Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast.... - FML

By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

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DINOSAURS!!

The student becomes the master

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 10/6/2010 19:26 - United States

Today, I walked into work to see my boss's hot son. I wanted him to notice me, so I did my "sexy walk". I then slipped and fell onto my desk, broke my desk, and sprained my wrist. Oh he noticed me alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2014 17:52 - United States - Bremerton

Today, my ex told me that she's 3 weeks pregnant with my child. Not only was she on her period when I broke up with her last week, her friend let me know that the positive pregnancy test she showed me was a fake that she'd bought online. FML

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By lonely - 11/1/2016 21:04 - United States - Twin Falls

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me. Whilst browsing the web, I clicked on an ad that said "How to Get Your Ex Back in a Day". Now I am single and have a computer virus. FML

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By drugbaby - 18/12/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I was talking to my aunt about my brother's recent arrest for drug possession. I proudly told her that I have never done drugs of any kind. Her response: "Well, actually you were born addicted to heroin, so you had a drug problem long before your brother." FML

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By brokennose - 26/8/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I was at the bar and my friend and I were making fun of this guy wearing a Affliction muscle tee and bedazzled Ed Hardy hat. We were saying how he was the epitome of a douche bag and that he probably likes UFC. Turns out he's an MMA fighter and I now have a broken nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2014 23:54 - United States

Today, my mom talked to me and my brother about how great it was that our cousin was getting away from drugs and becoming sober, as he would have so many more opportunities opened up for him now. She explained all this while sitting on our patio, smoking a blunt. FML

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By ShamedJP - 3/4/2009 22:05 - United States

Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML

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By hatesurf - 26/6/2009 17:23 - Peru

Today, I was surfing. I saw a cop writing a ticket for my car, I swam as fast as I could to stop him, I got caught in a wave, and smashed onto the rocks. I ended up with a huge bleeding scratch on my back, a broken surfboard, and a note saying that I had a flat tire. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 12:00

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

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By bastard magnet - 2/10/2011 22:14 - United States

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

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By buttpicker - 19/4/2010 23:24 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog and he stopped to take a crap. While he was doing his business, I saw something white coming out of his butt that just wouldn't budge. He started whimpering and I stepped in to help him. I pulled out an entire plastic bag. FML

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By paparoach - 21/12/2014 07:59 - United States - Kapolei

Today, I was at an outdoors Christmas party and I jokingly complained that my son says 'mama' way more than he says 'dada'. One of my students was at the party and watched him for a couple of hours. He taught him to say 'dada' every time he sees a bug. FML

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By Username - 31/8/2011 07:36 - United States

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

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By anonymous - 3/8/2009 07:37 - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2018 18:30

Today, I was in school when a guy grabbed my breast, so I swore at him and shoved him away. I got detention and he walked away unpunished. FML

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By Raw95 - 15/3/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I was eating at Steak N' Shake. I noticed that the cute waitress was checking me out. When I was done with my meal she wrote her number on the ticket. So, as I was walking out the door, I turned around to wave at her, and walked into a metal bar next to the door. FML

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By notawizard - 16/7/2009 10:16 - Spain

Today, my daughter turned 11. Since she LOVES Harry Potter, I decided to write her an acceptance letter to Hogwarts. When she saw the letter, she screamed and showed me. When she found out I wrote it, she told me she hated me, started crying, and stepped on my foot. FML

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By SchoolSucks - 19/2/2013 17:05 - United States

Today, it's my first day at a new school. I transferred here halfway through the year to get away from a girl who bullies me. She's apparently bullied her mom into transferring her here as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/7/2009 22:44 - United States

Today, I was going to volunteer at a soup kitchen. I saw a man working, so I went up to him to ask where I should sign in. Before I even opened my mouth, he told me that they opened at 12 and to come back then for my meal. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/12/2009 20:53 - United Kingdom

Today, I was making out with my girlfriend in my room. About two minutes into it, my cat walks in and jumps on the bed with us. Without hesitation, my girlfriend tells me to stop, rolls over, and starts petting my cat. FML

