Today, I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. Later that...

By cinderella - Netherlands

Today, I found my beloved hamster dead in her cage. Later that day, my boyfriend told me he already noticed that she was dead last night, but did not feel like telling me because he was afraid I wouldn't feel like doing it anymore that night. FML

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Intimacy

Emergency haircut

Can they do that?

Join in the fun

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up early to take my dog for a walk. I wore spandex shorts. I stopped to talk to several people I know and passed a group of hot construction workers who checked me out. I just got home and realized I have the biggest cameltoe I've ever seen in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I used the bathroom that the high school shares with elementary kids. As I was pulling my pants down, my phone fell out of my pocket into the other stall. As I was reaching for it, the little girl in the other stall took it and ran away. FML

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By Prodigy - United States

Today, I ran into a former college classmate at Subway. He gushed on and on about how I was the only one in our class with true potential. Then I asked him what kind of sandwich he wanted, because 3 years out of college, Subway is still the only place that will hire a music major. FML

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By haleyfml - United States

Today, I took a shower and right after I fell asleep on my bed wrapped in my towel. I awoke to find my dad slapping me in the face. He thought I had fainted because I'm a diabetic. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Grays

Today, my dad watched his first Lord of the Rings marathon. Now he keeps spouting lines from the movies, and thought it'd be funny to hide in my closet, just to jump out at me screaming, "My precious!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I tried to explain to my history teacher why Woodrow Wilson would not have called the Great War "World War 1" as she constantly claims. I was sent to the office for my insubordination. FML

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By yelyah - United States - Tolono

Today, I flew to Florida with my grandma. She tried to go through airport security with a pocket knife in her backpack. FML

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By ruined - 15/4/2020 17:00

Cooked it up

Today, I made the most perfect prime rib of my life at an amazing medium rare. I was so distracted dyeing eggs with my kids that I didn’t notice my mom cut the meat, then deciding to shove it back into the oven as it was “too pink” for her liking. She incinerated it beyond all recognition. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Washington

Today, I spent an hour in a snowstorm waiting for my bus to show up. After I got fed up, I decided to just clean off my car and drive to work. After I was halfway finished swiping off the snow and ice stuck to my car, the bus drove right past me. FML

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By Mojosahomo - United States - Salt Lake City

Thanksssss

Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML

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By AIienware

Today, at my job at a ceramics store, I was loading a $300 statuette into a woman's car when I saw a dismembered foot in the trunk. I was so startled that I dropped the statuette and it shattered. Turns out the foot was fake and now my boss says I have to pay for the damage. FML

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By Lovestupid - Australia

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

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By pagvscgrac - United States

Today, I got a hand cramp from popping zits on my face. FML

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By peppergirl - 30/12/2020 20:00

Sewing project

Today, I was doing a sewing project in class. My friend said we should get the teachers to model our designs. I said that I did not think I would have enough material to make clothes for one of the teachers. I said this in front of the whole class very loudly, while the teacher was right next to me. FML

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By baconlady - United States

Today, I bought some perfume that I thought smelled absolutely amazing. Later, my boyfriend walked in, sniffed, and said, "What smells like bacon?" The bottle cost $83. They won't take a refund. FML

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By _TaToRtOt_ - United States

Today, my step dad stole over $400 worth of savings from me. He spent it on alcohol, fireworks, and a very large sombrero. FML

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By bass - United States

Today, I got a call from a prominent orchestra asking me to play with them. They were especially interested because I'm still in high school. I called to accept only to find out that my mother had already declined the offer for me because I "only" have a 3.7. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

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By kclopez

Today, while going through customs at the airport, my bag was selected for screening. It was nearly overflowing because it was so full, so before the TSA agent searched it, I said, "Watch out - it's going to explode when you open it". Wrong choice of words. FML

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By e - United States

Today, I couldn't find my key so I sat against the wall to wait for my roommate to get home. I fell asleep. When I woke up a few hours later, I could hear her inside. She chose not to wake me up and let me in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Diego

Today, the cashier at the local grocery store in my area said that I don't look a day over 40. I'm 28. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I came home from a long business trip. I walked in the front door to see my house was a complete mess.The first thing my son said was "Did you bring pizza?" FML

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By 4lphab3t4

Today, my neighbour almost ran over my little sister, and blamed it on his disability. What disability? He has no sense of smell. FML

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By irony - United States - Louisville

Today, I have to attend a mandatory parenting class due to a false report filed against me with CPS. My son's school play is at the same time as today's class, and I'll have to miss it so I can learn how to be a "better mom". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was telling my mother about my earrings hurting my ears. I had a cut on my ear close to the piercing and she thought that I had mistaken the cut for the opening, and said (as we walked past a car full of men), "Well of course it hurts when you put it in the wrong hole!". FML

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By THATgirl

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

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By mack - Canada

Today, I went to a 'haunted' theme park, actors had been trying to scare me the whole night. I was waiting by an outdoor heater for my friend when a hand came out of nowhere close to my face. I screamed at the top of my lungs, but it was only some chick wanting to warm her hands by the heater. FML

