Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up lying on the ground outside with a horrible... - FML

By B-Man - 11/12/2009 21:55 - Canada

Today, I woke up lying on the ground outside with a horrible headache. I camped out in my tree house last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 606

You deserved it 10 009

The smell detective is on the case

Vulture

Walk on the wild side

By beablue18 - 04/07/2011 00:27 - Germany

Today, my sister confessed to me that she sold some of my old shirts to the girl who's stalking me. This explains why I got a note that read, "I have your scent, now I can track you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 685

You deserved it 2 978

By Mikey - 26/04/2009 04:11 - United States

Today, I was hanging out at my school with some friends when my mom came to pick me up. A girl I knew wanted a hug before I left. I turned around to hug her and a clip on my backpack got stuck on her tank top. I tuned away the clip pulled the shirt ripping it and exposing her naked chest. FML

I agree, your life sucks 70 403

You deserved it 8 688

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:46 - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 276

You deserved it 5 218

By fatlady - 07/03/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to the park. I bet my friend I could fit into the swing that was sized for toddlers. I managed to fit in, but I couldn't get out. My friend had to call 911 to get me out. When they finally did, the fireman told me that fat ladies shouldn't try stuff like that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 962

You deserved it 39 239

By Rob - 18/12/2013 17:47 - United States - Franklin

Spicy

Today, while looking for some socks in my mom's dresser, I found a male g-string and an edible bra. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 289

You deserved it 16 890

By grandma - 08/02/2014 15:12 - United States - Barnesville

Today, I check my phone regularly for calls or texts from her. I take her out to eat frequently, and we sleep in the same bed sometimes. Today I realized the closest thing I have to a boyfriend is my grandma. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 711

You deserved it 7 189

By masterzach21 - 22/01/2010 06:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I took a picture of my "privates" on my girlfriends cell phone and set it as her background without her knowing. Minutes later, I heard her mom scream. She has the same phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 989

You deserved it 41 174

By bri_sci94 - 26/09/2014 06:56 - United States - Madison

Today, I went on a blind date that my friend set up. He greeted me with a winning smile, a belch, and the words, "Nice tits." I'm beginning to lose hope. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 108

You deserved it 3 679

By nipman - 25/04/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, my grandpa who is staying with us mistook me for a Japanese soldier and started to hit me with a bat. This is the second night in a row. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 120

You deserved it 3 841

By Anonymous - 05/08/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was eating dinner with my family. My parents didn't want me to hear what they were talking about so they decided they would spell out the words so I wouldn't understand. I didn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 399

You deserved it 58 657

By BOOMerang - 24/09/2009 21:39 - United States

Today, I played with a boomerang my first time. I didn't believe that when you threw it, it comes right back to you. It flew back all right. And broke my nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 399

You deserved it 45 358

Cemetery Gates

By KateHGW - 09/06/2021 00:01

Today, I handed in an internship assignment that I have been working on for months. Once submitted, a pop-up showed, stating the assignment was 100% plagiarized. What was it plagiarized from? A student paper. My own, to be more specific - the exact same paper I had uploaded seconds before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 103

You deserved it 58

By BFfail - 15/08/2012 01:14 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's extended family for the first time. Her family kept telling her how much I looked and acted like her older brother and I'm guessing by the end of the day she agreed because now she pulls away and gags when I try to kiss her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 878

You deserved it 2 733

By anda1000douchesscourthispostformistakes - 16/09/2015 13:42 - United States - Meriden

Today, I made it onto my boss's shit-list, after pointing out that he'd misspelled "customer" as "costumer" 6 times in his report, and "college education" as "collage education" twice. It'd be a dick move on his part even if making corrections like this weren't part of my damn job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 934

You deserved it 1 691

By 12yearsoldapparently - 06/07/2015 23:02 - United States - Charleston

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 271

You deserved it 6 048

Slicy slicy

By ChloeLuvzAnime - 30/03/2021 17:01

Spicy

Today, I got the courage to surprise my boyfriend by shaving my pubic region. To my agonizingly painful dismay, the razor sliced through an apparent zit on one of my lips. Now my vagina is bleeding for a whole different reason, and I'm possibly traumatized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 949

