Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves.... - FML

By Ignitingmylightsaber - 18/10/2009 11:29 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

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Dangling modifier

Great boyfriend

Live dumping

By erptwerp - 8/3/2016 04:47 - United States

Today, it's my 25th birthday and all of the friends who promised they could come had excuses why they couldn't make it. Now I'm at the bar, alone. FML

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By wonder woman - 8/9/2012 04:47 - United States - Levittown

Today, my tire blew while I was on the freeway. I had to change the tire in pouring rain while wearing short shorts and flip-flops. No one stopped to help, but several people politely honked as if to remind me of my misfortune. FML

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By Pongy - 12/11/2013 05:31

Today, I found out that shirt sizes don't get longer, they get wider. Being 6ft4, every shirt I try on makes me look like a cheap stripper. FML

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By ouch - 29/2/2012 19:18 - Italy

Today, after a nice swim at the local pool, I ran into a naked girl in the showers. She screamed, kicked me in the nuts and ran off. I still have no clue what she was doing in the men's shower room. FML

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By Matt - 15/10/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I realized that choosing to live in the honors dorms was a terrible mistake. Quiet hours start at 6 PM and the only exception is if you are a member of the university marching band, which means you can practice your instrument at anytime in the lounge... located next to my room. FML

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By skinnybitch - 11/12/2012 18:09 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, the guy I'm dating found out I have severe arachnophobia. He downloaded a picture of a huge, hairy spider and set it as background on my iPhone. I can't even unlock my phone, as every time I try, the spider pops up and I drop the phone. He laughs every time I do it. FML

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By rkl2010 - 23/5/2010 18:02 - United States

Today, when I went to pick up my daughter from preschool, I found out she'd "accidentally" tried to flush her clothes down the toilet while going to the bathroom. FML

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By the poor man - 5/9/2015 17:36 - Australia - Perth

Today, at a party that was pretty big, I thought it would be funny to photobomb a photo. In doing so, I slipped over and snapped my arm in. I may now have to get surgery. The good thing is I made a hell of a photobomb. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2016 23:04 - United States - Atlanta

Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - 3/12/2012 11:40 - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By anonymous - 15/2/2015 22:39 - United States - Valdosta

Today, while working at Subway I joked with a customer asking him if he was going to order in Spanish. The women in front of him began yelling about how I was being racist and told my manager that I needed to be fired. The customer I was joking with was my Spanish teacher. FML

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By monkey2069 - 13/5/2014 13:58 - United States - Elgin

Today, a lady handed me a $10 tip on a $45 bill. I was happy with it, since it was more than 20%, until she came back in and said, "I'm sorry I gave you the wrong amount." I handed it back to her and then she gave me a dollar. FML

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By ___Ruby_____ - 8/10/2018 12:00

Today, as I rushed to get my pants on, I slipped and bashed my forehead against the solid oak back board of my bed. School starts in 30 minutes and I look like I lost a boxing match horribly. FML

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By B_and_W - 21/11/2013 11:35 - France

Today, I watched a little girl laugh while giving bread to some pigeons at a bus stop. A bus then arrived. All the pigeons moved out of the away, except one. Its head got crushed by a wheel, and some blood splattered onto the little girl's shoes, who then screamed. With laughter. FML

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By Magicali - 22/4/2013 02:56 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I saw a woman in the neighbouring apartment taking a shower without pulling the blinds of her bathroom window. As a good Samaritan, I waved my arms to attract her attention that she forgot the blinds. She noticed me, opened the window, did a weird boob dance and middle fingered me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 17:32 - United Kingdom

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

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By randa - 19/4/2011 06:38

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

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By MJ3105 - 7/5/2009 11:36 - Israel

Today, I was eating at a restaurant patio with a few friends. After the waitress cleaned up our table there was a drop of mayonnaise on the table. I wiped it with my finger and licked it. It wasn’t mayo, it was bird shit. FML

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By dumb4$$0rz - 23/12/2010 21:01 - United States

Today, the grades for one of my courses were released. The class average was higher than that which the department allowed, so the professor had to scale everyone's marks down to meet the policy. I ended up failing because my class was too smart. FML

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By spiderwoman - 15/4/2011 11:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

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By Tingly - 16/8/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, I realized that that tingly feeling on my face when I put a new combination of acne wash, acne medication, and my usual moisturizer on was not, in fact, "it working." It was slowly peeling away the top layer of skin. I look and feel sunburned. I also still have acne and oily skin. FML

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By Dopeydancer - 8/9/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By yuen - 16/6/2009 14:59 - Australia

Today, I went to take a shit and found my boss shaving in the toilet. While in the cubicle, he asked me about my work and the conversation lasted 15 mins. I stayed in there even though I finished shitting after 5 mins, during which 3 people heard my progress report while shitting next to me. FML

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By FUCK A FUCKING DUCK - 23/11/2012 17:20 - Bahamas - Nassau

Today, I went out and bought a copy of Black Ops 2. I got home and opened the case, only to see the game disk was missing. When I went back to the store to complain, the guy at the desk accused me of trying to pull an old scam on him. FML

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By sad face - 7/3/2012 19:25 - Canada

Today, my history teacher confiscated my iPhone. She dropped it on the way back to her desk, and I now have a shattered iPhone screen to fix. FML

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By ColdHeat - 16/4/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I shared our first kiss. His partly digested nachos decided to make an appearance halfway through. FML

