Animals: Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat...

By cdn_steed - United States

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

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Animals

Serious times

Late term

Not a good look

By Anonymous - United States - Burbank

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

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By Oy Vay - United States - Sparkill

Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML

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By n1a1t1h1a1n1 - United States - San Francisco

Today, on the bus, when I was asking my 6-year-old son what he wanted for Christmas, a stranger came up to us and yelled at him about how Santa Claus is not real, that his "parents are fucking liars" and that he should "never listen to anything one of those fuckers says." FML

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By bellaboop1990 - United States

Today, my drunk boyfriend told me he thought of new positions for us to try in bed because it was getting boring. We haven't had sex yet. FML

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By caughtorangehanded - United States

Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML

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By aye! - 25/7/2020 02:02

Porque no los dos?

Today, just like every other day, I noticed that one of my male coworkers always stares at me while passing by or when it's time for lunch. I read somewhere that if a person stares at you too long, they either want to have sex with you or want to kill you. He has a girlfriend, so I doubt it's the first option. FML

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By sopissed - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

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By sewdevastated - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my mother intentionally donated the quilt that I had made for her, because, "It didn't match anything". That was $70 worth of fabric and 7 and a half weeks spent on that handiwork of mine. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after getting home from the supermarket, I went to unlock the door so my dad could carry the groceries in. No matter how hard or how many different ways I tried, the lock wouldn't shift. My dad eventually grabbed the keys, twisted once, and after the door unlocked, called me an idiot. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a video of my girlfriend having sex with her male best friend on her computer. When I confronted her about it she said it was from before we met. In the video, she was wearing the engagement ring I bought her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while waiting for my mom to pick me up from university, I took out my phone and pretended to talk to someone. I didn't think people still pointed and laughed, but apparently they do when your mom pulls up and shouts, "Stop pretending to talk to someone." FML

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By regrub - United States

Today, ignoring the unspoken rule of not entering the bus when the driver's not inside, I went in while he was taking a break. As I stepped inside, he reached in the window and pressed the "close-door" button. It closed on my hand. Everyone at the bus stop laughed as I yelped in pain. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - United States - Winter Garden

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By HistoryHasEyes - 4/9/2020 23:01

That makes sense

Today, I was working in the produce department at my work. A lady came in to return some mangos. I asked her what the problem with the mangoes was. She said she didn't like the way they were talking to her. FML

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By jaimie - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By Flyboy - United States

Today, during an early morning preflight check, I spotted liquid pooling under the aircraft. I rubbed my fingers in it and sniffed. Good news? No dangerous fuel or hydraulic fluid leak. Bad news? My copilot was too lazy to walk back to the hangar to take a leak. FML

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By tyler - United States

Today, I went to a Jack's Mannequin concert. I'd asked this girl I'm interested in to come with me, and she insisted that she had to bring her two year old son with us. I'd told her it was no problem. Ten minutes into it, she said we needed to leave because it was too loud for him. FML

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By Ma_Nikka - United States - Olivehurst

Today, my boss called me in to have a serious talk. The "serious talk" was him asking me to notify him of my menstrual cycle ahead of time so he can "avoid that shit". FML

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By nothisfault - France

Today, and as for the rest of my life, I will always have a husband whose breath stinks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was docked and fined in my dorm building because of multiple noise complaints. What was I doing that was so noisy? I slipped in the shower and banged my head against the floor. Then when I reached for the towel rack to pull myself up, it broke and I slammed my wrist onto the ground. FML

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By rhiannakirwan - United Kingdom - London

Today, 5 minutes before I had to leave for school, my friends convinced me it was "pajama day" at school. I showed up in slippers and Sponge Bob pajamas. My school wouldn't let me go home to change. FML

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By meggs2209 - United States

Today, Dell's tech support called to tell me that the laptop I sent to them was going to cost an extra $300 to fix, because of the shattered screen. When I mailed my laptop to them, the touchpad wasn't working. The screen was fine. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

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By Randomspaghetti - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By justmyluck - United States

Today, my mom picked me up from school due to me being sick. Afterwards, she took a detour to the DMV, and I waited in the car. I ended up vomiting everywhere, clothes included, and had to sit in the car for three hours while the taste and smells lingered. FML

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By stepsister - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Airdrie

Deep desire

Today, my husband and I have been trying to have a baby for almost a year. I finally have a good chance to get pregnant this month, and I'm ovulating today for the first time in 3 months. My husband has the flu, he's highly contagious for the next 24 hours, and has been asleep since I got home from work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while video chatting with my girlfriend, who lives on the other side of the country, I thought I'd play a song for her on my guitar. The string broke and hit me in the face. I burst into tears and had to hang up. FML

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By unknown - Philippines

Today, I thought it would be funny to put a few extra spoonfuls of sugar in my co-worker's coffee. He thought it would be funny to throw the boiling hot coffee over my crotch. FML

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By seagull hater - United States - San Diego

Today, I left my sunroof on my truck open for 5 minutes while I ran into the bank. When I came out a seagull had gotten into my truck. I managed to open the doors and get it out but not before it tore up a seat and pooped everywhere inside my truck. FML

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By kaydebug

Today, while doing self-checkout at Walmart, the cap of my laundry detergent came off as I scanned it and dumped all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Sooke

Today, I had to show up at an anti-drugs lecture with full-blown pink eye. It's from an ongoing bacterial infection, but the speaker said he'd heard that excuse a hundred times before, and shamed me in front of everyone. FML

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By bigscarypuppy - United States

Today, my sister went into early labor. Instead of telling me, my mom turns to my dog and says "Guess what? You're going to be an uncle!" Our new dog ranks higher than me in our family's metaphorical food chain. FML

