Animals: Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public....

By ModernCindy - United Kingdom - Cleveleys

Today, I felt like Cinderella. No, I didn't lose a shoe in public. Nor did I dance with Prince Charming. But I did get a visit from tiny wild mice in my home. FML

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Animals

And today, on Dr Phil…

#1 Dad of the day

I'll get right on it, chief

By Confused lesbian - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

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By workaholic - United States

Today, while I was at work, my boyfriend decided to give my Cocker Spaniel a haircut. I now have the equivalent of an over-sized naked mole rat running around my house. FML

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By sarskii - United States

Today, my mother found out that I'm sexually active. She wants me to tell my father. I'm seventeen, and my father still has trouble grasping the fact that I carry a purse, because it means I'm "growing up." This should be fun. FML

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By 21! - United States - Schenectady

Today, while walking around my college campus, I passed by a dorm where a drunk guy was peeing out one of the top floor windows while his drunk friends cheered him on. That guy is my boyfriend. Lucky me. FML

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By Peaches - United States - Tucker

Today, I was informed that I was let go from my job for not showing up for a week. A week I'd scheduled off, that management had approved. FML

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By tallvet

Today, I told my wife to not drive our car as it has a steering problem and is starting to shake. I got home from work to see it had a flat tire, and asked her if she went anywhere. She'd thought I was exaggerating and went out for coffee. I've been a mechanic for 7 years. FML

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By lalalalainie - United States - Fullerton

Today, just for old time's sake, I decided to jump on my bed. I ended up hitting my head on the spinning fan and knocking myself unconscious. FML

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By Jen - 24/1/2021 13:58 - United States

Jealous?

Today, my unborn child's father told me he stood outside of my friend's house for an hour in the snow in the middle of the night because he thought I was with another guy. I was at her house helping with her four kids. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Edinburg

Today, my girlfriend and I hosted a family game night with her grandparents and her father, who was bringing his "friend" who he'd been dating for a couple of weeks. It was my mom. FML

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By Badab1ng - United States

Today, things were getting heated with my girlfriend, so I tried taking her shirt off. Slapping my hands away, she said, "I was only dating you to get my self-confidence up, I'm good now." FML

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By :/

Today, I taught my 12-year-old brothers that showering cannot be used as a substitute for deodorant, and that they should use both. One of them was almost in tears. FML

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By jasmine - United States

Today, I realized I have the most amazing boyfriend in the world. Too bad he has never once made me orgasm in the two and a half years we've been together. FML

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By Bellucy27 - United States

Today, I went to the new Walmart to buy a space heater. After dodging cones in the parking lot, and trying to open several doors while employees looked on, I checked the sign, which said "24 hours." I then realized is stated that the grand opening is tomorrow. I'm now sitting in my apartment shivering. FML

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By NotAThief

Swiper No Swiping!

Today, I got a talking-to at work from my new manager for eating other peoples' lunches. Immediately afterwards, I watched my manager leave the room, take MY lunch, and begin eating it. Apparently my new manager is the thief, and I'm now the office pariah who gets the blame. Nobody believes me. FML

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By Sadmom - United States

Today, my 7 year old daughter decided to use my laptop without my permission. She accidentally got SpaghettiOs on the screen, then used the hard side of a sponge, filled with soapy water, to scrub both the keyboard and screen of my laptop to clean it off so Mommy wouldn't know. FML

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By divineinstrument - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours and hours trying to figure out why the wireless internet on my laptop wasn't working, but everything I tried completely failed. At the end of the day, my older brother came home, and fixed the problem in under 10 seconds by turning the wireless internet switch on. FML

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By greasyhair - United States

Today, I finally figured out why my 5 year old daughter washes her hair everyday. It's because she doesn't want to have "yucky greasy" hair like her mommy. FML

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By Oregon

Does it taste good?

Today, while my boyfriend was fingering me, he accidentally pulled out my NuvaRing, he then licked it off and placed it back inside me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my psycho mom walked in while I was chilling and having fun with some friends. She kicked them out and now wants to drug test me, because "Nobody's that happy without drugs". FML

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By yolo is for shitheads - United States

Today, I had to call in sick to work because I was experiencing bowel distress. I called my manager's phone directly so no one else would know of my embarrassment. She put me on speakerphone, and I only realized when the juvenile laughter started. FML

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By foreveralone - New Zealand - Torbay

Today, I was finally asked out on a date after a year of being single. Turns out he got the wrong number. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went for a job interview on my birthday. I had on a shirt and a tie on and I had my Blackberry in my pocket. I was running a little late, so I dashed outside. When I came out of the door, a bunch of my buddies screamed HAPPY BIRTHDAY! and poured Gatorade all over me. FML

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By qwerty

Today, I found out my little sister took a picture of me taking a shit and showed it to her friends. FML

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By sweet - United States

Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML

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By heartbroke - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was getting dirty with my boyfriend. It was the first time he had fingered anyone, and the only thing he said was, "It feels like the inside of my asshole." FML

