Intimacy: Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, after sleeping with a guy I met at a party, I woke up to find him peeing in the corner of my room on my roommate's carpet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9502

You deserved it

24191

Tweet

Share

There's no helping some people

Our house, in the middle of our street

Always ask for documentation

By lalalee - United States

Today, my father came back from a business trip in Canada. He handed me an "I Love Canada" pen. He brought back an xbox 360 for my younger brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks

68037

You deserved it

3323

Tweet

Share

By McFired - United States

Today, I got fired from my job for harassing customers over the weekend. I didn't work over the weekend. I left my nametag there on Friday and my co-workers thought it would be funny to wear my nametag all weekend. One of them got into a fight with a customer and they took her 'name' down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

75487

You deserved it

7266

Tweet

Share

By future brain bleach addict - Canada - Victoria

Today, I walked in on my sister apparently trying to eat herself out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76879

You deserved it

8533

Tweet

Share

By FenRackety - Canada

Today, at work, I was trying to get the octopus out of its tank to transfer it to another one. It instantly latched to my face and sprayed ink all over me. My boss told me to stop playing with the animals. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54634

You deserved it

5754

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé and I planned a romantic movie night. Champagne, popcorn, romantic comedy. Then his friend decided to show up and they've been talking about 1st generation Pokémon ever since. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30630

You deserved it

5806

Tweet

Share

By Anon - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I asked my friend to crop me out of her profile picture on Facebook because I look terrible in it. She responded that she wasn't going to, because it made her look better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44796

You deserved it

5480

Tweet

Share

By zombie mommy

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1378

You deserved it

207

Tweet

Share

By Sacho

Hiking is so much fun!

Today, 4 miles into a mountain hike with my crush, I suddenly felt a stomach pain, followed by the urge for explosive diarrhea. I had to stand still with my butt clenched to prevent shitting myself. There were no nearby bathrooms, and I didn't have any toilet paper. It was messy. She'll never see me the same. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1712

You deserved it

146

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Monson

Today, I realized that all the times I checked behind the shower curtain before peeing didn't prepare me for what to do if someone was actually there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35830

You deserved it

4039

Tweet

Share

By BaliTheDog - France

Today, I was walking my dog when he stopped in the middle of the street and took a dump. I looked around furtively but saw nobody, so I just kept walking. I stepped in it on the way back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11998

You deserved it

97315

Tweet

Share

By let ‘Er rip

The Sweet Smell of Success

Today, I was out on my first date in months. My stomach didn’t feel quite right after dinner, but I tried to ignore it. During the movie, it got so bad I decided to try to sneak a small fart for relief. As soon as I did, the theater fell dead silent. My fart practically echoed in the silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1622

You deserved it

535

Tweet

Share

By sissydlk - United States

Today, my wonderful boyfriend asked me if I wanted him to cook me scrambled eggs with sausage for breakfast. When I said yes, he pulled out his junk, and started shaking it violently in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40128

You deserved it

10327

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7347

You deserved it

44766

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/7/2021 08:01

Livin' la vida loca

Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he can have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer and playing his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks

351

You deserved it

213

Tweet

Share

By handyjon - United States

Today, I unclogged a toilet. With my hand. For the second time this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30826

You deserved it

16810

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was putting my horse away into her pasture, when I slipped in the mud. In a haisty attempt to support myself, I grabbed the electric fence in on hand, and my horse with the other. The shock from the fence traveled through me to her, sending her running and leaving me with 2 broken teeth. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45081

You deserved it

6765

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Shelbyville

Today, my boyfriend saw a YouTube video of a guy throwing boiling water into the cold air, with the water immediately turning to ice and vapor. He copied it, but only succeeded in dousing himself with boiling water, then making me drive his idiot self to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48216

You deserved it

5661

Tweet

Share

By gallstones - United States

Today, it was my birthday, and my boyfriend got surgery on his gallbladder because he had big gallstones. After they were removed, he was still a little out of it from the morphine. He gave the gallstones to me for my birthday. Better still, his mom suggested I make a necklace out of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54147

You deserved it

3821

Tweet

Share

By annie

Today, my mother-in-law visited. She saw my 5-year-old son rip open a chip bag, causing chips go everywhere. She got up in his face and started screaming at him about how he has an "attitude problem". He doesn't, he's autistic and genuinely has trouble with food packaging. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4215

You deserved it

230

Tweet

Share

By ALLALA - Canada

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49842

You deserved it

24320

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, as I was pulling out of my apartment complex, I was rear-ended. When I got out of my car to see how bad the damage was, I wondered why the other guy wasn't getting out of his. As it turns out, he was busy pleasing himself. I found out when I approached his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7798

You deserved it

432

Tweet

Share

By NewDrugs - United States - Charlotte

Today, I went back home after seeing the doctor, I told my boyfriend my new medicine might cause some mood swings. He immediately grabbed his phone and pretended to take a call, then rushed out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28167

You deserved it

3522

Tweet

Share

By Martin - 15/3/2021 17:00

People don't always get sarcasm

Today, my son asked if there was a way to make parenting easier. I sarcastically told him he could be a deadbeat who sees his kid every two weeks. He must have thought I was serious because he broke up with his girlfriend and baby, turned up at my door expecting to have his old room, and told my wife it was my idea. FML

I agree, your life sucks

689

You deserved it

997

Tweet

Share

By YuckyDuckyLucky - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29739

You deserved it

5781

Tweet

Share

By TheSentinel05

You should know!