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By Lovesickgal - United Kingdom

Wrong number

Today, my ex-boyfriend texted me, saying, "I love you." Stupidly, I was very excited and replied, "At last! I still love you", to which he replied, "wrong number sorry, I don't love you." FML

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By thedoc - United States - Amarillo

No kink-shaming on FML

Today, my wife was putting her finger in my bellybutton and making overly sexual noises. I thought this was all fun and games until I realized she was actually into this. FML

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By Sad Nerd - United States - Glendale

Today, I discovered that the laser disc player I used to have was not in fact a laser disc player but a Pioneer Laseractive. Broken ones sell on eBay for $200 and working ones sell for around $1000. I sold a working one for less than $100-worth of credit at a second-hand store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

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By C. Kronick - United States

Today, my boyfriend started affectionately calling me "Burt Reynolds" because I wax my upper lip. FML

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By majorlyturnedoff - United States

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

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By mick

Today, on my and my wife's very first camping holiday, someone cut a hole in the tent wall while we slept and stole everything, including my keys and the car. Finally getting home, it seems the thieves got our address from the car's sat-nav and burgled the house as well. FML

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Top comments

By Doortje | 29

#2393156 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:43

Nipples are very dangerous things. Especially left ones. Your cat was just trying to look out for you.

By randomboy18 | 0

#2393089 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

that pussy just wanted some milk

COMMENTS

By esu | 5

#2393072 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:36

ouch

xXxJaGsTeRxXx | 11

#2393579 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:53

kitty wants milk!!!!!

RainbowHeadache | 2

#2393605 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:59

Thank you, Op. This made my day.
I've been woken up to my cat leaping onto my face & tearing it apart.

MissMittens | 0

#2393694 - Saturday 23 April 2011 21:28

not you're gorgeous face !!! :o :(

kocoman500 | 2

#2393881 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:15

36- I know EXACTLY what u mean :)

RainbowHeadache | 2

#2393981 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:39

You either get scratched or they lay on your face and smother you like a fucked up crushing porn. lol

morgan320 | 0

#2394654 - Sunday 24 April 2011 1:25

OP don't be a pussy!

emmy1794 | 3

#2394660 - Sunday 24 April 2011 1:26

heyy I'm new on here wat does op mean ???

testthecoal | 5

#2394676 - Sunday 24 April 2011 1:40

orgasmic primate

lmw562 | 3

#2395091 - Sunday 24 April 2011 3:13

original poster

SuperDerp | 8

#2395884 - Sunday 24 April 2011 5:55

if ops a chick i guess the cst was lenjoying the clevage

xerxes190 | 3

#2397319 - Sunday 24 April 2011 10:42

lame, 92

kocoman500 | 2

#2414581 - Wednesday 27 April 2011 6:18

lmaoo well put RainbowHeadache, well put ;)

By DavLynn | 4

#2393078 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

oh it most really be horrendous

DavLynn | 4

#2393128 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:39

must*

chaosdragn16 | 2

#2393458 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:32

Blue.....
Waffle....

The_Moustache | 6

#2393488 - Saturday 23 April 2011 20:37

^wait wut.

roro9944 | 0

#2393977 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:38

stop it 28

By lifesucks1234567_fml | 2

#2393083 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

that cat is a bitch no offense

number1beaner | 0

#2395985 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:19

the cat just thought you wanted a nipple piercing he was just helping making the hole

By austindale96 | 3

#2393085 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

wow Kitty Not Want Nipple in House!!!

MyScrewedUpLifeS | 0

#2393873 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:14

LOL cute win fail "puppy not want!!!!!"

lerouxmaster | 7

#2393929 - Saturday 23 April 2011 22:26

Cute Win Fail kitty not want is way funnier !

By randomboy18 | 0

#2393089 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:37

that pussy just wanted some milk

agaba | 0

#2395830 - Sunday 24 April 2011 5:43

WIN

girlygirl33 | 0

#2395967 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:15

he'll yeah

andyyroxx | 20

#4795063 - Friday 10 August 2012 1:13

autocorrect yeah

By denaysanders | 0

#2393125 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:39

yummy

By Doortje | 29

#2393156 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:43

Nipples are very dangerous things. Especially left ones. Your cat was just trying to look out for you.

marijuanasmoker4 | 3

#2393204 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:49

I agree the cat took the correct course of action in this situation.

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#2393278 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:57

Op had breast cancer! Now they don't! Thank goodness they had such a sweet pussy ;D

CassSanchez | 5

#2395850 - Sunday 24 April 2011 5:46

LOL ! ^^

JakeLee | 6

#2396390 - Sunday 24 April 2011 8:27

16 You are one of the worst trolls I've ever seen.

By Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2393168 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:45

You still got your right, right? ;)

Tuesdays76 | 0

#2393656 - Saturday 23 April 2011 21:15

you only need one.

alex6946 | 10

#2396026 - Sunday 24 April 2011 6:28

your picture is ADORABLE! I love that movie! :)

Perksofbeingawal | 0

#2396350 - Sunday 24 April 2011 8:08

Awe, thanks! :D I know she's sucha cutieee. <3

By Derek321 | 2

#2393178 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:46

Man, that sucks, but I'm afraid YDI for having a Cat.
It seems that most cat owners (I've had 2) get scratched up from time to time.

Get a dog,

-Ty

melbadelb | 0

#2393280 - Saturday 23 April 2011 19:57

as a cat owner myself I agree . you'll get scratched from time to time and in places you really don't want it too . if you don't want to deal with that then I suggest you take the cat to a shelter and get a dog :)