Miscellaneous: Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo... - FML

By Anonymous - 28/07/2013 04:59 - United States

Today, because I refused to shave off what my wife calls my "pedo 'stache", she painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 965

You deserved it 29 992

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Same thing different taste

By cjw - 06/03/2013 00:07 - United States

Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 583

You deserved it 4 317

By marisa - 05/01/2013 00:31 - Ireland - Carlow

Today, I had to beg my husband not to shave his pubic hair into a handlebar moustache. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 228

You deserved it 4 310

By WasteOfTime - 01/11/2009 14:36 - United Kingdom

Today, as I stopped at a traffic light, I noticed the man in the car next to me break out in laughter. I pulled over later on to see that someone had drawn a large penis on the side of my van. I then spent all my morning cleaning it off. I went outside later only to see someone had redrawn it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 355

You deserved it 3 441

It's fine, I'll walk

By assholedad - 11/02/2015 21:00 - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 358

You deserved it 11 032

By idontevenlikebuttsthatmuch - 18/12/2012 21:44 - United States - Mesa

Today, I noticed my wife put a bumper sticker on our car that says "Cowboy butts drive me nuts." I've driven that car to work every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 398

You deserved it 4 208

Punk'd

By lululee53 - 31/12/2010 00:07 - United States

Today, after spotting my ex-boyfriend's truck in a desolate parking lot, I decided to "decorate" the muddy side of it with a rather large male appendage. After checking around me to make sure there were no witnesses, I got to work. I probably should have made sure he wasn't sitting in the truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 280

You deserved it 49 809

By C. Kronick - 11/02/2009 05:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 916

You deserved it 5 458

By Anonymous - 16/08/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 098

You deserved it 10 949

By Aerostar - 16/06/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, we had our divorce hearing and now it is final. As we were leaving the courthouse, I told my ex-wife how happy I was that we were finally free from each other. Then my junky old van wouldn't start and I had to beg her for a ride home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 200

You deserved it 69 516

Street art

By German;) - 19/09/2019 04:00

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 358

You deserved it 237

Next

Top comments

lashes_to_ashes 14

Sunday 28 July 2013 12:11

Your wife is awesome.

DocBastard 38

Sunday 28 July 2013 13:14

No no, iPeterPan is right. You should always divorce your wife at the first sign of 1) anything wrong, 2) her being funnier than you, and 3) her being smarter than you. That's why I'm on wife #14.

Comments

150493x 29

Monday 29 July 2013 16:06

Your wife is a legend

unixdude 9

Monday 29 July 2013 18:43

Step one: find young cooch on Craigslist Step two: bring cooch home, tied up Step three: profit (or divorce)

MateRicks 18

Tuesday 30 July 2013 0:38

Ok

longlivemetal911 15

Tuesday 30 July 2013 1:51

I thought it was quite funny to be honest. Was anyone else reminded of Carl's "rape van", from Workaholics?

mali90 5

Wednesday 31 July 2013 1:58

she's evil as hell but brilliant

tjnaprincess 8

Saturday 3 August 2013 17:42

Your wife sounds awesome tbh OP

gatorgirl2669 6

Sunday 4 August 2013 13:16

roflmao.... hell to the naw... you shoulda done what she asked you to so... smdh

jadevv 12

Wednesday 14 August 2013 15:28

Best wife ever

BeautyBaby099 18

Sunday 22 September 2013 22:27

Your wife's like the most amazing person

r12m13 6

Monday 8 December 2014 17:32

Get a divorce

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The Top

Today, and every time I try to talk to my mother about being a lesbian, she just says in the most condescending way, "Oh no you're not sweetie, it’s just a phase." The "phase" has lasted 17 years, including marrying my wife and adopting twin sons, but sure, it’s “just a phase.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 730

You deserved it 229

Today, I got called in for a second job interview for a position I'd applied for. When I met the interviewer, she smiled and told me to have a seat. She pulls out her phone and says, “So, care to explain this?” It was one of my TikToks from ages ago of me singing the "N-word" over and over again. I forgot I had that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 918

The Top

Today, my boyfriend turned down a shower with me because he didn't want to get his hair wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 563

You deserved it 6 053

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I sat on an unopened folding chair to avoid the effort of opening it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 826

You deserved it 100 655

Today, my thighs started chafing 3 hours before the end of my work shift. Now they burn no matter what I do. I still have an 8-hour shift tomorrow and I can barely walk. To make it worse, my mom's only words of advice involved me losing weight so it "doesn't happen again". FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 632

You deserved it 883

Today, my husband woke up, tried walking to the bathroom, fell down, got back up and started peeing on the carpet. I’ve never seen him this drunk before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 267

You deserved it 165

Today, I went to a rock concert and met this amazing girl. We started talking and then swapped cell numbers. Five minutes later, she asks to see my cellphone, so I gave it to her. Once I got home I went to text her and saw that she deleted her number. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 778

You deserved it 5 667

Today, I dropped my toothbrush. Because I have the spatial awareness of a mentally-retarded gnat, I hit my head against the sink as I bent down to get it. Then I did the same on the way back up, almost KO'ing myself. My boyfriend saw the whole thing and nearly pissed himself laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 468

You deserved it 4 787