Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML
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Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend would rather jerk off to porn than to ever touch me, even if I wear a naughty outfit. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said, "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML
Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML
Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML
Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML
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Top comments
Elovena 9
At least he cares enough to try.
lissalove17 8
He sucks on your toes?! Absolutely disgusting.
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Comments (90)
misspulkadot24 17
Ok I've just decided that I'm never reading this book. Every comment on here about it disturbs the bejeezus out of me.
Rianokami 22
Me neither. I'm not reading it.
rainbowkissies 14
i'm actually going to go read it xD i want to know what everyone is talking about.
j_cat187 19
It like **** but for your mom
AliceLockehart 18
It's terrible, in all honesty. If you want decent BDSM fiction, check out the Sleeping Beauty series Anne Rice wrote under the pseudonym A. N Roquelare :)
KiddNYC1O 20
That's pretty hot.
kimg0885 23
That's the most instructions I've ever heard of a guy reading! Cheer up op at least he's willing to go the extra mile to please you. Just show him what you like. That should solve your problem
kimg0885 23
By the way did any one see the episode of weeds where Andy does a toe porno?
rcgirl2 11
He's just trying to please you. Cut him some slack.
Davick 0
Two things about that book. 1 its evil! 2 if its not a movie by the end of this year ill be shocked.
Dracoboxer357 35
92- I heard it is being made into a movie actually....november release date, if I'm not dreadfully mistaken.....
Austyn57 1
id suck yo toes to mami ;)
THE_A_TEEN 27
Uhh, Yeah... go join the rest of the perverts down at the dungeon.
Sanch101 7
At least he didn't try out the mentally and physically abusive stalker aspect of Mr Grey and suggest you would go well in his dungeon.
thecovert 7
Takes one to know...wait, that isn't it...monkey see, monk....wait, not that either....heck with it...you must BE one!
Dixbfloppin 11
Well, at least he tried.
UsernameHere234 13
I can't help but say YDI cuz if you weren't reading it he wouldn't think you enjoy it.
Kwagyash 13
OP never said she was reading it.