Animals: Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat...

By cdn_steed - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

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Animals

Break time

That took a dark turn…

Seize the means

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom walks into my room, with a serious look on her face asks me "When a man is getting it from behind, the man on top orgasms, but what happens to the man on bottom? Do you think he takes care of himself or what?" Hand motions were included. FML

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By rattlingfloorboards - United States

Today, a Karate dojo opened under my apartment. It's like living in a Bruce Lee movie. FML

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By owned - Singapore

Today, I turned 18. My parents gave me a card that read "now that you're 18, it's time for some boozy fun... you can do all the things you did before but legally!" Taped to the inside was my fake id that I "lost" three months ago. FML

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By Jeweler - United States

Today, my mom put some bubblewrap on my desk because she thought I would have fun with it. I'm 18. It was awesome. FML

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By cole - United States

Today, I got approached by a hot young lady in a bar. After joking around for a few minutes she said "hey I love your jacket, where'd you get that?". I then told her that it's actually a replica of the Indiana Jones jacket. This is when she remembered that she "had to go somewhere". FML

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By apaterra - United States - Washington

Today, I had to come up with a new rule for my library's patrons: If you, your child, or your dog has thrown up on our books, we DON'T WANT THEM BACK. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I work for the local fire department. I had a long call and I was hot and sweaty. I decided to skinny dip in my pool because it was still dark out. Everything went great untill my flood light went on and my dad ran out with a bat. I got smacked in the side with a baseball bat. FML

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By RectalSteve - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I showed my girlfriend some old home videos of me as a kid. My dad must have taped over one though, because halfway through it cut to extremely graphic footage of his colonoscopy. FML

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By wheresthelove - United States

Today, I came home to find my Dad cheating on his new wife of six weeks. With my own mother who was supposedly dating "a real catch". Should I be happy that my parents love each other or pissed off that they're both whores? I can't decide. FML

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By TatooFAIL - United States

Today, I found out that the phrase I got tattooed on my lower back is misspelled. FML

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By charliebravo77 - United States

Slippery

Today, I drove into the parking lot at work, and discovered too late that there were patches of ice everywhere. As I turned to enter my usual spot, I lost control of the vehicle, and despite my pleas, praying, and profanity, it glided straight into my boss's car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Savage

Today, I finally got to conduct my first questioning of a suspect, who had been arrested in connection with a car theft. As I recited the Miranda warning to him, my mind went totally blank, and after a few seconds, he sarcastically continued the speech for me. FML

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By purged - United States - Mechanicsville

Today, my boyfriend and I watched the new movie "The Purge." After the movie, I jokingly asked him that if the U.S. had such a purge in real life, would he participate, and who would he kill first. Without missing a beat, he said, "you." FML

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By Hatilic_

Today, my idiot of a boss yelled at me because it's physically impossible for me to be in two places at the same time, and that I'm not a magician. He didn't understand that. FML

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By samadams42 - United States

Today, my mom said she wanted me to get laser eye surgery before she did, "Just in case it isn't safe." FML

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By notfuckingpaidenough - United States - San Leandro

Today, a man tried to rob the store I work at. Before the guy was taken by the cops, he complained to my manager for "unfriendly behavior". He took it seriously and bitched me out for not providing "quality service" to our customers. FML

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By dani - United States - Dayton

Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

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By LustyDragon

Today, my husband won't shave his beard, despite the fact it grows in wiry and looks like pubic hair. He is now accusing me of "not loving him for who he is." FML

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By Stevarious - United States - Sacramento

Today, I was finally starting to relax after a stressful and expensive move, where I had to give up half my belongings and furniture, as well as my cat. All the stress came rushing back as my new landlord told me that he's selling the building and I've got 30 days to vacate. FML

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By anon - United States - Arlington

Today, I decided I would actually make use of my apartment complex's exercise equipment. My routine consisted of one mile on the treadmill, and 15 minutes on the toilet followed by 10 minutes of lying in the fetal position on my bath mat. Great core workout. FML

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By ohgosh1428

Today, in Las Vegas, after taking my drunk dad and his drunk friend to their respective hotel rooms, I realised that I, 16 years-old, am the responsible one. FML

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By HenryRollinsForPresident - United States - Edmond

Today, I was waiting for my wife in a mall when some kids came and sat near me, wearing band t-shirts. I recognized some, as I was into The Smiths and Black Flag in my youth. I tried to strike up a music-fan chat with them. "Fuck off, grandad" and "Ew, pedo" is all I got in return. FML

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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By Mandoune - Finland

Today, I dropped my keys in the drain. Thankfully, my new flat mate generously offered his help to reach the keys via flower pot. FML

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By calliefml - United States

Today, I walked into my dorm to find my roommate hanging a voodoo doll of me on a noose. FML

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By Anon - United States - Sacramento

Today, I spent $70 on party supplies for my sister's bachelorette party, another hour decorating, three hours baking and designing a cake, before waiting five hours to hear that she and another bridesmaid had 'moved' the party elsewhere. Cake anyone? FML

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By Creeped - United States

Today, I'm hiding from my creepy next-door neighbor. She constantly trash-talks my partner of two years, she's mentally unstable, looks to me for support, has a raging crush on me, and she drunkenly tried to make out with me last weekend. I'm two months older than her daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, I went to the beach with a friend. We'd forgotten to get our towels out of the SUV, so I rushed back to the parking lot. I opened the passenger-side door and climbed in to begin my search. After ten seconds or so, I realized I'd busted into someone else's car. FML

