Work: Today, everyone at the office was finally presented with the... - FML

By Anonymous - Canada - Charlottetown

Today, everyone at the office was finally presented with the bonuses our boss had promised to pay us by the end of last year. Turns out he was never authorized to promise any such thing, so he ended up just giving us signed "thank you" letters instead. FML

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Scratch that itch

Family heirloom

Best birthday ever!

By Noname - United States

Today, I yelled at my spouse in front of 20 guests for not coming to blow out his birthday cake candles. Turns out he was in the other room, quietly changing his disabled friend's diaper. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Belle River

Today, at a house party, I finally got the guy I've been seeing alone in his room. We started making out, and I got on top of him to take control. He responded by saying he couldn't do it because he needed to go make pizza for his friends, and then bolted out of the room. FML

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By orely44 - France - Rez

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction and got off as fast as he got on. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/9/2020 17:00 - United Stated - Portland

Stormy weather

Today, I was about to have sex with my long-term boyfriend, when it started to rain. He was so interested in the storm that he left me half naked to look outside. FML

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By rubber_duckie177 - United States

Today, my sisters and I were throwing my mom a birthday party. Since I'm not good at baking, I ordered her a really nice and expensive cake. As my daughter and I were headed out the door, she told me she had added some sprinkles to make it pretty. It was the silica beads from a package. FML

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By szechuansauce

Today, my nine-year-old niece found my coloring book that features swear words. I took it away and hid it in a different spot. No less than an hour later, her younger sister found it. FML

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By ItHurtsLIkeHell - Malaysia

Today, I learnt that if you accidentally sit on a hamster, instead of dying, it bites your testicles. FML

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By lala7 - United States

Today, my brother told the family that if you pull on the dog's back foot then she always obeys. I later found my mom tugging on the dog's foot whispering "jump off a cliff" repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I got into a heated argument with my girlfriend. Not because of anything I did, but because she actually believes that pasteurization is when a pastor blesses a dairy product. "You know, like kosher." FML

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By Rose - United States

Today, the man I went on a date with a few weeks ago finally called me back. I was his "one phone call" from prison. FML

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By AnastasiyaNicholas - United States

Today, my drunken mother woke up after having passed out and yelled at me for ditching school. It took half an hour to explain that it's 5:00, and I've already been to school. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Scruffy 'erbert

Today, I was in the garden of my new house when a neighbour came over and told me to clear off or she would call the owner to tell them they were being burgled. When I told her I was the owner, she said I was clearly unsuitable to be living on this street, and to stop lying before she called the police. FML

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By amy1023 - United States

Today, I complained to my boyfriend that I was stressed out. He asked me then "What do you have to be stressed out about?" I work 50 hours a week and go to school full time. I ask him what was stressful about his day, he told me that his "kill/death ratio went down on Call of Duty". FML

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By klee - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling in bed. After looking at me for a while he said, "you look better when I'm not wearing my contacts". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

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By hockeymango57

J'accuse...!

Today, one of my friends blew a giant vape cloud and the principal saw and called us into his office. We blamed each other, so the principal checked both of our backpacks. Apparently, my friend snuck his pen into my bag somehow. I don't even vape. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2021 14:02

Where's my anvil?

Today, my roommate placed something on a shelf I put up, and the whole thing came crashing down. It's been fine for 2 years and now the shelf decides to break? Yeah right, dude. FML

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By Oblivious - United States

Today, I fell off my desk chair. Why? I failed to notice that the screws I'd been finding on the floor around my room for the past few months belonged to said chair. FML

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By girlymae - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I was in bed when I rolled over and saw a hand right beside my head. I freaked out and nearly peed myself, just to realize that it was the huggable heart pillow my boyfriend had given to me on Valentine's Day. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boss texted me to say the office was closed because of the snow. I begged him to let me go in anyway because I had nothing to do all day. I have no life, friends or hobbies. FML

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By Too Late - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the phone with my mother. She asked me if I was going to make it to Christmas at home. I told her that I would try and make it home since it would be my grandma's last Christmas alive. To my luck, grandma was sitting in the car with my mother, and speaker phone was in use. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 11:02

Join in the fun

Today, after discovering my grown-up kids have sent poop pictures to each other since they were teenagers, I had an epic poop that looked like a question mark. So I finally lowered myself to their level and sent a picture of it to them. It got sent to my boss by accident. FML

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By lonerboner - United States

Today, I went on a date to the movies with this guy I kinda like. When he was driving me home, he asked me to be his girlfriend; I said I couldn’t because it was really bad timing. He kicked me out of the car, called me an asshole, and made me walk home. FML

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By ouch... - United States

Today, while trying to pull a nail out of some wood with a crowbar in my theatre class, my girlfriend, who was holding down the wood with her foot, thought it would be funny to move her foot and make me lose my balance. Instead, the crowbar flew up and struck me in the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to 70 new text messages and 100 calls all from numbers I didn't know. The night before I got into a heated argument with my old best friend about who was prettier. She got mad and posted my number on Craigslist as a prostitute. Apparently I won. FML

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By Anonymous - United Arab Emirates

Today, my 18 year old son asked me to check if there were any monsters under his bed. FML

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By jjs51 - United States

Today, I was driving back home with my family. I had to sit quietly for half an hour, all while pretending I didn't notice my sister playing with herself under the coat on her lap. FML

