Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked...

By Banana_Lord - 3/3/2015 10:41 - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I walked 20 minutes in rain, winds that almost knocked me over, and face-fulls of stinging hailstones. Less than a minute after I finally got inside, the weather cleared up, the sun came out, and a rainbow appeared. FML

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Miscellaneous

No one likes a smart-ass

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

Or he's just becoming an old goober

By - 14/11/2019 21:00 - Hong Kong

Wedding anniversary

Today, my husband and I decided to have sex after our 2nd year anniversary dinner. When we started taking each other's clothes off, my husband suddenly said that he forgot to turn the water tap off, then he went away and didn't come back, I literally waited for 2 hours! FML

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By phantomthelabrat - 31/3/2014 12:24 - United States - Fargo

Today, I was assigned to be the one to teach Grandpa how to use his new smartphone. An hour in, and we're still going over volume controls. FML

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By Triple F - 7/3/2009 17:16 - United States

Today, I laced up my fabulous new boots and walked outside to find my hot neighbor, with whom I carpool every morning. I struck a pose, feeling quite confident. Upon taking my first step down the stairs, I fell forward. I woke up an hour later with 7 stitches in my head. FML

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By whasian - 21/9/2009 16:32 - United States

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent me a birthday present. It was a necklace for me to wear at my wedding. The pendant is a well known lesbian symbol. I'm a woman and I'm marrying her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2017 22:00 - United States - Littleton

Today, my 14-year-old sister came into the bathroom while I was in it. When she saw me, she said sorry and left. Little did I know, she took my electric toothbrush to masturbate. FML

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By whoriblemomindeed - 20/6/2013 16:02 - United States - Celeste

Today, in a fit of paranoid hysteria, my mom threw out my phone, claiming the NSA can look through the camera to spy on me. I guess that's why you're still using your own phone to sext your latest boyfriend, eh mom? FML

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By burnedboy - 18/1/2010 19:39 - United States

Today, I saw Avatar in iMax 3D. Towards the end of the movie I jump, yelled, and spilled my drink all over the people in front of me because I thought a burning piece of ash landed on my leg. FML

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By Trey - 19/11/2011 01:58 - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend over to her first dinner with my family. My gramps spent the entire dinner telling my girlfriend how the Illuminati are plotting to take over the world and use microchips to control everyone. So much for being taken seriously now. FML

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By Overlord247 - 28/6/2019 07:05 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, due to sleep deprivation, I wasn't paying attention to where the elevator stopped. I walked into a flat, thinking it was mine. It wasn't. It was the flat just beneath mine. FML

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By BuggedinBelgium - 24/9/2015 20:15

Today, my sister and I checked into our cheap hotel in Brussels as part of our month-long Europe trip. At 11pm we awoke to the sound of a mouse chewing through a bag of food we'd bought. At 3am we awoke to bedbugs. We slept in the bathroom. FML

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By socially awkward - 10/3/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

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By Nails - 22/2/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor with my parents. When the doctor asked if I was sexually active, I said 'Yes.' My mom laughed and said 'Good one.' My dad, for added effect said, 'Your hand doesn't count.' FML

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By single lady - 15/8/2011 14:45 - United States

Today, at my aunt's wedding, the time for the tossing of the bouquet came and the announcer asked for all the single ladies to gather behind the bride. I was the only one. FML

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By StillBurning - 19/8/2017 01:30

Today, I enjoyed my favourite pizza topped with jalapeños for an extra kick. I later got to feel that kick a second time as I vomited in the middle of the night. Some came out my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2015 18:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was having computer problems, so I let my friend have remote access to fix them. We were video-chatting on Skype at the time, and so he thought it'd be hilarious to load hardcore porn in my browser the moment he saw my mom enter the room from behind me. I'm now grounded. FML

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By Cate - 5/11/2009 10:25 - Australia

Today, I've had no sleep. Why? Because my housemate has a new girlfriend and the walls are too thin. After round three of them shagging, I was exhausted from holding my breath each time the new girlfriend screamed. I also realised that was the closest I'd been to sex in months. FML

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By tattooooooface - 28/1/2010 13:08 - United States

Today, my dad found out I got a tattoo behind his back and is really really upset. When I got home from work my car wasn't in the driveway. When I asked my dad where it was, he replied "you'll get it back when your tattoo comes off." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2018 01:30

Today, my manager cussed me out for being unable to keep a customer happy. That "customer" was a senile old twit who had wandered away from his carer, thought our shop was his living room, and demanded to know who replaced all his furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2014 13:58 - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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By lame - 20/10/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, for my 2 year anniversary, I bought my girlfriend a beautiful $400 necklace. She bought me a pink $5 shirt of Elton John riding a piano through space. FML

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By dammitvasquez - 12/5/2011 23:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend came home from a camping trip and broke up with me. All because when he was watching the lake he was near, ripples formed. Apparently, this means God was telling him I'm impure and unable to be "saved by Christ" and therefore, a waste of his time. I dated this lunatic. FML

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By OytoBeAfather - 16/5/2012 03:05 - United States - Nesconset

Today, my 20-year-old son's external hard-drive stopped working. He's crying on my shoulder now, not because of the movies, porn, work, or music he probably lost, but because of the now irretrievable complete series of Digimon that he'd collected. FML

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By Ah - 8/3/2010 05:42 - France

Today, my boyfriend said we should re-enact a porn episode he saw. I jokingly said yes. He had an outfit and everything. I thought it was going to be fun, until he started playing Bon Jovi in the background. FML

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By Tiak - 30/3/2009 18:08 - United States

Today, my mom has been calling me every ten minutes, asking me questions about her new computer. She called me at work, and I rudely answered her question. She called back, talked to my boss, saying she was a customer that called in, and I was rude to her. FML

