Intimacy: Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended... - FML

By ThanksMom - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Mother of the year

Things can only get better

By redisnotmycolor - United States

Today, while putting on makeup, I got a face full of bloody scratches instead of an even skin tone. Turns out my makeup sponge was full of bits of glass. My little brother forgot to tell me he shattered a mirror beside my makeup box. FML

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By Countdown has begun

Today, my girlfriend took a crap in my swimming pool. Her excuse? She had to go. FML

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By frustrated - United States - Miami

Today, while reading an erotic story I was more excited that the author used a conjunctive adverb than the sexual content in the story. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - York

Today, I picked up my daughter from preschool. Her teacher handed me her nap blankets and mentioned there was an extra article of clothing I might want to take home. I looked in-between the blankets and saw a pair of my giant granny panties that had gotten mixed in with her stuff. FML

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By theotherotherguy - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I started a job on a building site. Halfway through, I needed to use the toilet. One of the builders said there were two of them; one was "OK" and the other was "nasty." The first one I walked into had the foulest stench imaginable. Apparently, that was the "OK" one. FML

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By bees - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was mowing my grandma's lawn when I was suddenly swarmed by bees. When my grandma saw me covered in stings later on, she said, "Oh yeah, there are tons of bees in the grass! Be careful!" FML

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By manda - United States

Today, I had to call my mom and tell her about the insurance claim that is going to be coming through in the next couple of weeks. I spent the night in the hospital. I'm allergic to lube. FML

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By UncleRory - United States

Today, I was shopping at a supermarket. As I was about to pay for my items, I noticed the cashier was very cute. Trying to be nice, I smiled. She smiled back and said "Hello, how are you?" Instead of saying "I'm good" or "I'm okay", I said "I'm gay". FML

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By Anonymous

It found you

Today, a dog came up to me while I was sitting on my porch. I used my belt as a leash to go try to find its owner. After an hour of looking in the rain, I gave up and let it go. Now I'm back in my house and it won't stop pawing and barking at my door. It's 3:00 a.m. FML

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By broke and hungry - United States - West New York

Today, I had to skip lunch to work on a big project, so I stopped by a vending machine. The number I wanted was 126, but I accidentally typed 124, using my last dollar. 124 was the only empty row. FML

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By chucklesman96 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

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By Randiluck - Canada

Today, I met up with a few old friends for some wine and munchies. The main topics of conversation were colonoscopies, lactose intolerance and specific symptoms of irritable bowel syndrome. I'm sleeping over at one of their houses. Only 20 more hours to go. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met a close friend of my husband for the first time. She told me it was amazing that I agreed to be in an open marriage and asked if sex was weird knowing he'd slept with other women. No, the sex wasn't weird, because we're not in an open marriage. FML

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By mr. machine - United States

Today, my 19-year-old daughter got a haircut. When I asked her if she tipped the hairdresser, she looked at me in horror and asked, "You’re supposed to tip hairdressers?" FML

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By SupermarketSally - Australia - Perth

Today, a customer threw a bottle of milk at me because we'd moved our smoke counter 6 months earlier during our renovations. Moved it five metres to the right that is. He marched out of the store, then marched back, grabbed the milk from my hands, threw $5 at me and then left again. FML

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By homealone - Canada

Today, my parents left on a trip. I wanted to invite my girlfriend over for a few days so we could spend them together. Then my grandparents turn up, "just for a few days, until your parents return, so you won't be alone in this big house." FML

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By WhyMe

Today, I woke up approximately half a nanosecond after my dog involuntarily vomited in bed. On my face. I opened my mouth because it literally filled my nose. I swallowed out of reflex before I was fully awake. FML

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By Pimp Daddy

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 05:00

Happy Birthday!

Today, I turned 37. My acne turned 24, my eating disorder 22, my chronic digestive issues 35 and my insomnia 16. My boobs, on the other hand, look like they just turned 60. FML

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By Jenna - United States

Today, I was making pudding and accidentally spilt some on the floor. I had no idea until I slipped in it, throwing the bowl of pudding on my head. My mom promised to take me to the hospital as soon as she got a picture. FML

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By Flighted - Canada - Georgetown

Today, I had to suffer through a four hour flight beside my ex. Yesterday, I proposed, on the last day of our vacation. She said no. FML

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By obviously not the favorite

Today, my mom called me a "useless spoiled brat" because I refused to drive my sister across the city just to buy flavored gelatin. I've had Amoebic Dysentery for 3 days now and need constant bathroom access. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By ThanksDog

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

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By CassidyQueen - United States - Warrenton