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By Carolyn Dee Humphrey

Today, I found out my friend and I have the same due date and the same baby daddy. It's my boyfriend of 9 years. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

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By sick - United States

Today, I was at the nursing home I work at, and my boss asked me if I'm serious about my job, telling me that I've been acting strange and not working hard enough. She wants to drug test me. The real reason I'm not 100% is because I have a stomach ulcer from the stress of working there. FML

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By thefifthdoctor - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By killercow - United States

Today, I walked into the laundry room when my mom pulled a condom wrapper out of my pants pocket. She looked at me and said "you know you can't wash and reuse these." FML

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By biker2012 - United States

Today, there was a parents bike race on the track at my high school for a fundraiser. My dad entered, and ended up winning. He did his victory dance with a massive erection showing through his spandex. Just about all of my friends, teachers, other parents, and the hot soccer team saw. FML

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By wow - Russian Federation - Saint Petersburg

Today, my husband of 6 years said in a grave voice that he had some important news for me. Jokingly, I said, "Why, did you get that cute colleague of yours pregnant?" He did. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

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By leahkasscar - United States

Today, I kissed my 3.5 GPA goodbye because my English teacher was too caught up planning her parrot's birthday party to put in the credit I deserve for three different essays I completed for her class. FML

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By J…… - 12/5/2020 17:00

Bad timing

Today, as I was talking to my girlfriend about how I need to find another job to be able to afford school next fall, I hit a deer causing about $3,000 in damages to my car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - East Northport

Today, at soccer tryouts, the coach made us run the entire practice. I ran the whole two hours ahead of everyone. When the tryout ended, I vomited due to dehydration. I didn't make the team. The coach's reasoning: "Only the weak throw up". FML

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By HoboWithACondom

Today, my regressive boss fired me because he found out I'm dating his daughter. Now I'm concerned what he might do if he finds out she's pregnant with my child. FML

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Top comments

By gracehi | 31

#5944057 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:50

For his birthday, get him a picture of a gift card to his favorite restaurant. :P

By Faff | 20

#5944033 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:42

Is your boss Michael Scott?

COMMENTS

By hexo21 | 13

#5944016 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:38

You can just say oh you're welcome with a nice pie to the ace

Reply

larrena2377 | 26

#5944040 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:43

Then probably get fired...great idea

Reply

TheTacoMan | 24

#5944242 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 4:32

Why A pie to the face? Maybe a bullet to the head! Then, You won't get fired because he will be dead

Reply

zandalee | 19

#5944394 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 6:15

I think it's time to take your meds Tacoman

By cassieperiodbee | 14

#5944029 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:41

Jerk! He shouldn't make promises that he can't keep.

Reply

Demig0d6 | 14

#5944387 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 6:03

At least it's something

Reply

LibertySteak | 7

#5944840 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 17:28

Bosses make promises they can't keep ALL the time!

By Faff | 20

#5944033 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:42

Is your boss Michael Scott?

Reply

Palirose | 22

#5944081 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 2:01

Im sorry #3 apparently not everyone understand The Office references. D:

Reply

91hayek | 31

#5944108 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 2:38

Haha I was thinking the same thing. He might try to cancel Christmas as well. Interestingly, I wonder what that makes OP? Since OP is here on FML complaining about it I'd guess OP is tech savvy Ryan.

Reply

rockydify | 22

#5944217 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 4:17

This was exactly my thought too!

Reply

shudson186 | 17

#5944318 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 5:17

I completely agree!

Reply

mydadpulledout | 17

#5945465 - Thursday 15 May 2014 4:25

Haha this made me think of Christmas Vacation's "jelly of the month club" scene, but Michael Scott works just as well

By mcm_3 | 16

#5944035 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:42

"You're welcome"

Reply

Spyderbane | 10

#5944957 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 19:33

I think we, should start an Anti-Grammer Nazi Movement on FML )not bad spelling( *youre'

By bluucat | 17

#5944053 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:48

What a jackass.

By gracehi | 31

#5944057 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:50

For his birthday, get him a picture of a gift card to his favorite restaurant. :P

Reply

megstiel | 16

#5944096 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 2:23

Be sure to laminate it for effect.
Being on the internet, I pray I used the correct form of "Effect/Affect".

Reply

DropTheDaggerxx | 31

#5944284 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 4:57

You did, #14. Affect is usually the verb form of the word, which wouldn't have applied there. Effect was was right!

By sugar94_fml | 17

#5944074 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:57

That's just unfortunate.

By xblaine | 17

#5944076 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 1:59

What a dick

By schadenfreud | 6

#5944083 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 2:06

since he signed them, learn to forge his signature and approve your own paid leave

By Mauskau | 35

#5944087 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 2:12

My entire company received thank you cards, saying they didn't have enough money to give us bonuses. This was followed by an email telling us the company made a couple billion dollars profit last year.

Reply

91hayek | 31

#5944391 - Wednesday 14 May 2014 6:11

For my money's worth that card should be made from parchment from the Dead Sea Scrolls, the Magna Carta or the American Declaration of Independence. It should be written on with pure gold ink and delivered to me by a very rare kind of owl.

Reply

more4me | 27

#5945971 - Thursday 15 May 2014 16:56

#12 That's a huge FML right there. FYL.

Reply

Wolf87535 | 4

#5947366 - Friday 16 May 2014 21:44

The professional equivalent of the middle finger....