dealing with depression. I signed up and was about to enter the chat room and then a message popped up that said ''Sorry this is only available for teens in the United Kingdom.'' FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 774

You deserved it 4 434

By Anonymous - 12/01/2012 00:26 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza place with my girlfriend, I called my boss to tell him we were short on sausage. Under her breath I heard my girlfriend say, "sounds like somebody I know." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 932

You deserved it 4 701

By Al - 22/06/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was walking around the park with my wife. Out of nowhere, a little girl on a bicycle slammed in to me, knocking me to the ground. As I rolled over, sure that my ankle was broken, her father ran over to me. He screamed, "Watch where you're going, douchebag!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 827

You deserved it 3 328

By GOLLUM! - 18/05/2017 00:00

Today, after being without my car keys for two days, I finally got a locksmith to unlock my car on the off chance I'd left my keys in there. $170 later, the car was open, but I didn't find my keys. Frustrated, I threw the paperwork in the garbage... where I spotted my keys. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 621

You deserved it 1 950

By Anonymous - 28/10/2015 15:09 - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of footsteps outside my room. I investigated but found nothing. As I went back to my room, I heard a sort of giggling from inside. I was so scared, I grabbed my car keys, got the fuck out of there, and drove to my girlfriend's house in my pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 540

You deserved it 3 109

By pandabear93 - 04/09/2009 06:30 - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about when I have kids. I told her I may want two or three. She immediately cut me off and told me to stick to one, and that any more than that will be a burden. I am the second born child of my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 504

You deserved it 3 729

Bricked

By Anonymous - 13/03/2021 14:01

Today, I blew out the dust from my GPU, and when I went to reinstall it, it turned out that I had inadvertently shorted something and now it's dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 722

You deserved it 199

By Anonymous - 09/10/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 377

You deserved it 2 792

By BasicallySodaFlavoredWater - 14/12/2015 00:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my parents decided that the best way to save money was to dilute everything we drank with water. Only one more year of watered down soda and juice to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 019

You deserved it 2 357

By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 03:36 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife named our son after her ex boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 076

You deserved it 2 905

By Anonymous - 15/05/2016 14:03 - United States - Salem

Today, I had my first real break from work in ages, so I decided to go hiking. Less than 20 minutes in, I tumbled a couple hundred feet down a steep hill, broke my leg and several toes, and lay there in agony for an eternity before I was finally rescued. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 804

You deserved it 1 937

By unfortunategeek - 23/12/2010 16:13 - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to contact my birth mother, who abandoned me when I was three weeks old. After months of tracing, I finally plucked up the courage to call her. She told me to "f*ck off and die". FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 395

You deserved it 7 561

Being multilingual sucks sometimes

By Anonymous - 08/02/2021 19:01 - Iraq - Baghdad

Today, in our microbiology lab, there's a machine called bacteria incubator, which translates to Arabic as "bacteria hugger." I envied the bacteria because it gets hugs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 622

You deserved it 195

Don't touch me, bitch

By Grace - 14/11/2020 23:02

Today, I found out that when you try to pick up my cat, its response is to let out the most stinky fart it can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 690

You deserved it 171

By Anonymous - 18/10/2012 06:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, at work my boss called me into his office because he had received multiple complaints from coworkers about a prank sound machine I have been using to make inappropriate fart sounds at my desk. I wish it was a fart machine; I have a condition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 634

You deserved it 2 463

Wage slaves unite

By Wtf do I do - 03/08/2021 10:00

Today, I learned that I’m being forced to go back to a position I do not want, or find a new job. I’ve been with the company for 12 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 880

You deserved it 49

By JimiHendrix - 01/03/2013 01:55 - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 905

You deserved it 7 339

By agnosticstudy - 28/01/2009 21:53 - United States

Today, all three of my meals consisted of 2 hot pockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 889

You deserved it 27 679

By liz - 21/05/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I was walking in Walmart and this cute guy walked by me and winked. I thought he wanted to talk so I followed him around the store trying to catch up. Turns out it wasn't a wink, he had something in his eye. And he told the security person that a weird girl was stalking him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 081

You deserved it 52 242

By Anonymous - 09/07/2016 21:22

Today, I got pulled over and was given a ticket because my exhaust was too loud. I got this ticket while on my way to get said exhaust fixed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 220

You deserved it 993

By plzdontclapme - 01/07/2012 23:03

Today, I tripped on the way back from collecting a prize in front of 600 students and their parents. I got more applause than I did when collecting the prize. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 565

You deserved it 2 284

By Kimel - 22/01/2016 00:11 - France - Vincent

Today, my eldest daughter announced she was getting divorced. She never even told me she was married. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 572

You deserved it 2 309

Stahp!

