Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my...

By Pimp Daddy - 30/4/2017 20:00

Today, my husband put "sexual favors" on the memo line for my contractor's check. His wife saw it and he had to quit mid-job. I'm stuck with a half-finished house and my husband thinks it's funny. FML

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Miscellaneous

Everyone's an expert

British Broadcasting Corporation

Long story short

By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 05:51 - United States - Waco

Today, after putting in 110% at my shitty job for two years straight, my boss told me point-blank I'm too good in my current position for him to ever be able to justify promoting me. FML

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By 86145 - 16/8/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my friends were all sharing sweet things their boyfriends had shared with them. After hearing "he says I look pretty without makeup" or "he promises we'll get married one day", I realized that the only compliment he's given me is that my laughter "sounds like a squirrel having a seizure." FML

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By Lisa - 9/11/2018 07:00 - United States - Sedalia

Today, I developed a roll of film I'd had sitting around for years. It was all images my ex had taken of him scrubbing his ass and toilet with my electric toothbrush, which I'd used for at least a month after our breakup. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2015 19:53 - United States - New Albany

Today, in my film class, we were watching Schindler's List. At least, we tried. The moron next to me kept interrupting the most intense scenes with a very loud, "I don't get it." Not only did she break the focus of the class, but we had to keep stopping the movie to explain it to her. FML

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By Clorpy - 30/3/2018 07:00

#priceless

Today, I was at the Kings Avalanche game in Denver. Anže Kopitar scored a hat trick and people threw hats in. Someone ripped my own hat off my head and tossed it on the ice. It was a gift from my dead grandparents with my name stitched onto it. I’ve had it for 15 years. FML

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By begging for air - 20/2/2014 17:45 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, I went to the arcade with my dad, and we decided to try out the hurricane simulator, which blasts 60mph air around in an enclosed space. My dad farted halfway through. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2016 13:00 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I'm so lazy, I dread getting up early on days that haven't arrived yet. For stuff I actually like doing, too. FML

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By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By m - 5/8/2012 00:44 - United States - South Whitley

Today, my mom's intense fear of tornadoes caused her to break into the bathroom, drag me off the toilet while I was changing my tampon, and drag me to the basement with my pants around my ankles to join my father, brother, and my brother's best friend. FML

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By southernluxe - 4/9/2011 09:36 - United States

Today, I got my first handjob. She ripped out a pube. It hurt so bad my eyes teared up. She asked what was wrong and not wanting to make her feel guilty I had to tell her it was "Just so good." FML

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By madmomma - 25/7/2012 19:46 - United States - Veneta

Today, my mom got a new puppy and named her Olivia. Which would be fine, if that wasn't the name I had been planning to give my baby, who's due in 3 weeks. Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2016 15:21 - Canada - Aurora

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob. It felt like she was skinning my dick alive with her teeth. I had to pretend to finish myself off in the bathroom and tell her it was because I didn't want her to have to swallow. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 12:00

Today, after a trip to the emergency room for severe stomach pain and almost passing out in the shower, I slipped on the wet bathroom floor and broke my two front teeth. FML

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By O_o - 9/2/2014 00:42 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, I had to explain to my husband why saving the condom from the first time we had sex is not romantic. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 22:00

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I went to pick up my last paycheck, since I was fired last week. My boss said he wasn't going to give it to me. I told him it's illegal not to, and he told me with a shit-eating grin, "What are you gonna do? Arrest me?" FML

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By helpme - 23/11/2015 17:00 - United States - Annapolis

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

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By stickygoober - 20/11/2018 15:00 - United States - Peoria

Today, my boss sent a message to a coworker saying, "We're putting all of you back on the phones because one of you can't stop watching Netflix so corporate thinks you guys don't do anything." That person was me. Everyone's pissed at me now. FML

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By tsu3 - 16/11/2009 15:14 - Germany

Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML

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By AnonUser464 - 8/1/2013 16:40 - United States

Today, my boss called me over to his office; he wanted me to fire four hardworking employees. One of them was the girl I was going to ask out. FML

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By kat124ever - 7/1/2013 08:35 - United States - Apo

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too "high maintenance". And that's because I ask him to use condoms when we have sex, and I refuse to invite my friends over for threesomes. I don't know why I'm not actually glad we are broken up. FML

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By ihatebeingacashier - 11/7/2016 21:06

Today, I handed a middle-aged woman her change of $0.75 with three quarters. She looked at the change bewildered and threw the coins down, asking if she thought I could get away with only giving her thirty cents. I had to explain to her how much a quarter is worth. FML

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By anditburnsburnsburns - 27/8/2013 18:13 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I was in a rush, so I was removing my nail polish while using the toilet. Everything was going fine, until I used the toilet paper in my hand to wipe. It was covered in nail polish remover. It still burns. FML

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By Kevin - 21/5/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

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By Electric Eddy - 22/5/2017 00:00

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

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By Ugh - 13/9/2015 06:03 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me that I moan too much when we have sex. I actually just fake my moans in an effort to cover the sound of my cracking hips. FML

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By daddydaughterWTF - 2/8/2012 00:06 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, after spending five years regaining contact with my estranged father, I finally met him. I tearfully dropped my luggage and ran to hug him. He belched and told me to get in the car, because he had diarrhea. FML

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By suxx - 25/6/2011 08:39 - United States

Today, I walked around for hours with a post-it on my back reading "I JUST HAD SEX!" My boyfriend stuck it on me. FML

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By Stan - 29/8/2011 21:19 - United States

Today, I was doing my jazz aerobics workout and accidentally kicked my 3 year old daughter in the face. Everyone we know, including my wife, thinks I beat her. FML

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By maybe time to adopt - 4/3/2018 15:00

Oops.

