Work and Health: Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 103

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 436

You deserved it 54

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 518

You deserved it 143

08/08/2018 20:30

Today, at 9 o’clock in the morning while I was working, I made the mistake of being comfortable with a machine that literally bends and breaks steel bars. I lost my entire middle finger and the top third of my pinky and ring fingers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 1 496

You tried

This Charming Man

Stranded

Vote of confidence

By SMRT - 13/01/2010 06:08

Today, I finished my position paper for my social studies class and read it to my mom to get her opinion on it. After I'm done reading it, she asks me if I copied it from somewhere because it sounded very professional and smart, and it didn't sound like me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 195

You deserved it 3 478

25/03/2013 08:48

Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 610

You deserved it 6 432

27/10/2018 13:30

Today, I was talking to my military brother about him coming home soon. I told him that our parents don't always handle change well, but are excited to see him. He took that to mean that they don't want him home and to make plans to stay where he is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 811

You deserved it 868

04/11/2009 05:18

Today, I totalled my car. I flipped it over on the freeway and broke my collarbone in the process. I was in extreme pain and unable to move. It took the ambulance an hour to get there in rush hour traffic. The song repeating on my iPod was, "Don't Worry, be Happy." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 041

You deserved it 5 583

04/01/2011 15:47

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 176

You deserved it 4 689

28/10/2012 04:22

Today, I said "bless you" to a nice man who sneezed on the subway. That nice man has now followed me home and stood outside my apartment complex for two hours, claiming to be my "soulmate." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 034

You deserved it 2 840

26/08/2010 09:16

Today, I realised that every morning my girlfriend gets me to help her put on a locket her ex-boyfriend bought her on Valentine's Day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 519

You deserved it 4 558

06/01/2011 06:03

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting it on. My boyfriend noticed that every time I'm about to climax, I hit my head on something. Whether it's a wall or his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 358

You deserved it 6 097

06/09/2010 18:01

Today, I woke up to the sound of my roommate's alarm clock going off at 6:00 in the morning. His bedroom door was locked, and he was passed out in his bed from drinking too much. It rang continuously for five and a half hours before it finally ran out of batteries. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 984

You deserved it 3 206

26/04/2015 07:09

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend having phone sex less than 10 feet away from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 866

You deserved it 2 936

22/06/2015 15:12

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 855

You deserved it 2 884

30/05/2009 18:04

Today, while arriving at my best friend's wedding, I accidentally ran over her 2 dogs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 686

You deserved it 25 536

What a wuss

By Anonymous - 30/03/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend flat out refuses to ever give me oral because it grosses him out when I squirt, and there's no way he wants that anywhere near his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 387

You deserved it 271

03/05/2009 17:10

Spicy

Today, I went to my girlfriend's sorority formal, we were both drunk. We went into the bathroom, she started to give me head. After about 30 seconds the song changes and she jumps up and goes out to dance, leaving me there. Door open. Penis out. It was the song she requested. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76 229

You deserved it 20 097

16/02/2012 18:36

Today, I dropped my bag to run after my two-year-old who had bolted in the parking lot. Once he was in his seat, I got in and drove away. I felt two large thumps as I drove over my own iPad, cellphone and wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 495

You deserved it 15 166

05/12/2018 17:30

Today, I opened the bathroom door and it broke my wife’s little toe. As revenge, she ruined the ending of Assassin's Creed that she had gotten me for Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 395

You deserved it 643

19/08/2013 05:41

Today, I found my dad drunk, sitting on the bathroom floor crying. When I asked him why, he said, "My son is gay." I'm his only child, and I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 278

You deserved it 3 039

18/02/2009 23:52

Today, I went to McDonald's for lunch and ordered a salad. The man behind the counter looked at me and said "Well, at least you're trying." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 565

You deserved it 9 204

His house, his asshole

By Anonymous - 11/06/2021 14:01

Spicy

Today, my dad is an asshole. My brother gets to bring home and shag as many girls as he wants, yet when I told my dad I was inviting my study group to our house, 3 girls and 1 boy I’m not romantically interested in, he removed my bedroom door, just in case. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 135

You deserved it 84

18/07/2009 08:15

Today, my husband and I were in bed when the alarm on his phone went off. He then told me that he had to 'sound the horn' and went over to his laptop. Wondering what that meant, I peered over at his laptop. It turns out hunting for mice on Facebook is more important than procreating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 764

You deserved it 4 140

24/08/2009 21:25

Spicy

Today, my wife and I had another couple over. My wife was beside me while we all talked in the kitchen. I turned to put something in the fridge, and the other couple went into the next room. Turning back, I groped my wife's breasts playfully. She screamed and slapped me. It wasn't my wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 804

You deserved it 59 131

02/08/2010 23:21

Today, I was bored out of my mind at work. I told my coworker he was lucky to be leaving early. I forgot the reason of his early departure was to go to his grandfather's funeral. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 566

You deserved it 36 397

Night snack

By adventurousnightsbutnotinagoodway - This fml is from back in 2013 but it's good stuff

Today, it was safe to say I started sleepwalking again, after I woke up with a mouth filled with soil and a ravaged plant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 695

You deserved it 3 687

03/02/2009 17:22

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend's guinea pig managed to go down her shirt. I have been dating her for 3 weeks and I haven't even kissed her yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 290

