Health: Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I...

By it's sharty time :/ - United States - Bismarck

Today, during an 8 hour shift at a very busy bowling alley, I found out I can't trust a fart anymore. I'm only 25. Now I have to finish my shift commando, and also get rid of the evidence without anyone noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12435

You deserved it

1744

Favorite

Health

My body, my choice

Roommate from hell

Sounds like a catch

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for a scan. The tech went wide-eyed and stared at his screen in horror before realizing I could see him. He wouldn't tell me what he saw, apparently only my doctor is allowed to do that. So now I have to wait for god knows how long to get my results back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29914

You deserved it

1645

Favorite

By Somethingswrongwiththispic - United States

Today, I was watching this show about fat people. I was wondering how people could let this happen to themselves. Then I looked down and saw a giant bowl of popcorn, ice cream, potato chips, and soda. I thus figured out how people do this to themselves. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10169

You deserved it

46850

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a new job. I'm 26 and I left an amazing job to move back to be around my family. I have no choice but to take this job. I will be placing my finger in a dead turkeys ass, cutting open its stomach, and ripping out its guts. 15 per minute. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32001

You deserved it

10738

Favorite

By hellostupid - United States

Today, I had to convince my 20-year-old boyfriend that not only is his aquatic turtle a reptile, but that it's also cold-blooded and thus can't regulate its own temperature just by going into its shell. He still thinks I'm the stupid one. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35895

You deserved it

4794

Favorite

By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37859

You deserved it

19505

Favorite

By denae92

Great timing

Today, I finally got the courage to tell my boyfriend that I love him. We've been dating almost a year and in a few days we will be moving into the same apartment building and attending the same college. He said, "I'm sorry, I don't feel the same way." FML

I agree, your life sucks

1769

You deserved it

190

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40592

You deserved it

7367

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my leadership class was trying to decide who would run the kissing booth in our local carnival. Someone suggested me, to which the director replied, "We'd never make any profit with her." FML

I agree, your life sucks

35825

You deserved it

3049

Favorite

By bgierczak2 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my wallet was stolen from my purse at work. When I asked my boss to pull the security tape so we could identify the thief, he said, "I don't think I want to know who it is." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27713

You deserved it

1690

Favorite

By imy - United States

Today, while performing a rectal exam on my female patient, I inadvertently said, "Okay, you're going to feel some pleasure now." I meant "pressure". Her husband was in the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48000

You deserved it

9424

Favorite

By Anonymous - 13/6/2021 17:59

Drunk

Today, I awoke in my bathtub, water all over the floor, all the way into my living room. I drank too much so I don't remember getting into the bath, I have no clue how long I was in there, and I got a message from the manager of my apartment complex telling me the water had leaked into the apartment below. FML

I agree, your life sucks

185

You deserved it

1294

Favorite

By faza4327 - Australia

Today, I was on my way home on my bike when a lady in a 4WD cut me off while beeping her horn and calling me a "stupid f**ker who should get a proper education." In her car, she was smoking, and her three children weren't wearing seat belts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41388

You deserved it

3527

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, as a joke, my friends plastic wrapped me to my bed while I was sleeping, I had an allergic reaction to the plastic and had to have the girl I like come cut me out and give me my meds. I sleep naked and was unable to put on clothes during this time. She saw me naked, swollen and with hives. FML

I agree, your life sucks

85176

You deserved it

5917

Favorite

By ugly - United States

Today, a total stranger on the bus called me hideous and threw a soda in my face. I only asked him if the seat next to him was taken. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37090

You deserved it

3494

Favorite

By KismetSiren - United States - Hoffman Forest

Today, I told my mother I got engaged. Her reply was a great heaving sigh, followed by ,"OK… So how's work going?" She showed more excitement last week when my brother managed to properly make Kraft macaroni. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9702

You deserved it

654

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4336

You deserved it

291

Favorite

By Guy - Romania - Bucharest

Today, my girlfriend dumped me after I told her I found out I have diabetes. She thought it was an STD and I had cheated on her. So I explained what it really was and she dumped me again because she didn't want her future children to inherit my fucked up DNA. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30559

You deserved it

2049

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having sex, I thought I was having an orgasm for the first time. Turns out I was just hyperventilating. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42179

You deserved it

6433

Favorite

By diddlebuag - United States

Today, I came home from work, only to find the babysitter passed out on the couch with a bottle of Jack Daniel's. At some point, it seems my son had taken the liberty of peeing on her while she slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42935

You deserved it

6225

Favorite

By poisonivyandbigfoot - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2393

You deserved it

4272

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my crazy stalker got a crazy stalker too. And she's also stalking me. So basically, I'm in some sort of a stalking triangle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4337

You deserved it

283

Favorite

By Woody - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I went to take a dump at work, but the last person in the stall didn't flush. As I flushed for him, the shitty water splashed on my face. Some went in my mouth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2594

You deserved it

366

Favorite

By boyo - United Kingdom

Today, I was visiting my sick grandmother in the hospital when my cousin and I were playing in some empty wheelchairs. After goofing off I said, "They're fun, but I would kill myself if I was in a wheelchair." A little boy rounded the corner and said, "Tell me about it." He was in a wheelchair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13289

You deserved it

81859

Favorite

By Anonymous - France

Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

16689

You deserved it

61400

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, the stall I was using didn't have any toilet paper in it. Being the immature idiot I am, I was too embarrassed to ask for someone to grab me some. So I waited 45 minutes for the bathroom to be empty and crept into the next stall, only to find it was also out of toilet paper. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2589

You deserved it

898

Favorite

By FMBs - Puerto Rico - Guaynabo

Don't listen to Cosmo

Today, my girlfriend got the brilliant idea of trying out a sex tip dreamed up by one of the glorified trolls at Cosmo. I think my balls are broken beyond repair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51602

