Love: Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg...

By bloom - France

Today, during dinner, my new girlfriend's father stroked my leg several times under the table with his bare foot. FML

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Love

Walk on the wild side

Boozehounds

This is war!

By Staying Home Today - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

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By blackcarnation - United States - South Windsor

Today, my brother got a new saxophone. He thought a good way to break it in was to play it in my ear. Loudly. While I was sleeping. FML

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By wdones97

Today, at my job, I was so tired and aggravated that I accidentally mumbled, "I need a drink." One of the patients I was taking care of heard me and said, "Me too." I work at an addiction rehab facility. FML

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By houdinette - Sweden - Norrk?ping

Today, while driving home, I looked in the rear-view mirror and saw that my three-year-old daughter had managed to get out of her seat and had crawled to the back window. I pulled over and strapped her in again. Five minutes later she was back at the window. FML

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By clumsy

Today, while walking on the sidewalk with my boyfriend, I slipped and fell. Not only did he not help me get up or ask if I was okay, he got mad at me for embarrassing him in public. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I woke up, got dressed, drove for an hour, just to find out that I was fired. This is the closest job near me. FML

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By Trainspotting - United Kingdom

Today, Amazon didn't deliver the present I bought my mother for Mothering Sunday, so she called me an 'Ungrateful bastard.' And about half an hour ago, I cut my thumb whilst making her lunch. She said, 'You're doing this on purpose so I feel sorry for you. Well I don't.' FML

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By dykerino - Canada - Vancouver

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I cut my hair short and he didn't want people to think he was gay. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to my kid's band concert. She's 12 and in the advanced team. They were the first ones to play and they were so incredibly bad that I laughed. Really, really loud. I was escorted out of the recital. FML

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By lion2294 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my job application got denied once again. I looked over it, and saw that my roommate added "screwing over customers" and "hiding dead bodies" under my skills. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was asleep in my back garden and woke up when a bird landed on my hat and took a big shit right in my open mouth. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that getting an awesome new phone with all the new bells and whistles doesn't mean that people will now actually want to talk to me. FML

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By sleepy - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By Ginger - United States - Owensboro

Today, I got married. My dad wanted to see me before the ceremony in my dress. The dress I wore was not my usual kind of dress, strapless. The first thing my dad said, "Ginger! You've got boobs!" Not exactly the father-daughter moment I'd envisioned. FML

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By Biologyfacepalm - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil - Americana

Today, I was at work, reading some funny stories on my phone. Just as one of my co-workers decided to share that his father had passed away recently, I burst into uncontrollable, teary-eyed laughter at a story. They don't believe my explanation, and have branded me the office asshole. FML

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By sliceddice - Denmark

Today, I was crying because my cat died. My boyfriend cupped my face in his hands, looked me straight into the eyes and said, "I love seeing you cry." FML

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By wallamanut - United States - Portland

Today, my parents decided to finally kick me out of the house because they've gotten tired of seeing me "sleep around all day and being so lazy" whenever I'm home. I'm currently triple-shifting for 6 days a week. FML

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By youonlyneed2squares

Today, as I was lying in my bed eating my dinner, my roommate says to me: "I don't know how to say this, but we need more towels. The room is flooding." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a person named Chris. The entire time I couldn't figure out if Chris was a man or woman. The interview went as good as it could have went. At the end I said, "Thank you very much sir." Wrong gender. FML

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By crazyclumzy - Canada

Today, I had lunch with a co-worker, and after having a good talk and enjoying each others company, we got up to leave. Right before we said goodbye, she looked me right in the face and looking legitimately confused said "you know, I really don't understand why no one at work likes you." FML

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By spandexwiener - United States - Export

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2021 02:02 - United States - Brush Prairie

Well done Cooper

Today, my phone chose not to deliver a message to my girlfriend. This isn't the first time either; It has a habit of failing to deliver or receive messages to/from her, making it look like I'm ignoring her by not responding. It only does this with her, none of my other contacts. My phone may be trying to sabotage my relationship. FML

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By bummer - United States

Today, I went to drive my mom's car for a change. It wouldn't start, so I open the hood. Someone had stolen the battery. I go to start my own car so I can drive to the police station to report the theft, and discover someone siphoned off my gas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was working a haunted house. I have a really good spot where I hide and scare people. This really hot guy was walking up, and I jumped out and screamed. He punched me in the face. FML

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By btchzloveit - United States

Today, after 4 months of no family contact while deployed in the military, I receive an email from my mother. Attached was a picture of a toilet full of green shit, with a message from my mom saying, "Seen neon poo before? Thought I would share!" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was arrested for a crime that happened 27 years ago. I'm only 21. FML

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By SODbeatlesMCRlp - United States

Today, I came home and found a can of body spray. My parents get me a new scent whenever they go shopping, which is usually at least twice a week. They left a note: "Do you get it yet?" FML

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By BoredRunner42 - United States

Today, I had a great time with a girl I liked. I asked her out and she said yes. She also said she cuts herself and if I ever broke up with her, I'll be responsible for her death. FML

