Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all...

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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Health

Rock, hard place

The road to hell…

Bustin' my ass

By ImilkedYourMom - United States - Bronx

Today, after a 14-mile bike tour in Chicago, I got rug burn on my inner thighs. Having the hostel room all by myself for the last couple of days, I got naked and let the air conditioner cool me off. I then had to explain to my roommate that walked in on me that I seriously was not jerking off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

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By Franco - United States

Today, I was sent to an elementary school for safety day. One of the dads was asking about my job, when I told him about the long hours and high stress involved. He turned to his son and said "Now see why you stay in school?" I'm a paramedic. With a bachelor's degree. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend and my six-month anniversary. I've really fallen in love with him, and I know he loves me the same. So I got him a really nice gift, a watch he's had his eye on for as long as I've known him. It was expensive. What does he get me? A condom. Three actually. FML

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By margelover - Denmark

Today, I woke up after having a wet dream about Marge Simpson. I really need to get laid. FML

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By Dana - United States

Today, it was very windy and snowy and the neighborhoods garbage cans were blowing everywhere. I had already brought mine in and I saw my neighbor's being blown away. Thinking I'd be nice, I went out to pick it up. Just before I could however, the wind smashed it into me and I fell on the ice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brockton

Today, I got a flat tire. The spare was also flat, so I had no other choice but to walk home. I got to my house and realized I'd left the front door key and garage clicker in my car 5 miles away. FML

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By Anonymous

"At least you've got a job" - Mr. Missingthepoint

Today, I drove an hour to work, did nothing for 8 hours, drove an hour back, and then studied for 4 hours. This has been happening for weeks. FML

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By BlazefireSaber - United States - Norfolk

Today, I'm sitting in the ER with a broken finger, all because I beat my little brother in a Wii game. He ran over and twisted my finger, saying, "Now how are you going to beat me, cunt?" FML

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

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By TotallyFkd - United States

Today, I moved back home because I got laid off and could no longer afford my apartment. I decided to take a nap and when I woke up I overheard my Mom telling my Aunt that she used to be so proud of me and wonders when I became such a loser. Burn. FML

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By longdrive - United States - San Francisco

Today, I left for a fifteen-hour drive with two guys who won't stop talking in a Yoda voice. Sick of this nonsense, I am. FML

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By Boo - United Kingdom

Today, my new neighbor informed me with great relish that the house I have just bought is haunted because 30 years ago a man shot himself in the kitchen. I'm now paying a huge mortgage on a house I'm frightened to be alone in. FML

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By MATTY2512 - Canada - Marshall

Today, I went into the house, only to hear my mother shouting "DON'T PINCH MY NIPPLE" at the top of her lungs in the shower. FML

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By So I can go now then?

Today, I got fired from a job I had already resigned from after agreeing to stay on and help them out for an extra month, despite having no contract. They fired me because a colleague refused to work with me anymore because I wouldn't date him. FML

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By Accident-prone af - 7/7/2020 20:02

Kitchen nightmares

Today, while making milkshakes, I was pouring and the blender's blades all fell out somehow. I don't know what's worse, that I sliced my finger open when the blades fell out and now there's blood all over, that there's now melted ice cream all over my counter and floor, or that I just wasted an entire tub of ice cream. FML

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By Maestro - France

Today, my girlfriend told me that I was irrationally jealous. I’ve just learnt that she has a website where she masturbates in front of a webcam. FML

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By Anonymous

Freak out!

Today, I woke up with a high fever. My two year-old decided today was the day she would have one of the largest tantrums she’s ever had and threw yogurt all over the newly-refinished floor, my fiancé, myself and our cat Sebastian. Sebastian was not impressed. FML

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By injuredwifelady - United States - Omaha

Today, I was sleeping peacefully with my cat sweetly snuggling my legs under the covers. My husband dutch-ovened her, and she shredded my calves as she rushed to escape. FML

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By Michael tee - United States

Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML

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By Lennie Mcfish

We are legion

Today, I'm so lonely that I created multiple fake accounts on different social media platforms, just so I can have people to talk to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Winter Springs

Today, I finally realized that when my seemingly very judgmental fiancé makes negative comments about other women, it's actually just an excuse to keep ogling them. FML

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By Eyebrowsgone - United States

