Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML
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Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend would rather jerk off to porn than to ever touch me, even if I wear a naughty outfit. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said, "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML
Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML
Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML
Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML
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Top comments
Elovena 9
At least he cares enough to try.
lissalove17 8
He sucks on your toes?! Absolutely disgusting.
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Comments (90)
superswagger13 2
Toe sucking? Seriously? Do you know how much bacteria and germs are on a persons feet? Stop with the toe sucking, its disgusting. And not sexy at all. Instant ****** dry up. But at least he's trying! yeah! :)
jetteg21 5
Same!!! My boyfriend thinks tying me up with a tie is "hot" and bought us a flogger too -_-
mr_montoya254 3
Show some gratitude at least he is trying.
The_9th_Doctor 18
he needs to build a red room
brickson98 3
Foot fetishes are nasty. When I read this, I nearly puked.
Koizumiii 23
I HATE feet... I don't want to kiss toes, I wouldn't want to kiss someone who had toes near their mouth!
Snoopy0718 14
Tg
fantasyworld 37
50 Shades is a horrible guide for sex.
J15237 25
Tell him to read Grey. It might be more helpful and filled with better details.
peterblackmer91 12
I did not see toe sucking in the book.