Miscellaneous: Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 95

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 272

You deserved it 37

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 135

06/10/2014 19:12

Today, my laziness reached a whole new level when I caught myself skipping the longer FML stories to read the shorter ones. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 438

You deserved it 13 773

Triage

Something is about to bust

Drugs are bad, mkay ?

No shot

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 04:01

Today, I had emergency surgery to remove my fallopian tubes. I'm one of the 0.5% of people who get pregnant after having their tubes tied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 879

You deserved it 77

Friendly advice

By babydoc - 03/07/2020 23:00

Today, I visited a friend and her new baby. The baby had a tight constrictive headband and a clearly wet cloth nappy on. I tried to give some friendly advice on why this was bad, but she shot me down, saying what would I know, I don't have a kid. She's 17 and I'm a 26-year-old practicing midwife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 767

You deserved it 149

18/02/2014 16:31

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 075

You deserved it 46 508

21/12/2009 19:23

Today, my boyfriend decided to give me my Christmas present early because he's going to his grandparents' house for Christmas and won't see me. I was excited, until I unwrapped a sweater that I left there a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 159

You deserved it 2 976

15/01/2010 05:04

Today, I used a public bathroom and set my motorcycle helmet on the sink while I used the urinal. The helmet rolled into the sink, under the faucet and set off the motion detector, soaking the inside. I drove 15 miles home in 30 degree weather with a wet helmet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 189

You deserved it 9 188

28/12/2013 08:23

Today, my dog has found a new game he likes. It involves him rolling around on my new bed sheets to build up static electricity and run and poke me with his nose so I get shocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 424

You deserved it 5 861

23/05/2013 01:57

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 273

You deserved it 4 752

15/12/2018 06:30

Today, my son was looking through old photos and showed me a picture of myself and asked who it was. When I told him it was me, he responded by saying "But mommy, the lady in the picture is not fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 300

You deserved it 470

01/03/2010 07:30

Spicy

Today, after finalizing my divorce, I decided to go out with a guy I had been ogling for months, after much anticipation and a few rounds of drinks at the bar, I was ready to roll. Much to my disappointment, his penis was so small the condom wouldn't stay on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 554

You deserved it 8 591

06/10/2011 15:14

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 925

You deserved it 6 984

31/10/2012 20:24

Today, I was at a barbeque with my family, my boyfriend, and some mutual acquaintances. Someone jokingly called my boyfriend a pussy, to which he loudly replied, "I guess I am what I eat!" My mother was sitting across from us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 191

You deserved it 4 147

16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 447

You deserved it 430

That shit adds up

By melikeyturtles - 03/07/2012 15:08

Today, I found out my home health patient purposely drinks tons of prune juice every night so I will have a huge mess to clean up in the morning because I'm "a lazy bastard" and I "need to work harder." FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 115

You deserved it 2 814

06/06/2013 18:47

Today, my little sister was scared to sleep alone, so my parents made her sleep in bed with me. I barely slept, due to the utter terror of waking up to her chanting into my ear in a low whisper, "This is where you die, this is where you die..." FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 267

You deserved it 3 864

09/10/2010 21:27

Today, I went shopping with a friend. She picked up a hundred dollars on the floor that somebody dropped. I told her, "I feel sorry for the retard who dropped the money." When I got home, I checked my purse and realized that I was missing a hundred dollars. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 590

You deserved it 42 957

20/10/2011 04:05

Today, I needed to buy a new crash-helmet. I went to the motorbike shop and saw one I liked the look of. It was a bit of a tight fit, and I got my head stuck in it. I had to get the guy behind the counter to help me pull it off. My ears are still numb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 035

You deserved it 8 964

26/12/2012 08:30

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 465

You deserved it 23 006

15/06/2015 13:39

Today, after 5 years in a row of my family doing absolutely nothing to even acknowledge my birthday, I got train tickets to see my boyfriend for the weekend and celebrate with him. I woke up to 6 angry texts about how I'm 'selfish' for not staying at home with my family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 307

You deserved it 2 394

29/10/2009 05:20

Today, my boyfriend of seven years dumped me because he said my cheeks getting way too fat for his taste and he didn't want to be with a chipmunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 622

You deserved it 7 644

23/11/2018 03:30

Today, my sister put a piece of leather in my homemade beef jerkey to prove a point. I ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 149

You deserved it 1 348

30/05/2009 19:50

Today, I began to choke on a large pill while my mom was in the room. Hoping that she would help me, I began to make a lot of noise. After she completely ignored me, I threw my body over a chair, saving my life. At this point my mother asks me to shut up because she can't hear her friend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 922

You deserved it 4 725

02/06/2018 20:30

Today, I made roast beef with mashed potatoes and green beans for dinner. My 8-year-old daughter was crying and gagging the whole time, and eventually said between sobs, "Can't you just beat me and send me to bed hungry instead?" I have no clue where she got that idea from. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 063

You deserved it 421

17/07/2009 23:09

Spicy

Today, I learned that even when you put a sock on the door because you are having sex with your boyfriend, doesn't mean your mom won't walk in your brand new apartment for a "surprise visit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 264

You deserved it 10 454

Father, you mean father

By Anonymous - 17/11/2020 02:02

Today, I found out wife has two baby daddies for our two kids. I’m neither one’s baby daddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 048

You deserved it 73

How deep is it?

