Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down,...

By Anonymous - 20/7/2016 06:40 - United States - Seattle

Today, I dropped my knitting project while I was sitting down, but I managed to catch it between my legs. So my knitting needles also caught me. FML

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Health

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Body issues

Fear factor

By sarahmoon - 5/5/2018 01:30

Today, my date refused to pay for my dinner, even though he promised to beforehand. It turns out, he assumed I would just be ordering a salad for dinner, "based on your slim figure". FML

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By summerbabe77 - 22/7/2012 03:58 - United States - Medford

Today, my dog somehow managed to swallow a ring that my mother had bought me. Now I must carefully poke and search through each pile of dog crap I find in my yard for the next week. FML

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By Christinemh329 - 17/2/2012 06:22 - United States

Today, I had to have a word with my boss about how him coming into work drunk is probably not a very good idea. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 07:09 - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

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By Well okay then - 9/10/2016 17:12 - United States - Palmdale

Today, after letting the painters working on my house know that they're more than welcome to use my restroom, I walked outside only to find three of them pissing in my garden. One even aimed for my tomatoes. FML

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By cbarebo - 11/10/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, I went in my room to play my guitar. I found my Les Paul on the floor with all the strings missing. I later found out my grandma cut them off because I was playing "Devil's Music." FML

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By getmoneyab - 30/5/2009 06:42 - Mexico

Today, I went to Cheese Cake Factory for dinner. There was this hot waiter who kept passing by. He saw me looking at him and I knew I had to say something. So when he approached my table I asked, "Excuse me, do you have any salt?" and he said, "I think it's right there on the table." FML

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By mouseart - 3/11/2016 14:51

Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML

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By FuckThis - 31/8/2015 13:16 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, I thought the girl I was seeing was going to tell me that she loved me. Instead, she told me how she sucked some other guy's dick. FML

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By rholt - 14/1/2014 06:48 - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

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By GamingWolfy5 - 27/6/2019 06:36

Today, I got angry at my computer, and instead of bashing my keyboard with my fists, I bashed my face on the keyboard. It REALLY hurt. FML

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By Enko - 9/11/2008 07:43 - France

Today, my mum was watching a program about sexually transmitted diseases. Later on she starts telling me that I should be careful and use the right protection when having sex. Suddenly she stops and says « Actually I don’t know why I’m telling you this, after all you don’t have a boyfriend! » and walks away. FML

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By Mike - 17/12/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

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By fuckyoudeadgunnuts - 4/9/2015 14:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my Canadian friend at the airport. As we were heading into the city, I told him not to worry about all the US stereotypes and that gun crime in my city is rare. A few hours later, we witnessed a guy get shot in the street in broad daylight. Now he's too scared to leave the house. FML

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By vansboy - 15/11/2010 04:26

Today, my family had a secret meeting on my "puberty issues." I'm 21. FML

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By nabru - 6/7/2018 15:00

Today, I automated a task at work and a day-long procedure ran in a few hours. My boss was completely unimpressed because "I'm not paid to automate stuff, I'm paid to work". FML

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By IDontGetPaidEnoughForThisShit - 1/4/2015 02:15 - Australia - Hawthorn

Today, on my day off, I received a call from my boss asking why I wasn't at work yet. After getting dressed and an hour-long train ride later, I got there only to find out that it was an April Fool's prank. I had to take the train back home. FML

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By spitball101 - 12/1/2014 05:26 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years finally proposed to me at the park we first met in. As I was about to say yes, a huge fly flew straight into my mouth. I ruined the moment by choking on it and eventually spitting it out on him. I think he's rethinking the proposal. FML

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By pimpdaddyX - 22/9/2012 16:22 - Malaysia - Shah Alam

Today, trying to be smooth, I slipped the girl I like a piece of paper with my phone number written on it. A while later, she slipped it back to me and left the room. FML

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By Snowflakepandi - 1/9/2017 13:00

Sneaky sneaky...

Today, while on vacation, I found out that my boyfriend moved out. He had claimed that he couldn't come with me because his boss messed up his time off request, and for the last two days he said he'd been "cleaning". FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2009 02:23 - United States

Today, I was at work lifeguarding and saw a kid drowning on the far end of the pool. I decided running would be the quickest way to get to her, but as I ran across the pool deck I slipped and hit my head. The kid's mother jumped in to save her child and then called an ambulance for me. FML

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By hairy - 25/2/2009 19:15 - United States

Today, I told my boss I was bored of being a cashier and would rather go to food prep. He told me I couldn't because my arms were too hairy. I'm a sixteen year old girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/3/2010 19:31 - United States

Today, while at work, a man came in wearing a very elaborate cowboy ensemble and went to talk to one of my coworkers. Once he left, I asked her how she knew a gay cowboy. She then explained that he's actually a farmer and her husband of ten years. FML

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By fineididntwantkidsanyway - 2/12/2012 23:39 - Australia - Adelaide

