Health: Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I...

By it's sharty time :/ - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

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Health

Oh, hai!

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Social distancing

By Noname - United States

Today, my 4 year old niece asked me why I didn't have a job or wife. FML

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By officework - Canada - Toronto

Today, during the "what can your manager do to help with your career aspirations" section of my annual review, my manager basically told me she wouldn't help me and I should quit. FML

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By have it your way - United States - Rochester

Today, during a boat trip with my boyfriend's family, I got seasick and went to the side of the boat to puke. A current rocked the boat so badly that I fell overboard, prompting a panicked rescue and my boyfriend's mom muttering that I'm a pathetic attention whore. FML

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By Tomtom - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By mountainmetal983 - 5/3/2020 18:00

The serpentine movement of life

Today, the serpentine belt broke on my truck a mile away from work, 30 minutes before I needed to be there. This caused me to be 45 minutes late. I got written up for being late. The tow truck then took my truck to the wrong mechanic shop. Now I have to pay another tow truck bill to get it to the right shop. FML

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By 7rafe7 - United States

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

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By doubleds - Canada

Today, I was buying an expensive pillow for my mother from a store clerk who wouldn't stop staring at my boobs. After paying, I saw an elderly lady who had dropped a bag, so I walked to help. I walked back to the clerk, who refused to believe I paid. The reason? He didn't recognize my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I stepped in a pile of dog shit. While trying to get it off by wiping my foot on the grass, I stepped in another pile. FML

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By LaundryVictim

Today, I picked up my laundry from the wash-and-fold and proceeded to put everything away. I noticed a hand towel that wasn't mine and made a mental note to return it; turned out they'd given me someone else's boxers as well. My boyfriend doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my dad gave my younger brother condoms and a pat on the back, even though he doesn't have a girlfriend. This is after called me a whore after he saw me kissing my long-term boyfriend last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2020 11:02 - Canada - Sherbrooke

Drunken antics

Today, I woke up to the sound of my boyfriend full-on peeing into our tiny trash bin. The trash bin was basket material, so the pee was all over the floor. Once he'd finished, he went to bed, passed out and left me to clean it all up. FML

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755

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By woodchuck0022 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By khaelian - United States

Today, the highlight of my day was that the gas station I work at finally got a new mop head. FML

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27869

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By Tiak - United States

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I found out first-hand that the most horrifying sight you can ever witness is two morbidly obese people getting nasty with each other in a dance club's run-down, public restroom. FML

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37890

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By Anonymous

Today, after 26 years of confusion with my parents pronouncing it different ways, and in my mom's case, multiple ways, having to clear up how it's spelled every time I meet someone, I asked my mom how to pronounce my name. She got mad and then pronounced it three different ways while explaining. FML

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5399

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417

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By noweddingforyou - Canada - Guelph

Today, my girlfriend walked in on me taking a dump, and started plucking her eyebrows. When I told her I was uncomfortable, she said, "Aww, is my baby's poo shy? Is it, is it?" and pinched my cheek. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went out with my best friend and her hot brother. Upon our exit out of the restaurant I walked right into the glass door and rebounded back off it. The whole restaurant was silent as I shamefully walked out only to trip on the curb outside. FML

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38393

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By iwantpizza69 - United States

Today, I told the guy I have feelings for that I'm interested in, and asked him how he feels about it. He responded via text, saying, "I feel fairly neutral about that." FML

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By Bento - United States

Today, I had to write a huge lab for my physics class. It's worth my entire quarter grade and I use a program on a CD for graphing. My mom thought it was a computer game and hid the CD. She can't find it. The lab's due tomorrow. FML

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By nobieb - Canada - Welland

Today, I found out that while having a GPS tracker in your car is helpful for tracking down car thieves, it's also helpful to your psycho ex, who can use it to track you down. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my car wouldn't start because of the cold weather. Since I was at a friend's house, I asked him to jump-start it. After taking about ten minutes to start his vehicle and park it by mine, we found that both of our car hoods were frozen shut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

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29542

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By - 25/1/2020 18:00

Please do it

Today, it was my last day with my boyfriend before he went to college. At the store, he got a huge box of condoms. When I asked why he was getting so many, he said they were for the girls he meets at college. He then asked me to steal them for him. FML

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By T - France

Today, I got the guts to call my dad for the first time in nine years. He said he "almost didn't remember" he "had another daughter." Another? FML

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By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By spiteful bitch - 25/7/2020 23:00

Surprise!

