Today, against my advice, my boyfriend decided to read Fifty Shades of Grey in an attempt to learn how to please me in bed. Now all he does is suck on my toes, and thinks it's weird that I don't spontaneously orgasm as if I'm some kind of nymphomaniacal weirdo. FML
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Today, my boyfriend told me he doesn't know what it's like to be turned on. Apparently, I've been doing something wrong for the past two years. FML
Today, my boyfriend wanted to take our relationship to the next level. I assumed since we live together that he meant marriage. I was wrong; the next level is me jacking him off with my feet. FML
Today, I found out that my boyfriend would rather jerk off to porn than to ever touch me, even if I wear a naughty outfit. FML
Today, in the middle of sex, my boyfriend sighed, said, "I can't do this any more" and pulled out. After repeatedly asking him what was wrong, he basically told me that I suck in bed. Apparently, the way I "just lie there" makes him feel like a necrophile. FML
Today, my partner was inspired by 50 Shades Of Grey to try making me orgasm with a full bladder, therefore intensifying the experience. He was right, it was mind blowing. It also made me piss the bed for the first time in twenty-odd years. FML
Today, after telling my boyfriend I was willing to try just about anything to revive our sex life, he confessed to having a swirly fetish. FML
Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend has a fetish for cats. I think I'm going to have to meow before we do anything together. FML
Today, after what I thought was an amazing sex session with my boyfriend, he let out a big sigh and told me I need to watch more porn. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I decided it was finally time for both of us to have sex with each other. He kept his shoes on the whole time because he thought he had smelly feet. FML
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Top comments
Elovena 9
At least he cares enough to try.
lissalove17 8
He sucks on your toes?! Absolutely disgusting.
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Comments (90)
Levvy 22
So, if he's going by the book, I guess his next attempt will be to get you to call him a mother hamster? (If you don't know what I'm talking about, just do a web search: "fifty shades of grey" hamster)
BigCatDaddy 2
Ok first of all Fifty shades is complete crap, poorly written and badly researched. And out of all that is in there, he choose toe sucking? what a moron
owo_fml 9
What I don't understand is that, if Fifty Shades of Grey is Twilight fanfiction, and if by now most people have hopped onto the Twilight bashing bandwagon, why is Fifty Shades so popular? Well, OP, best wishes in bed.
_wraith 15
Sex sells, baby.
tnicole94 3
He read that entire book, and THAT was what he chose to do?
Levvy 22
At least he didn't eat her hamster?
Valiumknights44 12
After having read 2 of 3 books in the Fifty Shades of Grey trilogy I must agree that not only are the books poorly written, but they also fail to show a accurate depiction of a relationship. The characters are miraculously and dangerously in love with each other after only five weeks of having sex
Valiumknights44 12
And for those who say that the book is practically about rape, last time I checked rape is forcing sex in someone who doesn't want it. Ana's character is not only willing but initiates a lot of the sex herself. I think that being uncomfortable with the way the have sex is making people's imaginations run in overdrive.
rockurheart 9
wiiiin
unluckyatlove1 6
I have read all three books. I don't remember any toe sucking. The boyfriend is getting off on this and he's too embarrassed to admit he's got a foot fetish, so the book becomes an excuse.
Taurus_ChicKa 36
Finally, a book/series other than Twilight for people to hate on. I hear they're thinking of turning 50 Shades of Grey into a movie...really? Why not just make it a porno...that's all it is. Anyway, I think what the boyfriend was getting at was, apparently, there is a lot of finger-sucking in the book (according to a review), and OP's boyfriend switched it up for her toes. I'm with her though - how is that appealing? Gross...and if your feet are ticklish, someone is getting kicked in the face if they're doing that. Seriously, if he wants to learn about sex, that isn't the book for it - it's about dominant sex, half the time borderlining on S&M. Tell him to read Cosmo - there are sections there for guys.
akg98 13
Oh my god!!! Its an erotic lit book?!?? Ewwwwwww my mom is reading that!!!!