Health: Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big... - FML

By momac86 - 19/01/2015 06:34 - United States

Today, I lost a sewing needle in the carpet. No worries, my big toe found it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 112

You deserved it 4 196

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Unionize

Slow day

By blehhh - 04/04/2009 03:10 - United States

Today, I went to see my gynecologist. She was writing my symptoms up in my chart on her computer. After a little while, I noticed that she had a confused look on her face and was reading something instead. When I took a peek at the computer screen, I saw that she was Googling my symptoms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 98 026

You deserved it 4 554

By Grrr - 20/07/2012 07:58 - United States - Salem

Today, I was walking in my apartment when I felt something stab my foot. Thinking it was a piece of glass, I looked down. It was one of my roommate's toenail clippings. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 253

You deserved it 2 063

By need_cash_now - 28/04/2013 04:29 - United States

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 190

You deserved it 4 430

By Anonymous - 02/10/2018 17:30

Today, I was stopped in traffic when a woman rear-ended me, backed up, and sped off along the shoulder, taking my passenger side mirror with her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 932

You deserved it 131

By nocanhaz - 16/08/2010 05:17 - United States

Today, I went to a job interview. The person giving me my interview was late, and while waiting for them I fell asleep. When they arrived, they didn't even bother interviewing me because they thought I was irresponsible since I fell asleep because they were late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 591

You deserved it 49 694

By Anonymous - 16/04/2016 07:16 - United States - Roscoe

Today, my 3 year-old woke up with diarrhea. The stench caused him to throw up. My husband started sympathy puking all over the floor. I'm so exhausted already that I'm considering just burning the damn house down to avoid cleaning it all up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 707

You deserved it 1 650

By CoalRose - 11/09/2016 20:33 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, my nose ring became a fish hook. What did I catch? My dog's harness. She nearly ripped it out of my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 250

You deserved it 5 215

Countdown

By unsatisfying - 28/10/2010 05:05 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my wife checked the time while we were having sex. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 402

You deserved it 15 505

Cash me?

By Anonymous - 02/09/2019 11:00 - Canada - Lakeville

Today, working in a liquor store, I had to tell a girl I couldn't sell her alcohol since she was severely intoxicated. She told me to "cash me ousside, how bow dat?" then smashed a bottle of wine and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 750

You deserved it 109

By newdriver - 11/05/2009 00:55 - United States

Today, my mom told me to follow her car closely to my aunt's house. I kept really close to her which caused me to get pulled over for tailgating. I explained everything to the cop so he went over to my mom to see if that was the truth. My mom said she didn't know me. I got a ticket. Thanks mom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 369

You deserved it 5 596

By Anonymous - 22/04/2016 19:41 - United States - Las Vegas

Spicy

Today, I caught my 7 year old sister poking a dead bird with a stick, causing maggots to start coming out of the bird's sad little body. I was horrified and threw up. She won't stop mocking me for being a "sissy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 218

You deserved it 3 943

By Cold&Soaked - 03/02/2018 05:00

Today, I set my alarm and got up early to view the Super Blue Blood Moon. I was all wrapped up in a blanket and had a perfect view from my backyard. It’s been a truly amazing experience, made even more exciting by the sprinklers turning on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 764

You deserved it 801

Smell good

By Anonymous - 02/12/2019 19:00 - Australia

Today, I was doing the laundry and changing the bed sheets. I found most of my underwear under my step daughters bed, when I asked her, she said that she liked the way they smelled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 569

You deserved it 182

Heavy

By Anonymous - 21/09/2019 04:04 - United States

Today, a 100-foot maple tree fell on my house. I was inside. I was sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 677

You deserved it 85

I love that for you

By NeedHeadPhone - 30/11/2009 16:51 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I overhead my mother's request to be spanked harder by my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 847

You deserved it 2 962

By Anonymous - 30/05/2012 05:46 - United States - San Diego

Spicy

Today, after a surprise candlelit dinner and a two bottles of wine for my birthday, my boyfriend and I decided to take a sexy shower together. It ended with us both drunk, naked, and crying, wedged into a small tub together, talking about our dead pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 921