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By only child says fuck you mom - United States - Holly Springs

Today, I overheard my mom talking to a friend on the phone. What caught my attention was when she said: "You ever look at your kid and just think... 'Fuck. Where'd I go wrong?'" FML

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By girlfriday - United Kingdom

Today, my left-handed boss needed PC help. I said "right-click for the menu." She said nothing happened. Three times we went through this. Eventually I went over, asking her to show me what she did. She was using her right hand on the left mouse button. She earns £10,000 more than me. FML

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By L

Today, the sewers in my town became overloaded. My basement is now filled with other people's poo. FML

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By Bailyboo - United States

Today, I admitted my fear of small spaces to my boyfriend. His response was to immediately lock me in the hall closet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I developed the disposable camera pictures from my family's trip to Disney World. I noticed that in the pictures I took of them in front of the big castle at Magic Kingdom, my wife and son were standing a few feet away from a man who was touching himself. FML

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By cieee - United States

Today, I got a text from my mom saying, "I heard the cupcake store got robbed. Where are you?" Then she texted back, "Oh never mind, they wanted money, not cupcakes. It wasn't you." Very funny, Mom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 17:01

Not the sharpest tool

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Why? Her six old likes me more than her. I hate kids. I stayed with her in spite of her son, because I love her. For some reason she thought I was going to leave her and take her kid with me. So she broke up with me first. FML

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By alone and horny - 20/6/2020 20:01

Some people just don't like surprises

Today, I went outside to smoke a cigarette. When I started to head back in, I saw a shadow move across my bedroom window. I live alone, so I waited outside and called the police. They came and investigated, only to drag my naked boyfriend out, where he promptly dumped me. I forgot our 2-year anniversary. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, in a crowded hallway, I saw the guy I fancy standing in front of me, with his arms open wide. Thinking he wanted to hug me, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped back. He looked at me like I was nuts. I then realised he was trying to hug the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymoose - Switzerland

Today, I stayed up until 4 am. I was waiting for both my cats to fall asleep, so I could play Santa and stuff their stockings in secret. FML

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By notsober - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

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By Wrabel - Germany - Mainz

Today, I received a package from Amazon. My mum smiled at me when I entered the living room, pointing to my package. She had already opened it and held back her smile. My penis pills for longer endurance just got delivered. FML

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By Derpina - United States

Today, a student came in late to class, and there were only a couple of seats available. I waved her over offering her the seat beside me with the quip, "It's OK, you can sit by me. I don't smell or anything." I realized after she sat down that she actually did. FML

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Top comments

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6474532 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:04

Did they sing and dance and make you a dress. If not I'm seeing a problem

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6474537 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:06

What, no fairy god mother?

COMMENTS

By Ninjahiga | 27

#6474530 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:04

Call an exterminator ASAP before it gets worse

Livin_Like_Larry | 29

#6474567 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:24

Top comment with -1 likes?!?!?!?!?

XxDanno316xX | 27

#6474576 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:38

1st comment does not guarantee everyone will like the actual comment mate. :)

DoomSkuller | 28

#6474599 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 0:17

Why? Mice and rats are good pets. Just need to keep them out of the walls where they can cause havoc on the house. And get em treated for disease.

bandaidstations | 28

#6474603 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 0:28

16, this is not ifunny. Comments are in the order they were made, not according to likes.

wanted_2_want | 40

#6474637 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 1:27

AND they make a tasty snack for my cat.

By UncleCaitlyn | 21

#6474532 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:04

Did they sing and dance and make you a dress. If not I'm seeing a problem

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6474537 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:06

What, no fairy god mother?

wanted_2_want | 40

#6474636 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 1:25

Definitely a drama queen.

By Richard6036 | 13

#6474538 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:06

Don't worry the seven dwarves aren't far behind

umerin | 32

#6474587 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:56

wrong princess bud

By i_live_to_vault | 19

#6474539 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:07

Well you have to befriend the nice before the show incident and Prince Charming, according to the story.

i_live_to_vault | 19

#6474552 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:14

*shoe. Autocorrect.

dabaerju | 23

#6474796 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 7:30

*mice. You forgot one.

By oceaneyes213 | 21

#6474540 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:08

Personally I wouldn't have too big an issue because I have three snakes who love mice. But seriously, call an exterminator. They can carry diseases.

By madscientist_17 | 15

#6474546 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:10

bibbity bobbity boo

By Miss_Chevious | 37

#6474547 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:11

Bibbity Bobbity Shoo!

By Warmonger_Smurf | 29

#6474549 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:12

I'd say get a cat, but mine were always better at bringing half dead mince into the house. Oddly my dogs have always been better mousers.

By TMWhisp | 22

#6474553 - Monday 30 November 2015 23:16

Sounds like you need to summon Lucifer for this problem.

TheLadyOpal | 30

#6474647 - Tuesday 1 December 2015 1:47

I would not trust a cat named Lucifer, especially if he belonged to my bitch of a wicked stepmother.