Intimacy: Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered...

By woof woof?? - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, I was making love to my boyfriend, when he discovered that if he hits a certain area just right, my leg starts shaking like a dog. Now he won't stop patting my head and saying, "Who's a good girl?!" FML

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Intimacy

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

And today, on Dr Phil…

All for nothing

By Anonymous

Today, I met my favourite singer, but when she signed my CD, the marker was out of ink. By the time I realised there was no signature, she was already gone. FML

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By ribbonsundone - United States

Today, I treated my friends to lunch at a posh restaurant because it's my birthday. While we were walking leisurely around the mall afterwards, their boyfriends showed up. I spent the next few hours walking alone behind them while they were walking hand in hand with their boyfriends. FML

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By jalopenos - United Kingdom

Today, my friend had to leave work early for a funeral and on his way out I wanted to say something. All I could think of was "have fun". FML

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By Anonymous - Zimbabwe

Today, I rushed to a dentist's appointment. Once in the chair, I apologized for not having had the time to brush my teeth beforehand. He responded with, "Ah that's alright, I just took a piss and forgot to wash my hands." FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2021 14:01

Great family you've got there

Today, my wife, who recently had cancer, made an offhand comment that my 30-year-old sister took offense to. Instead of saying something, she went and called our parents. My dad then called and yelled at me for 5 minutes about it. FML

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By anotherfmladdict - United States - Muscatine

Today, my 15-year-old daughter said she wanted to become a "baby name expert". I chortled, until I looked it up. They actually exist. FML

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By stupidprankster - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to scare my dad for once, since he has scared me for fun dozens of times. It would have been funny, had he not punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom noticed the hickey that I have on my neck. Embarrassed, I tried convincing her that I burnt myself using a hair straightener. She then told me that that's the same excuse she told my grandma when she got a hickey. FML

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By And yes, he does also believe in the Illuminati.

Today, I learned that my new boyfriend seriously thinks that Inglorious Bastards is historically accurate and is actually the secret history of World War 2 being revealed to the public. Nothing I say will make him change his mind. I guess that relationship is a goner. FML

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By Haze - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, my parents finally fulfilled my childhood dream and got a puppy, after years of me nagging at them. The only downside is that I no longer live at home and he's not mine. FML

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By Fucked. - 26/4/2021 07:59

Oh nooooo

Today, my supervisor at work is now my father-in-law. My girlfriend told me that. FML

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By jilted - United States

Today, my husband of 9 years announced he was gay. He insinuated that he was only able to achieve erections because I looked like a man. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while serving a rather large party at the restaurant where I work, I mentioned that the soup of the day was "to die for". After the hosts gave me weird looks, it dawned on me that the reason they were wearing all black is because they've just come back from a funeral. FML

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By iscreamforicecream - United States

Just a prank, bro

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, workers came to my house to fix residual moisture damage in my walls left behind by Hurricane Irma. Said workers then burst a water pipe and flooded my entire apartment in the time it took figure out how to turn it off. FML

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By Messiahman - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

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By Chemist-why - United States - San Francisco

Today, my fiancé and I were having sex. In the middle of it he said, "I want us to be covalent bonds". I didn't understand what he meant, and he actually stopped to explain it to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland - Zurich

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend, when things got a little frisky and we started making out. It was my first time French-kissing, and apparently he has a very sensitive gag reflex, because the moment my tongue went in, he started retching, and vomited moments later. FML

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By peterpan - Germany

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

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By Whoops - France

Today, my boyfriend and I were having a make-out session in the backseat of his car, when we heard a voice coming from his pants. Who did he pocket dial? My house. At midnight, when I was supposed to be home. FML

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By popeye - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

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By noway - United States - San Francisco

Today, a girl asked me to check out her left breast, which she said she'd found a strange lump on. I'm an orthodontist. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of over a year told me that he will never marry me because we are different ethnicities and his parents don't approve. I was of course very upset and crying. His way to comfort me was by saying, "Don't worry, I will always cheat on my wife with you." FML

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By Blie

Today, I was so drunk that I pissed myself in a hotel hallway while wearing a dress. My shoes squished all the way back to the room. FML

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By Sorry - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, it's my birthday. I've spent most of it apologizing to my parents for the "hassle" of "having" to arrange a simple birthday dinner. Sorry I was born, guys. FML

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By "Audrey Harmon"

Today, my sister tackled me by the leg in a game of frisbee. I now know the unique sensation of a knee dislocating. It is not a beautiful one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

