Kids: Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was wondering why my home smelled so weird, until I found out that my 4 year old son had been secretly scattering around food he didn't like to eat throughout the house. How did I find out? No one else in this family leaves half eaten spinach all over my underwear drawer. FML

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Understandable

Dangling modifier

Surprise strike

By karebear - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 6 months said he wasn't going to break up with me, he was just going to stop touching me. FML

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By prego - Canada

Today, because I am pregnant with a weak bladder, I woke up with morning sickness and had to decide very quickly whether I wanted to vomit or pee in the toilet. I now have to clean the chunks off the wall. FML

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By Brittany - United States - Kerrville

Today, I failed my driving test. I rammed into the parallel parking poles, ran a stop sign, and stopped at a cross intersection. My instructor called me an idiot. FML

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By Jen - United States

Today, while on the phone with a client at work, I was planning on saying either "Yeah." or "Uh-huh." Without thinking, I combined the two and ended up saying "Yee-hah," like a cowboy. FML

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By badprofessor - United States - Larchmont

Today, I got an Economics test back from my professor. I got a 17/20. I looked it over and noticed one of the questions was completely right. I checked the textbook he made and the answer was the same. I asked him why it was wrong, and he responded with, "I guess I changed my mind." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I was walking home, I felt my feet slip out from under me and I face-planted in the slushy, dirty, melting snow. I rolled over, completely soaked, and attempted to get up, thinking no one saw me. A mail-man then passed me without offering to help, and said, "I've seen worse." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fulton

Today, I might have ruined my co-worker's relationship with her fiancé, with whom I share a name, because we "work together too often" and now he doesn't know who's she's saying during sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be nice to take my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for my birthday. She got a little headache after we ordered, so she went outside to get some air. I ate a $100 meal and had Happy Birthday sang to me by the restaurant staff. Alone. FML

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By Anyom - United States - Detroit

Today, my friend got her first car. I bought mine 3 weeks ago and haven't started making payments. She came straight from the dealer ship to pick me up. She backed in to my car. FML

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By speechless - Canada

Today, I had a toothache and applied some numbing gel to soothe the pain. Too much came out and made my whole mouth numb. A man came into my work, thought I was making fun of his lisp, and stormed out really upset. He later called to complain about me. The boss just called me to his office. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I decided to try this new cardio workout video I got. As I was obnoxiously bouncing around my room I heard a noise behind me. Turns out there were three boys outside my window watching. FML

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By jacques - Australia

Today, I ran into my ex's family, and found out they are going to Europe. Funnily enough, so am I. Even funnier is the fact that we are going on the same date, at the same time, on the same flights, and the tour starts on the same day in the same place. FML

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By fml - United States - Denver

Today, three days after finally having a bed to sleep on, I woke up with multiple bedbug bites. I can't use my blankets, wear any of my clothes and it's back to sleeping on the floor for me. FML

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By bnc - United States - Jefferson City

Today, a kid from my school called me, saying he's going on vacation to Japan soon and that since I was born there, I could teach him the language. His exact words at the start of the call were: "Hey man, you speak Asian, right?" I have to be around this shithead 5 days a week. FML

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By lance - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was trying to put some new curtains up. I couldn't make sense of the instructions, so I decided to wing it. I spent a frustrating half hour fighting with it, and just seconds after I succeeded, the curtain rod gave way and slammed straight onto my head. FML

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By hwood - United States

Today, my Grandmother was sent to the ER. My family blamed it on her being allergic to my cats, making me feel guilty. She just called me to tell me the test results informed her that she is actually allergic to the carrot cake they got her. I gave my cats away 15 minutes ago to a little girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date for the first time in months. Over dessert, my date told a joke, and I tittered vigorously, causing me to choke and throw up all over my date. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was doing a study on homeless people and how they manage to stay alive on the streets. Turns out the one I was studying today was given more money than I make in a week. FML

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By Username - Australia

Today, I was really stressed, so I tried to let it out by crying. It lasted about 30 seconds, and I was making fun of myself the whole time. Even my subconscious thinks I'm pathetic. FML

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By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

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By Dopeboyfresh71 - United States

Today, it's my sixteenth birthday. The only gift I got was a bill from my parents. Apparently, the rent is due on the 1st. FML

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By nosonofmine - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, my son and I attended the funeral of a family friend. It went as well as any funeral could, up until the point that my apparently drunk son tried to grope the widow. I came an inch away from causing my son to need his own funeral. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

