Animals: Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast.... - FML

By scratchpost - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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Dangling modifier

Vulture

What a charmer

By why

Today, I caught my roommate pouring back his leftover milk from his cereal back into the jug to "save money." FML

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By cane - United States

Today, my mom needed coffee so I drove to Starbucks to get her some. She let me drive the Porsche, which has never happened. Upon coming home I picked the coffee up out of the cupholder so it wouldnt spill. My phone vibrated in my pocket, I spilled the coffee and crashed the car into the garage. FML

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By CrappyValentine - Netherlands

Today, I tried convincing my Valentine-hating boyfriend to send me a card, by explaining how important it is to me. He finally agreed and sent me a card. I opened it up, and it wished me 'harmony and well-being on Lupercalia'. What is Lupercalia? It's an ancient Roman festival where men run down the street naked, whipping people with goat skins to encourage fertility. FML

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By Yeppets - United States - Roscoe

Today, I got called "un-American" when I said I didn't care about Kim and Kayne's wedding. FML

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By stillsingleladies - United States

Today, my lesbian sister enthusiastically showed me her new strap on. Not only does she get more girls than me, she now has a bigger penis too. FML

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By -___- - United States - Winfield

Today, I sent my boyfriend a text asking him to come over a little later and have some "fun" with me. He texted back, "WTF babe? Breaking Bad's on tonight. You got a dildo, fucking use it." FML

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By sylverster - Singapore

Today, I banged into a glass door. My friend laughed at me, so I turned around and gave him the finger, then turned back to continue walking and banged into the door again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I was walking through town with my hood up and noticed people giving me funny looks. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the umbrella I was holding over my head had been closed the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my ex-wife, who I have a 1000-yard restraining order against since she threatened my new wife and our kids, moved into a house down the street. The police say they can't do anything because her house is more than 1000 yards from mine. It's 1012 yards away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a note on my door that said "I masturbate to your pictures on Facebook." Someone else wrote "like" at the bottom. FML

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By JayFri - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to have sex in his car. He got out of the car and moved to the passenger seat with me. As he shut the door, it slammed against my fingers, breaking one of them. He then asked if we could still have sex. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my little sister thought it would be funny to send my girlfriend a text saying I cheated on her and wanted to break up. Her response was "lol whatever I've been fucking Steve for like a month anyway". Steve is my brother, and he won't admit or deny it. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, while at a psychiatric hospital working as a student nurse, I discovered one of the patients had developed an unhealthy obsession for me. He was admitted for stalking and abusing a girl who looked just like me. It's only my first week. FML

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By Maxime - France

Today, after making love to my girlfriend, I realised that the phone was on the bed and because of the movements, it called my dad by itself. It went to voicemail. My dad will soon have all the details. FML

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By thedeerman - United States

Today, I found out my wife and three daughters all have their period on seperate weeks. I now have no break from yelling. FML

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By Spotted - Canada

Today, at Church, the little boy sitting behind me asked his mother if I had the chicken pox, because there were red dots all over my face. I've had bad acne since I was twelve. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, is the fourth day of my husband's and my new diet and exercise routine. I've already caught him eating junk food 4 times. He has lost 2 lbs and I've gained 3. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I listened to my elderly bachelor neighbor moan, "Oh, kitty, kitty, kitty! Oh kitty!" for over half-an-hour before he wandered out on his balcony in wet, tight white underwear to water his plant. This is the fifth time this week, and I still don't know what on earth he's doing. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

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By frankrizzo - Canada

Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML

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By radiant - United States

Today, I told my mom I want to get liposuction. She said "Whats the point? Its not like you can get lipo on your face!". FML

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By BrokeAsHell - Australia - Werribee

Today, my landlord emailed me, stating that she hasn't been receiving my rent. After some investigation, I found out she's been using the money to buy booze, and hasn't been putting it into the house owner's account. FML

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By popeye - United States

Today, I was trying to take the cap off a can of spray cooking oil. It was really stuck so I pulled extra hard. It flew off and I punched myself in the head. I also sprayed myself in the eye with it. The lump on my forehead and my swollen shut eye make me look like Popeye, but I'm a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Guthrie

Today, I went running. I live in a small town and people know me fairly well. It was dark when I went to avoid the heat. I was almost finished with my run when the cop comes up and asks me what I'm running from. Clearly being fat and out of shape is not a good enough alibi. FML

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By Anonymous

W.T.F.

