Intimacy: Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered...

By woof woof?? - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

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Intimacy

BO Central

Not now!

Summertime sadness

By Disappointed - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a lanyard for my new car keys. "Epic Fail" was printed on it. Not two hours after getting it and putting my keys on it, I locked them in my car. I don't have a spare. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was driving to work and I got a text from my girlfriend. She said she was breaking up with me. I was a little heartbroken, but I had to get on with my day. I got to work and my boss fired me. Turns out, my boss and girlfriend have been having an affair and she told him to fire me. FML

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By ashleynicolle - United States

Today, I gave my grandparents my old cell to use since they needed an upgrade. I thought I had deleted everything until I received a text from my grandmother. It was a vagina shot I had taken for my fiancé with a message that said "You need to wear more makeup". FML

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By MR - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coraopolis

Today, the boy who sits next to me in class accidentally dropped his sketch pad. It turns out he's really talented at drawing portraits. They're so good that I could recognize myself in all of them. FML

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By kas - United States

Today, I was on my way home when I saw a cop hiding behind a Budget truck. I immediately slowed down and prayed that he wouldn't give me a ticket. Then I realized I was walking. FML

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By Username - France

Today, my friend bet everyone at my lunch table that no one could catch the fly that was flying around our table. I reached up and caught it. It was a wasp, and it stung me. FML

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By Bacon0426 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By cass - United States

Today, is my high school graduation. Last night I read online that you can use apple cider vinegar to help with head dandruff, so I tried it out. Now, no matter how much product or perfume I use, I still smell like a giant walking fart. My graduation is in a couple of hours. FML

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By dontask

Today I was stalking my Bumble match’s Instagram feed before I said hello. I went to tap for sound on a video of him getting his backside tattooed but accidentally double tapped and liked the video. Sound turned on and I realized I liked a video of him farting. Couldn’t say hello after that. FML.

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By Bubbilility - 26/12/2020 20:02 - Australia

Spreading

Today, my mother called me from the other side of the world to tell me she's got Covid. She got it from a friend, who later told her that they had attended anti-mask rallies. She's only been visiting her friend because she needs internet to keep working and can't get it where she is. FML

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By tramplily - United States

Today, I was driving home and got a phone call from my mom. She called to tell me that there was a cop at the bottom of our hill, and to be careful. I got a ticket for talking on my cell phone while driving. FML

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By cakestar9 - Ireland - Ennis

Today, I went to a club to celebrate New Year's Eve. A cute guy came up to me at the bar and asked my name. I thought my 8 year long dry spell was finally about to end. I smiled and said "Chrissy!" He said "That's a whore's name!" and wandered back off into the crowd. FML

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By mommyfairy - United States

Today, I realized that my boss is able to read all the emails my coworker and I send each other. Most of them are about how she is such a shitty boss. FML

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By lonelyheart4ever - United States - Norman Park

Today, a man finally was flirting with me in a supermarket checkout lane, even offering to help unload my groceries onto the conveyor. Turns out he was just distracting everyone so his partner in crime could steal $200 from the cash register. I had to give a witness statement to the manager. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, on the train, a man kept grabbing my crotch. When I told him to stop, I got yelled at for harassing an elderly man. FML

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By Guy - United States - O Fallon

Today, the man who fired me from my job became my stepfather. FML

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By mrmidi - United States

Today, I learned two important facts: #1 A grown man can, in fact, get beaten up by a teenage girl, and #2 If someone is convinced you are someone else, there is no telling them otherwise. FML

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By Tiffer27 - United States

Today, I went to a very important job interview. I was so nervous that I passed out right in front of the interviewer's desk. FML

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By chickfilady

Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/7/2020 02:01

Empty gestures

Today, my boss held a staff meeting to talk about how the Covid-19 pandemic has made us stronger, that all of us are family. Later, my car broke down after work, she drove by, saw me stranded on the road and we made eye contact. I thought she was going to help me, but she drove right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Purchase

Today, I was having a relaxing "wank", as they might say on Doctor Who, when a large spider descended from its web and came practically eye-to-eye with me. I screamed like a bitch and fell off my bed, pants around my ankles. Then my sister ran in to see what was wrong. FML

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By lockedoutbabysitter - United States

Today, I was babysitting. Being kind, I went to grab their mail, while their 4 year old ate lunch. He locked me out, wrecked the house, and let me in right when he saw their car two hours later. I didn't get paid. I paid them. FML

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By ihatelaura - United States

Today, I had to clean my boyfriend's puke off of our bed. Last night he ditched me to go out partying, came home, threw up, and passed out. He thinks it's only fair I clean up today because he's "not feeling well". FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2020 11:02

Yeah, just blame me!