You deserved it 8 420

By Anonymous - 20/09/2017 04:30

Today, while playing ping pong, my brother got mad that he lost and threw the paddle at my head, causing me to fall backwards into the TV mounted on the wall. Now I have a concussion and have to pay to replace the TV. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 325

You deserved it 203

By notpreggers - 08/02/2009 00:54 - United States

Today, the creepy skin care guy at the mall with the heavy accent asked me if I was pregnant. When I said no he replied "Oh, too many donuts then?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 668

You deserved it 7 881

By Anonymous - 11/01/2013 19:47 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, one of my paintings was accepted into a local art gallery. It would've been a dream come true, had my "best friend" not submitted it under her own name and taken all the credit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 271

You deserved it 3 015

By SqueakingRetard - 17/01/2014 23:28 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I was walking home from work, when I slipped and fell on a patch of ice. I clambered back to my feet, made it three feet, then slipped and fell again. A guy who'd witnessed the whole thing stuck his head out of his car window and yelled "Dumbasssssss!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 193

You deserved it 6 179

Get the hell out of Dodge

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 20:02

Today, I realized I'm happier and life is better when my husband isn't around. He isn't abusive, just lazy and uninvolved. We have young kids and I don't know how to leave him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 224

You deserved it 226

By SkiMaskFukd - 07/05/2010 13:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 130

You deserved it 5 788

Sneaking around

By Katlego Maduma - 23/03/2021 22:59

Spicy

Today, I found out that my husband has been cheating on me with his girl bestie for 4 years. I also found out he's been having threesomes with his male bestie. Both people have been around me and my family this entire time. We've been married for 15 years. Joke's on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 010

You deserved it 125

By bells - 30/12/2009 06:08 - United States

Today, at the office, after a heavy night of drinking, I had to hear my boss walk around with bells attached to her shoes. She circled the office a total of 34 times today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 996

You deserved it 28 509

By Anonymous - 07/05/2013 20:17 - United States - Canton

Today, I turned 35. Because I'm still single, my sister bought me a cat to help start my "inevitable collection." FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 013

You deserved it 6 407

By Anonymous - 03/05/2019 02:00

Today, I went to the hairdresser on a spur of the moment decision to get a quick wash and cut. 45 painful minutes and $180 later, I honestly don't know if anything was actually done to my hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 535

You deserved it 463

By Biological - 11/02/2010 12:22 - United States

Today, I found out that I was not adopted and in fact my parents are my biological parents. How did I find out? Over dinner. How long have I been believing I was adopted? 22 years. Why did I start believing I was adopted? My siblings thought it would be a funny joke. My mom played along. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 650

You deserved it 3 468

Tunnel vision

By IHaveThePower - 26/10/2021 23:00 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, after years of being an avid knitter and typing for a living, I got carpal tunnel syndrome… from my wrists flopping around too much while I'm driving. I live half an hour away from the nearest city. FML

I agree, your life sucks 162

You deserved it 23

By Soaked - 31/07/2009 17:21 - United States

Today, there was a 10-minute cloudburst. It started 30 seconds after I parked my car and ended 30 seconds after I arrived at the office. Now the sun is shining, the sky is blue, and I look like I took a shower fully clothed. Oh, and I'm wearing thin white pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 146

You deserved it 7 984

By awkwardencounters - 12/11/2013 11:18 - United States - Belleville

Today, at the gym, I realized the guy who has been staring at me for the past 3 days is the same guy I promised to text back 5 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 206

You deserved it 49 219

By turning red - 27/07/2013 01:14 - United States

Today, my phone went off, reminding me to take my birth control. Instead of vibrating as per usual, it rang. The ringtone had been changed to my boyfriend singing "It's birth control time, birth control time, take your pill, or I'll say it ain't mine." I was sitting in a quiet waiting room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 327

You deserved it 10 251

Student life

By gofixmyhead - 30/08/2011 14:53 - United Kingdom

Today, in the flat I share with four students, I broke our toaster. The night before, they'd successfully managed to toast chicken soup-covered crumpets in it whilst drunk. I tried to toast a teacake, and the whole thing exploded in flames and smoke. Our toaster got taken out by a raisin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 3 978

Was it me?