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By back to cock-hunting - Canada - Burnaby

Today, on our second date, the unemployed guy I'm seeing tried to convince me to open a joint bank account in our name. FML

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By - 22/2/2020 18:00

My dear neighbor

Today, I had a very sweet and romantic love note brutally scratched into the door of my brand new car. It was addressed to Cindy. Cindy lives next door. FML

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By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By richard - United States - Redmond

Today, fed up with my nerdy appearance, I got my hair shaved off, hoping for a Walter White kind of look. I didn't think it was too bad, but not even an hour later, I'd already been called a "fat Bruce Willis" and compared to a freshly circumcised penis. FML

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By anxious spaghetti

Today, I got dumped by my boyfriend over text. We wore each others' hats, so I gave his back and asked for mine. He “accidentally” burned it. FML

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By Just Lonely - United States - La Place

Today, after not hanging out with anyone the whole year, a guy finally asked me to go the movies with him. When I asked what time, he said, "Never mind, I found another girl." FML

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By fuckedbyretail - United States - Charlotte

Today, at my retail job, a woman came to my till with her purchases. After I scanned all her items, she handed me two small bags. One was filled with nickels and dimes. The other was filled with cents. Her total was $28.53. The coins amounted to $22.30. FML

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By digressions - Canada

Today, I tore a muscle in my back. At the hospital, I was prescribed some pain medication. My husband got me settled at home, with everything I needed within reach, and left for work. As I picked up the bottle to take the first pill, I knocked it on the floor. It rolled under the couch. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Staten Island

Today, after getting a new haircut, I decided to take a few photos. I set up my iPhone in my room and began posing. It wasn't until numerous shots later that I realized my phone had posted every picture to Facebook, and they were all over everyone's newsfeed. FML

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By JLoistheBomb - United States

Today, while in our communal showers in the highschool football locker room, I started to swing my penis around because it feels good and I was alone. Two minutes later the rest of the team hops into the shower with me. 30 dudes, one self-induced boner. FML

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By PartyPooped

Today, at my school, we finally had the party we worked on for the past week. I was tasked to make decorations and props for a photo booth. I made sure everything was perfect, and I even stayed up until 1 am working on the props. Not a single person used it. FML

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By Space†Witch

Today, I'm working a photography gig for a very prominent metal band. The doorman asked me for my I.D, which I happily obliged. I am 27, however I look like I'm still in my mid to late teens. He will not let me in, even with my I.D, and the band that hired me won't answer their phones. FML

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Top comments

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1465423 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:55

Sorry, I thought he had fucked the hamster to death or something for this to be in the intimacy section.
Had to read it again to realize that he didn't want to be cock blocked.

By Phustercluck | 11

#1466395 - Monday 27 September 2010 23:23

So sex is worth delaying your sorrow to him... It's one thing if this is an isolated moment of assholedom, but men who's actions are driven by their high value of sex could only lead to far worse situations of the same type.

If you don't think it's that bad, pretend that instead of a pet hamster it's a pet dog or cat.

COMMENTS

By Sexywifey91 | 0

#1465291 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:42

wow what a douche

IphonFML | 6

#1465391 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:52

If u guys did it that night, then smart of him. BUT im sorry OP that sucks...

JuliaM1000 | 10

#1466833 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 0:27

It does, but your boyfriend is... a selfish jerk!! Wow... I'm also sorry to hear about your hamsters.

joeyohe | 0

#1467852 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 3:29

ydi for having aa terrible boyfriend
i feel sad

6969awesome | 0

#1469531 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 16:05

18 it was one hamster
and I enjoyed the fight the other day about u being stupid and ugly :)

Eamon666 | 3

#5352919 - Sunday 3 February 2013 18:56

When I saw your profile pic I though u had sliced your hand

By bangscr3w | 0

#1465329 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:46

i woulda done tha same hahahaha....sorry bout the hampster tho...

By mintcar | 9

#1465346 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:48

Haha. The hamster almost cock blocked.

ifyouwereasheep | 0

#1465489 - Monday 27 September 2010 20:05

lmfao

Lucidium | 0

#1467143 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 1:27

You laughed your 'fucking-ass' off? Goodjob.

chynab | 0

#1467610 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 2:44

lol Mi boyfriend said tht to his mom when we waz bout to do it she called him as soon as we started nd he goes mom ur cockblocking

MollyyMakeout | 0

#1467809 - Tuesday 28 September 2010 3:19

Hahahah. You're dumb.

By Cinn_fml | 22

#1465355 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:49

Well, he's honest. Which is usually a good thing, but not always I suppose. Poor hamster.

By RedPillSucks | 31

#1465423 - Monday 27 September 2010 19:55

Sorry, I thought he had fucked the hamster to death or something for this to be in the intimacy section.
Had to read it again to realize that he didn't want to be cock blocked.

By Johnny6speed2 | 0

#1465504 - Monday 27 September 2010 20:06

That sounds about right. He knew you'd be upset over a stupid hamster. Now a dog or cat totally understandable if you got upset. But I wouldn't let a hamster mess up my chances of getting some tang.