Animals: Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast.... - FML

By scratchpost - 28/10/2010 12:07 - United States

Today, my cat woke me up by sharpening his claws on my breast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 867

You deserved it 4 599

Our house, in the middle of our street

This Charming Man

The World won't Listen

The taste test

By Anonymous - 04/07/2021 07:59

Spicy

Today, I found out my boyfriend was cheating on me when I went to give him a blowjob after he got home and his knob tasted different. It was the other woman’s fanny juice still on him because he hadn’t had a shower yet. So f…ing angry and grossed out right now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 552

You deserved it 166

By blocked_by_fire - 17/04/2012 18:13 - United States - Pullman

Spicy

Today, while I was in the midst of the most mind-blowing shower sex ever, the fire alarm went off. My girlfriend had left the stove top on and the entire kitchen had caught on fire. So instead of finishing, I frantically ran around naked trying to douse the flames. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 613

You deserved it 4 477

By eeh - 07/05/2009 14:45 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. I really get off on hearing her say my name so I was imagining her doing so more often than she actually was. I then called out my own name by accident. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 592

You deserved it 103 276

By JMcKay - 26/01/2012 03:36 - Australia

Today, I found out that if a jock calls you a nerd in the street and you retaliate with a witty comeback, be prepared to run. Fast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 025

You deserved it 6 119

Nice!

By growlr - 20/07/2011 09:17 - Australia

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina looks like an old man in a hat. It's OK though, he said it was a nice hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 720

You deserved it 5 789

By ScoobieDoo - 20/03/2009 04:15 - United States

Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML

I agree, your life sucks 426 043

You deserved it 66 570

By curly_eyelashes - 24/02/2013 14:30 - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 750

You deserved it 14 404

By Queenie - 26/12/2018 14:00

Today, my work's annual Christmas party is at 3:00. Everyone in the office is off work at 2:00, except me and the boss who is staying 'til 4:00. I have been informed the boss is leaving early today to attend the Christmas party, but I need to lock up when I leave at 4:00. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 718

You deserved it 176

By Username - 06/11/2010 05:18 - France

Today, I was playing with my four month old daughter, flying her in the air like an airplane. I open my mouth saying 'Weeee', and she vomited on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 577

You deserved it 15 696

By Anonymous - 24/05/2017 02:00

Today, I got better phone reception crossing an inlet on a ferry than I normally do at my own house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 554

You deserved it 337

I'm gonna come

By Anonymous - 27/09/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, despite warning my new girlfriend I suffer from bad premature ejaculation, and should get her to orgasm first with my hand or mouth, she insisted I “just fuck her already” then she blamed me when it was over in 15 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 982

You deserved it 224

By Anonymous - 27/01/2010 19:51 - Canada

Today, while my teacher was in the middle of a lecture, I accidentally made it so my laptop would display everything upside down. It took me the rest of class to get it right side up again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 167

You deserved it 30 918

By Savingforplasticsurgery - 14/04/2018 19:00

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 347

You deserved it 2 420

By KitchenFlooder - 01/02/2018 01:30

Today, I flooded my entire kitchen. The water was cut off at night and I left the faucet open without realizing. When the sound woke me up at 5am, the water reached my ankles. I frantically tried to sweep it out before my mother woke up at 6am. I didn't make it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 467

You deserved it 1 793

Reverse Uno card

By really_now - 26/04/2013 00:56 - United States - Reno

Today, I was driving when I noticed that the guy in front was on the phone. I pulled up next to him, pulled out my phone and I made a gesture that he needed to put his phone away. It was a cop. I got a ticket for driving while on my cell phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 046

You deserved it 34 321

By allgrowedup - 12/02/2011 03:10 - United States

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 302

You deserved it 5 481

By Anonymous - 09/02/2013 16:11 - Canada - Stoney Creek

Spicy

Today, my fiancé told me that it would be okay with him if I got plastic surgery to make my boobs larger. It would also be okay with him if I didn't get the surgery, but he would call off our engagement and never talk to me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 542

You deserved it 6 507

Rush hour

By lateforwork - 02/09/2019 14:00

Today, whilst heading out the door to go to work, my lanyard got caught on the doorknob inside, and I watched my keys swing back inside as the door closed behind me. It was locked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 672