Today, after my wife and I have been trying for a baby for 2 years, I found out she's still on the pill. Apparently when she was a teen she had bad period cramps, so her doctor gave her the pill for the pain. She never realized it stops pregnancy. FML

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By pwndbykidz - 9/8/2009 23:54 - Canada

Today, I found out the hot girl I'd been flirting with on Facebook is actually 3 10-year-olds who created a fake profile to see how many desperate losers would try to hook up with her. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2010 18:18 - Singapore

Today, while I was having sex with my girlfriend, I was struck with a white-hot pain, and in the confusion thought her vagina had contracted hard. It turned out it was actually my uncircumcised penis retracting for the first time in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2011 20:55 - United States

Today, I found out that I was one point away from passing a state science exam. FML

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By courtnayy - 30/9/2013 14:47 - United States

Today, I got proposed to. I have been dating my boyfriend for 3 years and we have 2 kids. It was perfect, except it was my ex-boyfriend who proposed to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/3/2020 07:37

Slight overreaction?

Today, my husband and I recently decided not to have kids, because neither of us like children. Learning this, my dad wrote me out of his will and my mother swore on the Bible in church that she’s never going to speak to me again until I obey God's word and start multiplying. FML

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By fish killer - 25/3/2011 21:52 - United States

Today, my sister presented me with an "official pet killer" award after yet another goldfish under my care died of unknown causes. FML

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By danam - 5/7/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By ~Mr.Void - 9/10/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By Anon - 13/8/2009 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By pvcnutcrackingdomqueen4u - 16/8/2015 16:18 - United States - Monmouth Junction

Today, I went on a blind date. People always joke about how horrible Axe is, but this guy sprayed it on so thick that I genuinely had to fight to not retch the entire time. It was so bad that at one point I thought I was going to pass out. FML

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By farhia97 - 8/11/2011 02:14 - United States

Today, I learned how much it hurts to put a mint up your nose. FML

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Top comments

By Etweens96 | 24

#7446871 - Sunday 30 April 2017 20:02

I think you should make your husband do the work since he thinks it's so funny.

By gatorclay97 | 28

#7446877 - Sunday 30 April 2017 20:05

It is kinda funny

Comments

By Etweens96 | 24

#7446871 - Sunday 30 April 2017 20:02

I think you should make your husband do the work since he thinks it's so funny.

RockPrincess26 | 16

#7446910 - Sunday 30 April 2017 21:35

I agree. Let's see who laughs now.

Etweens96 | 24

#7446911 - Sunday 30 April 2017 21:36

Amen sista!

zeroramiro2 | 4

#7447058 - Monday 1 May 2017 2:14

Even better. Hire someone more expensive. It's hard to get a good price when the competition has been scared off.

By gatorclay97 | 28

#7446877 - Sunday 30 April 2017 20:05

It is kinda funny

By rodfergie | 18

#7446882 - Sunday 30 April 2017 20:07

His wife probably made him quit, because it was true before.

By TheyCallMeDamien | 17

#7446928 - Sunday 30 April 2017 21:56

What an a-hole!

A laugh isn't worth the cost of the time and money this hassle has caused.

By Glowworm56 | 25

#7446937 - Sunday 30 April 2017 22:15

Yeah, that's not funny. Make your husband finish the rest of that job you paid good money for.

By thunderniron | 22

#7446942 - Sunday 30 April 2017 22:23

How's your husband with a hammer and saw?

By mmjab | 4

#7446964 - Sunday 30 April 2017 23:04

your husband, but his wife saw it??

TellyJ34 | 10

#7446976 - Sunday 30 April 2017 23:15

she hired a contractor & the contractors wife saw the check that said "sexual favors" on it.

By praahe | 8

#7446996 - Sunday 30 April 2017 23:34

I really hope your husband went to the man's house and explained this to his wife. I'd had to think I ruined someone's marriage with a silly joke.

False_Stupidity | 41

#7447073 - Monday 1 May 2017 4:44

Yeah I really hope hubby mans up and set this one right, could cause the poor guy all kinds of problems if his wife thinks he is cheating.

By James C White II | 8

#7447071 - Monday 1 May 2017 4:33

Both funny and tragic. Even worse if there were sexual favors

By Pixiewolfe | 46

#7447268 - Monday 1 May 2017 13:26

This is a FML for both the contractor and you.
How insecure has his wife got to be to make him quit a paid job over a check?
I hope your husband sets the record straight!