Miscellaneous: Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard... - FML

By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, at a family reunion, my visibly drunk grandparents heard about my new boyfriend, who is a cop. My gran asked if he ever made me feel like Rodney King in the bedroom. Then my grandpa, fresh off a DUI, asked if my boyfriend's dick is as bent as the police force. FML

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Serious times

Season finale

One law for me…

By Dv0829 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

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By Randomm

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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By silly_billy - United States

Today, I was eating lunch with my wife. We were having a nice time when a man came up to me. He said, "Hey! Bill how are you?" I wasn't really sure, so being polite I said, "I'm sorry, I can't remember your name." He frowned and walked away. It was my company's Chairman of the Board. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2020 08:00

Frustrated

Today, after 10-plus years of marriage, my husband still gets off after 5 minutes. I find myself just wanting to just go down on him, instead of being unsatisfied right when I start to get into it myself. FML

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By JGarz - United States - Tucson

Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

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By Ughhhhh - United States - Stockton

Today, I purpose woke up early so that I could be prepared for a class taught by a professor who thinks I'm an idiot. This professor was the first to tell me that I'm 2 hours early and asked very slowly if I know how schedules worked. She seriously sounded concerned. FML

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By Anonymous

Abandoned

Today, I found a baby in a cradle on my doorstep. I was shocked that someone would do this, so I picked it up and uncovered the baby. It was actually a rudimentary stink bomb that went off in my face when I uncovered it. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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By Eyefreshener - United States

Today, I was at a friend's house. She has one of those automatic air fresheners, and I was amazed when it went off. To get a better look at it, I got real close to it. I saw a button and pressed it. The air freshener went off again, spraying nothing but my eye. FML

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By jonh_215 - United States

Today, as a going away present after five years of military service and one combat tour, the hospital scheduled me for a prostate exam. FML

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By ring-a-ding-ding - United States - Sparks

Today, at work, due to a mix up, I had to call an answering service. I am also from an answering service. We got the problem fixed but I couldn't hang up due to company policy. She couldn't hang up either. We both had to get our supervisors for permission to hang up. FML

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By nhanley1 - United States

Today, my cell phone broke. It wouldn't even turn on. I went online to access my account so that I could order a new phone. I couldn't remember my password. The phone company had an option of "forgot my password". Upon clicking I get a message saying "Your password will be sent to your phone". FML

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By FreshDonuts - United States - Antioch

Today, my girlfriend said she was going to start appreciating the little things in life. She's starting with my penis. FML

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By Takegami - United States - Norge

Today, I realized how alone I truly was when I caught myself talking to a podcast. FML

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By Dan - United States

Today, I got a call from my ex asking if I could fix her computer. I brought my 7 year old son with me. On the way I told him, how I hated her, but I can't be rude. Once we get there, I say to her "it's nice to see you." My son says "but I thought you said you want her to fall off a bridge?" FML

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By DeadDude

Today, I took my kids to the doctor. In the waiting room, a six year old boy walked up to me, punched me in the crotch, and ran away with my glasses. When the kid's parents made him give me my glasses back, he spat on them. FML

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By Nosmie

Today, the worst part about not having a sense of smell is that I can’t tell if anyone ate pizza without me. Unless I see an empty box in the trash. FML

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By FOXYgrandpa441 - United States - Casper

Today, I was getting lunch at a fast food restaurant. My boss was in front of me, and in order to get on his good side I offered to pay. Instead, I got fired because I guess my boss assumed I was making fun of his salary, which I knew nothing about. FML

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By foutu - France

Today, while my wife was watching me get undressed she said "Bloody hell, you really are getting a beer belly. And it makes your already tiny willy look even tinier." All her accusations are true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went down to my grandparents' house to spend some time with them. I was in the guest room when I noticed a box in the corner of the closet labelled "Crap". I opened up the box to see my Dad's John Elway Autographed Football in it. I got it for him for Christmas, it cost me $600. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my boyfriend's head was on my lap. I bent down to kiss him. My stomach rolls got there first. FML

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By thanks sis - United States - Reading

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

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By BAMashleyx3

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By hate enough to kill... - Netherlands - Stevensweert

Today, I witnessed my mother-in-law reach into my wife's purse and practically empty it out into her pocket. When I confronted her and called my wife into the room, both of them accused me of lying through my teeth, because I've always hated her. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I told my girlfriend that I'm breaking up with her because she's very abusive. After a couple of seconds of awkward silence, she kicked me in the nuts and ran away. FML

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By brokeasajoke - United States - El Reno

Today, an old man looked me dead in the eyes as he reached into my tip jar, grabbed the money, and then walked out of the store as if nothing ever happened. I was so shocked that I couldn't do anything to stop him. FML