By PhantomShitter - 29/11/2019 20:00 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 730

You deserved it 2 256

By belladonna - 26/02/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 193

You deserved it 79 139

By Chlo - 11/08/2019 22:00

Today, I went on a first date. We had the same phone, and we'd put them down next to each other on the table. I get a message and we both look. It’s my period tracker telling me to be careful, because the flood gates are opening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 621

You deserved it 373

By bob - 11/08/2011 12:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, no matter how much I begged, my friend who'd locked himself away with my iPhone wouldn't stop taking pics of his penis and forwarding them to my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 854

You deserved it 5 450

Lava lamp

By Kathleen Verhaegen - 30/04/2020 20:00

Today, I'm so pale, my boss asked me whether I light up in the dark. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 332

You deserved it 278

By Elle - 23/02/2011 21:07 - United States

Today, my therapist told me to write down my secrets in an envelope and symbolically burn them. My secrets included stories of my rampant sex life, drug use, a suicide attempt, and the overpowering hatred I have for my family. I've managed to misplace the envelope somewhere back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 436

You deserved it 22 327

By natalieeee - 18/03/2009 03:40 - United States

Today, I was talking to this really nice guy who likes me, and he tells me he's packing. I asked him where he was going, he said Puerto Rico. And I said "LUCKY!" He replied "it's for the funeral". I forgot his grandma had died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 856

You deserved it 61 941

By sadinthesack - 31/08/2009 18:56 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was making love to my girlfriend and was pretty impressed with myself for lasting through multiple songs. Then I realized her ipod was playing a medley. I only lasted 3 1/2 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 783

You deserved it 10 848

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:20

Your day just took a sharp turn for the worst

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:18

Sew it goes.

Comments

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:18

Sew it goes.

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:36

That needle sounds like a prick.

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Monday 19 January 2015 17:06

It seams that these puns have left me in stitches, I'm not even knitting.

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Monday 19 January 2015 18:45

Well I sure hope OP gets the point.

False_Stupidity 41

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Monday 19 January 2015 21:58

Sew what.

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:20

Your day just took a sharp turn for the worst

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:21

ouch!

kingcaper817 14

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:21

Happened to me once. It really sucks hope u feel better op

randomname98 22

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Monday 19 January 2015 18:02

My mom had a sewing needle go through her foot. It went in a spot that she didn't notice for about a month, until I almost performed minor surgery and pulled it out. She ended up needing surgery to get it out.

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Monday 19 January 2015 19:54

I'm pretty sure you would feel a sewing needle stabbing your foot every time you took a step

Killswitchknot 20

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Tuesday 20 January 2015 3:10

And i thought stubbing your toe hurt...i can't imagine how op felt.

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:21

you know what they say; you reap what you 'sew.'

strugglingatlife 14

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:22

Oh god! Im so sorry to hear that!! :(

yeti37 16

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:26

Could've been worse: a Lego.

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:47

Lego block+needle= ???

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Monday 19 January 2015 17:32

@14 The worst pain in the world.

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Friday 3 April 2015 11:27

Don't even joke about that!

Exodiafinder687 58

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:31

At least you didn't lose your big toe in the carpet and find it with a sewing needle. *shrugs*

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:34

Ouch! My mom did that once with a rusty needle, she had to get a Tinnitus shot.

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:45

Tetanus....tinnitus is ringing in the ears...

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Tuesday 20 January 2015 1:36

Ah! You're right, my mistake.

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Monday 19 January 2015 16:35

Happened to me too, it hurts.. A lot

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21

You deserved it 16

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 115

You deserved it 28

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 919

You deserved it 70