Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all...

By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 18:45 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

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Health

Yappy neighborhood

Weird kid

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By Photoshopped - 18/7/2016 04:34 - United States - Athens

Today, I sent my grandfather a picture of me because he hasn't seen me in years. I guess I should wear makeup next time, because he sent back a heavily photoshopped and cropped version and told me how beautiful I look. FML

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By Host grandfather - 21/9/2018 06:00 - United States - Tampa

Today, I took my transfer student, who I am hosting for her year of study in America, to the doctor. It turns out that she is pregnant, and my teenage son is the father. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I went to my son's soccer game. I cheered his name at the top my lungs and waved with a grin on my face. I saw him whisper something to a team mate so I watched the film my husband took later that night. His friend asked, "Who is that?" and my son replied, "I don't know some fat bitch." FML

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By catwithwatermelononhead - 21/1/2018 19:00

The gift that keeps not arriving...

Today, the $800, large capacity, professional carpet steam cleaner my husband supposedly bought me for Christmas got "lost in the mail". So did the refund. FML

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By Arthurie - 24/7/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

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By Impressionist - 25/8/2016 11:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I made quite an impression on my new bin men by forgetting to put the bin out 'til the last minute. I'm sure they enjoyed a good laugh at the woman in shorts, tank top and slippers struggling with a brolly as she slipped and slid while dragging her bin up a hill in a downpour. FML

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By 6u174r_d00d - 10/8/2011 21:10 - United States

Today, I saw a cute girl working register at my regular coffee shop and politely asked the her for her number. I was brutally rejected. A few minutes later, a douchebag with a popped collar approached her with a cheesy pickup line and left with not only her number, but a free frappe. FML

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By NotSoSick - 12/2/2010 05:11 - United States

Today, my doctor put me on some extra strength antibiotics for an infection. On the label it says "WARNING: may cause Diarrhea"... 'may cause' is a funny term... this is the second time I've sharted in my pants today. FML

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By Gjkashldf - 4/5/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I was at the gym and I saw a really cute guy working out nearby. I tried to get his attention by taking off my shirt and smiling at him. When he walked over to me, instead of asking for my number, he just said "Can you please put that back on? Thanks". FML

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By brokebihhhh - 2/1/2017 09:22 - United States

Today, I decided to catch a flight to see my boyfriend, who is stationed in the army 300 miles away. When I was just 15 minutes from the base he called to say that we should break up. Now I'm heading back to California, single and broke. FML

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By 34_22_34 - 28/7/2010 19:27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. He said we’d go pick up the ring tomorrow. Then he asked to borrow $40 to get it out of pawn. He pawned it when his ex gave it back to him. FML

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By Rehab - 11/2/2010 19:58 - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By LexiBoBexi - 12/7/2010 05:38 - United States

Today, my family and I went to the coast. Our dog was off the leash because we were the only people around. He was delighted to find a dead seal carcass and roll around in its remains. We then had a 3 hour drive home. FML

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By skunkcat - 11/3/2020 21:00 - United States

Smelly business

Today, I was drunk in a hotel lobby with some of my cousins. I went out on the patio to get some fresh air when I saw a black cat in the bushes. I went straight over to it and started to pet it. I realized too late that the black cat was actually a skunk. FML

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By Crazy Crazy Crazy - 13/9/2013 00:01 - Canada - Burlington

Today, my fiancée called off our wedding, because she found out I had sex with another woman. Three years before we even met. FML

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By The Towel Molester - 26/1/2012 14:49 - Australia

Today, my family had dinner with my future in-laws for the first time. After a bottle of wine to herself, my mother loudly insisted that I'm out of her will. Apparently, I "molest towels" and leave them to "fester for days" in my "den of depravity". I'm sure they'll give me their daughter now. FML

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By toobad - 29/11/2011 19:29 - Canada

Today, it's cold and rainy. I would like nothing more than to drink hot chocolate and watch a movie with the woman I love; the same woman who cheated on me and took the TV with her when she left. FML

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By faux ma - 29/4/2012 03:06 - United States - Winter Park

Today, I told the hairdresser that my kid had cut my hair. I don't have kids. I was just really drunk. FML

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By RIP - 18/6/2016 23:17 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my girlfriend and I found out that if I'm tickled it causes me to have a panic attack until I cry. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 21:34 - United States

Today, I was shopping at a store from which I had previously bought a shirt. The clerk accused me of trying to steal my own shirt and called security. They examined it and argued with me for so long I was late to work. FML

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By Fatlady43 - 19/1/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, my niece offered me a slice of cake. After I refused, she asked, "Why not? Aren't fat people always hungry?" FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2013 04:48 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my little brother grabbed my boobs and wouldn't let go until I pried his hands off. When I told my mom, her response was, "Get over it. He's a little kid who doesn't know any better." He's 14 years old. FML

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By Cantswim - 20/5/2009 15:45 - United States

Today, I had to go take swimming lessons because my mom has a fear I'll drown and I'm totally afraid of swimming anyway and never get anywhere near water. My instructor? A high school classmate of mine. My fellow swimming classmates? 5 and 6 year old kids. FML

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By mandy - 23/10/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I was taking the bus to work and it was a rather bumpy ride. The child sitting across from me asked her mom if her chin moves like mine when the bus goes up. FML

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By - 2/1/2009 15:53 - France