Today, after I found out my husband cheated on me and then yesterday had to stop him from trying to kill himself, he's now moved out and has decided that this is all my fault. FML

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By sadNsingle

Today, my boyfriend of 7 years and I broke up right before my sister's wedding, because he didn't want to be there when we found out he gave the both of us an STD. FML

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By CombatShadow45 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of three years on a romantic picnic to the park, so I could propose to her. The moment was just right, I made my move. I knelt down on one knee and asked her. Her response was "you're kneeling in dog poop." I looked down. She was right. FML

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By need_cash_now - United States

Today, six weeks before my wedding, my mother decided to claim that she never agreed on paying for it and that she doesn't think she will. Now I have six weeks to scavenge enough cash for the wedding she planned in the first place. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I have to defend my client in court. The defense that my client wants me to use is, "It's not a robbery if you have swag" and then goes on saying, "The judge is bound to let me go after he sees my swag." FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, after having been told that I looked horrible for the last five months, I decided to give myself a make-over. As soon as the make-up artist was done, I told her I didn't like it, and that I still didn't like how I look. She simply replied: ''Well, I'm a make-up artist, not a magician!'' FML

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By sasquatch21 - Bahrain

Today, I realized that my husband has a video games addiction. I am currently pregnant; he brought us to the same country he's in so we can finally live together, only for me to witness him being glued to his laptop all day and all night playing WoW. He's forgotten I even existed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I argued with my girlfriend over her constantly wasting our money on acupuncture. She said if I could prove it was baloney, she would stop. After I showed her copious amounts of scientific proof debunking it as pseudo-science, she told me we're "taking a break" from our relationship. FML

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By Ashley Marshburn - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Binghamton

Today, while mowing the lawn, I ran over a hornet's nest. FML

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By Dr_Dolittle - United Kingdom

Today, my young son swung a plastic pipe, it makes a kind of whistling sound as it spins around. I was standing a little too close, luckily it missed both my legs, but hit my happy sacks full on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called a wrong number. Calling back the right person, I began a long story about how I'd just called the wrong number. It was the wrong number lady again. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went home with a guy I met at the bar. I warned him that I was on my period, but he said it was fine. Not only was the sex awful, I woke up to find that he'd smeared period blood on my face in the dark. FML

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Top comments

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#5536682 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:04

Did you like his bone?

By MEM0817 | 18

#5536676 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

And that's when you put him in the dog house....

COMMENTS

By MEM0817 | 18

#5536676 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

And that's when you put him in the dog house....

punjabtimelord | 18

#5536728 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:23

You should offer to do it doggystyle ;D

that_band_nerd | 22

#5536749 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:40

And don't forget to mention that even the dog can't sleep on the couch.

Ian7890 | 23

#5536758 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:54

Did you guys read this right? He's pretending the girlfriend is the dog, not the boyfriend.

tylermt1999 | 17

#5536771 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:10

syki | 22

#5536807 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:41

Yeah, and they're turning the insult back around.

websphere69 | 27

#5536912 - Sunday 16 June 2013 5:05

who let the dog out..,,

Angel_Cacey | 7

#5537758 - Sunday 16 June 2013 20:10

Lick him..leave as much slobber as possible

By Q10 | 5

#5536677 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

Who's a good girl?

TrueDragons | 2

#5536697 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:10

Op's boyfriend is pretty awesome.

shimmering | 9

#5537387 - Sunday 16 June 2013 14:02

Lol. Why did this get many dislikes?

By lolnothanks | 18

#5536681 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:04

Poor op:c must be so ruff

Damian95 | 16

#5536869 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:32

Life's a bitch like that.

ositoakaluis | 16

#5536892 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:46

I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks

theworldismad | 10

#5536907 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:59

or it could've been a treat

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#5536682 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:04

Did you like his bone?

By rita0ral | 8

#5536684 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:05

Atta girl

By ironichalibut | 24

#5536687 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:05

I guess you could say you two do it, *puts on sunglasses* .. Doggystyle..

By Pleonasm | 34

#5536690 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:06

At least he didn't ask you "Who's a good bitch? You want your bone? Want me to take you to the pound?"

SokDek | 14

#5537101 - Sunday 16 June 2013 6:51

ahh ye olde pound town. Quite a pleasant place.

By jojimugo | 20

#5536692 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:08

So basically you're his B.....

syki | 22

#5536808 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:43

You know, the joke doesn't work when you don't have the balls to write out the whole word.....

Iceman225 | 11

#5536848 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:20

shaddap.

By golden_warrior | 23

#5536694 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:09

Who let the dog out? Woof Woof

By jnanderson | 16

#5536699 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:11

Was the sex a real treat?