Miscellaneous: Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked...

By Banana_Lord - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Messed up

Nooooooo… !

By Jen - United States - Woodland Hills

Communication breakdown

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

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By Lorky - 8/5/2020 02:00 - United States

There goes the neighborhood

Today, I received an email from the office of the apartment complex I moved into two months ago. Apparently, a woman a few apartments down from mine was murdered. Time to pack. FML

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By notagoodsign - Netherlands

Today, while watching Animal Planet, I realised my boyfriend uses the Dog Whisperer techniques on me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML

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By Username - France

Today, I found out that while getting your hair cut, you should say 'yes' or 'no', instead of nodding your head. FML

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By Joe Lizen - United States - New Lenox

Today, my mom called me screaming and cussing because she found pot in my room. I come home and my dad says, "I hid some pot in your room and I'm not letting you go to that concert if you rat me out." My dad is apparently a blackmailing 52-year-old stoner. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I have a condition that, when I pull my foreskin back, it looks as if a rubber band has been put on it. The doctor told me the only way to fix it was to have me circumcised. My mum laughed, then asked him if he had a magnifying lens to do it. FML

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By meghandix89 - United States

Today, my aunt asked me to have my 13-year-old autistic cousin stay over for the night. When he got here, he told me his mom forgot his Vaseline, and asked if I'd be a dear and go get some for him. His mom informed me that he uses it to masturbate. FML

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By jill - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, I was talking to my boyfriend about some recent family drama my sister has been causing. He quickly lost interest and started jacking off right next to me. FML

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By bitchypast - United States - Rockland

Today, is the blizzard. I have to go into work, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't show up. I sent him a picture of the snow completely covering my car. He said I moved the snow there and could move it back. FML

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By Silentshdw13 - United States - Arlington

Today, after moving back in with my parents, I found out they had held on to a chunk of mail still being sent during the time I had been changing my old address. Included was a summons to jury duty. FML

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By applesmama - United States

Today, my daughter spoke her first words. Her dad had been practicing with her for weeks in secret. She crawled to me and said, "I poop." FML

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By adults acting like children - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

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By yoyo22 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I gave my girlfriend an orgasm for the first time. She's a screamer. Her dog must have thought I was attacking her, because he immediately came over and started savaging me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at Starbucks, a man came in and placed his order. I made his drink, topped it with whipped cream, and put the lid on. Some cream was seeping out of the top. He looked at me and said, "Good... you left a nipple..." and slowly licked it off. FML

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By locker - United States

Today, I was in a hurry trying to get into my locker, but it stuck. After a few frustrating attempts, I finally managed to get it open. In anger, I threw the door open, but it bounced back and hit me in the head. My natural reflex was to jerk forward, giving myself a black eye from the hook inside. I got in a fight with my locker and lost. FML

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By wtf is wrong with my country - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when I saw a really good deal on some bacon. Before I could take any, a huge-ass woman stormed over, kicked my cart down the aisle, and snatched every single packet for herself. And I actually got upset over this. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I broke my wrist when I got into a disagreement with a horse. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was watching my 2-year-old sister in the bathtub. As she was splashing, she stopped, and pointed at the "owie" on my head. I told her it was okay, and that it was just a pimple. She said, "Wow, you have a lot of pimples!" FML

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By WELLFUCKYOUTOO - Canada - Toronto

Today, my cheating, psycho asscricket of an ex texted me and asked me back out. I said no, and didn't think any more of it, at least until an hour later, when I looked out my window, only to see him smearing a bag of dog crap all over my porch. FML

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By Laptop - France

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Mateo

Today, I found out that you can give your grandpa a Vietnam flashback when you set off a leftover firecracker from New Years. I also found out that a 76 year old hits pretty fucking hard when freaking out. FML

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By michael

Today, I found out that getting drunk and attempting to shit out the second story window is a very bad idea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burbank

Today, I noticed the only time my husband stops snoring like a drunken horse is so that he can fart. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML

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By transcendingnerd - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

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By itsEVERYWHERE - United States

Today, I got food poisoning and have had the worst diarrhea ever. I laid down in bed, hoping to get some rest when my dad thought it'd be a good idea to sneak into my room and scare the shit out of me. Literally. FML

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By Blue Lemon - 13/12/2020 20:01

Assumptions

Today, I was at a job interview and thought the guy interviewing me was a bit of a perv because he kept staring down at my cleavage. Afterwards, I realised what he was really looking at: the wire in my bra had popped out and had been poking right through my shirt like a dagger. FML