You deserved it 218

Serial killer

By bananapie69 - 29/05/2020 23:00

Today, during my staff Google Meet conference, I forgot to mute my mic when I joined and I was still listening to a true crime podcast. I started to notice people's confused looks and realized they were all hearing the details of the bodies found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 983

You deserved it 957

By freakfreak12345 - 19/07/2011 16:41 - United States

Today, I learned that when you piss on a hornets' nest from a window, the hornets will go after the source of the stream. It can also cause you to fall through your friend's second story window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 624

You deserved it 74 647

By Shauna - 08/11/2012 11:09 - United States

Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 147

You deserved it 2 561

By kingmetal42 - 09/02/2010 19:10 - France

Today, I texted my girlfriend that I'm going to 'lick my professor's ass' instead of 'kick' due to auto-correction on my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 955

You deserved it 27 806

By not even getting any of her shrimp - 11/02/2014 21:50 - United States - Draper

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a vegetarian-friendly restaurant. She ordered shrimp fettuccine, and I asked why. She slowly explained to me that vegetarians can eat shrimp, then muttered that she now knows who has the brains in our relationship. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 574

You deserved it 6 494

By Sam - 04/05/2014 06:12 - United States - Eureka

Today, my art teacher showed off a painting of his name he got in Japan. I can read Japanese, and it actually says "Old idiot". I really don't want to break it to him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 601

You deserved it 5 201

By pontwa - 23/08/2015 13:45 - Australia

Today, after nearly 2 years, my now ex-girlfriend decided she was ready to have sex. Specifically, sex with my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 120

You deserved it 1 891

By Anonymous - 16/06/2013 18:49 - France - Le Rove

Today, I woke up to my bratty younger sister cutting through my hair with a pair of scissors. I now look like a freak, and my mum bitched me out for being angry, all because my sister claimed she'd been sleep-walking. Her demented smirk said otherwise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 245

You deserved it 3 146

By noooooo - 21/02/2016 16:03 - United States - Bainbridge

Today, I'm locked in a bedroom with two dogs to keep them from barking at the guy fixing our water heater. One of them is stress-farting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 926

You deserved it 2 194

By skiergal98 - 18/08/2019 02:00

Today, I found out why I haven't been getting my bank statements for the past couple of months. My parents have been hiding them from me, because they've been stealing from it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 108

You deserved it 131

By killme - 13/12/2018 14:00

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me saying I don’t make her happy, I don’t make her laugh, that she feels she is settling for me and that she is not being pleased sexually. Even though she has always said I did all of that and that we could work through anything. I was going to propose... FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 021

You deserved it 331

By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 18:30 - United States - Bakersfield

Today, while at the store with my mom and baby brother, a guy started to talk to me. Just as he went to give me his number, my mom handed me my brother and said, "Here's your son, your AA meeting's in an hour, let's go." FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 376

You deserved it 5 324

By Christopher - 13/12/2010 09:16 - Canada

Today, the elevator got stuck in between floor 4 and 5 at my doctors office. I had been having violent diarrhea. It was the reason I was at the doctor. Elevator was stuck for 35 minutes. During that time, I diarrhea'd in my pants twice. There were seven other people in the elevator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 573

You deserved it 6 169

Get that pup out of there!

By Anonymous - 19/06/2021 08:01

Today, my girlfriend is so stubborn, she refuses to admit she hates the dog she insisted she had to have 6 months ago. I also hate dogs, so I told her everything dog-related was her problem, especially the pee/poop. Everyone knows she hates the dog but she still refuses to rehome it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 720

You deserved it 308

By Anonymous - 25/05/2019 12:08

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 648

You deserved it 126

By noeducation - 27/08/2009 09:16 - Canada

Today, I found out why my parents have been trying to convince me not to go to college this year. I also found out where the $20,000 they just spent on landscaping came from. My college fund. Which is now $0. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 286

You deserved it 3 012

By ClothesHorse - 12/10/2012 19:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I was kicked out of a job interview at a clothing store for "not dressing appropriately" for the occasion. I'd purchased my outfit from the same store just two days prior with my last $100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 615

You deserved it 5 425

By Shelbs - 05/11/2011 23:35 - United States

Today, I went to get the vaccination my college requires of all students. The nurse looked at my charts and told me there was good and bad news. The good news was that I didn't need the shot. The bad news was I needed four others. Now, both of my arms are swollen enough to make Popeye proud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 330

