Love and Intimacy: Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator... - FML

By Anonymous - 21/04/2018 05:00

Spicy

Today, my husband got jealous of my new vibrator. I got the vibrator to "spice things up" between us, because he hasn't touched me in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 624

You deserved it 531

Mother of the year

My eyes!

Wake up call

Christine

By Anonymous - 15/02/2021 02:01

Today, after waiting a week for an update on my car after the engine blew, all covered by warranty, I was informed that my car is under investigation for warranty fraud. This is its fourth engine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 837

You deserved it 88

By Bonnie and Clyde - 08/05/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 770

You deserved it 9 199

By Anonymous - 03/07/2015 19:29 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He replied by telling me to fuck off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 586

You deserved it 3 456

By Mike - 17/12/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 087

You deserved it 54 569

Inappropriate

By Pandistoteles - 14/04/2015 21:17 - United States

Today, I took my 5-year-old daughter to the play place at McDonald's but I had to keep her busy, instead of letting her play. A mom was teaching her 3-year-old daughter how to pole dance, using the play place's poles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 432

You deserved it 2 715

By DookDaSpook - 11/01/2016 23:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was in a very important meeting on Skype, my apartment complex was evacuated due to the fire alarm going off. The reason was that my neighbor put a fork in his microwave due to him being extremely drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 463

You deserved it 1 305

By Anonymous - 18/09/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, I was kicked in the crotch. The girl who did it thought I was her ex-boyfriend. I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 312

You deserved it 4 422

By Pancakegirl - 18/06/2009 00:24 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at IHOP. When I left, a middle aged man in the parking lot offered me $100 to sleep with him in the dumpsters behind the building. That is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 749

You deserved it 4 020

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 01:34 - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I was clipping my abnormally thick toenails. I had to apply so much pressure on the clippers that a nail flew off, hit me in the eyeball and scratched my cornea. The doctor nearly fell off his chair laughing during my eye exam after I told him what happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 367

You deserved it 2 163

By Donezoo - 08/01/2009 02:28 - United States

Today, my car was broken into. They broke the passenger side window and took my radio system. But they didn't take the remote for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 600

You deserved it 2 317

Maoism intensifies

By Anonymous - 30/03/2020 02:00

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 472

You deserved it 115

By b3ardown23 - 07/09/2011 01:14 - United States

Today, I got junk punched by a midget in Sears for giving him "a funny look." I was trying to read the price of the fridge he was standing in front of. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 617

You deserved it 2 818

By Shivvy - 11/02/2011 03:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I came downstairs disappointed thinking that my parents had forgotten my birthday. Turns out they didn't forget, they just couldn't be bothered to do anything for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 135

You deserved it 3 144

By millie14225 - 25/07/2019 14:00

Today, I live in a household of 3 people, with only one vehicle. My transmission blew right after working 16 straight hours. I had to walk 6 miles home, not to mention figure out work tomorrow. Now my oldest, who does not live with me, is pissed because it is an "inconvenience" for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 623

You deserved it 147

By janae - 06/08/2018 23:30

Today, I discovered that I am pregnant. I questioned my boyfriend and he admitted to not using a condom because he thought we were just doing "practice sex". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 866

You deserved it 1 679

By tattooooooface - 28/01/2010 13:08 - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 521

You deserved it 39 618

By motherlover - 05/08/2014 04:40 - United States - Hoffman Estates

Today, my boyfriend laid his head on my bare chest and said, "You're like my mother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 205

You deserved it 4 339

By Marian - 23/03/2009 19:37 - United States

Spicy

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I was hanging out with my boyfriend. He pulled me close to him and I started to feel better, until he put my hand down his pants and around his penis and said, "Here! Try this to take your mind off it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 73 589

You deserved it 8 997

By Smoothskin - 19/09/2013 21:18 - Australia - Heidelberg

Today, I shaved my face after several months of growth. This would be OK if my 4-year-old daughter would still talk to me. Apparently she doesn't recognise me, and I'm scary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 225