By Michael - 14/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Kearny

Today, I had to babysit my dying grandmother, so I brought up my guitar. She hadn't said anything to anyone today, and the first thing and only thing she said was, "Stop. Make it stop" to me when I played. FML

I agree, your life sucks 941

You deserved it 355

By Anonymous - 14/04/2017 02:00

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 091

You deserved it 364

By random0605 - 29/09/2011 05:01 - United States

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 816

You deserved it 4 205

By laughxlove - 23/08/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 793

You deserved it 32 844

By catbum - 10/11/2016 03:54 - Canada - Regina

Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 474

You deserved it 1 427

Drunk twit

By Anonymous - 24/12/2011 06:06 - United States

Today, I learned if you've slept with your soon to be step-brother, you should tell your family. If you don't, he may blurt it out while drunk at a family barbecue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 612

You deserved it 44 090

By beta - 08/01/2019 12:00

Today, my date unexpectedly brought her friend to dinner with us. They seemed bored of me after ten minutes and left me out of their conversation for the rest of the night. Oh, and they made me pay for both of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 943

You deserved it 814

Thanks, mom

By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 11:03 - United States - Kenton

Today, my mom saw me holding a plant and told me to walk around with it, to replace all of the oxygen I waste. FML

I agree, your life sucks 845

You deserved it 189

By Anonymous - 21/10/2013 21:22 - United States - New York

Today, the kid next to me asked me, in all seriousness, if gay people have feelings like regular people. I'm gay, and I have to sit next to this barnacle until June. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 945

You deserved it 9 330

By Anonymous - 10/01/2011 06:45 - United States

Today, I was working in a restaurant. I stopped to pick up some silverware a customer dropped. Apparently my belt wasn't tight enough because a woman behind me immediately hurled in disgust. On top of being found revolting, I'm now in trouble for "flashing" someone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 414

You deserved it 7 103

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Top comments

21jason 9

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:43

I hope you had enough tissues

Jakesterk96 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:44

Take a moment with twix. Problem solved.

21jason 9

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:43

I hope you had enough tissues

SokDek 14

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:46

Well did she?

21jason 9

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:49

I don't know how bout you go and find out

zombiegold 23

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:54

Has anyone realized that OP spelled accidentaly wrong?

SkoomaKi 27

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:56

Someone needs a girlfriend...

Jakesterk96 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:00

20, who?

SkoomaKi 27

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:20

25, OP does, he obviously wanks too much at the computer xD

_Oblivion_ 12

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:39

Simple mistake bro, doesn't mean he jacks off too much.

Jakesterk96 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:41

How do you know, it's not like he got auto corrected for saying or doing it too much.

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Friday 3 February 2012 0:03

Hope she don't forget to insert the compatible dick....disc...

ThisIsMyReign 4

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Friday 3 February 2012 0:59

Doesn't*

MrFloatingToast 0

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Friday 3 February 2012 2:22

Don't worry, computers don't get pregnant

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Friday 3 February 2012 2:44

Maybe this is a symptom of the computer virus your mom was telling you about earlier.

GovernorGeneral 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 6:24

91- SO EXPLAIN PLANKTONS WIFE !!!!

brendokendo 0

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Friday 3 February 2012 6:39

117- when the Frick did planktons wife get preggo? It's a computer wife, not a computer baby maker.

GovernorGeneral 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 7:00

Ya but where did she come from ? She was a calculator before but thats all i know...-.- shut up i thought that was a good comment =3=

brendokendo 0

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Saturday 4 February 2012 6:55

He built her. It was an honest effort

AngryCanadian 0

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Saturday 4 February 2012 11:39

Freud would have some interesting things to say about that.

tamoodielovesmar 1

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:43

haha ive done that dont worry nbd!