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By nikki - 10/10/2010 00:47 - United States

Today, my mom realized we have been sharing tooth brushes because they are similar colors. I told her it doesn't really matter since we're mother and daughter. She responded by saying that she loves me, but she has no idea where my mouth has been, and she doesn't want my diseases. Thanks mom. FML

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By waiterrrrrrrrr - 2/8/2009 19:12 - United States

Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML

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By namenlos - 27/5/2012 21:53 - Australia

Today, on Facebook, my sister posted a ton of photos of herself wearing a skimpy bikini, commenting that she looked hideous and fat. I can't stand attention-seeking fuckballs, so I called her on it. My mother then condemned me for "mocking" my sister, and grounded me for an entire month. FML

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By Menareidiots - 24/2/2009 23:32 - United States

Today, my guy friend and I were in his dorm room watching a movie when he started kissing me. Things heated up so we moved things over to his bed. He was on me when a hand shoots down from his top bunk. His roommate had been up there the whole time and he wanted a high-five. So they high-fived. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2016 05:57 - United States - Hudsonville

Today, my dad thought it was perfectly acceptable to ask my girlfriend how many guys she screwed before me. FML

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By wtfiswrongwithher - 7/5/2011 13:56 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has a YouTube channel dedicated to 20 second videos of her wearing a fake mustache and making weird sounds. FML

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By pigglepigglepiggle - 24/11/2009 02:30 - United States

Today, I agreed to buy my girlfriend a piggle for Christmas. The pig is miniature. The noise it makes is not. Oh, and I just found out it's not living with her, but with me. FML

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By ThreeWeeksWithoutSex - 28/12/2016 05:43 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my daughter fell asleep early, so my husband and I decided to get frisky. He passed out mid blow job. FML

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By ADD - 11/2/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 12:02 - United States - Belmont

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, because he didn't trust himself not to cheat on me. What? FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2012 17:30 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job when she started crying. Despite my pleas for her to stop and attempts to comfort her, she insisted that she continue. I feel like a monster. FML

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By smokecloud_ - 30/12/2014 21:38 - United States - Ashland

Today, I was watching ESPN. My boyfriend came in, bitched about "boring tv," so I handed him the remote. He put on a Lifetime movie. I must be the only woman in America with this problem. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/7/2012 20:10 - Nigeria - Lagos

Today, my dad was making coffee for the family. Half-way through, he excused himself to the bathroom, so for a laugh, I discreetly poured a load of salt into his drink. When he served us, I drank a mouthful and doubled over hacking. My dad barked, "I wasn't born yesterday, son." FML

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By easilyexited - 1/4/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, we were swimming in gym class. There are some cute girls in our class and they were wearing their bikinis. I was looking at them when I got an erection but since I was underwater I thought no one would see. I'm on the diving team so my teacher asked me to demonstrate a dive to the class. FML

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By Mad - 27/6/2011 01:14 - Australia

Today, after a weekend of helping my sister-in-law move out of our house, vacuuming and mopping her bedroom and bathroom for her, scrubbing her walls and cleaning her shower, transporting her furniture and getting her carpet professionally cleaned, to cover costs she offered me $14. FML

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - 27/6/2011 02:15 - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

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Top comments

By tbro47 | 23

#6220305 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Follow the rainbow, pick up your new pot of gold and call things even.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6220306 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Well at least you got to where you were going, weather you liked it or not.

Comments

By CallMeWindSock | 24

#6220301 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:29

Go outside and enjoy the rainbow!

FracturedMinds | 21

#6220336 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:57

Enjoy the rainbow, taste the rainbow.

doctorhook86 | 24

#6220338 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:01

#20: Or in the OP's case, "Resent the rainbow, taste the rainbow."

Tailored | 15

#6222840 - Friday 6 March 2015 6:47

Skittles

By ThirteenThirteen | 27

#6220302 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:30

Good God, that sucks.

stingray112 | 24

#6220463 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 19:33

Yep walked through some rain for 20 whole minutes. Your life must be forever changed.

cassie6613 | 3

#6220678 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 23:35

36 have you ever been hit by hailstones? No? Then sit down, shut up, and stop being an ass. Thank you :)

incoherentrmblr | 21

#6220788 - Wednesday 4 March 2015 1:20

Mother Nature being an asshole...

By mimi_animee | 18

#6220303 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:30

if you went back outside and the weather turned awful again, its just you.

but that's pretty funny sorry OP!

By tbro47 | 23

#6220305 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Follow the rainbow, pick up your new pot of gold and call things even.

tbro47 | 23

#6220341 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:04

And don't forget to kick the leprechaun in the balls on your way out for good luck.

wildgenius | 13

#6220366 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:33

I don't think this comment was funny enough for a follow up comment. .just my opinion.

tbro47 | 23

#6220378 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:45

The followup was because my original comment timed out before I could tack it on. It was funny to me. Can't please everyone.

lnheritance | 19

#6220382 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 18:50

"Enjoy the rainbow, taste the rainbow." At least until you step back outside and a blizzard befalls upon you.

By TheGolfGTI | 24

#6220306 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Well at least you got to where you were going, weather you liked it or not.

lucyisbae | 18

#6221887 - Thursday 5 March 2015 4:54

Good god that was beautiful

By thatonetribute | 31

#6220307 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:31

Just one of those days, huh?

By Gunny20 | 25

#6220308 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:33

You should've walked inside earlier. At least the walk back will be better.

By ajs1987 | 15

#6220309 - Tuesday 3 March 2015 17:33

You're in the UK. When I lived there, the weather in April was probably the most beautiful weather I've ever experienced. Hang on for just one more month.