Today, my boyfriend’s ex found out I was pregnant. Her logical response was to have her teenage sons jump him as he was coming home from work. Now we’re filling out a police report instead of our baby registry. FML

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1477

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By Honey Badger - United States

Today, I was at a meeting. One of the other members decided to share that their cat had passed away recently. I got an uncontrollable nervous laugh, started crying because I was laughing so hard, and left the room while everyone watched in horror. FML

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By lazy pregnant girl - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that because he works fifty hours a week, I should be meeting an arbitrary quota of fifty hours of housework, and if I don't, I'm insensitive and ungrateful. FML

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25715

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my best friend to an 80's party. She drank too much and ended up puking all over the interior and exterior of my car as well as inside my right legwarmer on the 30 mile trip back home. FML

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23970

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By theybitchaboutgnomesbutnotthis?? - United Kingdom - Exeter

Today, thanks to an idiotic, "hilariously edgy" advert that screened in the very early evening, my 6-year-old son keeps repeating the phrase "I want a vasectomy" to everyone he sees. I've never received so many dirty looks in my life. FML

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42354

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By Emily 1992 - United States - Klamath Falls

Today, and for the past 3 days, I've had a massive migraine. It finally went away while I was at work, thanks to my nose bleeding all over the place. FML

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1696

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By BirthdayTeeth - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 14-year-old daughter told me she's pregnant and plans on dropping out of school to live a life on the road with her boyfriend. FML

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44053

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By tinfoilnirvana - United States

Today, I went for lunch at a Chinese restaurant near my home that I have never eaten at before. It was so good I went back tonight for more, and the restaurant has been boarded up. It is closed due to food contamination. Inspections happened today. I ate contaminated food for lunch today. FML

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53830

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By asadwa

Today, my mother told me she forgot what a verb is. I'm homeschooled, and she's my teacher. FML

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43597

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By HolyRavioli - United Kingdom

Today, I sat at work for 8 hours daydreaming about the homemade 4 cheese ravioli I would come home to after spending 3 hours making it from scratch the night before. When I finally got home and heated the ravioli, I dropped it all over my feet, giving me second degree burns. FML

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23201

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Shepton Mallet

Today, my boyfriend told me he'd drive me to the jeweler's to pick out a ring. We drove there, I picked the ring, and the sales person rang it up. I glanced at my boyfriend, only for him to reply, "Well don't look at me!" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6642133 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:56

And you didn't even bring a spare. Strike one.

By Tripartita | 44

#6642152 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:17

That's /barely/ a breach of trust, OP. The fart I hired to handle my personal finances is being investigated for tax fraud. It's so hard to find trustworthy farts nowadays.

COMMENTS

By nattnatt73 | 31

#6641901 - Saturday 2 July 2016 21:58

Sorry op rejection is never easy, she's probably only not talking to you because she feels it would be awkward. Hopefully she'll get over it soon enough

JusTheo | 17

#6642131 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:55

the shit rejected him?

Aethereal | 14

#6642146 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:08

Wrong FML?

Tripartita | 44

#6642148 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:08

She has a point, though, #1. It would be super awkward to have your underwear talk to you post-shart.

melons | 44

#6642266 - Sunday 3 July 2016 12:45

It was ejection not rejection.

iLuvfatchickz | 4

#6642374 - Sunday 3 July 2016 17:54

Standard fml response #1

RosaMaravillosa | 10

#6642461 - Sunday 3 July 2016 20:24

what are you talking about?

Denny1988 | 19

#6642888 - Monday 4 July 2016 11:57

what? don't think you read the post properly

By AirMelon | 12

#6642129 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:55

That must have been a shitty situation

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6642164 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:52

Get out. Now.

freddygasman | 18

#6642541 - Sunday 3 July 2016 22:14

And take your shit (joke)with you.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6642731 - Monday 4 July 2016 5:42

#17, I love how your profile pic matches so well with your comment.

By Welshite | 39

#6642133 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:56

And you didn't even bring a spare. Strike one.

WCARlover | 34

#6642141 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:03

I bet OP felt like a real turkey

RodzillaX | 30

#6642142 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:05

Hopefully there was a nearby gutter for OP to utilize.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6642728 - Monday 4 July 2016 5:41

This is the best pun I've seen on FML in a long time. Bravo to you!

By heatherrr17 | 19

#6642135 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:57

Lol im sorry but im laughing, try not to be embarressed by it

By coolvictori | 22

#6642143 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:05

Wow...good luck

By lui_pg | 21

#6642144 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:06

Why does your age matter here?

WCARlover | 34

#6642145 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:07

probably because it's mainly just elderly people who can't control their bodily functions

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6642149 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:14

Or people with nerve issues or other ailments.

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6642151 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:17

Go to the bathroom, clean yourself up, throw out the underpants, and get back to work. If someone sees you throwing them out, who cares? This does not have to be a big deal or even an FML. It's life. Things happen.

By Tripartita | 44

#6642152 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:17

That's /barely/ a breach of trust, OP. The fart I hired to handle my personal finances is being investigated for tax fraud. It's so hard to find trustworthy farts nowadays.

harperska | 10

#6643188 - Monday 4 July 2016 22:06

It apparently wasn't so much an untrustworthy fart as a shit fraudulently misrepresenting itself as a fart. While not as severe as tax evasion, such an act is usually grounds for legal redress.