Kids: Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced... - FML

By burned

Today, I found out that my 4-year-old son is truly convinced that I am a ghost. He also thinks that I died from burning, "because of your face". FML

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Great question

Social distancing gone wrong

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By Ataraxia - United States

Today, I woke up to the realization that the 2-hour nap I wanted to take before I went out with my friends last night was actually a 12-hour nap. I missed everything. FML

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By Jdub - United States

Today, I went to a real Japanese restaurant with my sister and mom, where you had to take off your shoes and sit on the floor. After the meal, I realized my shoes were no longer where I put them. For the seven years the restaurant has been open, I'm the first person to get their shoes stolen. FML

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By Elrond Hubbard - United States

Today, I drove my dad to Walmart to do some shopping. His leg is still in a cast after an accident, so I helped him to the last mobility scooter. A guy whose only disability was clearly Fat-Fuck Syndrome then yelled at us, claiming he needed it more and that my dad was a faker. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, after having recently told my 4-year-old daughter that she won't grow big and tall if she doesn't eat her veggies, she decided to pass this wisdom on to a midget that we passed in the store. FML

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By ouch

Today, me and my hubby wanted to spice things up in the bedroom. He’s always wanted to eat food off my body but never wanted to deal with the mess. He got a little too excited and ended up biting my nipple instead of the spaghetti. I didn’t know someone was capable of biting that hard on soft food. FML

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By blahblah - United States - Richardson

Today, I decided to try Karate. In an attempt to roundhouse-kick a hanging boxing glove, I knocked over a lamp, lost my balance and pulled down my curtains. My neighbor then looked through the window, started laughing and yelled, "KUNG FO POWA!" FML

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By Gloria

Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

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By forever_young - United States - Rochester

Today, despite being in high school, I'm still shorter than the average 3rd grader. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By amelie

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me. While getting on one knee, he farted. FML

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By swedishguy - Sweden

Today, I was paying for coffee and accidentally touched hands with the girl behind the counter. As I was walking home, I realised that was the closest I've been to getting laid in two years. FML

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By Ugly - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me I can stop using makeup, because it's "not working." FML

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By Awks - Australia - Bendigo

Today, my grandmother and I turned up to a family function wearing the same outfit. FML

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By Piano999 - United States

Today, I lied to my crush telling him I can play the piano. To 'prove' it, I recorded a video on my phone of a girl playing a beautiful piece. After I sent it, I realized my mouse cursor was in the center of the page the entire time. FML

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By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my fiancée thought that lowering the volume on her phone would lower the amount of data being used by her streaming songs. FML

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By Eli - Canada

Today, I had a violent allergic reaction to some bread I ate at a restaurant. How did they apologize? By sending me a free basket of bread. FML

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By "Keira McArthur"

Today, my car fob died on me when I was going to get donations because my house burnt down two days ago, FML

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By thestudent - Philippines

Today, my math teacher brought his laptop to tally up all our scores for our report card. He then displayed the results on a big screen in front of the whole class. The ones who failed were marked yellow. I was the only one marked yellow. FML

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By hatemyjob - United Kingdom - Colchester

Today, I answered a call at work from a very irate gentleman. After being shouted and sworn at profusely, I ended the call in a slightly less than civil manner. Turns out that guy is one of our company's biggest clients. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Jacinto

Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML

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By JulieKid - United States

Today, I stepped out of my car and slipped on a fresh coating of ice on the ground. I tried to catch myself by grabbing the car on my way down, but unfortunately, I was trying to grab with the hand that was holding my car keys. I key-scratched my own car. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 17:01

Abuse

Today, I was taking Zoom classes. We live in a one-bedroom apartment, which means I could hear my mom and dad fighting. I didn't notice that my mic wasn't muted. Everyone in my class now thinks that CPS needs to be called to my house. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Berlin

Today, my father-in-law left my wedding reception because he had to feed the dog. This would have been alright, if he hadn't been absent for nearly two hours. Apparently, just feeding the dog and leaving would have hurt the animal's feelings so he stayed to play with him for a while. FML

