Intimacy: Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended... - FML

By ThanksMom - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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Dangling modifier

Sorry…

They targeted gamers!

By Indoraptor - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my sister, who has "borrowed" almost nine hundred dollars from me over the last few months, told me I was pathetic for not having my driver's license yet and that I "wasn't normal". I was saving that money for my driving lessons. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicopee

Today, I finally got around to cleaning out my mother's things after her passing. In the process I found a fancy box. What did it contain? A collection of crack pipes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad decided that he wanted to start a collection of sporks. They're filling up our car. FML

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By Robert

Today, I finally got medication to deal with my seizures. I've had them since I was 5, but my mother had always believed I was faking it. When I seized during a basketball game, she actually came onto the court and lectured the referee for "humoring" me. FML

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By p0isonOreo68 - 8/11/2020 08:03

Alexa, play "These Things Take Time" by The Smiths

Today, I broke my glasses, so I scheduled an appointment to get a new pair. The soonest available appointment? November 21st. FML

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By youredisgusting - United States - Merced

Today, my roommate yelled at me yet again for using the dishwasher because it's "unsanitary." This is all while a mountain of her dishes were going mouldy in the sink. FML

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By Eodowoiono - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, as a joke, my friend put my bus money in the vending machine. Not only did the machine not return my money, it wouldn't give me an item in return. FML

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By diggingaplotforone - United States - Redlands

Today, I was digging in my lawn, trying to ignore the suspicious glances coming from my nosy fuckball of a neighbor. When he asked what I was doing, I replied with dripping sarcasm, that I was digging up the schoolkids I killed last year. Fifteen minutes later, the cops he called arrived. FML

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By wtfiswrongwithher - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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By hangup - United States

Today, I checked my voicemail. I was really surprised to hear an adorable message from my boyfriend, who was vacationing in Florida. I was even more surprised to hear him having sex with some other girl for the last seven minutes of the message. FML

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By welp24

Today, at the age of 25, for the first time in my life, I was lying mostly naked in front of a man while he was inserting something in my body. Too bad that man was a doctor and that thing was a colonoscopy. FML

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By DENTALITY - Norway

Today, I caught my son trying to punch his own teeth out so he'd get more money from the tooth fairy. FML

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By meggiemouse - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By Vince - United States

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to my friend's house to give him some moral support as he came out of the closet to his family. I left with a black eye. FML

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By Takegami - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

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By scared2poop - Australia - Brighton

Today, like many other days, I drove 15 minutes away from my girlfriend's house to poop at the local McDonald's, because I'm too scared of her roommates hearing my extreme noise terror. FML

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By oldskoolgrl - United States

Today, I was denied acceptance to The University of Georgia. I was down all day so I decided to go to a party my friend was throwing. Thinking it would cheer me up, as soon as I arrive all I see is colleges on shirts, hats, and sweatshirts, most being UGA. It was a college acceptance party. FML

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By MonCoiffeurAdoré

Today, I caught my stylist in the mirror attempting to get his colleague to laugh by spitting on my head while washing my hair. FML

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By Barrel - United States

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

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By HeadStillHurts

Today, I tried to impress a group of friends by jumping a set of stairs on my skateboard. I didn't realize the ceiling dropped down towards the bottom of the stairs and knocked myself out. FML

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By Snow White

Today, I'm so pale that I managed to get a sunburn while sitting in a bus. FML

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By stinkyhair - United States

Today, thanks to some asshole with a padlock, I got trapped in porta potty for over an hour. FML

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By moutz - Australia

Today, I met with an important client to talk about his stake in the company. The guy was at least 80 years old. After taking care of business we spoke about my final year at the company. As he got up to leave he said "Good luck in your final year". Without thinking, I replied "You too". FML

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By crazycatlady - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up with my cat's asshole planted firmly on my forehead. FML

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By ohgosh1428

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Craig

Today, I am so unused to physical activity that I got exhausted and fell asleep on my yoga mat not even halfway through the DVD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dell Rapids

Today, my entire gym class had to run the 1600 with our coach calling out finishing times. My finishing time was reported as "3 days short of a year." FML

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By anonix - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

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By WTF - Canada - Calgary

Today, I found out that the girl I've been talking to online and sending certain pictures to is actually my ex's new boyfriend. He ended up telling me he'd just wanted to see how he compared to me down below because my ex refused to go into detail about it. FML

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By tarheels526 - United States

Today, the alarm on my phone went off. I picked it up, hit snooze, and dropped it back on my desk without looking. I woke up an hour later to find that I had dropped it directly in a full glass of water. FML

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By Username

Today, I accidentally drank my sister's science project. Her science project consisted of taking a glass of orange juice and putting maggots in it to see if they would live. I thought it was just pulp. FML

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By HappyBirthdayISuppose - United States - Westminster

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hackensack

Today, I was taking my grandma shopping, when she pointed at a pair of thongs and told me if I don’t start wearing them I won’t get a man. I've been married for 4 years, gran. Thanks for paying attention. FML

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By doctorsandnurses - United Kingdom

Today, after a hard day on the wards as a trainee doctor, I went home and started getting frisky with my girlfriend. All I could think about was the anatomical names for what I was touching and doing. I felt physically sick. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I punched the air enthusiastically after getting an impossible question right. Unfortunately, above me was an old fashioned mole trap, with 6 small spikes and 2 large ones. I now have 6 puncture wounds in my hand, and two in my shoulder, as it fell off the hook it was hanging on. FML

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By ash - United States - Winnebago

Today, I went shopping on my only day off. The only aisle open was self-checkout. I'm a cashier. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a bunch of friends and I went skinny dipping in a pond. The guys all grabbed the ladies' underpants and waved then around. My bloody pad was inside of one of them. FML

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Top comments

By ohhboyy | 0

#60963 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

tell your mom you inherited the ugly genes from her.
that'll keep her quiet.

By puffingdragons | 0

#60961 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

Mothers deliver the sickest burns. True story.

COMMENTS

By puffingdragons | 0

#60961 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

Mothers deliver the sickest burns. True story.

Reply

toxic10uhc | 0

#794931 - Sunday 24 January 2010 6:23

no they are stupid whores most of the time.

Reply

bwinski | 19

#6412681 - Thursday 17 September 2015 10:26

^well, someone has mommy issues...

Reply

jackiegarcia20 | 6

#6669631 - Thursday 11 August 2016 20:20

Lol. Not my mama!

By ohhboyy | 0

#60963 - Thursday 26 March 2009 23:58

tell your mom you inherited the ugly genes from her.
that'll keep her quiet.

By podrummer9209 | 0

#60984 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:01

Ouch. Agreed to #2 and 3.

By MaiLouIsLegend | 0

#60998 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:04

Hahah ouch! Even she doesn't have confidence either. Guess you'll jus have to prove them wrong right?
;]]

By my_life_sucks_17 | 1

#61014 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:06

lol awww
1) secure the bed
2) prove ur mom wrong ;)

enjoy :) lol

By _Chocoholic_ | 0

#61028 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:09

lol... added to faves! I totally agree with #6 :)

By intensegirl666 | 0

#61029 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:09

Hahahaa.
I agree with #6...bring a girl home and tell her off.

By InverseFUN | 0

#61042 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:12

You could not secure the bed... then just use theirs when you bring a girl home. ;D

By ummmyeahhh | 0

#61044 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:12

and every night, you're out with a different girl, all who have beds that work properly..

By allie2590 | 30

#61065 - Friday 27 March 2009 0:14

They probably meant they won't let that happen. :P

Reply

Missy612 | 14

#4815429 - Wednesday 15 August 2012 7:58

No they probably didn't.