EatnBeef 7

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:00

And I jizzed in my pants.

thisisafunnyname 12

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Friday 3 February 2012 2:34

2, you've ejaculated the flash drive from the PC?

Jakesterk96 8

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:44

Take a moment with twix. Problem solved.

Shelta957 13

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:19

Should've had a V8

MrSassypants 32

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:45

*Bites twix* *Can't think of anything to come back from what happened" *Keeps on biting twix*

gojira666 7

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Friday 3 February 2012 0:09

Third comment was the charm eh jakester

ImInYourFACEbook 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 1:28

Eats a reeses....Aahh! It's not the same!

Jakesterk96 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 2:50

64- do I know you?

beachybrunette 2

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Friday 3 February 2012 3:08

Isnt it snickers? Not twix

Jakesterk96 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 4:20

That's the hungry diva commercial pal.

BeefyQueef 5

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Friday 3 February 2012 5:24

96- "You're not you when your hungry. Snickers™© satisfies."

SecretMe00 5

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Friday 3 February 2012 8:11

111-- how'd you make those symbols?

cosmosis 12

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Friday 3 February 2012 10:27

121- smoke and mirrors mate.....

VorpikeII 17

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Friday 3 February 2012 16:34

"Take a break, take a kit-kat."

Jakesterk96 8

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Friday 3 February 2012 22:21

Everyone knows twix started these type of candy bar commercials.

DrMime 10

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:44

Ooh be careful with those PC's, they can get cyber cum all over your hard drive.

flamegrilled123 3

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:26

I heard that can give you infections

chocol8m 6

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Friday 3 February 2012 0:49

And viruses.

SaMmIMonster96 6

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Friday 3 February 2012 6:37

:0 maybe that is what happened to my computer.. Poor thing got too excited

Michael_92 20

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Friday 3 February 2012 9:50

One can't help but wonder...what does cyber cum look like??

Smokindevil 9

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:44

Awkward........ :/

DrMime 10

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:48

OP stores so much porn on his computer that it has gained a sexually active conscious! You might want to get rid of the 'hard-on drive'.

LightningCactus 12

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Friday 3 February 2012 3:32

Why isn't it? Maybe you should try upgrading to a hard disk.

LightningCactus 12

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Friday 3 February 2012 4:32

You mean to say it might "Blow it's Load"?

LightningCactus 12

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Friday 3 February 2012 12:15

Autocorrect, sorry :P

perdix 29

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:44

Grip it firmly and it comes right out.

darien987 1

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:04

FIRMLY GRASP IT!

RedPillSucks 31

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:05

Nah man. Leave it in there and get the job done! Pulling out is for dicks.

perdix 29

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:12

Grip it and rip it! No, wait, that's for golf, not self-pleasuring.

MatthewHass50 0

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:36

Thanks for the tip

MerrikBarbarian 9

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:37

Holy shit, that's some savage wanking you must do perdix! ;)

KiddNYC1O 20

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:43

26- Spongebob reference! Patrick! Hahaha.

KunoKanashimi 3

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Friday 3 February 2012 1:52

Firmly grasp it in your hand...Firmly grasp it....FIRMLY GRASP IT! *stab* 34, that sounds extremely painful.

buckeye08 10

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:45

Sounds messy.

DrMime 10

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Thursday 2 February 2012 23:26

Make sure to change the fappy disk!

MichellinMan 20

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Friday 3 February 2012 2:16

so many dirty comments...

Michael_92 20

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Friday 3 February 2012 9:53

That ain't nothing, wait till you see computer birth. Now that's nasty!

alexiiiis09 0

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:45

Sweet baby jesus

Manganimegrl 16

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Friday 3 February 2012 5:49

No, sweet baby ray's. Great BBQ sauce.

WeAreScrewed 3

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:46

make sure you dont catch a computer virus!

FalconCrunch 4

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Thursday 2 February 2012 22:48

Your porn stash, eh?

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 916

You deserved it 120

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 228

You deserved it 295

Bricked

Being multilingual sucks sometimes

Don't touch me, bitch

Wage slaves unite

Stahp!

Drunk twit

Thanks, mom

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