Miscellaneous: Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/07/2013 04:59 - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 965

You deserved it 29 992

May Day: Lily of the Valley and Misunderstandings
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Same thing different taste

By cjw - 06/03/2013 00:07 - United States

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 583

You deserved it 4 317

By marisa - 05/01/2013 00:31 - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 228

You deserved it 4 310

By WasteOfTime - 01/11/2009 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 355

You deserved it 3 441

It's fine, I'll walk

By assholedad - 11/02/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 358

You deserved it 11 032

By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 398

You deserved it 4 208

Punk'd

By lululee53 - 31/12/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 280

You deserved it 49 809

By C. Kronick - 11/02/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 916

You deserved it 5 458

By Anonymous - 16/08/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 098

You deserved it 10 949

By Aerostar - 16/06/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 200

You deserved it 69 516

Street art

By German;) - 19/09/2019 04:00

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 237

Next

Top comments

lashes_to_ashes 14

Sunday 28 July 2013 12:11

Your wife is awesome.

DocBastard 38

Sunday 28 July 2013 13:14

No no, iPeterPan is right. You should always divorce your wife at the first sign of 1) anything wrong, 2) her being funnier than you, and 3) her being smarter than you. That's why I'm on wife #14.

Comments

doitlikeabrotha 10

Sunday 28 July 2013 13:38

Maybe you should have just got rid of the tache....

DrownedMyFish 18

Sunday 28 July 2013 13:41

Might as well embrace it and start buying candy.

pwnman 33

Sunday 28 July 2013 14:17

Made me laugh, and that is so pedorific!

mattman1 7

Sunday 28 July 2013 14:20

that's not terrible at all! your wife's f'ing hilarious! I'd just laugh and shave the peso attaché !

dnavar0 4

Sunday 28 July 2013 14:30

Nice I love this one

jw90 18

Sunday 28 July 2013 15:15

Shave the stache man!

dblogic 19

Sunday 28 July 2013 16:12

Your wife is ******* hilarious! I love it!

JasonUMN 15

Sunday 28 July 2013 16:17

Hopefully the paint washes off easily, otherwise you may as well get a new van.

aimeecuria 9

Sunday 28 July 2013 16:26

Props to your wife might steal that idea

mld4657 28

Sunday 28 July 2013 16:49

And the wife award of the year goes to her. That's brilliant. I would of done it also.

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Poopoo peepee Health Awkward Jewelry Kids Fight Family Love Students Relatable Work Birds Sleep Noise Animals Mental health Contraception Medication Racism Cheating Pregnancy Relationship advice Teenagers Friends Intimacy Sex Embarrassing Food Revenge Cats

The Top

Today, my dad, who never supported us growing up, and who calls once a month to collect his monthly living expenses, gave me an ultimatum: either buy him a plane ticket so that he can come live with me forever (he's a raging alcoholic) OR to send him $4,500 US Dollars (which where he lives is someone's 6 month salary). FML

I agree, your life sucks 530

You deserved it 105

Today, I began noticing a certain female name popping up on my husband’s social media notifications,so I asked him about it. He got irrationally upset at the fact that I pronounced her name wrong, told me she’s “nobody”, then said, “I hate it when you accuse me of shit!” I didn’t even accuse him of anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 574

You deserved it 76

The Top

Today, my boss sat me down to discuss the sounds my co-workers have heard coming from my cubicle. Apparently my music sounds like the background tracks from shitty soft-core porn movies. I'm getting a three day suspension while they go through all my files. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 216

You deserved it 5 273

Today, I resorted to buying some expensive flowers and sending them to my boss anonymously with a mysterious love letter, just to get her to lighten the hell up and stop constantly harassing and berating me over every little thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 231

You deserved it 2 496

Today, my grandmother passed away recently, and I moved in with my mother to support her. My two uncles and my cousin (a technician, photographer, and a theologist) who are in a joint venture wanted to discuss business. I felt like a loser, waiting in the other room, while they sat in my Management Consultancy office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 703

You deserved it 112

Today, after a night of no sleep due to severe depression for medical and unemployment reasons, my brother referred to a missed text from the family, saying sarcastically, "Say that you're isolating yourself without saying you're isolating yourself." Well, I wasn't before, but thanks for trying to talk me into it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 348

You deserved it 102

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 656

You deserved it 4 123

Today, I found out that my 15-year-old son is a prolific creator of My Little Pony themed hentai. I'm not a judgmental man, but he's probably going to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 899

You deserved it 8 642