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By kylie - 25/12/2018 00:00

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

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By majorlyturnedoff - 21/8/2012 03:02 - United States

Today, after his second week of babysitting, my boyfriend has begun the disturbing habit of saying, "Ready or not, here I come!" every time he's about to orgasm. He doesn't see why this doesn't appeal to me. FML

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By Me - 26/11/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, my neighbors coated their house in flashing Christmas lights and blared out "We Wish You a Merry Christmas" all day long. Only 29 days left until Christmas. FML

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By NoPromotionForYou - 7/5/2020 14:00

The sweet smell of success

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/11/2009 08:42 - Australia

Today, a neighbour called to say my water tank burst. A colleague followed me home to help, took off his shirt so it wouldn't get wet and climbed through my window to get to the roof. My boyfriend unexpectedly came home as we were emerging from the bedroom. My colleague was still buttoning his shirt up. FML

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By lildale92 - 29/11/2018 05:00

Today, I asked my husband to watch our kids while I cooked food for him. Apparently I asked in the wrong tone, because now he's pouting and won't eat. FML

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By KoNi - 21/11/2008 07:23 - France

Today, my 14-year-old little sister asked me how I felt when I had my first sexual intercourse. I told her it was personal and was none of her business. She then looked at me and said "I thought it was nice". I'm 19 and I'm still a virgin. FML

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By ihatemyjob - 3/9/2015 03:37 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years asked my dad if he could marry me, and my dad agreed. He then tells me that he's not going to propose for maybe another year at least, he "just wanted to get that out of the way." FML

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By Yudith - 4/6/2019 02:00

Today, at work, a customer pulled down her pants and lifted her sweater to reveal a hole in her chest full of greenish, stinky goo. I don't work in anything health-related. FML

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By deadfish - 3/10/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, my 9 year old little sister is coming back in town with the rest of my family. She specifically asked me to feed her fish. I totally forgot until she called me 10 minutes ago to tell me she was on her way home and couldn't wait to see her fishie. He's dead. FML

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By broken vows - 15/3/2014 21:48 - Canada - Cambridge

Today, I followed my wife out, since she's been acting strangely lately and I was suspicious. She met up with a guy at a restaurant, who she later claimed was her brother. Either she's cheating on me, or it's tradition in her family to make out and grope each other at the end of meals. FML

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By whatno - 19/6/2013 23:40 - United States - San Antonio

Today, I caught my 16-year-old daughter and her boyfriend trying to use a latex glove as a condom. FML

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By NoHappyEndings - 30/9/2017 17:15 - United States - Dundalk

Today, it's been four weeks since I got a job offer after months of grueling interviews. I turned down other offers to accept the job, but I'm still unemployed because no one at the company will take my calls about my official start date. I've been ghosted by a corporate office. FML

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By Wow - 4/9/2009 01:45 - United States

Today, my girlfriend called me and told me to come to her college, so I did. I was greeted by the campus police who told me to stop harassing her because she no longer wants to be with me. Then they told me I was no longer welcome on campus and hereby banned. She used campus police to dump me. FML

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By JD - 6/2/2010 01:20 - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

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By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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By thisucks - 28/1/2010 13:59 - Canada

Today, I went out on a date with a guy significantly older than myself. I told him I really liked him because I can have an intelligent conversation with him, unlike most guys my age. He told me he just wanted to get into my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2015 13:07

Today, I had to explain to my Romanian colleague that, no, a cat flap is not a euphemism for a vagina. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2016 10:02 - United States

Today, I reached down to pet an elderly man's dog. It jumped up and utterly mauled my face, drawing blood. As I gasped in shock and pain, the man looked me straight in the eye and said: "Careful, he likes to scratch." FML

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Top comments

By nswan | 5

#1617146 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

lucky cat...

By steelersfan32 | 0

#1617390 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:24

ydi for having boobs hard enough for a cat to sharpen them on.