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By Meg93

Today, I went to a concert for the first time in 5 years. I got all dressed up and even ended up hanging out with the band. The night came to a screeching halt when I got a migraine and ended up in the ER vomiting non-stop. I was in the hospital all night. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I felt like letting my ex know just how I felt about all the bullshit he put me through. I dug up his number, typed a long paragraph with lots of pain and emotion, and sent it. The reply: "No wonder he broke up with you." Thanks, whoever has that number now. FML

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By Anonymous - Lebanon

Today, I found out that it's extremely difficult to take a dump while holding a cup under your ass for a lab specimen. I also found out that you get so nervous that you can actually forget to lock the door. FML

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By moe472 - United States

Today, my boss fired me because I look like her ex-boyfriend. FML

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By suspended - United States - Englewood

Today, I had to call a coworker to the office via the store intercom. The damn thing didn't turn off properly and everyone heard me say "I hate that asshole. Just be where your dumb ass should be." I realized my mistake a few seconds before my manager stormed in and threatened to fire me. FML

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By burningman - Germany - Darmstadt

Today, a homeless guy tried to light my hair on fire with a match at the bus stop. FML

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By failure

Today, my girlfriend hid my car keys and decided that she wouldn't give them back until I succeeded in giving her an orgasm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

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By gooddriver - United States

Today, I was involved in a wreck. How quickly did the police arrive at the scene? Very quickly, considering he was the one who rear-ended me at a red light. FML

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By stuckhome - United Kingdom

Today, my husband told me that he can't find his passport. We're supposed to be leaving for Prague in two days. He's known about the trip for months. It was the anniversary vacation that was going to help our frayed relationship. Now my money is going to a hotel in Prague, but I'm not. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02 - United States - Livingston

There's no helping some people

Today, I was helping a 93 year-old hoarder organize her home. She asked me to make ropes from old plastic bags, fold bags in a specific odd way, then fit four large boxes of bags into one smaller one. I said I couldn't do those, nor fit four boxes in one. "Why are you here if you can’t do things?" she said. I’m a professional home organizer. FML

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By pikachu - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

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By my eyes!! - 27/5/2020 08:00

Knock next time

Today, I walked in on my husband's elderly parents getting it on. It’s beautiful they still love each other, I just wish they hadn’t decided to express that love on our living room sofa. FML

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By lonely loser - United States - Seattle

Today, I was so desperately lonely that I begged a telemarketer not to hang up on me. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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By starstruck - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

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Top comments

By bittersweets | 2

#766069 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:14

In most families you eat together at one table and get up when everybody is ready. How exactly did your 4 year old son manage to scatter around food througout the house?

By pet_virus | 0

#766084 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:21

YDI for making him eat Spinach

COMMENTS

By akwasi | 1

#766043 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:03

first

Reply

Expertfail | 0

#766046 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:05

Well, second counting the OP's FML.

Reply

bfrench95 | 0

#1087866 - Wednesday 14 July 2010 8:15

In Soviet Russia, underwear is all over your spinach.

By realggirl | 0

#766047 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:05

and i am third

By Camy123_fml | 0

#766064 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:13

Yup and im 4thh

:P

By dbs22 | 0

#766068 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:14

Food hanging around for a while plus your underwear is the vital ingredient for anthrax...

By bittersweets | 2

#766069 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:14

In most families you eat together at one table and get up when everybody is ready. How exactly did your 4 year old son manage to scatter around food througout the house?

Reply

Twinklestar | 0

#766246 - Sunday 10 January 2010 18:14

He could have taken the food before meals to get it out of the kitchen and hidden it places so his parents couldn't cook it.

Reply

bittersweets | 2

#766851 - Monday 11 January 2010 1:02

But it was half eaten... Does he snuck it out of the kitchen, starts to eat it and then hides it?

Reply

gareshmear | 0

#767096 - Monday 11 January 2010 2:30

yea man, that's pretty old school....

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7648738 - Saturday 16 June 2018 1:37

Pockets?

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7648739 - Saturday 16 June 2018 1:38

Pockets?

By madeleine83_fml | 0

#766078 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:18

oh nooo, you have spinach in your underwear drawer, f your life, that's just terrible...

Reply

CheshireHalli | 19

#766309 - Sunday 10 January 2010 19:16

Gotta agree with Twinkle on this one. =)

By pet_virus | 0

#766084 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:21

YDI for making him eat Spinach

Reply

Wolfwood187 | 0

#767175 - Monday 11 January 2010 3:07

^

By TheLetterZero | 7

#766105 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:31

HAH!

By TheLetterZero | 7

#766106 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:31

Weird, double post.

By cel123456789 | 0

#766115 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:38

smart kid :)