Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg...

By bloom - 17/12/2008 04:10 - France

Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML

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Love

Trip Advisor says no

A beautiful truck decoration

Non-baby fever

By hungry - 12/2/2009 00:06 - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

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By earths_venus - 24/7/2010 07:44 - Australia

Today, my new coworker told me he expects me to call him King Kong and bow down to him whenever he walks past. FML

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By Good choice cat - 24/2/2014 19:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By emix - 17/6/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I was dropping my new boyfriend off at his house. I had never been there before, so he was giving me directions as I drove. We passed a small trailer home on the right. I commented without thinking, "I'm so glad I don't live in a house like that." My boyfriend told me to turn right. FML

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By mhmohyeah - 10/11/2009 23:05 - United States

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2014 23:28 - United States - Elmwood Park

Today, my best friend wanted to see what my new boyfriend looks like. By chance, he'd sent me a Snapchat a few minutes before, so I opened it to show her, only to see that it was a dick pic. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

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By mathesonn - 29/5/2014 23:32 - United States - Auburn

Today, out of habit from twelve years of karate classes, I bowed to my teacher as I exited my classroom. My chemistry classroom. FML

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By wolf boy - 10/7/2011 00:13 - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

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By notyouagain - 3/10/2010 07:40 - Australia

Today, I went over to my friend's house. Her 5 year old son answered the door and when he saw me said, 'oh great, it's YOU' and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By anonymous - 25/1/2016 14:09 - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my son became convinced that his father cheated and we put the fertilized egg inside me to cover the whole thing up. He won't stop calling me "host mother". FML

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By mavrick127 - 29/9/2016 14:21 - United States - Atlanta

Today, I finally had the chance to have sex with my crush. Too bad I couldn't get an erection. FML

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By lonelyheart4ever - 13/8/2016 01:58 - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

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By womanoski - 20/2/2016 17:56 - United States - Fishers

Today, while taking a bus full of loud, rambunctious elementary children to school, the bus slowly slid off the road into a ditch. After waiting 30 minutes that felt like hours, I saw the tow truck arriving from the opposite direction also slide slowly off the roadway into the opposite ditch. FML

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By ... - 29/12/2011 15:24

Today, my girlfriend told me that her parents have a bet going on when we are going to break up. FML

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By hateparents - 11/10/2009 11:25 - Australia

Today, my parents met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. They not only brought along embarrassing childhood photos of myself, they'd 'accidentally' placed an intimate photo of me and my ex-girlfriend with them. That was their subtle way of telling everyone they prefer my ex. FML

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By Anon - 27/2/2010 16:07 - United States

Today, my boss told me that if I didn't become his neighbor on Farmville I wouldn't have a job. I laughed. He didn't. FML

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By NoConfusion - 14/9/2014 12:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend told me that the necklace I gave her wasn't a "unique enough gift." I spent two weeks making that necklace, link by link. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/6/2013 20:50 - United States

Today, wanting to do something nice for my dad, I mowed the lawn. He grounded me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By yodada - 10/3/2009 23:03 - United States

Today, I was pulled over because I looked like a possible suspect for a robbery. While searching me, the police's radio went off and the person on the other line said, "Possible suspect, 5'5", thin" - the officer stopped right then and murmured, "too short and fat" and walked back to his car. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2010 23:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé — a top chef — called me at work to make sure I would be home on time for the extra special dinner he'd prepared for me. The occasion, as I later discovered, was the end of our engagement. FML

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By car keyer - 2/12/2013 06:41 - United States - Mary Esther

Today, I called the police to report that my car had been keyed. I remember going to a bar last night and getting drunk. A surveillance camera revealed that after my drunken self couldn't unlock the door to my car, I punched the door and hurt my fist so bad that I keyed my own car. FML

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By Mc'xplosive - 9/10/2019 04:00

McGastric

Today, after months of avoiding fast food, I decided to eat some McDonald's french fries. Though the fries were delicious, they were not worth the agonizing 15 minutes I spent on the toilet afterwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2012 17:43 - Spain - Tordesillas

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and heavy drinking. Apparently word travels quickly, because everyone now knows that I spent hours lying in an empty bathtub, rubbing shampoo over my body with the expectation that it'd increase my penis size. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2016 13:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, I walked in on my dog slurping my coffee. I'm not sure how long we have been sharing my morning cup of joe. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By anon - 5/9/2016 08:17 - New Zealand - Hamilton

Today, I gained the courage to talk to the guy I have a crush on. In a dying part of the conversation, I panicked and ended up asking him if he was gay. He replied no and seemed offended, so I quickly added, "You just seem a little gay sometimes, in a good way." He took more offense and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2011 14:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent thirty minutes in the shower trying to remove "Pierre", a face complete with moustache that my girlfriend drew in sharpie on the tip of my cock. FML

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By LightsOut - 3/5/2011 17:58 - United States

Today, I finished working a 70 hour work week. I'm a lineman for the electric company, and worked extended hours all week getting people's lights back on after a wind storm. When I got home, my power was out. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2013 05:52 - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was walking out of my girlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I picked it up, sniffed it and put it on my face as a joke. She replied with, "Those are my mother's." FML

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By crapules - 23/12/2008 04:18 - France

Today, my boss asked me, "Can I give you some constructive criticism?" I said yes. He told me, "Your work is really shit. You have no talent and I can't figure out why I hired you." FML

