Today, I finally figured out why I've been getting diarrhea so often over the past six months. It only happens whenever I do something "sneaky". My body reacts strongly to how I stress over potentially getting caught. I'm a private investigator, and I apparently need a new career. FML
Collection
Thanksgiving
Questions about your love life, a burnt turkey and the cousin who knows everything: Thanksgiving, a contact sport.
Today, I was confronted by my superiors for spending a "suspicious" amount of time in the bathroom every day. Not only did I have to take the test, but I also had to send in a doctor's note proving that I have a bowel condition I'd hoped to keep secret. FML
Today, I got diagnosed with a condition that expresses itself in the form of violent diarrhea whenever I get nervous. Now I am constantly nervous about getting nervous about anything. FML
Today, I have such bad diarrhea that every time I sneeze I poop. I've discovered it's very hard to run to the bathroom every time I feel the urge to sneeze. FML
Today, my ass decided that it was the perfect day to exhibit the diarrhea side-effect of medicine I'm taking. I definitely made a lasting impression on my interviewer. FML
Today, I have a job interview after months of struggling to find work. I also woke up with explosive diarrhea and can’t be away from the toilet for more than 10 minutes. FML
Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML
Today, I finally realized that I have so much anxiety and stress, I would fail a polygraph test asking me my own name. FML
Today, I've been chronically constipated so long that I was actually grateful for the sudden blast of diarrhea that ruined my pants. FML
Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML
Today, I have horrible diarrhea because of IBS. If I was at home, this wouldn't be that big of an issue, but I'm at work and I don't have access to a bathroom all the time. I also found out I have about 10 minutes to get to the toilet or else I'll probably shit myself. FML
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Top comments
Crazynopantsman 11
It's smelly in here my dear Watson
FMLJFL 5
Damn, that is some bad luck. But can't you train yourself to pass obstacles like this?
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Comments (106)
ICastillo 25
Oh come on guys don't be shitheads. *puts shades back on*
Sputnikspak 13
Except when Imodium constipates you, because you're not supposed to take it on a regular basis like that, unless you're under doctor's orders.
windfuelsfire 10
Now you know how your body reacts to modern life's greatest serial killer: stress. I suspect you don't have a clue as to where to start a new carreer. Pleo, it's your cue I'm out of ideas.
kchris 15
I bet all those ruined marriages are coming back at you.
XxDevilxXGt 26
Alright, no one gets the shades. *throws shades off a bridge*
klovemachine 24
*Finds shades in river* B-)
BubbleGrunge 18
OP, maybe you could talk to a doctor of some kind who could prescribe you something for anxiety. Or, if that isn't your thing, take up meditating or something along those lines.i have anxiety and panic attacks, which sometimes cause an upset stomach, but at the times when taking a relaxing medication isn't feasible (like, at work) I learned breathing exercise that do wonders for me! Good luck; anxiety is a bitch!
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
I bought some hypnosis/relaxation app for social anxiety, at the very least it's been helping me sleep well for the past few weeks, and just that alone has a rather calming effect that can help in stressful situations. I know it's not for everyone, but when you're out of other options, it's worth a shot!
Blacksabbath211 9
Dismantles shades, teleports to middle earth, and hands the shades to Frodo with instructions to throw them into Mt. Doom.
MizzKilljoy69 11
i dont feel like wearing these anymore *removes shades*
SirCharles83 13