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By badtiming - 15/9/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, I saw a bad car wreck. I pulled over and ran to the car to find an unconscious man behind the wheel. Another car pulled up, and a guy got out. I was relieved to have help, until, to my horror, he started trying to hit on me. I was stuck with him until the ambulance arrived. FML

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By anon - 31/1/2016 21:38 - United States

Today, my parents have deliberately ruined my last 2 relationships, because they want me to get back together with my ex simply because he is my son's dad. Apparently, my son needs his father more than I need a man who won't beat me every time he gets drunk. FML

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By LadyNexus - 7/1/2015 03:54 - United States - Mohrsville

Today, I asked my boyfriend how he felt about me and he said, "You're the hottest seven I've ever met." FML

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By Fraser - 8/3/2012 19:03 - Canada

Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML

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By Men '86 - 24/7/2011 06:41 - Canada

Today, I went skinny dipping with my friends. A security man drove up the dock we were on with his bike. After informing us that the dock was closed, and noticing all of our swimsuits on the dock, he refused to move his flashlight beam from us in the water. FML

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By Idontbelieveinmagic - 17/6/2013 05:42 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my dad refused to believe that the Animal Planet's mermaid mockumentaries were faked. Instead he got into a huge argument with me, claiming the government is covering up the existence of mermaids and must've threatened the producers to keep it quiet. FML

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By ADD - 11/2/2009 14:59 - Bulgaria

Today, I asked my boss for a raise. He responded with "Who the hell are you?" FML

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By angela - 12/6/2009 04:06 - United States

Today, I thought my face was breaking out with pimples, and I thought it was weird because I never break out. And I noticed all these "bug bites" all over my body. When I got home, I realized those weren't bug bites. I have chicken pox, and my high school graduation is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2010 23:22 - United States

Today, I was on the toilet, when my Mom thought it would be a fun idea to barge in, take a picture of me, post it on Facebook, and tag me. FML

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By Charley - 25/11/2016 10:44

Today, I was teaching a new student their first ever piano lesson, hoping that they would sign up for more lessons. Thirty minutes had gone by and after the 5th time of me saying what a talented, sweet little girl she was, the mother told me it was in fact a boy. They didn't sign up. FML

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By Weightlosshereicome - 8/8/2016 10:06 - United States - Oxford

Today, Snapchat thought my double chin was a mouth. FML

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By 352 - 18/4/2012 20:18 - United States

Today, I somehow managed to hit my head on a first aid kit. I now have a cut on my forehead and my boyfriend just keeps laughing from the irony. FML

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By poopshooter101 - 30/6/2009 11:53 - United States

Today, I was at walmart when my stomach began to hurt. I quickly waddled to the restroom in pain. As soon as I got in the stall, a huge crap exploded out of me. The child in the stall next to me started crying. When her mom asked what was wrong she said that I'd "killed her nose". FML

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By Sam - 10/10/2017 16:00

Today, I went to my first ultrasound appointment. The daughter I was hoping for is actually going to be boy triplets. FML

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Top comments

By skyeyez9 | 24

#625678 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:11

its funny what couples do once they are comfortable with each other.

By nel15 | 0

#625656 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:47

LOL. She's a keeper!

Comments

By nel15 | 0

#625656 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:47

LOL. She's a keeper!

Reply

White667 | 0

#625782 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:13

"I don't see why people like it so much."
Lightsabers or Penis's?

Reply

WorldCupCheer | 0

#1006614 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 7:55

lol at ops name :D

Reply

DisappearingRose | 18

#2751406 - Friday 24 June 2011 20:33

She's gonna be a lesbian.

By mahounonina | 0

#625664 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:57

let me guess, glow in the dark condom.

Reply

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#1906868 - Thursday 30 December 2011 8:25

Sith or Jedi?

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2071667 - Friday 11 February 2011 18:39

only thing that WOULD make sense here.

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2071670 - Friday 11 February 2011 18:42

ONLY thing that WOULD make sense here

By skyeyez9 | 24

#625678 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:11

its funny what couples do once they are comfortable with each other.

By Sure_Thing | 0

#625682 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:14

I really do NOT see a problem here. Of course nobody likes touching your meat. Besides, anyone who can't appreciate star wars noises deserves no intimacy at all. Christ people...

Reply

myknewverr | 0

#1872703 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 9:41

agree.

Reply

kianabanannna | 21

#6405878 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 15:48

I'm sure he's referring to the fact that he gave her what she wanted but got nothing in return. which isn't nessasarily that fair :)

By Superawesomestev | 0

#625691 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:24

She must be a vegetarian.

By Bredynamite | 0

#625694 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:26

i agree with nel15! She is a keeper!

By Makaloraii | 0

#625710 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:44

I think it was meant, "I don't see why people like [making star wars noises] so much."

YDI for posting an FML and making it stupid.

By Shyman4ever | 0

#625722 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:52

YDI for complaining about having such an awesome girlfriend.

By I_GET_ASS | 0

#625738 - Sunday 18 October 2009 18:00

first!

Reply

beepelati | 5

#1705395 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:14

man, you fail at life.

By yhw718 | 0

#625775 - Sunday 18 October 2009 18:59

Drew you are correct, but please calm down.. its not that serious.

OP yur girlfriend is SICK!! just explain to her when it is appropriate to play around and when you need to be serious in bed

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#6132024 - Monday 1 December 2014 17:31

You're serious in bed? What is it, a business transaction?

Reply

crethan33 | 6

#6693748 - Thursday 22 September 2016 0:23

#11 i wonder how your wife/gf or whatever you have enjoys screwing you