Comments

By LoveAlways27 | 0

#1617121 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:48

ouch!

Reply

hotair10 | 9

#1617137 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:49

yeah, that pretty much sucks

Reply

KaySL | 24

#1617500 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:52

Your pussy has CLAWS? May I recommend some vagisil or something? Penicillin? Ooh, you're 14 years old? Will you suck my cock? I have candy!

^ Yeah, I know, don't even say it. I'm filling in for Perdix this time.

Reply

WishResign | 0

#1617522 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:58

YDI for petting it under the blanket grossing your roomate out. now your cat's getting you back for embarrassing it like that.

Reply

bailes_o_hay | 0

#1617569 - Thursday 28 October 2010 21:05

wrong FML my friend

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1617715 - Thursday 28 October 2010 21:43

Scratch your pussy.

Reply

Bloodberry | 0

#1618457 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:16

the pussy just wanted some pussy?

Reply

carlog | 0

#1618485 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:32

Maybe your pussy just needed some attention.

Reply

innerexlet | 0

#1618489 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:34

sorry 27# perdix is never THAT bad

Reply

Haterman123 | 0

#1618513 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:47

the pussy wanted to have some boob time :p

Reply

pinkpillowz | 0

#1619102 - Friday 29 October 2010 3:46

31- wrong fml! but they were both about cats...

Reply

zyzter | 0

#1619452 - Friday 29 October 2010 6:24

read it again 80, I think they meant to put it here

Reply

untoward | 0

#1619860 - Friday 29 October 2010 8:50

tough titty said the kitty but the milk was still good!

Reply

nathan5 | 0

#1627713 - Saturday 30 October 2010 21:00

i believe he was sharpening your breast with his claws...not sharpening his claws on your breast

By nswan | 5

#1617146 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

lucky cat...

Reply

agm2010 | 0

#1617294 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:06

she likes it rough(;

Reply

zinoxity | 23

#1617448 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:36

4 - That's what I thought.

Reply

MrFancy | 0

#1618000 - Thursday 28 October 2010 23:38

Grope!

Reply

baconhawkman | 0

#1619465 - Friday 29 October 2010 6:33

exactly

Reply

sloppy3301 | 3

#1620885 - Friday 29 October 2010 13:41

lucky only if their big :D

Reply

persianlovaaa691 | 0

#1625451 - Saturday 30 October 2010 9:53

wow #4 fkin sexy

By TheBestManEver | 0

#1617161 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:51

So much for foreplay...

By QTp13 | 10

#1617163 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:51

*cringes* I hope you are ok OP -_-

By mintcar | 9

#1617183 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

Ouch. That really blows.

Reply

lovethatpanda | 0

#1617264 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:02

Shin Chan is amazing.

By mintcar | 9

#1617187 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

Ouch. That really blows.

By jlynn97 | 0

#1617190 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

hahaha that's a nice cat.

By lovely_asian | 0

#1617208 - Thursday 28 October 2010 19:55

bad pussy cat! lol that must have hurt a lot though :/ sorry op

Reply

wolftastic | 0

#1619540 - Friday 29 October 2010 7:02

you're cute:)

By ROFLBERRYPIE | 0

#1617254 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:00

Careful with those!

By DarkHelmet | 10

#1617267 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:02

Not the titties!!!! Bad Kitty BAD!!!!!!

Reply

ksummerville91_fml | 0

#1617319 - Thursday 28 October 2010 20:11

he was just giving her a check up, it is October...

Reply

friker | 0

#1618483 - Friday 29 October 2010 2:31

dumb.

Reply

UsmcDevilDogs | 0

#1619317 - Friday 29 October 2010 5:01

to whoosh wats ur rank I'm cpt. sniper also recon u

Reply

DarkHelmet | 10

#1619456 - Friday 29 October 2010 6:27

who is whoosh?

Reply

yuhimjesus | 0

#1619955 - Friday 29 October 2010 9:04

calling bs on 84. A captain would be able to spell.