You deserved it 3 925

By Diffy - 26/04/2012 11:49 - United States - Woburn

Today, as I was crossing an intersection, a car ran a red light and almost hit me. This kind of thing happens a lot in my town so I'm used to almost being run-down, except this time it was a small boy on his father's lap steering. The dad was laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 250

You deserved it 2 157

Not a biology major

By Anonymous - 02/02/2021 00:30

Spicy

Today, after we had sex for the first time, my boyfriend shouted, “Huzzah! My genes will live on!” We used a condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 921

You deserved it 192

By fckmylife - 20/12/2016 19:47

Today, I found out that I'm being sued for posting on Facebook about a customer service experience with a local company. Even though we have witnesses, the owners of the store claim that we're lying about the whole thing and that we're "malicious". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 009

You deserved it 692

By Anonymous - 13/11/2009 01:54 - United States

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 998

You deserved it 3 450

Paperboy on Commodore 64

By Xero_316 - 05/11/2009 21:33 - Canada

Today, I was doing my paper route. I throw the papers onto people's driveways while sitting on the back of my dad's truck. To be funny my dad decided to suddenly speed up, causing me to fall off the back of the truck, face first onto the road. He didn't realize I fell off and kept driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 585

You deserved it 4 282

By drucle - 18/03/2016 12:49 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out that my sister's kids refer to me as their 'Drunkle'. I guess I have to admit to myself that I'm an alcoholic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 894

You deserved it 16 139

By Noname - 14/02/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I bought some flowers. As I was checking out, the cashier asked, "Aww, these for your mom? How sweet." I responded they were for a girl I liked. She laughed and said, "Sorry..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 183

You deserved it 4 201

By Bigfoot - 02/09/2017 01:30

Today, I participated in an obstacle course. As I was going over a set of monkey bars, my balls got crushed between the bar and my gut. I barely managed to get down before blacking out in the middle of the road. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 932

You deserved it 369

By Jedi2500 - 15/02/2012 23:53 - United States

Today, as I was leaving for work, I discovered my neighbor had just passed away. I found out when I came across his body lying in my front yard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 363

You deserved it 2 149

By Anonymous - 18/06/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 457

You deserved it 3 467

By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 426

You deserved it 10 345

By Fire_Crotch - 14/08/2010 06:27 - Canada

Today, I turned the shower on the hottest setting so it would warm up quickly. I started to sing and dance around the bathroom. I got too carried away and pelvic thrusted the water, which I hadn't turned back down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 837

You deserved it 48 608

By Ihatepants - 01/09/2016 01:37 - United States - Wrightsville

Today, I had a full day of work, a social event, and a doctor's appointment. My son looked at me when I got home and said, "Are your pants on backwards?" Yes, yes they were. All day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 859

You deserved it 2 211

By SoSoRachel - 31/10/2012 21:03 - United States - Dunlap

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 301

You deserved it 1 862

The bed is lava

By for better or for farts - 06/08/2020 23:01

Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 289

You deserved it 179

By Mandy - 17/09/2011 00:25 - Canada

Today, my family came to see me in my first acting role in Romeo and Juliet. It all went reasonably well for the first half hour or so, after which my seemingly shitfaced aunt started heckling and saying "that's what she said" after every line, before eventually being thrown out by security. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 742

You deserved it 2 424

By patty - 13/01/2009 02:47 - France

Today, I saw a friend in the street but he didn't see me, so as a joke I decided to ring him. He took his mobile out of his pocket, sighed and didn't pick up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 150

You deserved it 3 441

By Ldp56 - 25/02/2011 18:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from my daughter's school. Apparently, she was learning about the food pyramid and when she was asked to identify what she had eaten the day before, she said "dog food". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 963

You deserved it 4 575

Time to lay down the law

By Christiana Lipphardt - 09/07/2021 20:01

Today, I was told that my in-laws are visiting next weekend. I already have anxiety, as they behaved really badly last time and treat our newborn like a toy and keep bothering her. My husband won't say anything as he wants to spare their feelings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 894

You deserved it 102

By UGH - 31/08/2009 23:48 - United States

Spicy

Today, my parents decided I was old enough to know that my mother doesnt really have horrible nightmares. She's a screamer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 974

You deserved it 2 908

By Ugh - 13/09/2015 06:03 - United States

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 253

You deserved it 5 843

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Saturday 21 April 2018 5:04

If I hadn’t touched him in months I’d say it’s to be expected.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 21 April 2018 7:26

A man can never match the frequencies of the machine. Truth Hertz.

