Love: Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 92

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 464

You deserved it 122

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 190

You deserved it 1 620

04/10/2013 02:56

Today, after watching an episode of New Girl, my boyfriend became obsessed with the "Cotton-eyed Joe" song. He won't stop playing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 386

You deserved it 4 654

Vulture

Broken heart

Too passionate for me

02/05/2011 04:46

Today, I realized that the cashier at the liquor store and I are already on a first-name basis. I just moved to this town a week ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 945

You deserved it 36 168

Impressive

By Anonymous - 05/03/2021 08:01

Today, I had a big job interview on Zoom. I forgot my name was set as "Fat F***". I joined the call and the older lady interviewing me was very offended. FML

I agree, your life sucks 217

You deserved it 1 354

16/08/2011 19:27

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 661

You deserved it 27 279

Stereotypes

By Anonymous - 26/09/2019 06:01

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 456

You deserved it 305

13/09/2013 21:31

Today, while chatting with a friend online, I told her that Kristen Stewart isn't going to star in the 50 Shades movie as she originally thought. She then spammed me with so many "NO"/"NO WAY" messages that my crappy laptop froze up, forcing me to reboot and lose a ton of unsaved essay notes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 733

You deserved it 12 498

22/10/2014 20:55

Today, I got in an argument with my teacher for always comparing me to my sister that she had a few years before. After I said, "I'm not my sister so please stop comparing me to her," she responded, "Of course you're not your sister, I actually like your sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 164

You deserved it 5 746

03/10/2009 01:01

Today, I got offered a ride to go home for the weekend. I go to college six hours away from home and haven't seen my family for almost two months. When I called my mom with the good news, she told me not to come. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 903

You deserved it 2 575

Not feeling it

By Anonymous - 20/06/2021 02:01

Spicy

Today, it’s been over 15 months since I’ve had sex with my fiancé. We’re getting married next month. Now I'm wondering if we’ll have sex at all on our honeymoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 185

You deserved it 296

05/02/2017 05:00

Today, I got a badly-needed job at a local discount store. After being hired, I found out I'm to help with the soon-to-begin store closing sale, and I'll be jobless again after 3 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 854

You deserved it 442

No kink-shaming

By Cybertronianchic - 05/09/2020 09:58

Spicy

Today, I realised I'm so much more sexually attracted to Transformers than anyone I've ever met. FML

I agree, your life sucks 996

You deserved it 553

09/06/2014 21:45

Today, I was spinning some yarn around to make my new cat run in circles. After about 10 seconds, he stopped going in circles and went straight ahead, happily running several feet into the wall and knocking himself out. My bowel movements have more brain-power than this thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 875

You deserved it 9 433

Who's been a naughty girl?

By one cock too many - 04/08/2020 05:02

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m the guy whose wife made adult films in college. Although embarrassed, I thought I may be able to get past it. Except for the fact that we dated in college, and she insisted we wait until after we were married to have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 448

You deserved it 338

27/07/2019 16:00

Today, my youngest of four children turned 18. It was also the same day that my ex-wife called to tell me that after 18 years of paying child support, I wasn't the father. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 673

You deserved it 153

27/10/2009 22:24

Today, I noticed that I've been spelling my company's name wrong in my email signature for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 912

You deserved it 43 998

16/06/2013 20:20

Today, my best friend called me a moron for disputing her belief that Canada is in South America. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 207

You deserved it 4 273

06/10/2018 03:00

Today, my husband is adamant he is not a cheater because "it only counts as cheating if you have sex with other women for free" so apparently 20-year-old male prostitutes don't count because they're not women and they cost money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 840

You deserved it 186

13/11/2014 22:26

Today, I found out the one good thing about having fat rolls: when someone walks in on you sitting on the toilet, they hide your private parts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 498

You deserved it 6 387

19/11/2009 09:03

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 009

You deserved it 3 473

24/12/2010 21:14

Spicy

Today, I was at the dentist's, getting my teeth cleaned. He thought it would be funny to suddenly go on in detail about the fantastic sex he and his wife had the night before. I was unable to speak the entire time. The dentist is my grandpa. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 318

You deserved it 3 670

18/09/2015 14:43

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 977

You deserved it 1 780

12/02/2011 03:10

Today, my mom left me at home with a babysitter. I'm 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 298

You deserved it 5 481

Paul Blurt

By Anonymous - 22/06/2021 16:01

Today, I had various items thrown at me all day at school, one one of which was a ruler that landed flat on my back where I had blistered and peeling sunburn. I yelped, "Motherf***er!" because of the pain, and I was the one given detention. FML

I agree, your life sucks 841

You deserved it 126

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

By ThanksAsshole - 28/03/2020 20:00

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 206

You deserved it 154

Chili beans

By "Caroline Ballard Turner" - 22/12/2019 14:00

Today, I woke up to find that there has been a water main break in my neighborhood and there is no running water until the break is located and fixed. I had chili with beans late last night and it is wreaking havoc with my lower gastrointestinal track, and the toilet won't flush. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 006

You deserved it 214

20/05/2015 23:21

Today, I was at my best friend's house, listening to him complain about his mother remembering all the bad stuff he did when he was in high school. I jokingly said, "An elephant never forgets." Guess who was behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 780

You deserved it 10 874

23/03/2012 07:39

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend, and ended up sitting next to this girl who wouldn't stop sneezing. Grossed out, I asked my boyfriend if we could switch seats. After doing so, the girl immediately stopped sneezing and started flirting with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 027