Today, my mom screamed at me for not cleaning out the coffee machine. When I told her that wasn’t part of my chores and she never asked me to do it, she screamed at me for not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1437

You deserved it

359

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my 12-year-old sister, who sometimes has difficulty coming up with the right words while speaking, used the word "intercourse" to replace "encounter". She was joking to my dad that she, "had an 'intercourse' with Bob Dylan." I can't get the image out of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13799

You deserved it

1311

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I broke my nose trying to pop a really stubborn pimple. By the time I felt the cartilage rip, it was too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1201

You deserved it

1054

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - United States

Today, I tripped over my dog and landed on my face while trying to prove to my father that I can walk and chew gum at the same time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9274

You deserved it

25949

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 20:02

"Based on your purchase history…"

Today, in the break room at work, I was looking through my email on my phone about my Amazon orders. There was a suggested product that looked like a dildo. I turned around to see my boss behind me glancing at my phone. FML

I agree, your life sucks

933

You deserved it

235

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/3/2021 05:00 - Germany - Ebersbach

Wake up bark

Today, my mom taught her dog not to jump onto her bed without "asking". The dog figured that barking would be a good way to ask, and mostly feels the need to do that around 4 a.m. My room is right next to my mom’s, and I already have trouble sleeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks

835

You deserved it

54

Tweet

Share

By Tanny

Today, I was playing basketball, and while trying to jump and shoot, I farted on the face of the person behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4601

You deserved it

627

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a minor outpatient procedure that required sedation. I am not supposed to drive or even be alone for 24 hours. My husband wouldn't take the day off to go with me, and instead of coming home from work, he is at the bar with his coworkers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34984

You deserved it

3450

Tweet

Share

By Username

Tasty!

Today, my boyfriend told me the thing that gets him really horny. Apple sauce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34976

You deserved it

5709

Tweet

Share

By NoPromotionForYou

The sweet smell of success

Today, I was alone at the office. Having held it in all day, I let out the longest, worst-smelling fart of my life. The owner of the company, investigating the odd noise, opened my office door. When the stench hit him, he walked backwards all the way to his office, staring at me, in silence. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1398

You deserved it

570

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39971

You deserved it

4412

Tweet

Share

By Unsuspecting - United States

Today, I started my period almost a week earlier than I expected to. I also happened to be at the beach with a guy that I really liked when it started. He was the one who noticed, and he informed me by saying that we couldn't go back in the water or we would be eaten by sharks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23455

You deserved it

1719

Tweet

Share

By pimplesapparently - United States - New York

Today, I sent my friend a snapchat without any makeup on. She asked what filter I used because it made my face look all red and blotchy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21120

You deserved it

2754

Tweet

Share

By Lissa

All the single ladies (All the single ladies)

Today, I’m a 28 year-old single mom who has never has never experienced an orgasm. This sucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1685

You deserved it

537

Tweet

Share

By toelie

Today, at 6 weeks pregnant, I went to the ER in the middle of the night for severe abdominal pain, fearing ectopic pregnancy. Turns out it was just a wayward turd. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3803

You deserved it

458

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Corrimal

Today, I couldn't see my car in a crowded car park. I pressed unlock on my keys and saw the lights flash. As I walked over I also saw someone run from my car with an armful of my stuff. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25650

You deserved it

6574

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By iheartjustinsane | 0

#625638 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:32

YDI for sleeping with some guy you just met.

By youdontdeserveit_fml | 0

#625695 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:27

shamwow?

COMMENTS

By iheartjustinsane | 0

#625638 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:32

YDI for sleeping with some guy you just met.

Reply

cookiepenguin | 0

#874844 - Saturday 20 February 2010 8:28

his roomates carpet? sounds like foreplay. what a cheater

Reply

chopra | 0

#1177361 - Monday 2 August 2010 15:45

ur a stupid slut who nobody wants in the community we have enough prostitutes so find another career.

By Superawesomestev | 0

#625668 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:03

Sounds like my brother, except he goes in closets and on computers. Sorry, that does suck.

Reply

nitrogirl | 0

#1000672 - Friday 21 May 2010 15:20

at least it wasn't yet carpet(:

By Jonr1138 | 6

#625670 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:07

I say this not a fml or ydi. I say clean it up and know you know he is not the one.

By Ron_fml | 0

#625674 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:08

YDI for being a Slut

Reply

Villa3L | 0

#628762 - Tuesday 20 October 2009 4:37

You're Fcking Retarded .
It's Called Sex , If You Did It Right You Wouldnt Be So Judgmental .. Ahole

Reply

cozzybear | 0

#978950 - Monday 12 April 2010 14:34

lol ron ftw

Reply

Bladian | 5

#4231447 - Thursday 29 March 2012 9:12

Villa3l is clearly a slut.

By skyeyez9 | 24

#625681 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:14

you will have to lift up the carpet, cut out the piss soaked carpet liner, replace it with a clean piece, scrub the bottom of the floor beneath the carpet and liner, or the smell will not go away.

By youdontdeserveit_fml | 0

#625695 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:27

shamwow?

Reply

jeneratorr | 0

#626329 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:42

you'll say "wow" everytime ;P

By Makaloraii | 0

#625714 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:45

#1

By Makaloraii | 0

#625718 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:48

...and #4

By MiniatureMayhem | 0

#625743 - Sunday 18 October 2009 18:11

Obviously YDI for sleeping with someone you just met. Whore.

By No_fyl_cuz_ydi | 0

#625758 - Sunday 18 October 2009 18:41

so you have your own room but your roommate owns the carpet?

Reply

sugar94_fml | 17

#6191372 - Tuesday 3 February 2015 19:28

Ops roommate could own the house and op could just be staying there for a while