Today, while getting dressed, I discovered that when my brother and his friends got drunk last night one of them wanked into a pair of my panties and put them back in my wardrobe. The crusty mess pressed right into my groin. I had to clean dry spunk out of my pubic hair. FML

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By Em - United States

Today, my family threw me a surprise party. I was so surprised I punched my mom in the face when she screamed SURPRISE! FML

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By dumblond - United States

Today, I was looking over the schedule for errors and circled a group of mistakes before handing it to my manager. When she handed it back to me, she gave me a weird look and I immediately noticed that the group of numbers I had circled formed a giant penis shape on the paper. FML

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By Nachos4lifs

He did not care

Today, after years of pretty much no sex from my long term partner, I admitted I was having dreams about sex with other people. I hoped to get a reaction from him. However, he didn't react at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to get my picture taken for a volunteer badge at the hospital. My sister came home and told my parents that she had a horrible day at work. They showed her my picture to cheer her up. FML

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By woodchuck0022 - Canada

Today, my pants felt a little looser than usual. Thinking I'd lost weight, I proudly went about my day. It wasn't until much later that I realised I hadn't lost any weight at all; my fly was down. FML

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By Username

Today, I found the birthday card my grandma had mailed. Apparently, it contained a gift of $100. Too bad it was in my mom's trash can, opened, with no money. She told my grandma it must have gotten lost in the mail. FML

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By OG Pinecone - United States - Englewood

Today, I was hanging with friends up at my best friend's cabin. We were in his hot tub cracking jokes when he told one that sent me into a fit of hysterics. He tried to shut me up by splashing water on me. It worked, because when I jerked my head to the side, I dislocated a rib. FML

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By hadrienne's pall - Canada - Markham

Today, I asked a girl at the restaurant I work at if she'd had enough to eat. When she said yes, I said, "Are you sure?" I didn't realize how insulting it sounded until her equally overweight mom was up in my face, demanding to see my manager. FML

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By

Today, I checked my inbox and realized I got an email from a potential employer saying they were having trouble getting ahold of me by phone. They called while my mom was using my phone to look up directions to the place and she answered, kindly hanging up when they asked for me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 02:01

Mr Kwik Fit

Today, I discovered I'd been ghosted. Last night, I hung out with this guy. We started making out. Everything was going great, then we had sex and it literally lasted 30 seconds because he was done. He got up, got dressed and left and then deleted me off everything. FML

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By nooneatall - France

Today, I was doing a shit load of sit-ups on my mattress. After realizing the bed was squeaking, I heard my dad laughing very hard from the basement. He thought I was masturbating. FML

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By Becca - United States - Portland

Today, my mother-in-law "borrowed" my dog without asking, to show him off to her friends. My dog is my service animal, and I'm not comfortable leaving the house without him. I have to be at work in an hour, and she's not picking up her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - Switzerland

Today, I found out I'm allergic to the pills my doctor prescribed for coughing, which I really need because I ripped a muscle in my stomach. Now my whole upper body is covered in a terrible itchy rash. I also found out it will last for at least another week. FML

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By babs - United States

Today, I was in the doctor's office waiting for my husband to arrive, when a little old lady sat beside me. She seemed nice, until she started farting and blaming it on me. They weren't silent; they sounded like trucker farts and smelled like death. I was there for over an hour. FML

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Top comments

By nswan | 5

#1617146 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

lucky cat...