You deserved it 5 963

02/06/2009 06:39

Today, I was designing a newspaper page with a story about an aggressive female bird that was defending its nest and attacking students near some stairs. In the article were photos of victims who were attacked. We had a good laugh over it. Later, I was walking there and the bird attacked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 397

You deserved it 61 545

04/10/2009 18:13

Today, I drove my cousin to her wedding. The photographer said I was too ugly for the official photos so they searched the crowd for a good looking guy to pose as the driver in my new car. No one in the crowd stopped to defend me. My mom told me it's my own fault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 816

You deserved it 4 755

17/08/2015 08:33

Today, after hearing the doctor saying my girlfriend can never be pregnant, I got a bit too excited. I'm currently on the 5th hour of the silent treatment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 654

You deserved it 42 659

27/01/2010 20:03

Today, after spending a few minutes de-icing my car and leaving the heat on so it would warm up, I slipped as I was entering the car and hit my head on the door, causing it to close and lock. I'm waiting for my mom who has a spare key to come and unlock it. Class started ten minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 565

You deserved it 3 856

30/12/2010 07:14

Today, I finally went running to help me start losing weight. I got 50 metres before someone in a passing car shouted out "Run fatty, run". I can't work up the courage to go for a run again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 960

You deserved it 7 383

27/01/2009 17:33

Today, I realised I like Britney Spears. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 236

You deserved it 33 972

02/09/2009 09:21

Today, I was walking with my boyfriend down the street and a really hot guy walked past with no shirt on. While distracted by his hardened stomach muscles, I promptly walked into a pole, then became single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 755

You deserved it 72 097

04/07/2011 16:09

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 047

You deserved it 15 127

Second time

By timon_n_pumbaa - 11/01/2020 09:00

Today, I found myself locked in a bathroom for the second time in my life. This time at least I was at home. I live alone. I had to break the window on the shower door and crawl out. Now, I need to crawl in/out to shower, brush my teeth and more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 909

You deserved it 1 180

Rock Bottom Riser

By Anonymous - 27/03/2020 08:19

Today I realized that my boyfriend has more money on his Metro card than I have in my entire bank account. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 414

You deserved it 259

Not likely in 2020

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 20:02

Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML

I agree, your life sucks 738

You deserved it 146

12/09/2013 00:16

Spicy

Today, I had sex with a guy wearing a KFC uniform. Hat included. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 763

You deserved it 73 837

06/09/2015 04:55

Today, the girl I like at work surprised me in the otherwise empty break room. She caught me taking part in what might as well have been the Ball-Scratching Olympics. I didn't notice she was behind me until she cleared her throat to get my attention. Shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 398

You deserved it 13 068

04/04/2011 19:47

Today, I returned home to find the key to my mailbox missing. I called the post office and was informed that a new key will cost me $15. I have no money, and my paycheck is in the mailbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 292

You deserved it 5 190

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:43

Where did you come from, where did you go,........Where did you come from cotton eye Joe

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:36

Get to the store and buy him a brand new cd of your favorite band? Otherwise good luck with the earplugs...

Comments

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:36

Get to the store and buy him a brand new cd of your favorite band? Otherwise good luck with the earplugs...

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:44

Give him headphones and let him get sick of the song on his own

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 10:23

Why don't you learn the dance for him... It's better than the song and fun!

jw90 18

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 12:25

Might I suggest getting him to listen to some Avenged Sevenfold, Disturbed, Metallica, or Linkin Park?

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 12:46

You forgot Nirvana, Dead By April and Bullet for my Valentine, sir.

ShadowFlame275 18

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 13:31

#21 You got all my favorite bands.

ChevyRedneck85 13

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 14:41

Ain't nothing wrong with that song

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 16:14

As I lay dying, atreyu, and skillet are good too.

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:42

I could imagine how you feel. that song was annoying to me in 1st grade 15 years ago.

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:43

get back at him with like JB's "Baby" or any of his other crap songs ;-)

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:46

There's no need for OP to torture herself.

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:49

that's true . . .

jc10x 8

Send a private message

Saturday 5 October 2013 1:35

Hating on JB is really old..

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:43

Where did you come from, where did you go,........Where did you come from cotton eye Joe

tpm45 25

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 12:30

I don't need my cotton eyed Joe, I been married a long time ago. Where did you come from? Where did you go? Where did you come from Cotton Eyed Joe?

Umbreon_Princess 12

Send a private message

Sunday 28 June 2015 2:04

If it hadnt been for cotton eyed joe, I'd been married a long tome ago... If you're going to quote the song pleace at least get the lyrics right :P

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:46

Boy do I know what you are going through with, OP. Perhaps confronting him with the fact that it is annoying might make it quit. It worked for me, so I am only speaking of personal experience here...

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 9:58

You should be a good girl and teach him the dance :D

UFIUETSimpdesign 5

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 10:00

Hahaha new girls a funny show

Kaylee_Knudsen 19

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 10:09

He'll get tired if it eventually. Unless you don't have the patience, unhook all the speakers in your house.

wafflefriez91 17

Send a private message

Monday 7 October 2013 10:30

Screw that id cut the damn cords lol.

Grand_Cookie 21

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 10:17

I'm failing to see the problem here.

Send a private message

Friday 4 October 2013 10:19

Does he do the dance too?