You deserved it 44 562

06/12/2011 14:33

Today, I saw a 10 dollar bill on the street, as I went to grab it, it was pulled away by a string. I don't know what's worse, the fact that I was tricked by teenagers or that I tripped and fell as I went for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 427

You deserved it 7 542

26/09/2014 13:03

Today, I was asked to order a new lockable cash tin for work. When my boss returned to ask which one I'd selected, I said, "An 8-inch black one". Her giggle said it all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 226

You deserved it 6 607

03/10/2016 02:32

Today, I got a bug bite on my boob. I scratched it so much it started bleeding so I put a bandaid on it. Turns out the band-aid had latex in it and I got an allergic reaction to it. The bug bite is still bleeding and the top half of my boob is swollen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 798

You deserved it 1 294

29/03/2010 04:20

Spicy

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 179

You deserved it 6 804

Can it, now!

By Anonymous - 02/01/2021 00:01

Today, I learned that I've married into a family that talks to movie characters as they’re doing stuff in the movie. Good luck hearing the dialogue now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 789

You deserved it 120

Hot lava from both ends

By SickBoi - 30/03/2021 14:01

Today, I was suffering from food poisoning and had constant diarrhea, along with feeling nauseous. I couldn't hold my vomit in and rushed to the toilet, but due to the pressure, I pooped while still in pajamas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 885

You deserved it 61

Stand up guy

By Cecilian - 06/03/2021 00:30

Today, I found out why my fiancé has been treating me like garbage lately. He thought that me getting fed up and dumping him would save him the unpleasant task of having to confess to the affair he’s been having with his coworker. We’re expecting our baby girl in 4 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 124

You deserved it 75

24/05/2009 06:43

Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 940

You deserved it 46 301

Descriptive

By Teaching26 - 15/05/2010 07:47

Today, I lectured my second-grade class to be more descriptive in their writing. I gave them an assignment to describe something in the classroom. I was grading their work later, and one student wrote, "My class is taught by a fat teacher with gray hair." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 081

You deserved it 17 479

24/12/2013 16:53

Today, I pretended to cry in front of my cat because she doesn't cuddle with me anymore. Yeah, I tried to guilt-trip my cat into loving me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 094

You deserved it 12 235

05/07/2009 04:57

Spicy

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 075

You deserved it 9 826

Shameless

By lying fuck! - 22/06/2020 14:02

Spicy

Today, I walked into my husband's office and accidentally interrupted his business call to tell him dinner was ready. Silly me, I didn’t realize his "business call" included Skyping with his topless ex, with his pants down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 920

You deserved it 163

Mixed results

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 828

You deserved it 233

Dream baby dream

By so sleepy - 24/04/2021 02:00

Today, as a lifelong insomnia sufferer, I was having an awful night. After tossing and turning in my bed for several hours, I decided to try sleeping on the couch. Not only did I finally fall asleep, I was having one of the best dreams of my life… Until my neighbor’s brat had a tantrum at 6 a.m. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 86

25/08/2015 05:51

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 964

You deserved it 1 641

12/11/2009 07:14

Today, I held a container while a patient tried to throw up in it. She missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 360

You deserved it 3 263

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 21:39

How comfortable were you getting with that machine exactly? I mean we're you spooning and one thing led to another and your hands started roaming? I imagine you could have lost more than just your fingers if you had gone any further...

Send a private message

Thursday 19 July 2018 19:01

Looks like you gave work safety the finger and it took more than that....

Comments

Send a private message

Thursday 19 July 2018 19:01

Looks like you gave work safety the finger and it took more than that....

Send a private message

Thursday 19 July 2018 20:31

ow...

real life problems 26

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 20:36

Did it make things uncomfortable between you two again?

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 20:44

Where is is tall man, where is tall man? In the machine. In the machine. It bit off my finger, it bit off my finger. Hear me scream. Hear me scream.

Jeremy Phillips 18

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 21:28

This makes no sense

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 23:04

It’s a nursery rhyme

Envy22 32

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 21:29

Ouch. Praying for you.

real life problems 26

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 22:28

Can you pray for me to win the lottery, in case a prayer works for once

Send a private message

Thursday 9 August 2018 1:28

What exactly are prayers going to do now?

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 21:39

How comfortable were you getting with that machine exactly? I mean we're you spooning and one thing led to another and your hands started roaming? I imagine you could have lost more than just your fingers if you had gone any further...

Send a private message

Thursday 9 August 2018 1:48

He was probably leaning against it... get your mind out of the gutter

Charlie Given 24

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 21:55

Wow ouch sorry for ya, so is your new name Lefty or Righty or how about 8&1/3 😊

RichardPencil 30

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 22:15

You lost your whole middle finger? How are you going to be able to drive now? I use my middle finger to drive more than my turn signals, horn and windshield wipers combined!

Send a private message

Thursday 9 August 2018 21:44

hola brother

DraftHail614 17

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 22:37

How could anyone say YDI?

Joseph Remington Rayburn 7

Send a private message

Thursday 9 August 2018 7:45

Easy, OP literally said he was getting too comfortable around it. Heavy machinery, or any machinery capable of bending, breaking, or removing something that is much stronger than flesh and bone should always be feared and respected. OP failed to follow that rule, and learned what happens when you don't.

_Hakuna_Matata_ 12

Send a private message

Wednesday 8 August 2018 22:42

Finger lickin good.