You deserved it 227

By Anonymous - 17/06/2009 16:32 - Russian Federation

Today, at my job in a chemists, I had a customer ask me which acne cream I would recommend. I picked up the brand I use and told her that I've been using it for a year now. After pausing to stare at my face for a second, she thanked me and picked up the competing brand instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 954

You deserved it 5 721

By JustMarried - 07/05/2016 21:47 - Ukraine

Spicy

Today, my wife wanted to have a threesome. During our honeymoon. With the maid of honor. I didn't sign up for this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 075

You deserved it 4 225

By drunkenloser - 20/09/2013 07:22 - United States

Today, my alcoholism reached a new low when I found myself sitting on the toilet drinking a bottle of wine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 126

You deserved it 38 417

Take the hints

By Unwanted - 03/11/2015 19:10 - Austria

Today, my boyfriend declared he doesn't feel ready to move in with me for at least "some more years". We have already been together for five years. When he bought an apartment one year ago, he kept it a secret for three months. Maybe I should learn to take a hint. Or several hints. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 558

You deserved it 4 593

Cathartic

By Anonymous - 23/07/2021 15:59

Today, I was bored and horny. I figured, what the hell, and downloaded an adult visual novel. Five hours later, I was heartbroken and couldn't stop crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 702

You deserved it 321

By Notasinner - 24/05/2012 22:39 - United Kingdom - London

Today, a drunk man wearing a sandwich-board proclaiming that, "The end is nigh" threw some so-called holy water at me while bellowing, "It's what Jesus would've wanted" and that I should "repent for being an evil shite." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 791

You deserved it 2 183

By emi - 01/07/2012 04:30

Today, not only does my cat rabidly attack my face if I don't let him sleep on my pillow, but he snores too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 913

You deserved it 5 300

By "Alittlebitiffy" - 26/04/2017 14:00

Today, my husband insists he'll be able to make a career out of playing League of Legends. He says this with only $4 in our bank account because of his last brilliant career move. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 781

You deserved it 631

Creepy

By Dummy - 10/11/2009 05:47 - United States

Today, I saw an adorable girl at the bar and I went to talk to her. I decided to use my cheesiest pick up line to make her laugh. After I said it, she knew who I was. It was my cousin I hadn't seen in 8 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 574

You deserved it 16 006

By Autocorrected - 26/11/2012 20:13 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I had some soup that my dad made. I took one sip and found he had put tons of hot sauce in it. I rushed to drink from a soda can sitting on the counter, only to find that my mom had used it as an ash tray the night before. I can still taste the hot sauce, and the ash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 404

You deserved it 3 349

By sewdevastated - 18/05/2016 02:02 - United States - Fremont

Today, I found out that my mother intentionally donated the quilt that I had made for her, because, "It didn't match anything". That was $70 worth of fabric and 7 and a half weeks spent on that handiwork of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 008

You deserved it 957

By maalmawr - 02/04/2016 05:20 - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 880

You deserved it 3 398

By Anonymous - 02/09/2015 13:56 - India - Chennai

Today, I've been calling my girlfriend by her nickname for so long, I had to reactivate my Facebook account to find her real name. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 253

You deserved it 26 679

By Anonymous - 27/09/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 398

You deserved it 42 718

By Anonymous - 13/10/2010 14:45 - Brunei Darussalam

Today, my crush walked me home. As my mom opens the door, she tells me in Russian how ugly he is, and that I have extremely bad taste. Out of all the languages in the world, he happens to be fluent in Russian. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 756

You deserved it 3 955

By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 13:57 - Norway

Today, my landlord came to my apartment because of complaints from my neighbors, saying that animals are not allowed inside. Turns out my roommate makes cat-noises when she's bored. My landlord still doesn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 126

You deserved it 2 346

By GoldenSteve - 05/11/2015 15:31 - United States - Humble

Today, my gym teacher ranted about how the government should put all the death row inmates in a coliseum and film them fighting. I guess he lied when he said he only drinks at the weekend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 392

You deserved it 2 520

By KP - 25/06/2009 16:22 - United States

Today, while I was working a customer notified me that the men's restroom need some attention. Thinking that there was just a small mess, I walked into the restroom only to discover someone had taken a crap in the sink. Guess who got to clean it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 046