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By TriangularBanana - United States - Houston

Today, I babysat my little cousin. He thought that a glue stick would have the same effect as chapstick. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mulino

Today, while I was pet-sitting for my boyfriend's parents, one of their dogs killed one of their kittens. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out shopping. When I left the store, I saw my ex, who I'm still crazy about. He helped me carry my bags out to the car. When I leaned in to give him a hug goodbye, he stepped aside, and I fell face-first into a puddle. He walked away laughing. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend did the whole "break up with your boyfriend and kick him out of the house" thing from the movies. Except it's my house. She kept my stuff. FML

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By Chris - Ireland

Today, I jumped into a pile of snow which had built up against a wall. Turns out it wasn't snow but a pile of cement covered by an inch of snow. I now have a 3 inch cut along my leg and a sprained wrist from falling. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/12/2020 13:02 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

Bodyshaming

Today, my coworker doesn't want to go to lunch with me anymore, after I lost a load of weight in lockdown and she's still "overweight." Apparently, I've "changed, and not the same person." FML

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By ScoozieBooze - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML

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By hellokitty133 - United States

Today, the boys who sit at my math table decided it would be funny to throw broken pencils at my boobs to see if they were real. They did this the entire class period. I have to work with this group for the rest of the school year. FML

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By Brea - United States

Today, I wanted to annoy my sister by playing the air horn app on my iPhone. I forgot that I had headphones in. Let's just say I quickly had to change my underwear. FML

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By Jesus - United States

Today, I was playing guitar on the sidewalk and had my guitar case open for tips. A man came up with a folded piece of green paper, smiled and walked away. After I was finished, I looked at my tips. I unfolded the paper, it was a note that said "You suck!" FML

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By Ian - United States

Today, I had a surgery to remove a cyst from my butt. Afterwards that doctor told me that the cyst was bigger than he initially thought, it would still secrete fluids for two weeks, and the best remedy for this was to wear a maxi-pad. I'm a guy, and am currently wearing a maxi-pad on my butt. FML

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Top comments

By tbro47 | 23

#6220305 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Follow the rainbow, pick up your new pot of gold and call things even.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6220306 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Well at least you got to where you were going, weather you liked it or not.

COMMENTS

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6220301 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:29

Go outside and enjoy the rainbow!

FracturedMinds | 21

#6220336 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:57

Enjoy the rainbow, taste the rainbow.

doctorhook86 | 24

#6220338 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:01

#20: Or in the OP's case, "Resent the rainbow, taste the rainbow."

Tailored | 15

#6222840 - Friday 6 March 2015 6:47

Skittles

By ThirteenThirteen | 27

#6220302 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:30

Good God, that sucks.

stingray112 | 24

#6220463 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 19:33

Yep walked through some rain for 20 whole minutes. Your life must be forever changed.

cassie6613 | 3

#6220678 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 23:35

36 have you ever been hit by hailstones? No? Then sit down, shut up, and stop being an ass. Thank you :)

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6220788 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 1:20

Mother Nature being an asshole...

By mimi_animee | 18

#6220303 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:30

if you went back outside and the weather turned awful again, its just you.

but that's pretty funny sorry OP!

By tbro47 | 23

#6220305 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Follow the rainbow, pick up your new pot of gold and call things even.

tbro47 | 23

#6220341 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:04

And don't forget to kick the leprechaun in the balls on your way out for good luck.

wildgenius | 13

#6220366 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:33

I don't think this comment was funny enough for a follow up comment. .just my opinion.

tbro47 | 23

#6220378 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:45

The followup was because my original comment timed out before I could tack it on. It was funny to me. Can't please everyone.

lnheritance | 19

#6220382 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:50

"Enjoy the rainbow, taste the rainbow." At least until you step back outside and a blizzard befalls upon you.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6220306 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Well at least you got to where you were going, weather you liked it or not.

lucyisbae | 18

#6221887 - Thursday 5 March 2015 4:54

Good god that was beautiful

By thatonetribute | 31

#6220307 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Just one of those days, huh?

By Gunny20 | 25

#6220308 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:33

You should've walked inside earlier. At least the walk back will be better.

By ajs1987 | 15

#6220309 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:33

You're in the UK. When I lived there, the weather in April was probably the most beautiful weather I've ever experienced. Hang on for just one more month.