By Dirtyrice - 24/12/2019 20:00 - United States - Albuquerque

Dirty rice

Today, my 8-year-old son decided to make some rice for lunch. When we had it, I noticed a horrid gritty taste. It turns out, he puts dirt in the rice to make "Dirty Rice". FML

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Get it on, bang a gong

Heartless

Moving day, grandma

By literature - this FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff

Poor old George Orwell…

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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By Damn - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I was trying to take my shirt off. It was an awkward fit, so I had to basically wrestle it for five minutes. The kicker was that I was giving my boyfriend a striptease. He laughed so hard and for so long that we never had sex. FML

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By notonthepavement - United States - Desoto

Today, as I went to kiss my date goodbye and drive home, he mistakenly rammed his thumb across my eye hard enough to push my contact back into my eye socket. FML

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By ewww - United States

Today, my husband stabbed me with his unusually long nasty toes nails in the leg while he slept. It took 3 stitches to fix it up, my husband and doctor laughed the entire time. He still refuses to cut them. FML

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By gofixmyhead - United Kingdom

Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

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By ForeSight

Today, my girlfriend wanted to play a game call "bondage bingo," taking turns tying each other up in different positions, and if we can’t escape, we get to take a picture. Whoever gets the most pictures wins. After tying me to a chair, she ended up leaving me there for hours. FML

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By Nightbird827

Today, a police officer pulled me over. He asked me where I was headed, so I jokingly replied, "Probably to jail after you run my name". He laughed and took my information, only to then arrest me for unpaid parking tickets I never received. FML

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By Anonymous

Zing!

Today, I overheard my wife and teenage daughter arguing. My wife was complaining that our daughter is unappreciative. "You should thank me for giving you life," she said. My daughter snapped, "I thank God for that, not you." My wife sighed and said, "He didn't have to sleep with your father." FML

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By queenariii - United States - Atlanta

Today, I'm stuck in a ramshackle house that my aunt bought and moved everyone out to. Only one bathroom works, and she won't let us flush it because the house keeps flooding. Four people are stuck here with just one toilet filled with poop and urine, while she's been staying at a friend's house. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greenville

Today, while wearing a sexy pair of undies for my partner and taking him out on a nice dinner, I trusted a fart walking from the car to the restaurant and shit myself. FML

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By future teacher - Paraguay - Fernando De La Mora

Today, I was observing a children's class as a part of a training program. The teacher asked me to take one kid to the nurse's office because she wasn't feeling well. As soon as we step outside, I slip and fall down, taking the little girl with me. FML

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By Confused - United States

Today, I told my mother that I'm pregnant. She went off screaming at me about how I shouldn't be having sex. I am 25 and have been happily married for 3 years. FML

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By Stevie - Canada

Today, my mom was convinced that the lawn gnomes we bought from Wal-Mart were secretly conspiring to kill us. FML

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By wtf babe? - 29/6/2020 14:02

Intruders!

Today, I came home to find my husband allowed several of his family members to move in without even asking me. His parents are in the spare room, his brother and wife are in my den and they expect me to make my daughter share her bed with two older cousins. I’m ready to take the kids and leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

TMI

Today, I had to ask my girlfriend to please stop telling me about her ex's penis. FML

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By search_me - United States

Today, while going through airport security the lady asked why I folded everything so small. I said that I was going away for a month and needed to fit a lot of stuff in only one bag. She smiled, nodded and then dumped my luggage to search for "drugs and other illegal teen things." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to miss hitting a kitten, over-corrected, hit and killed the cat, and totaled my truck by hitting a parked car. FML

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By bam.93 - 14/4/2020 17:00

Creepy

Today, my supervisor asked me to help him for some modifications on an Excel sheet. I helped him for some stuff, but couldn't help him completely. He said to me, " Try to learn more about Excel, I want someone to satisfy my needs." FML

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By Jjh99q - United States

Today, I stayed until 11 PM washing, wiping, and mopping up the entire restaurant. I forgot to clock in. FML

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By hunterchik

Today, I found out about my parent's divorce over Facebook from my sister who lives 8 hours away in another province. They made the decision 3 weeks ago. I live with my parents. FML

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By preggo - United States

Today, someone asked when my baby was due. I'm not pregnant, but I was so embarrassed to be mistaken for a pregnant lady that I rubbed my tummy and said "December." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2020 17:01

Just a prank, dad

Today, my son got drunk and managed to colour in my bald patch with permanent marker while I was asleep. It’s super noticeable and I look like a complete prat. Plus in a few hours, I’m supposed to be on my first date since my divorce 12 years ago. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 08:01

Sliced and diced

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

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By SadBride - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

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By Tylerdirdin84

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By xattackattackx - United States

Today, the main topic for my sister and her friends in the car was how many ways they could think of to kill me. They came up with 137. I have to spend a week with these people. FML

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By

Today I saw a picture of my ex giving her new boyfriend an extremely familiar ring. Upon zooming in, I realized that it was the engagement ring i gave her that she claimed to have had stolen from her home... FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Merrimack

Today, I found out that my friends only hang out with me so they can play with my dog. FML

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By rani - Norway - Oslo

Today, I came home in a really good mood, and I greeted my husband with a grin and a "Hi, babe!" He just muttered, "Why can't you just DIE?" and continued playing his video game. FML

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By Laura - United States

Today, I saw a small child take a really bad fall off his scooter, so I got rid of my cigarette and ran to help him. I asked him if he was alright, or if I could walk him to his house. He replied "I'm okay, but your dress is on fire." It was. FML

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By iheartkanye

Today, my little sister was rhyming words with "truck." When she came to "fuck", I told her never to say that word again because it was bad. She ran around the house screaming it. I'm in trouble for being "a bad influence." FML

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By Embarrassed - Germany

Today, while having dinner with my boyfriend's family, his mom told me that it looks like I've gained quite some weight. When my boyfriend told her that this was a rude thing to say, she said it wasn't rude, just the truth. FML

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By xloverin - Slovakia - Bratislava

Today, I remembered that the concert I bought tickets for over a month in advance was yesterday. FML

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By Doublescrewed

Today, I showed up for my first shift in my new night job; I now work at an apartment complex in the day and a gas station at night. It turns out that our biggest problem tenant in the former happens to be my boss in the latter. FML

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By StormSeason - Australia - Sydney

Today, my dad watched the news and decided to start preparing for Hurricane Sandy by buying $300 worth of long-life and canned food. We live in Australia. FML

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By katieemw95

I'm not drunk, you're drunk!

Today, I came home from partying all night, having stayed completely sober. My Dad, blind drunk, told me he was proud of me for staying sober. He claims to have been sober longer than I have. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized I had misspelled "Education" on all the resumes I've been submitting. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I was excited that my sister called me for the first time in months. She asked me to stop watching "Friends" so she could use the Netflix account. Now, I still have an absentee sister and no Friends. FML

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Top comments

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7869447 - Tuesday 24 December 2019 22:32

He’s 8 why is he cooking with out any supervision from a parent. I think eating dirt rice is a nice punishment for you

By protoskore | 26

#7869552 - Wednesday 25 December 2019 16:50

who on earth lets an 8 year old cook?

COMMENTS

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7869447 - Tuesday 24 December 2019 22:32

He’s 8 why is he cooking with out any supervision from a parent. I think eating dirt rice is a nice punishment for you

By protoskore | 26

#7869552 - Wednesday 25 December 2019 16:50

who on earth lets an 8 year old cook?

Reply

julfunky | 29

#7870389 - Sunday 29 December 2020 11:35

There is nothing wrong with letting an 8 year old cook. The problem is they let him cook unsupervised.