Today, I decided to wax my own eyebrows with a Do It Yourself kit from the pharmacy. I'm now missing half of my right eyebrow. FML

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By Lesbihonest - Australia - Gymea

Today, my co-worker told me how "lucky" I am that I "chose" to be a lesbian, because I don't have to deal with "guy drama". I spent two years of my adolescence sleeping at a bus stop and begging strangers for money after I got kicked out of home. FML

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By jeoak - India

Today, I was moving into my new apartment. The previous owner had refused to move out until today, and when I got there, I realized I didn't have a key. I was about to call him when I found out I didn't need to; he took the door. FML

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By Fatty1970 - United States

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

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By haaaye - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pomona

Today, at the ripe old age of 23, I now no longer have no control over my farts when I cough. My many young students find this hilarious. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

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By wetsheets - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML

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By Insanity - France - La Poste

Today, I managed to get my 4-year-old son to agree that, "cigarettes are poop." I was a lot less proud of myself when he pointed at a 6-foot bodybuilder-type dude in the subway and yelled, "That man smells of pooooooop." FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By birthday_loser - United States - Newport News

Today, I was upset because my brother, who I'm very close to, didn't call me for my birthday yesterday. I told my mom about it, and we both immediately went silent on the phone, as we both realized she forgot to call me yesterday as well. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Kundan

Today, my boss was fired by the board. A few days ago, he dropped several strong hints that he was going to promote me soon. FML

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By Canali18 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after working a 24-hour shift I was finally able to get some sleep. Not even an hour after falling asleep, I was woken up by my drunk husband humping my leg. FML

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By visn - United States

Today, a real estate agent showed my house to some buyers. I found out when I exited the shower, fully nude, to them in the hallway. FML

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By Stephen - Sweden

Today, I was peppered with questions about my swollen eye and if I'd gotten into a fight. I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd been brutally beaten into submission by a doorknob. FML

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By Nigel - United States

Today, most of my family was out of the house, so I took the opportunity to go to the bathroom and browse some porn. Five minutes later my sister comes and asks me to disconnect from bluetooth and that my "dinosaur noises" were blocking her and her friend's music. I'm currently hiding in shame. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a family Disney world vacation, I saw a kid shitting on a public bathroom's floor. It was my kid. He's 10. FML

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By William Johnson - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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Top comments

By Tijenai | 5

#5900645 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:46

You should take a rest.

By Welshite | 39

#5900650 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:47

Well, the keys ARE ivory. I just never expected a pianist to chip in his own teeth.

COMMENTS

By Tijenai | 5

#5900645 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:46

You should take a rest.

Kamon97 | 23

#5900701 - Monday 31 March 2014 2:16

Or an encore :p

wcc7777777 | 5

#5900737 - Monday 31 March 2014 3:08

I hope OP bowed after the stunning performance.

kristadoodle | 8

#5900751 - Monday 31 March 2014 3:30

Does anyone else not get the music reference? xD

enddmd | 27

#5900753 - Monday 31 March 2014 3:34

#27 it has been noted.

swaggalikethat | 22

#5900794 - Monday 31 March 2014 4:27

Really accented the performance there, Op

Credibleskills | 28

#5900905 - Monday 31 March 2014 6:01

As a good measure, why don't you repeat it and try again

smaaash | 8

#5901022 - Monday 31 March 2014 9:16

I disagree about trying again - piano playing is clearly not your forte.

Crazynocatlady | 22

#5901116 - Monday 31 March 2014 13:44

Perhaps we should keep the puns to a minim(um).

_u7m | 10

#5901421 - Monday 31 March 2014 20:35

If OP does try again, they should end it on a good note this time.

viva_la_blondes | 15

#5901913 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 7:27

I'm just glad OP plays the piano... There's too much sax and violins in the world today.

By Welshite | 39

#5900650 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:47

Well, the keys ARE ivory. I just never expected a pianist to chip in his own teeth.

Jaaared_ | 15

#5900704 - Monday 31 March 2014 2:19

*her

caver1 | 14

#5900857 - Monday 31 March 2014 5:13

Not any More

By EverestMelting | 23

#5900654 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:47

Hey, you can still play beautiful music. Keep your head up and look on the bright side. You may have inspired someone with your music. Sorry to hear that OP.