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By Mommy - United States

Today, my daughter watched a potty training video on Sesame Street. In the middle of the video, she got up and ran to her potty to practice. She then announced, "All done!", and proudly closed the lid to her potty. She then immediately stood on top of it and peed. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when his condom came off inside of me. We couldn't get it out, so I had to tell my mom, who didn't know we were sexually active, and then go to the ER. After an unsuccessful visit, we came home only to find the condom in my sheets. FML

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By sleeplessinID - United States

Today, I haven't had any real sleep in 4 days because I am an insomniac. My father is also an insomniac but he takes Ambien to get his rest. Me? I'm stuck staring at the ceiling for hours because he won't let me take any kind of medication, because he doesn't want me "getting addicted." FML

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By fatpooch - Canada

Today, my mom decided our whole family is going on a diet. Why? Because the vet told us our dog is overweight, and she "didn't want Twix to suffer alone." FML

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By Lily - United States

Today, I came to school late because I had to drop off my daughter at school. When I got on campus, the security told me I was late but I said, "Oh no, I work here." and he said, "Oh like I haven't heard that one before." And he took me to detention. My boss, the Principal, had to bail me out. FML

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By canucks_chick - Canada

Today, I dislocated my jaw while giving my boyfriend a blowjob. FML

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By jenni6488 - United Kingdom

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML

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By AznKoreanGuy - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

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Top comments

By the_space_pope | 2

#40972 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 21:58

If I someday have a daughter, and I don't like the guy she's seeing, I'm going to do the same thing.

By moxy_fml | 0

#391 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:56

You should say something, being passive seems like a bad idea in your situation.

COMMENTS

By moxy_fml | 0

#391 - Friday 6 February 2009 17:56

You should say something, being passive seems like a bad idea in your situation.

killerviral | 0

#830832 - Saturday 6 February 2010 18:58

I woulda beat his ass infront of herlol

Master_Bait | 0

#990079 - Monday 10 May 2010 1:46

i woudve said WTFML

pedosmurf | 7

#4122763 - Monday 5 March 2012 5:40

I am confused if it was her fathers gf and then said his foot is the dads date a guy or girl?

Nissi | 17

#6532053 - Monday 8 February 2016 20:58

"my new girlfriend's father," meaning it wasn't OP's father.

By redroses5 | 0

#7659 - Thursday 26 February 2009 8:08

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaakward

stopreadingmynam | 0

#1047398 - Monday 28 June 2010 20:56

2, "awkward" has a w after the first a. srry, I'm a perfectionist.

FreshSalad | 1

#1184501 - Wednesday 4 August 2010 1:33

And yet, you can't spell "sorry" correctly.

lol32360 | 0

#1619297 - Friday 29 October 2010 4:57

WIN

Niki0308 | 0

#2209993 - Sunday 20 March 2011 7:17

he just forgot an O not that bad guys jeez!

TiNyBuBbLeZ | 0

#2223796 - Tuesday 22 March 2011 16:42

41, go troll somewhere else

yesmanddd | 4

#2335724 - Tuesday 12 April 2011 7:17

#52
well, #2 just forgot a w..

By Rilan | 0

#14149 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 9:42

Who were you seated by? I'm willing to bet it wasn't intended for you.

Karma495 | 0

#1788341 - Friday 3 December 2010 14:08

hehe

By FueledbyPanic32 | 0

#21697 - Sunday 8 March 2009 20:02

lmao @ #5, you should deff return the favour next time!

Lulu714 | 0

#1313232 - Saturday 28 August 2010 20:03

if ur #4 how could u lol at #5

yourWIFEandKIDS | 0

#1711600 - Tuesday 16 November 2010 21:22

Haha, nice job Captain Hind-Sight^^

By the_space_pope | 2

#40972 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 21:58

If I someday have a daughter, and I don't like the guy she's seeing, I'm going to do the same thing.

sequoi | 0

#442000 - Thursday 30 July 2009 7:59

LOL... Really??

xXDeadPoolXx | 0

#855445 - Sunday 14 February 2010 20:35

lol I would moan and creep the father out

MunChiChi | 0

#1858267 - Friday 17 December 2010 21:15

#34
OMGoodness. Dat Would Be Hillarious. Lmmfao!!

LizzieBvBfan | 5

#3070720 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 12:46

Thats very clever, I just thought the dad was strange but maybe he was intentionally trying to creep the guy out!

crazyjemjem | 6

#5465123 - Thursday 25 April 2013 23:02

Brilliant idea!

By diskincluded | 0

#47656 - Saturday 21 March 2009 17:17

Hey, the bright side is now you know he likes you!

By Dimaranien | 1

#49046 - Sunday 22 March 2009 2:57

He might've been trying to scare you away...

pompompom_fml | 0

#327544 - Sunday 21 June 2009 21:25

if that's true, scare him away with the same trick

By naku_fml | 0

#68106 - Sunday 29 March 2009 22:26

LMAOOO # 5 awesome
pervertttt!

By kefron | 0

#123918 - Sunday 19 April 2009 6:33

Awkward... Haha.

By qetzacoatl122112 | 0

#143690 - Sunday 26 April 2009 4:54

@ #5

So would I