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By thatwasembarrassing

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mentor

Today, my daughter got her first period. Nobody was home but my husband. He didn't know what to do, except give her a sponge to put in her underwear. FML

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By guiltyschuldig49

Boozehound alert

Today, I'm exhausted. For the second time, my fiancé and I have pulled my future sister-in-law off the pavement naked and drunk at 3 a.m. and couldn't find the purse or glasses she had with her. She’s hungover and has completely blacked out what happened. Never again giving her a place to crash. FML

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By coloneltushfinger

Today, I did the best at-home manicure I’ve ever had. I took my time and it looked like it was done professionally. As soon as I put on the top coat and waited for it to dry, my stomach rumbled and I had to run to take a dump. The polish smeared everywhere, ruining the whole thing. FML

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By Carowl

Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't like cuddling in bed because he hates rebreathing his own carbon dioxide. FML

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By Anna - United States

Today, I called my dad at his new wife's house to inform him I was all set to graduate from community college with my associates degree and that we needed to sit down and plan how to pay for the 4 year degree. To which he replied "all a girl needs is an associates degree". Thanks dad. FML

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By TrueStories - United States

Today, I went to a football sleepover with all of my teammates. I felt something near the bottom of my sleeping bag, and I pulled it up with my foot. My entire team watched me pull out a red thong. My parents had been on a camping trip the week before. FML

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By Alin

Today, I slept alone again in bed. After travelling 15000 km across the world to be with my long-distance husband, he has refused to kiss or hug me in the week I've been here. I never thought I would be in a sexless marriage. FML

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By sohungry - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2020 05:02 - Germany

Two states of matter

Today, I learned that is it possible to be constipated and have diarrhea at the same time. You run to the toilet every half-hour, but almost nothing comes out and you feel so bloated you could burst, while eating almost nothing. FML

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By arthur - New Zealand

Today, my boss phoned me and asked me why I wasn't at work. I was in the staff room. I said hello to her as I came in the door. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were going to shower together, things were getting heated until we actually got into the shower and found my roommates fingernail clippings all over the place. FML

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Top comments

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#5536682 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:04

Did you like his bone?

By MEM0817 | 18

#5536676 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

And that's when you put him in the dog house....

COMMENTS

By MEM0817 | 18

#5536676 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

And that's when you put him in the dog house....

punjabtimelord | 18

#5536728 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:23

You should offer to do it doggystyle ;D

that_band_nerd | 22

#5536749 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:40

And don't forget to mention that even the dog can't sleep on the couch.

Ian7890 | 23

#5536758 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:54

Did you guys read this right? He's pretending the girlfriend is the dog, not the boyfriend.

tylermt1999 | 17

#5536771 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:10

syki | 22

#5536807 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:41

Yeah, and they're turning the insult back around.

websphere69 | 27

#5536912 - Sunday 16 June 2013 5:05

who let the dog out..,,

Angel_Cacey | 7

#5537758 - Sunday 16 June 2013 20:10

Lick him..leave as much slobber as possible

By Q10 | 5

#5536677 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:03

Who's a good girl?

TrueDragons | 2

#5536697 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:10

Op's boyfriend is pretty awesome.

shimmering | 9

#5537387 - Sunday 16 June 2013 14:02

Lol. Why did this get many dislikes?

By lolnothanks | 18

#5536681 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:04

Poor op:c must be so ruff

Damian95 | 16

#5536869 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:32

Life's a bitch like that.

ositoakaluis | 16

#5536892 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:46

I guess you can teach old dogs new tricks

theworldismad | 10

#5536907 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:59

or it could've been a treat

By BubbleGrunge | 18

#5536682 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:04

Did you like his bone?

By rita0ral | 8

#5536684 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:05

Atta girl

By ironichalibut | 24

#5536687 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:05

I guess you could say you two do it, *puts on sunglasses* .. Doggystyle..

By Pleonasm | 34

#5536690 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:06

At least he didn't ask you "Who's a good bitch? You want your bone? Want me to take you to the pound?"

SokDek | 14

#5537101 - Sunday 16 June 2013 6:51

ahh ye olde pound town. Quite a pleasant place.

By jojimugo | 20

#5536692 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:08

So basically you're his B.....

syki | 22

#5536808 - Sunday 16 June 2013 3:43

You know, the joke doesn't work when you don't have the balls to write out the whole word.....

Iceman225 | 11

#5536848 - Sunday 16 June 2013 4:20

shaddap.

By golden_warrior | 23

#5536694 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:09

Who let the dog out? Woof Woof

By jnanderson | 16

#5536699 - Sunday 16 June 2013 2:11

Was the sex a real treat?