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By MisterMisinformed - Canada

Today, I found out that Whoopi Goldberg was NOT Oprah Winfrey's stage name. I was then laughed at for ages by my co-workers. FML

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By stargate25 - United States - Denver

Today, my wife sent me a Google Calendar reminder for "sex". FML

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By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Three's company

Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

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By Tech Savvy - United States

Today, my ex, whom I haven't seen in two years, contacted me. She was great company back in the day, wild in bed, the most attractive person I've ever dated, and totally uninterested in a serious relationship. She wants me to fix her computer. FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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By indierocklove - United States

Today, I finally started doing cardio and getting in shape. What motivated me to do it? Watching a zombie movie. The slow ones bite the dust first. FML

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By MsConfusedd - United States - Hazlet

Today, I learned that my 76 year old great aunt likes to swim naked, even when I have friends over. FML

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25665

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By PoorForever - Australia - Heritage Park

Today, after meticulously rereading my application, merging references, budgets, academic transcripts and itineraries for an amazing scholarship, I clicked submit, only to remember that the system was on Daylight Savings time, which we don't have in my state! I missed out on $2,500 by 3 minutes. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saskatoon

Today, I'm so poor that I've been scrounging around my house all day trying to find quarters and dimes so that I can buy myself a cup of coffee tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By amiadori - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 29

#2393156 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:43

Nipples are very dangerous things. Especially left ones. Your cat was just trying to look out for you.

By randomboy18 | 0

#2393089 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

that pussy just wanted some milk

COMMENTS

By esu | 5

#2393072 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:36

ouch

xXxJaGsTeRxXx | 11

#2393579 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:53

kitty wants milk!!!!!

RainbowHeadache | 2

#2393605 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:59

Thank you, Op. This made my day.
I've been woken up to my cat leaping onto my face & tearing it apart.

MissMittens | 0

#2393694 - Saturday 23 April 2011 21:28

not you're gorgeous face !!! :o :(

kocoman500 | 2

#2393881 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:15

36- I know EXACTLY what u mean :)

RainbowHeadache | 2

#2393981 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:39

You either get scratched or they lay on your face and smother you like a fucked up crushing porn. lol

morgan320 | 0

#2394654 - Sunday 24 April 2011 1:25

OP don't be a pussy!

emmy1794 | 3

#2394660 - Sunday 24 April 2011 1:26

heyy I'm new on here wat does op mean ???

testthecoal | 5

#2394676 - Sunday 24 April 2011 1:40

orgasmic primate

lmw562 | 3

#2395091 - Sunday 24 April 2011 3:13

original poster

SuperDerp | 8

#2395884 - Sunday 24 April 2011 5:55

if ops a chick i guess the cst was lenjoying the clevage

xerxes190 | 3

#2397319 - Sunday 24 April 2011 10:42

lame, 92

kocoman500 | 2

#2414581 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:18

lmaoo well put RainbowHeadache, well put ;)

By DavLynn | 4

#2393078 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

oh it most really be horrendous

DavLynn | 4

#2393128 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:39

must*

chaosdragn16 | 2

#2393458 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:32

Blue.....
Waffle....

The_Moustache | 6

#2393488 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:37

^wait wut.

roro9944 | 0

#2393977 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:38

stop it 28

By lifesucks1234567_fml | 2

#2393083 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

that cat is a bitch no offense

number1beaner | 0

#2395985 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:19

the cat just thought you wanted a nipple piercing he was just helping making the hole

By austindale96 | 3

#2393085 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

wow Kitty Not Want Nipple in House!!!

MyScrewedUpLifeS | 0

#2393873 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:14

LOL cute win fail "puppy not want!!!!!"

lerouxmaster | 7

#2393929 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:26

Cute Win Fail kitty not want is way funnier !

By randomboy18 | 0

#2393089 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

that pussy just wanted some milk

agaba | 0

#2395830 - Sunday 24 April 2011 5:43

WIN

girlygirl33 | 0

#2395967 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:15

he'll yeah

andyyroxx | 20

#4795063 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:13

autocorrect yeah

By denaysanders | 0

#2393125 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:39

yummy

By Doortje | 29

#2393156 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:43

Nipples are very dangerous things. Especially left ones. Your cat was just trying to look out for you.

marijuanasmoker4 | 3

#2393204 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:49

I agree the cat took the correct course of action in this situation.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2393278 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:57

Op had breast cancer! Now they don't! Thank goodness they had such a sweet pussy ;D

CassSanchez | 5

#2395850 - Sunday 24 April 2011 5:46

LOL ! ^^

JakeLee | 6

#2396390 - Sunday 24 April 2011 8:27

16 You are one of the worst trolls I've ever seen.

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2393168 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:45

You still got your right, right? ;)

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2393656 - Saturday 23 April 2011 21:15

you only need one.

alex6946 | 10

#2396026 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:28

your picture is ADORABLE! I love that movie! :)

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2396350 - Sunday 24 April 2011 8:08

Awe, thanks! :D I know she's sucha cutieee. <3

By Derek321 | 2

#2393178 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:46

Man, that sucks, but I'm afraid YDI for having a Cat.
It seems that most cat owners (I've had 2) get scratched up from time to time.

Get a dog,

-Ty

melbadelb | 0

#2393280 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:57

as a cat owner myself I agree . you'll get scratched from time to time and in places you really don't want it too . if you don't want to deal with that then I suggest you take the cat to a shelter and get a dog :)