By Anonymous - 22/12/2019 01:00

Today, my husband rolled over in his sleep, cuddled up to me, and lovingly whispered “I love you Pizza Hut...” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 813

You deserved it 255

Baked

By non-baker - 18/03/2015 02:12

Today, I baked a cake for when my mum came home. I did everything I needed to do and put it in the oven, set the timer and went to do some things around the house. When my mum came home, she asked why there was a uncooked cake mix sitting in the oven. I forgot to turn the oven on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 057

You deserved it 8 985

Weird reason to leave, but OK

By Anonymous - 13/07/2021 04:01

Today, I moved out a few weeks ago because I was sick of my husband not helping around the house, and told him he’d never manage without me. I checked today while he was at work. The house is the cleanest I’ve ever seen it; apparently he doesn’t need me and most of the mess was actually mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 279

You deserved it 2 709

Greased Lightning

By Anonymous - 29/05/2019 16:07

Today, I got home from working at KFC and hopped straight into the shower. I could see that the water was being tinged yellow by the grease that had got plastered on me at work and was now coming off, so I started gagging and almost threw up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 717

You deserved it 188

17/04/2011 09:32

Today, a young boy helped me carry my groceries home. He then asked me to sign his sheet to certify that he had done half an hour of service to the elderly. I'm 46. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 668

You deserved it 5 815

19/02/2017 01:00

Today, I was in the shower washing my hair when my hand ran down the shower caddy and in particular, on my razor. If I wasn't woozy from all the blood splatter around the shower - seeing the bone that connects my finger definitely did it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 477

You deserved it 736

16/04/2009 14:38

Today, I discovered that I had left my sunroof open all night during a storm and my front seats was soaked. I grabbed a towel for my seat but didn't close my sunroof because it was nice out. As I pull out of my driveway, I felt something wet hit my forehead. A bird shit on me through my sunroof. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 398

You deserved it 17 407

Boing!

By nurse - 13/09/2019 02:01

Today, I was giving a patient an injection when I heard a cracking sound and the needle was gone. Panicking, I got a doctor to have a look. The patient was sent to have x-rays to find the needle in her thigh. I then noticed the springback system in the syringe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 132

You deserved it 966

11/03/2011 14:33

Today, I was trying out for my school's athletics team. As I reached the finish line for the 100m sprint, there was so much momentum I couldn't stop. I ended up running into a wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 001

You deserved it 7 928

15/12/2018 23:00

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend has to picture someone else when we have sex. The most recent: my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 298

You deserved it 330

07/05/2013 19:07

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 102

You deserved it 4 725

08/12/2013 22:07

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 200

You deserved it 3 407

23/08/2014 12:28

Today, I had an argument with my boss and tried to text a friend about it. I accidentally texted my boss instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 356

You deserved it 25 901

30/01/2012 15:27

Today, I cut my finger with a plastic knife while demonstrating that you can't cut yourself with a plastic knife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 989

You deserved it 47 951

05/10/2009 11:11

Today, I got a red light camera ticket for $100 in the mail. After checking the date and time, I realized it was from when I was rear ended into the intersection while STOPPED at a red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 646

You deserved it 2 351

25/05/2011 20:33

Spicy

Today, I received a friend request on Facebook from my biological father, who I have never met in my life. As I was scrolling through his hobbies and interests, I saw "Drinking," "Black women with big asses," and "Getting laid, lol." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 089

You deserved it 3 958

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:38

Dude. You must vote for all FMLs, and read them. Else you won't get your ninja badges. *rolls eyes*

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:38

Well, you weren't that lazy when you wrote this semi long FML

Comments

cadillacgal79 32

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:36

I don't understand why this made it through. Did people click yes to see what would happen?

christina3466 17

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:37

That's what I thought.

Scarylizard1798 23

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:37

Lol don't worry we all do that, long FML's r too complicated, as well as long comments

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:39

Speak for yourself. The only ones i skip are the ones ive already voted on. Gotta read em all!

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 0:06

#6 FML! Gotta read them all **its true** you know its the greatest thing [email protected]#$ my life and [email protected]#$ yours too FML!!! Gotta read them all, gotta read them aaaaaallll!!! [email protected]#$ My Life! (sung to the pokemon theme song)

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 3:00

Shit #20..now that little tune along with those lyrics are stuck in my head lol.

JOEBOBARNOLD 15

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 3:22

Im proud of myself for recognizing that it was the pokemon theme song

breaking6883 17

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 6:37

Omg that was amazing! XD I realized what you were trying to do right away haha.

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 7:15

#20 will you marry me? That was so beautiful. XD

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 11:06

Omg, #20. That was amazing. I love you so much for that! xD

mottos 13

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 11:11

I agree

almostrabidhobo 1

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Saturday 11 October 2014 2:48

noHjm

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:38

Well, you weren't that lazy when you wrote this semi long FML

MrSassypants 32

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 4:09

Nah, OP paid someone to write it.

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 5:57

#47 I wouldn't be suprised

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 22:13

she actually paid me 2 dollars to write it

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:38

Dude. You must vote for all FMLs, and read them. Else you won't get your ninja badges. *rolls eyes*

mottos 13

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 11:13

Haha

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:40

Ehh, this FML is too long, I think I'll just comment this and read the next FML.

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:40

Sometimes you just need a quicky I suppose

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 9:13

its true lol

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:41

Oh common, we all did it (at least once on the random mode) !

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:41

Well, at least you wrote a 'small', one-sentence one

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:48

To lazy to read but not to lazy to write. I'm willing to guess that it took way more effort to think, write, and send this then it would be to read an fml ...

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Tuesday 7 October 2014 3:11

Gettin an FML posted, totally worth it.

rekkas 16

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Monday 6 October 2014 23:49

But those are the best!