Comments

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Tuesday 10 April 2018 10:00

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

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Saturday 21 April 2018 5:04

If I hadn’t touched him in months I’d say it’s to be expected.

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Saturday 21 April 2018 6:20

Depending on the toy, she might feel pretty fucking great!

Sheepiebeepie 26

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Saturday 21 April 2018 16:40

Probably great, she is trying to fuck, obviously. Men who get jealous of vibrators are insecure and possessive.

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Saturday 21 April 2018 18:54

well at least she's not "spicing things up" with a side dude

QueenAfrodite 8

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Friday 27 July 2018 19:01

Lol awesome because that’s the only way I would get a threesome lol.

interesting33 36

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Tuesday 10 April 2018 21:53

tell him to leave Buzzing Barry out of it!

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Saturday 21 April 2018 7:18

Maybe you should've got something you could both get something out of. I had a board game full of intimate confessions and sex dares that was pretty fun.

thehaystackerine 20

Saturday 21 April 2018 13:10

what's it called?

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Saturday 21 April 2018 16:53

It's been years since I lost it while moving. The closest I can find is a game called "Monogamy". There are other games of the same kind, though.

ChakatBlackstar 29

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Saturday 21 April 2018 14:19

I believe they're talking about Onyx, a very customizable game of truths and dare-like cards on a monopoly-type board. You can add your own cards too, adjust it for various fetishes, tools, and each individual player's preferences and who they want to "play" with should you be playing in a group.

DanielleinDC 32

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Monday 23 April 2018 4:19

Depending on what sort of vibrator it is, the couple can use it together to enhance pleasure for both of them.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 21 April 2018 7:26

A man can never match the frequencies of the machine. Truth Hertz.

interesting33 36

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Saturday 21 April 2018 12:27

haha swewt

LAUGHINGKOMODO 25

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Saturday 21 April 2018 7:56

For a split second I thought it said neighbor instead of husband. Imagine that. Your husband probably wouldn't care though.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 21 April 2018 7:57

The plot thickens.

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Saturday 21 April 2018 12:07

Doesn't sound like spicing things up, sounds more like spicing your thing up. Nothing to do with your husband.

Nadine 21

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Monday 23 April 2018 10:45

If you get nothing out of pleasing your partner, then that is a sad dull sex life.

QueenAfrodite 8

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Friday 27 July 2018 19:02

You do know that both men and women enjoy and get pleasure from sex toys right??? Including vibrators. Gasp.... if you didn’t know. Now you know.

ChakatBlackstar 29

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Saturday 21 April 2018 14:22

He should realize that it's not to replace him, but to supplement him, and he could use it for any number of things to make their intimate time even more intense.

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Saturday 21 April 2018 14:53

maybe he should just leave it to beaver ( Eminem )

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Saturday 21 April 2018 19:53

I think the bigger issue would be to find out why OP’s husband “hasn’t touched her in months”. No sex toy is going to fix that until whatever issues are behind that are resolved. And there are so many possibilities as to where the true problem lies that it’s impossible to speculate on them in any reasonable way. There is no reason why a vibrator cannot be used in sex between couples and it can definitely help if the woman has a slow arousal issue as opposed to an emotional problem between the two. And just because one of the two is going through a time when they are not feeling a sexual desire does not mean the other has to forgo self-pleasure at an appropriate time. Should the underlying issue be a male sexual performance problem, he should see a doctor - And by the way Viagra has gone generic which saves on cost. It’s only embarrassing the first time you bring it up. In that case see a urologist - they hear that complaint quite a lot.

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 17

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out my husband has to take Viagra to get it up with me. He never needed it with his ex-wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 88

You deserved it 20

Today, my boyfriend has spent all morning claiming there’s nothing to do when it’s raining outside. Sex is always an option, but he’s missed all my hints, including stripping naked and kissing him, because he thought I was on my way to get a shower instead of trying to fuck him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 191