Today, my girlfriend got into the Christmas cheer while giving me a hand job, smashing my nuts with her palm in time to her humming of Jingle Bells. FML

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By that was mine - 15/5/2015 22:26 - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, my mom cleaned out my bank account, saying my "no-good dad" owes her child support and that she'll get it one way or another. FML

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By notinflammable - 27/6/2009 04:41 - United States

Today, my friend told me that semen was inflammable. Later at night I jacked off into a sock and then, excitedly, tried to lit the sock on fire. Turns out, semen is very much not inflammable. Naked, I shook my sock in the air so it would extinguish while my semen splashed out all over my room. FML

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By 3-wheeler - 9/3/2010 11:12 - United Kingdom

Today, I left my car in a disreputable area. After picking it up later on, I heard a strange "clonking" sound. The clonking suddenly stopped when my wheel fell off; someone had stolen my wheel nuts. FML

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By anonymous - 22/4/2011 10:50

Today, I was on the train to work. I was up late the night before, causing me to doze off. When I woke up, I was at my station. I stood up, went to walk out of the door and fell flat on my face on a platform full of people. Someone had tied my shoelaces together. FML

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By whattabrat - 26/2/2012 05:16 - Canada

Today, I was babysitting. Everything was going well until the kid called 911 on me for making him eat his vegetables. FML

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By Cowan - 6/8/2009 12:27 - Belgium

Today, I had to come back home early from my holidays. Why? I had asked my grandmother to water my plants, some of which are illegal. Instead of doing it herself, she asked her neighbor... who is a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 18:00

Grab the balls by the horn, dude

Today, the only girl I've ever had eyes for said she can't find any good single men, all while sitting next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2012 16:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, after months of job searching, I finally got a call about one of my applications. I wasn't able to answer it, but he left a voicemail. I've listened to it over and over, and I can't understand the contact information. He called from a restricted number. FML

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By I wish it was gum - 23/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I was visiting family in Oregon. I did not know it was illegal to pump your own gas; the cops were involved. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2009 19:56 - Canada

Today, I was at the park with a friend when I said "Gotta go, sorry. I've got court in an hour." The lady on the bench next to us then loudly complained how disgusting I was for being a criminal and threw her bird seed at me, dirtying my suit. I'm a lawyer with a case in an hour, not a criminal. FML

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By iworkatofficedepothomes - 15/5/2014 12:02 - United States - Laguna Hills

Today, a customer came into our store and asked if we sold "child sized coffins". This isn't even the weirdest question I've been asked. FML

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By Proof-Reader - 15/12/2009 08:32 - United States

Today, I texted a somewhat overweight girl I wanted to hook up with and asked her "Have you been dating anyone lately?" Unfortunately with predictive text, "dating" came out as "eating". I didn't realize it till after it sent. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/7/2015 22:31 - United States

Today, while swimming in my neighborhood pool, I noticed what looked like several cigarettes resting at the bottom and decided to investigate. Turns out it was actually just a used, bloody tampon that had spent enough time underwater to be broken into multiple pieces, and spread across the pool. FML

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By bewitched and bothered - 2/2/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend went into great detail over the Tiffany's jewelry he painstakingly selected for his previous girlfriends on their birthday. I got hand towels. In powder blue. From Target. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2012 05:04 - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally proposed. His reason? A Las Vegas wedding came up on Groupon. FML

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Top comments

By julianbozikovic | 20

#6654089 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 18:48

At least you can stitch yourself up!

By captain_hero89 | 21

#6654116 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:10

Ouch! I hope your project was already red

Comments

By julianbozikovic | 20

#6654089 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 18:48

At least you can stitch yourself up!

By mjd02 | 15

#6654093 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 18:49

Hopefully the grade is worth getting hurt.

Lalala579121 | 27

#6654404 - Thursday 21 July 2016 4:31

Project as in something you devote time to work on, not school project.

mjd02 | 15

#6654440 - Thursday 21 July 2016 6:17

Oh I read it wrong

By dontknow1 | 19

#6654105 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:02

Say FUCK out loud, patch it up and finish your project.

By _EnderDoge | 22

#6654109 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:04

Ouch.

By captain_hero89 | 21

#6654116 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:10

Ouch! I hope your project was already red

By captain_hero89 | 21

#6654123 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:12

I hope your project was already red

By Tripartita | 44

#6654132 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:19

I know this won't help the pain go away, but Yakov Smirnoff would be pleased.

Thegoofygoober | 15

#6654292 - Thursday 21 July 2016 0:21

damn some people didn't like that reference

LikesRedLollis | 19

#6654337 - Thursday 21 July 2016 1:33

This is the first time I've seen you get disliked!

By pleasedie | 22

#6654157 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 19:49

On the bright side you now have a free piercing

By limegreenpoopie | 31

#6654201 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 20:48

Ouch!

By A1NoSauce | 17

#6654234 - Wednesday 20 July 2016 21:52

Nothing better than unscheduled acupuncture.