Today, I moved in with my boyfriend because my parents kicked me out. He said that if I ever touch his "fucking apple jacks" he will "chop" my nipples off and feed them to the dog. FML

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By nikko blue - United States

Today, I decided to try whitening my teeth for the first time. I applied the strips to my teeth and decided to lay down and wait for the thirty required minutes to pass. I accidentally fell asleep and woke up three hours later. My teeth are still in excruciating pain and are covered in white streaks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent the entire day packing my car full of boxes for my move tomorrow. When I finally finished, I realized I didn't have the car key. It's inside one of the boxes. FML

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By Dr_Gip - United States

Today, I was so engrossed in a phone call that I drove off without pumping gas after I'd prepaid $50. FML

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By stopinthenameoflove - Ireland - Dublin

Today, my girlfriend thought it'd be witty to buy a miniature stop sign, and hold it up when she gets bored during sex. FML

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By ShelbyIsAwesome - 4/3/2021 17:01

Who are these people ?

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he hasn't showered in over a week because he "doesn't like to be wet." FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, I found a piece of erotic fiction on my brother's computer. It involved two lesbian teenagers, who just so happened to have the same names and physical descriptions as my sister and me. FML

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By Nick - United States

Today, I was looking in the refrigerator for something to drink. I found a jug of lemonade with a piece of paper on it saying "Mom's Lemonade, Don't Drink!" I was really thirsty, so I ignored it and drank the whole jug. My mom is about to have a colonoscopy and had filled it with laxatives. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I've been yawning every few minutes. Which would be fine, except every couple of yawns my jaw dislocates, and I have to put it back in place. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Ripollet

Absolute beginners

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to make love for the first time. The moment my bra came off, he started hyperventilating to the point of blacking out. So much for that. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Waxhaw

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said, "Can't, bigamy's illegal." I still don't know if she was joking or not, because she keeps changing the subject whenever I mention it. FML

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By SHIIIIITTTT - United States - Houston

Today, my new boss, the CEO's son, finally showed up for work, three days late and right after lunch break. His first order of business was to call a meeting and scream at everyone for not having a diet latte waiting for him on his desk. God help us all. FML

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By anonymous198913 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned how to play "Happy Birthday" on the guitar, just to have my friend tell me that my voice sucks, and that I needed to stop immediately. FML

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By Bunni - Australia

Today, I was tinting my own eyelashes when I missed my eyelashes and stabbed myself in the eye with the applicator loaded with dye. Now, I have beautiful lush black eyelashes, to match my half closed swollen red left eye. Sexy. FML

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By pikachu_43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, because I thought I was about to have an asthma attack, I had a panic attack. Then, the panic attack caused me to have a real asthma attack. FML

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Top comments

By ohhboyy | 0

#60963 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

tell your mom you inherited the ugly genes from her.
that'll keep her quiet.

By puffingdragons | 0

#60961 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

Mothers deliver the sickest burns. True story.

COMMENTS

By puffingdragons | 0

#60961 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

Mothers deliver the sickest burns. True story.

Reply

toxic10uhc | 0

#794931 - Sunday 24 January 2010 6:23

no they are stupid whores most of the time.

Reply

bwinski | 19

#6412681 - Thursday 17 September 2015 10:26

^well, someone has mommy issues...

Reply

jackiegarcia20 | 6

#6669631 - Thursday 11 August 2016 20:20

Lol. Not my mama!

By ohhboyy | 0

#60963 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

tell your mom you inherited the ugly genes from her.
that'll keep her quiet.

By podrummer9209 | 0

#60984 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:01

Ouch. Agreed to #2 and 3.

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#60998 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:04

Hahah ouch! Even she doesn't have confidence either. Guess you'll jus have to prove them wrong right?
;]]

By my_life_sucks_17 | 1

#61014 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:06

lol awww
1) secure the bed
2) prove ur mom wrong ;)

enjoy :) lol

By _Chocoholic_ | 0

#61028 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:09

lol... added to faves! I totally agree with #6 :)

By intensegirl666 | 0

#61029 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:09

Hahahaa.
I agree with #6...bring a girl home and tell her off.

By InverseFUN | 0

#61042 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:12

You could not secure the bed... then just use theirs when you bring a girl home. ;D

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#61044 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:12

and every night, you're out with a different girl, all who have beds that work properly..

By allie2590 | 30

#61065 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:14

They probably meant they won't let that happen. :P

Reply

Missy612 | 14

#4815429 - Wednesday 15 August 2012 7:58

No they probably didn't.