You deserved it 3 077

By Mick - 20/02/2009 08:29 - United States

Today, I saw an elderly man fall in a crosswalk, so I jumped off my bike to help. As I helped him across, the light turned green. I then watched across a 6 lane street as someone stole my bike. FML

I agree, your life sucks 861 271

You deserved it 94 351

By anonymus - 18/08/2009 16:33 - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 794

You deserved it 10 262

By ohdeargodthatswrong - 09/01/2010 13:25 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend when my dad pulled up to pick me up from his house. My dad beeped his horn and my boyfriend opened his bedroom curtain, knocked on the window, and waved. While he was still inside of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 291

You deserved it 6 138

I am the passenger…

By northernlass - 01/10/2010 14:32 - United States

Today, I boarded a trans-Atlantic flight by myself, and struck up a nice conversation with the passenger across the aisle. Before we even took off, the man in front of me unbuckled, stood to face me, and asked me to please shut the hell up. "It's a 9 hour flight, and you're VERY loud!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 462

You deserved it 36 898

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Top comments

nswan 5

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

lucky cat...

steelersfan32 0

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:24

ydi for having boobs hard enough for a cat to sharpen them on.

Comments

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:48

ouch!

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:49

yeah, that pretty much sucks

KaySL 24

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:52

Your pussy has CLAWS? May I recommend some vagisil or something? Penicillin? Ooh, you're 14 years old? Will you suck my cock? I have candy! ^ Yeah, I know, don't even say it. I'm filling in for Perdix this time.

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:58

YDI for petting it under the blanket grossing your roomate out. now your cat's getting you back for embarrassing it like that.

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Thursday 28 October 2010 21:05

wrong FML my friend

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Thursday 28 October 2010 21:43

Scratch your pussy.

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Friday 29 October 2010 2:16

the pussy just wanted some pussy?

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Friday 29 October 2010 2:32

Maybe your pussy just needed some attention.

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Friday 29 October 2010 2:34

sorry 27# perdix is never THAT bad

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Friday 29 October 2010 2:47

the pussy wanted to have some boob time :p

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Friday 29 October 2010 3:46

31- wrong fml! but they were both about cats...

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Friday 29 October 2010 6:24

read it again 80, I think they meant to put it here

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Friday 29 October 2010 8:50

tough titty said the kitty but the milk was still good!

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Saturday 30 October 2010 21:00

i believe he was sharpening your breast with his claws...not sharpening his claws on your breast

nswan 5

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:50

lucky cat...

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:06

she likes it rough(;

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:36

4 - That's what I thought.

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Thursday 28 October 2010 23:38

Grope!

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Friday 29 October 2010 6:33

exactly

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Friday 29 October 2010 13:41

lucky only if their big :D

persianlovaaa691 0

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Saturday 30 October 2010 9:53

wow #4 fkin sexy

TheBestManEver 0

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:51

So much for foreplay...

QTp13 10

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:51

*cringes* I hope you are ok OP -_-

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

Ouch. That really blows.

lovethatpanda 0

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:02

Shin Chan is amazing.

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

Ouch. That really blows.

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:52

hahaha that's a nice cat.

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Thursday 28 October 2010 19:55

bad pussy cat! lol that must have hurt a lot though :/ sorry op

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Friday 29 October 2010 7:02

you're cute:)

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:00

Careful with those!

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:02

Not the titties!!!! Bad Kitty BAD!!!!!!

ksummerville91_fml 0

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Thursday 28 October 2010 20:11

he was just giving her a check up, it is October...

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Friday 29 October 2010 2:31

dumb.

UsmcDevilDogs 0

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Friday 29 October 2010 5:01

to whoosh wats ur rank I'm cpt. sniper also recon u

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Friday 29 October 2010 6:27

who is whoosh?

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Friday 29 October 2010 9:04

calling bs on 84. A captain would be able to spell.

Nearly

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24

You deserved it 4

Today, I realized the cute girl with a nice ass, long hair and a great personality I've been talking to is actually a very gay dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19

You deserved it 51

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 317

You deserved it 41

Today, a guy drove an hour and a half to get to where I live, only to literally last less than 30 seconds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 462

You deserved it 102