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By Chakkamofo - 1/2/2009 22:47 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My wife gave me a card saying "You made it to 36!". It's my 35th birthday. FML

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By mylifesucks - 2/12/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 15:30

Today, my fiancée bought me a luxury getaway to the Maldives, complete with a five-star hotel and first-class plane tickets. Too bad she used my credit card, with all the money I was saving for our wedding. FML

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By PollingLow - 10/5/2012 15:45 - United States - Decatur

Today, I ran for editor-in-chief of a magazine. I spent hours working on my speech, and offered a bunch of new ideas to increase readership. My opponent just said that she, "loved the organization". I lost by a 4-1 margin. My opponent later announced her plans for next year. They were all of my ideas. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2009 18:45 - United States

Today, while walking to class enjoying the warmer weather, a bee flew down my shirt. I'm allergic to bees so I freaked out and started ripping my clothes off. By the time I was done, I was half naked and there was no bee in sight. Turns out, it was the string on my jacket hood. FML

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By Anon. - 7/2/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend asked me to play dead so he could have sex with my "corpse." FML

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By fallen - 15/5/2017 16:00 - United States - Merion Station

Today, I came into work feeling good about myself and my upcoming plans. I left before noon with a box of my belongings and uncertainty about my future, having been suddenly laid off. FML

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By newdad - 6/9/2010 23:21 - United States

Today, I found out that I'm a dad. My ex from 8 years ago contacted me through facebook. I'm happy I have a kid, but apparently she only contacted me because she wants me to start paying child support, now her boyfriend who provided for them left. FML

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By shaviTuT - 7/2/2013 19:44 - Malaysia - Bandar Penggaram

Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

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Top comments

By the_space_pope | 2

#40972 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 21:58

If I someday have a daughter, and I don't like the guy she's seeing, I'm going to do the same thing.

By moxy_fml | 0

#391 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:56

You should say something, being passive seems like a bad idea in your situation.

COMMENTS

By moxy_fml | 0

#391 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:56

You should say something, being passive seems like a bad idea in your situation.

killerviral | 0

#830832 - Saturday 6 February 2010 18:58

I woulda beat his ass infront of herlol

Master_Bait | 0

#990079 - Monday 10 May 2010 1:46

i woudve said WTFML

pedosmurf | 7

#4122763 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:40

I am confused if it was her fathers gf and then said his foot is the dads date a guy or girl?

Nissi | 17

#6532053 - Monday 8 February 2016 20:58

"my new girlfriend's father," meaning it wasn't OP's father.

By redroses5 | 0

#7659 - Thursday 26 February 2009 8:08

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakward

stopreadingmynam | 0

#1047398 - Monday 28 June 2010 20:56

2, "awkward" has a w after the first a. srry, I'm a perfectionist.

FreshSalad | 1

#1184501 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 1:33

And yet, you can't spell "sorry" correctly.

lol32360 | 0

#1619297 - Friday 29 October 2010 4:57

WIN

Niki0308 | 0

#2209993 - Sunday 20 March 2011 7:17

he just forgot an O not that bad guys jeez!

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2223796 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 16:42

41, go troll somewhere else

yesmanddd | 4

#2335724 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 7:17

#52
well, #2 just forgot a w..

By Rilan | 0

#14149 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 9:42

Who were you seated by? I'm willing to bet it wasn't intended for you.

Karma495 | 0

#1788341 - Friday 3 December 2010 14:08

hehe

By FueledbyPanic32 | 0

#21697 - Sunday 8 March 2009 20:02

lmao @ #5, you should deff return the favour next time!

Lulu714 | 0

#1313232 - Saturday 28 August 2010 20:03

if ur #4 how could u lol at #5

yourWIFEandKIDS | 0

#1711600 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 21:22

Haha, nice job Captain Hind-Sight^^

By the_space_pope | 2

#40972 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 21:58

If I someday have a daughter, and I don't like the guy she's seeing, I'm going to do the same thing.

sequoi | 0

#442000 - Thursday 30 July 2009 7:59

LOL... Really??

xXDeadPoolXx | 0

#855445 - Sunday 14 February 2010 20:35

lol I would moan and creep the father out

MunChiChi | 0

#1858267 - Friday 17 December 2010 21:15

#34
OMGoodness. Dat Would Be Hillarious. Lmmfao!!

LizzieBvBfan | 5

#3070720 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 12:46

Thats very clever, I just thought the dad was strange but maybe he was intentionally trying to creep the guy out!

crazyjemjem | 6

#5465123 - Thursday 25 April 2013 23:02

Brilliant idea!

By diskincluded | 0

#47656 - Saturday 21 March 2009 17:17

Hey, the bright side is now you know he likes you!

By Dimaranien | 1

#49046 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:57

He might've been trying to scare you away...

pompompom_fml | 0

#327544 - Sunday 21 June 2009 21:25

if that's true, scare him away with the same trick

By naku_fml | 0

#68106 - Sunday 29 March 2009 22:26

LMAOOO # 5 awesome
pervertttt!

By kefron | 0

#123918 - Sunday 19 April 2009 6:33

Awkward... Haha.

By qetzacoatl122112 | 0

#143690 - Sunday 26 April 2009 4:54

@ #5

So would I