You deserved it 3 786

By sprainedankle - 17/05/2013 20:49 - Saudi Arabia - Riyadh

Today, I got a mosquito bite inside my cast. I slipped a ruler into it and started scratching to relieve the itch. Part of the ruler ended up snapping off inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 567

You deserved it 15 699

By Anonymous - 29/11/2009 16:57 - United States

Today, my ceiling fan was rocking violently so I turned it off. I stood under it trying to figure out what the problem is, it fell on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 494

You deserved it 13 103

By Grossed out - 08/08/2018 15:00

Today, after giving a homeless guy some change, he offered to give me his bottle of cooking wine if I'd let him suck my toes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 164

You deserved it 199

By myhairgetsfrizzywhenwet - 03/06/2011 08:55 - Australia

Today, my sister drove past me while i was walking home in the rain, she honked to let me know she was there, and kept on driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 675

You deserved it 3 503

By Blue - 19/11/2008 11:02 - France

Today, I bought myself an MP3 player. Later, I was laying in bed, listening to music and eating a bowl of cereal, when I went to move the bowl of cereal on the bedside table for some shut eye. I dropped my MP3 player into the leftover milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 336

You deserved it 29 760

Just ignore it!

By nothing like tasty asshole - 26/11/2019 01:00 - United States - Shelbyville

Today, trying to be nice, I sent a text to my mother-in-law saying that I couldn't wait to have her delicious casserole tonight. Only after sending, I realized that "casserole" had auto corrected to "asshole". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 776

You deserved it 563

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:42

That's actually kind of hysterical. Now that I've stopped laughing some, I suggest you sleep on ground level from now on, and consider yourself lucky that all you got out of the deal was a headache.

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Saturday 12 December 2009 3:12

OUCH! Be grateful you woke up at all! FYL

Comments

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:41

LOL 1st

Secret_Fire_King 0

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Tuesday 19 January 2010 9:41

Those dreams of falling... were not dreams...

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Wednesday 11 August 2010 18:10

WTF ??? are u seriously telling me u fell from about 10 feet high and u didn't wake up at the time ???

DrFuzzyPickles 9

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Saturday 22 September 2012 4:43

Naturally, if the human body senses danger (such as falling from a height) the inhabitant of the body should immediately be woken.

nnnntr 17

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Thursday 24 July 2014 2:07

But if you get knocked out you won't remember falling

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:42

That's actually kind of hysterical. Now that I've stopped laughing some, I suggest you sleep on ground level from now on, and consider yourself lucky that all you got out of the deal was a headache.

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:48

That seems like a probably consequence to your actions.

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Tuesday 6 December 2011 15:42

Zzz-OH SHIT!-Zzz

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:50

lol, ouch

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:51

hahahahahahhahahahahahahaha

cerebellum_fml 0

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:56

The tree was pissed off at you for building a fort on it. You live in ontario? damn you must have froze.

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Saturday 12 December 2009 2:07

You would've froze, I call this one a fake.

originalusername_fml 0

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Saturday 12 December 2009 2:14

uh maybe he had a SLEEPING BAG? i go camping a lot, during all the seasons. all i sleep in is a flimsy tent and a sleeping bag, and my clothing. i've camped in places where night temperature was around -30 degrees. it is definitely possible.

whthapendlstnght 0

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Saturday 12 December 2009 4:35

its not that cold in ontario

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Tuesday 20 April 2010 1:46

Depends on what time of year......

originalusername_fml 0

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Saturday 12 December 2009 1:59

that is AWESOME. well, the part about camping out in your tree house. maybe you should uh, put a door or something?

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Saturday 12 December 2009 2:10

...or sleep inside...in a bed, like normal people. ..what are you, 9?

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Saturday 12 December 2009 6:09

maybe he is?

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Thursday 23 February 2012 4:32

Im thinking like, 5?

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Saturday 12 December 2009 2:22

the weather all around ontario lately has been completely horrible, I find it hard to believe you would even consider sleeping in a treehouse

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Saturday 12 December 2009 3:12

OUCH! Be grateful you woke up at all! FYL

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 15

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 76

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 57

Today, I’ve been single and lonely for so long, I looked up if it’s possible to marry your hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 408

You deserved it 254