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By anon - United States

Today, my girlfriend finally got a Facebook account. Too bad she doesn't know the difference between a wall post and a message. She just described how much she enjoyed our sex last night, in great detail. My mom liked it. FML

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By seriously? - United States - Spring

Today, while talking to my boyfriend, he got upset and accused me of making up words to make him feel stupid. All because I used the word "vapid." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 15:01 - Australia - The Oaks

Sorry, but it's a no

Today, after years of battling mental health and unemployment, I was rejected from a job packing tomatoes. Apparently I'm unsuitable for even the most basic work. FML

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By allyshah - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were up late watching tv when an infomercial for "male enhancement" came on. I grabbed for my phone to make a call when my girlfriend said "O honey, dont buy that, it's okay that you're small." I was checking my voicemails. FML

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By RecentCollegeGrad

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

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By AyDiosMio42 - United States

Today, I stepped on the MacBook Air I purchased 4 days ago. The screen snapped in two, and I didn't buy insurance because I promised myself I would be "extra careful." $3500 well spent. FML

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By fml - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

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By Spongebob Garypants - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was secretly listening to a voicemail from my mom in maths class when I accidentally hit the speaker phone button. My whole math class now knows I have a gyno appointment at 9:45 on March 11. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Gainesville

Today, my mother-in-law said I wasn't the type she expected her son to marry, as he's always dated cheerleaders and model types. I must have looked offended, so she added, "I mean they weren't smart like you." So, I might be smart but I'm the ugliest girl my husband has ever been with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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By eatmywords - Singapore

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

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By Coffee Boy - United States - Chesterfield

Today, my mom reached the lowest point of her midlife crisis. She convinced herself she's psychic and grounded me for something she "knows" I'm going to do. FML

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By wdones97

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By rochellamaya - Canada

Today, working as a nurse, I asked a 61-year-old patient if he did any physical activity. His reply was, "Well, I do masturbate a lot". He then went on to describe the various techniques he uses. FML

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Top comments

By travellingfun | 18

#6192033 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:18

Kids have wild imaginations and no filter on what they say, don't take it too personally!

By acommonman | 23

#6192075 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 13:04

just have fun with it OP, kids believe in crazy things.

COMMENTS

By mushroomcassette | 21

#6192011 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 11:48

Children are brutally honest. If you wanted a liar, you should look elsewhere.

Reply

AninOnin | 24

#6192029 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:13

Ha! Children can be brutally honest or just brutal. I know some angels; I also know some children who would not hesitate to try and make you feel crappy.

By wasalsa2 | 7

#6192012 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 11:49

you have a melty face

By kirigaiku | 15

#6192013 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 11:51

Did something happen to your face?

Reply

Fuaaad1994 | 31

#6192020 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:08

Someone poured coffee on it and ran off

Reply

wtffml1979 | 22

#6192028 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:13

I see what you did there....

By granCanyon | 12

#6192017 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 11:58

How do you know you're not?

Reply

saraitkddh | 47

#6192050 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:42

If what you are saying is right then this means FML is haunted...

Reply

Morning_fml | 22

#6192277 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 15:55

I didn't know they had wifi in the after life.

Reply

granCanyon | 12

#6192338 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 17:03

some people are taking comments too seriously! It was a freaking joke...

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6194377 - Friday 6 February 2015 11:07

You realize they were both making jokes? Maybe you should take your own advice.

By Soundslikeothers | 15

#6192018 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:00

Might want to call a priest

By wtffml1979 | 22

#6192021 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:08

Time for some proactive

By codytallica | 38

#6192023 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:10

Insert witty comment here!

Reply

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6192055 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:47

Insert witty, better reply here!

By Noah197099 | 17

#6192024 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:10

Try to convince him that he's a ghost, and see what happens.

By albertozeta_fml | 9

#6192025 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:10

"If I'm a ghost, you are a handkerchief"

By cheeeksss | 29

#6192031 - Wednesday 4 February 2015 12:15

It's alright OP. When I was really young, I thought my mom was a robot because she never showed emotion towards anything (she was a very strict and traditional Asian mom). I grew up and realized my parents are awesome. The same shall happen for you.