By steelersfan32 | 0

#1617390 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:24

ydi for having boobs hard enough for a cat to sharpen them on.

COMMENTS

By LoveAlways27 | 0

#1617121 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:48

ouch!

Reply

hotair10 | 9

#1617137 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:49

yeah, that pretty much sucks

Reply

KaySL | 24

#1617500 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:52

Your pussy has CLAWS? May I recommend some vagisil or something? Penicillin? Ooh, you're 14 years old? Will you suck my cock? I have candy!

^ Yeah, I know, don't even say it. I'm filling in for Perdix this time.

Reply

WishResign | 0

#1617522 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:58

YDI for petting it under the blanket grossing your roomate out. now your cat's getting you back for embarrassing it like that.

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1617569 - Thursday 28 October 2010 21:05

wrong FML my friend

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1617715 - Thursday 28 October 2010 21:43

Scratch your pussy.

Reply

Bloodberry | 0

#1618457 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:16

the pussy just wanted some pussy?

Reply

carlog | 0

#1618485 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:32

Maybe your pussy just needed some attention.

Reply

innerexlet | 0

#1618489 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:34

sorry 27# perdix is never THAT bad

Reply

Haterman123 | 0

#1618513 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:47

the pussy wanted to have some boob time :p

Reply

pinkpillowz | 0

#1619102 - Friday 29 October 2010 3:46

31- wrong fml! but they were both about cats...

Reply

zyzter | 0

#1619452 - Friday 29 October 2010 6:24

read it again 80, I think they meant to put it here

Reply

untoward | 0

#1619860 - Friday 29 October 2010 8:50

tough titty said the kitty but the milk was still good!

Reply

nathan5 | 0

#1627713 - Saturday 30 October 2010 21:00

i believe he was sharpening your breast with his claws...not sharpening his claws on your breast

By nswan | 5

#1617146 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

lucky cat...

Reply

agm2010 | 0

#1617294 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:06

she likes it rough(;

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#1617448 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:36

4 - That's what I thought.

Reply

MrFancy | 0

#1618000 - Thursday 28 October 2010 23:38

Grope!

Reply

baconhawkman | 0

#1619465 - Friday 29 October 2010 6:33

exactly

Reply

sloppy3301 | 3

#1620885 - Friday 29 October 2010 13:41

lucky only if their big :D

Reply

persianlovaaa691 | 0

#1625451 - Saturday 30 October 2010 9:53

wow #4 fkin sexy

By TheBestManEver | 0

#1617161 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:51

So much for foreplay...

By QTp13 | 10

#1617163 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:51

*cringes* I hope you are ok OP -_-

By mintcar | 9

#1617183 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

Ouch. That really blows.

Reply

lovethatpanda | 0

#1617264 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:02

Shin Chan is amazing.

By mintcar | 9

#1617187 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

Ouch. That really blows.

By jlynn97 | 0

#1617190 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

hahaha that's a nice cat.

By lovely_asian | 0

#1617208 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:55

bad pussy cat! lol that must have hurt a lot though :/ sorry op

Reply

wolftastic | 0

#1619540 - Friday 29 October 2010 7:02

you're cute:)

By ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#1617254 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:00

Careful with those!

By DarkHelmet | 10

#1617267 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:02

Not the titties!!!! Bad Kitty BAD!!!!!!

Reply

ksummerville91_fml | 0

#1617319 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:11

he was just giving her a check up, it is October...

Reply

friker | 0

#1618483 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:31

dumb.

Reply

UsmcDevilDogs | 0

#1619317 - Friday 29 October 2010 5:01

to whoosh wats ur rank I'm cpt. sniper also recon u

Reply

DarkHelmet | 10

#1619456 - Friday 29 October 2010 6:27

who is whoosh?

Reply

yuhimjesus | 0

#1619955 - Friday 29 October 2010 9:04

calling bs on 84. A captain would be able to spell.