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By please stay on the line

Today, I was sitting in the break room when my boss came in and yelled at me about a mistake. Because I've worked in customer service for years, I instinctively responded with, "I'm terribly sorry to hear that, sir. I hope you'll still consider us in the future." FML

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By Anonymous - Estonia

Today, I realized that not only did my parents not get me anything for Christmas, they also stole the $500 my grandparents gave me to buy a computer. FML

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By fuggers :/ - United Kingdom - Basingstoke

Today, my workplace had a big employee photoshoot for an ad campaign. I was there all of 30 seconds before the photographer said, "What the fuck? Look guys, this ain't an ad for facial abortions." He then asked me and another colleague to step out of the shot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

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By Unknown - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

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By

That's a mother

Today, my mom and I got into a fight about a topic we agreed on. Seems like we're destined to never get along. FML

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By Hannah - Australia - Caulfield North

Today, my boyfriend dumped me, accusing me of lying to him about "being a hermaphrodite". His almost total lack of knowledge about female anatomy led him to believe that my clitoris is actually an extremely tiny penis. FML

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By 1234 - United States - Lutz

Today, when I turned on the TV, there was a picture of a wanted murderer. The picture looked just like my boyfriend. FML

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By catgiraffegirl - United States

Today, I had to inform my roommate that dry shampoo, deodorant, and perfume are not the same as a shower. It's been two weeks. FML

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By fml - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I took my 2-year-old son to the ear doctor, since he'd stopped responding whenever I call him. The doctor told me that his ears are just fine. He's just ignoring me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I introduced my dad, who is a surgeon, to the TV show House. I thought it'd be a good bonding experience. How wrong I was. He spent the whole time yelling about the "insane" medical inaccuracies, then lectured me about my crappy taste in TV. FML

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By niccy - United States

Today, my neighbor came up to me, lowered her voice and said, "I suggest you buy some drapes for your bedroom dear..." When she started to walk away, she added, "...and a gym membership." FML

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By skrumpp

Today, I had a text message when I woke up. I was excited as I usually don't get texts from people. Turns out it was from T-Mobile. They text me more than actual people do. FML

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By wot02 - United States

Today, my long distance boyfriend got angry because I like touching myself while we sext. It "distracts" me from him. I'm sorry you turn me on. FML

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Top comments

By Pleonasm | 34

#5536680 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

The Long Arm of the Law bends many ways.

By xlord | 27

#5536689 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:06

Granny and grandpa are still rebels fighting 'the man.'

COMMENTS

By Pleonasm | 34

#5536680 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

The Long Arm of the Law bends many ways.

Reply

Damian95 | 16

#5536872 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:33

Well that's a crooked statement.

Reply

TourettesGuyFTW | 25

#5537196 - Sunday 16 June 2013 9:01

^Stop twisting his words.

Reply

Qwermy | 16

#5537809 - Sunday 16 June 2013 21:40

Best penis name ever.

By xlord | 27

#5536689 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:06

Granny and grandpa are still rebels fighting 'the man.'

By jojimugo | 20

#5536698 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:10

Grandparents + alcohol + new partner is never a good mix

Reply

yetanotherginger | 19

#5536752 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:42

*always. It's *always* a good mix. That's why we come to this site

By Kashaqueetrah | 12

#5536703 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:11

Well is it?

Reply

KINGVELEZ77 | 4

#5537004 - Sunday 16 June 2013 5:52

Freak

Reply

ShadowNinja445 | 12

#5537671 - Sunday 16 June 2013 19:05

Says the guy with KINGVELEZ77 as their username.

By chanellgymnast | 17

#5536707 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:12

Grannies strikes again!

Reply

iammeorami | 25

#5537039 - Sunday 16 June 2013 6:04

no

By IAmJad | 18

#5536710 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:13

Good question.

By ironichalibut | 24

#5536713 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:13

Society has become so odd. Looking to the horizon, it looks to only get weirder. Buckle in people, there's a long, crazy road ahead.

Reply

ShadowNinja445 | 12

#5537675 - Sunday 16 June 2013 19:06

WEEEEEEEEE!

By astralvagan | 20

#5536714 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:14

At least they didn't ask him if he wanted to be in a "senior sandwich"

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5537065 - Sunday 16 June 2013 6:22

Nasty vision coming through! Must bleach brain NOW!

By SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#5536715 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:14

Oh grandparents and their lack of filters on their thoughts. it's pretty admirable in my opinion.

By AHappyGoth | 14

#5536718 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:14

Well the family cookouts should be interesting, at least.