You deserved it

7176

Favorite

By beepbeep

Today, after being kicked out of my racist family, my boyfriend and I moved across the country to rent an apartment with my sister. My mother hates us so much she offered to buy my sister a new car to not take us in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3223

You deserved it

512

Favorite

By seriously - United States - Oak Lawn

Today, I decided to splurge and get valet parking at a fancy restaurant. I got out of the car and gave the man my keys and watched as he slowly backed my car into another car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36515

You deserved it

3571

Favorite

By Trey Deluna - United States

Today, my mother asked me to drill a hole in one of the studs in her ceiling. Finding it a little odd, I asked her about it. It turns out she's installing the sex swing her boyfriend bought her, and I got to help. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33412

You deserved it

3133

Favorite

By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 17:03 - United Kingdom - Bristol

They can't feel you

Today, I went to a funeral with my family. As we were walking on the grass to the burial site, my 5-year-old brother curiously asks, in a not-so-quiet voice, "Sissy, are we walking on dead people?" It was hard to answer his question with so many glaring people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1231

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By plantfood - United States

Today, I was boarding a plane and an elderly woman asked if I could put her carry on into the overhead bin. Eager to help, I energetically lifted her bag up, and smacked her in the face with it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32947

You deserved it

6307

Favorite

By Whoops - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31761

You deserved it

2010

Favorite

By skrewedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend left me. Knowing that I am a germaphobe, she took all of my cleaning supplies and spread mud and trash everywhere. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33592

You deserved it

6600

Favorite

By skyhawk13 - United States

Today, at my school's Midnight Madness, I was selected to show my school spirit in a contest. Being drunk, I decided to hump the school mascot in front of 300 people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8107

You deserved it

53710

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, my dad got me a GPS for my birthday. I appreciate the sentiment, but I don't have a permit or a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43406

You deserved it

3679

Favorite

By Yazzy - United States

Today, I found out that my parents can see a screen-by-screen of everything I say and do on my computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55709

You deserved it

7913

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Bend

Today, on my first ski run down a mountain, I dislocated my patella. Now I get to watch out of the window as my family builds a snowman and names it after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28334

You deserved it

2471

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Woodbridge

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29474

You deserved it

1729

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23554

You deserved it

3043

Favorite

By LonelyInLA - United States

Today, I was watching TV when the Jim Beam commercial came on with the hot girl saying how she likes her men fat and hairy. My mom walked in and said, "See honey, you still have a chance." FML

I agree, your life sucks

42498

You deserved it

4956

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6642133 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:56

And you didn't even bring a spare. Strike one.

By Tripartita | 44

#6642152 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:17

That's /barely/ a breach of trust, OP. The fart I hired to handle my personal finances is being investigated for tax fraud. It's so hard to find trustworthy farts nowadays.

COMMENTS

By nattnatt73 | 31

#6641901 - Saturday 2 July 2016 21:58

Sorry op rejection is never easy, she's probably only not talking to you because she feels it would be awkward. Hopefully she'll get over it soon enough

JusTheo | 17

#6642131 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:55

the shit rejected him?

Aethereal | 14

#6642146 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:08

Wrong FML?

Tripartita | 44

#6642148 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:08

She has a point, though, #1. It would be super awkward to have your underwear talk to you post-shart.

melons | 44

#6642266 - Sunday 3 July 2016 12:45

It was ejection not rejection.

iLuvfatchickz | 4

#6642374 - Sunday 3 July 2016 17:54

Standard fml response #1

RosaMaravillosa | 10

#6642461 - Sunday 3 July 2016 20:24

what are you talking about?

Denny1988 | 19

#6642888 - Monday 4 July 2016 11:57

what? don't think you read the post properly

By AirMelon | 12

#6642129 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:55

That must have been a shitty situation

NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6642164 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:52

Get out. Now.

freddygasman | 18

#6642541 - Sunday 3 July 2016 22:14

And take your shit (joke)with you.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6642731 - Monday 4 July 2016 5:42

#17, I love how your profile pic matches so well with your comment.

By Welshite | 39

#6642133 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:56

And you didn't even bring a spare. Strike one.

WCARlover | 34

#6642141 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:03

I bet OP felt like a real turkey

RodzillaX | 30

#6642142 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:05

Hopefully there was a nearby gutter for OP to utilize.

Sandsh8rk | 36

#6642728 - Monday 4 July 2016 5:41

This is the best pun I've seen on FML in a long time. Bravo to you!

By heatherrr17 | 19

#6642135 - Sunday 3 July 2016 6:57

Lol im sorry but im laughing, try not to be embarressed by it

By coolvictori | 22

#6642143 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:05

Wow...good luck

By lui_pg | 21

#6642144 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:06

Why does your age matter here?

WCARlover | 34

#6642145 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:07

probably because it's mainly just elderly people who can't control their bodily functions

BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6642149 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:14

Or people with nerve issues or other ailments.

By BoxFullOfLazy | 25

#6642151 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:17

Go to the bathroom, clean yourself up, throw out the underpants, and get back to work. If someone sees you throwing them out, who cares? This does not have to be a big deal or even an FML. It's life. Things happen.

By Tripartita | 44

#6642152 - Sunday 3 July 2016 7:17

That's /barely/ a breach of trust, OP. The fart I hired to handle my personal finances is being investigated for tax fraud. It's so hard to find trustworthy farts nowadays.

harperska | 10

#6643188 - Monday 4 July 2016 22:06

It apparently wasn't so much an untrustworthy fart as a shit fraudulently misrepresenting itself as a fart. While not as severe as tax evasion, such an act is usually grounds for legal redress.