Today, my girlfriend confessed to me that she wants to dress me up with her clothes, with wig and makeup. FML

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By immaturity all around - 31/3/2013 17:55 - United States

Today, I came home in tears over finding out my boyfriend has been cheating on me. I told my seemingly sympathetic dad everything. His advice was to lure them both to our house with the promise of a three-way, after which he'd "kill the shit" out of them. Real mature, dad. FML

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By Karen1428 - 19/3/2017 07:00 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, my principal observed me teach my high school social studies class. At the end of the period, he told me, "Your zipper was open the entire time. I wonder if the students noticed that your underwear matched the buildup of dandruff on your shoulder." FML

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By please knock - 13/9/2016 23:26 - United States - Needham

Today, I went in the one-person bathroom at work to pee. Next thing I know, a woman forced the locked door open and walked in on me, because she didn't believe another person who said, "I think someone is in there." I'm reluctant to use that bathroom in the future. FML

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By bun593 - 27/2/2010 01:52 - United States

Today, I gave a technical presentation to a group of male colleagues. I was surprised by how attentive they were until I went to the washroom and realized that they could see every detail of my nipples through my new shirt. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 23:02

Hormonal hell

Today, someone drank a sip of my single serve pasteurized orange juice and put it back in the fridge, ignoring the whole jug of non-pasteurized juice, that I cant drink because im pregnant. I cried. FML

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By cc13799 - 28/5/2014 00:13 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my allergies are so bad that it's affected the way my voice sounds. It's so bad my mom has taken to calling me Aflac because I sound like the duck in the commercials. FML

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By notahomewrecker - 9/1/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I'd been seeing for a few weeks. It was his wife calling to find out what was going on with us. He told me he was separated. He left his kids home alone to hook up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2019 02:01

Today, I was at my job as a fitting room attendant and I checked a woman and her young son in. After several minutes, they left, saying there was lipstick on the mirror. Not only was it all over two mirrors, but also on the wall, the floor and the carpet. The whole place smelled of lip-balm and I was left to clean it up. FML

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By pinkfreak94 - 13/10/2012 13:38 - United States - Norwalk

Today, I kissed a boy for the first time in over a year. It was at drama club practice, and he quickly ended up asking the director if we could remove that scene from the play. FML

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By john - 28/1/2009 23:02 - United States

Today, the girl who I have had a crush on for 2 years snuck up from behind me and gave me a hug. I farted very loud at the same exact time. FML

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By unemployed-dude - 8/12/2015 06:17 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

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By facepalm - 28/12/2010 10:35 - Singapore

Today, my husband was fired for chatting online for the third time in a month during office hours. Who was he chatting with? Me, telling him to get off the chat programme so he wouldn't lose his job. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/3/2014 23:03 - Canada - Sackville

Today, I was sitting in the coffee shop where my boyfriend and I used to go before he broke up with me about a week ago. I was missing him and wishing he was there, when all of a sudden this 14-year-old kid comes up to me and says, "He's not coming, you may as well go home." FML

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By assoutofuandme - 14/2/2013 07:39 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while riding the train home, I noticed a man who kept looking at me. Annoyed, I told him to be less obvious and to stop staring. He promptly responded, "Bitch, I'm gay, and even I can tell no one would want to look at you." FML

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By fakelaugher - 20/12/2010 03:41 - United States

Today, I found out that my friends have been "fake laughing" whenever I make a joke just so that the situation doesn't get awkward. FML

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Top comments

By Tijenai | 5

#5900645 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:46

You should take a rest.

By Welshite | 39

#5900650 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:47

Well, the keys ARE ivory. I just never expected a pianist to chip in his own teeth.

COMMENTS

By Tijenai | 5

#5900645 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:46

You should take a rest.

Kamon97 | 23

#5900701 - Monday 31 March 2014 2:16

Or an encore :p

wcc7777777 | 5

#5900737 - Monday 31 March 2014 3:08

I hope OP bowed after the stunning performance.

kristadoodle | 8

#5900751 - Monday 31 March 2014 3:30

Does anyone else not get the music reference? xD

enddmd | 27

#5900753 - Monday 31 March 2014 3:34

#27 it has been noted.

swaggalikethat | 22

#5900794 - Monday 31 March 2014 4:27

Really accented the performance there, Op

Credibleskills | 28

#5900905 - Monday 31 March 2014 6:01

As a good measure, why don't you repeat it and try again

smaaash | 8

#5901022 - Monday 31 March 2014 9:16

I disagree about trying again - piano playing is clearly not your forte.

Crazynocatlady | 22

#5901116 - Monday 31 March 2014 13:44

Perhaps we should keep the puns to a minim(um).

_u7m | 10

#5901421 - Monday 31 March 2014 20:35

If OP does try again, they should end it on a good note this time.

viva_la_blondes | 15

#5901913 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 7:27

I'm just glad OP plays the piano... There's too much sax and violins in the world today.

By Welshite | 39

#5900650 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:47

Well, the keys ARE ivory. I just never expected a pianist to chip in his own teeth.

Jaaared_ | 15

#5900704 - Monday 31 March 2014 2:19

*her

caver1 | 14

#5900857 - Monday 31 March 2014 5:13

Not any More

By EverestMelting | 23

#5900654 - Monday 31 March 2014 1:47

Hey, you can still play beautiful music. Keep your head up and look on the bright side. You may have inspired someone with your music. Sorry to hear that OP.