Intimacy: Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves.... - FML

By Ignitingmylightsaber - Australia

Today, my girlfriend and I had the weekend all to ourselves. On the second day, we finally got intimate, with me doing all she asked of her. In return for hard-work, she took my meat in her hand and started making lightsaber noises, before pronouncing "I don't see why people like it so much." FML

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Instadrama

Get on with it!

Free healthcare for all

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking in my backyard. All I was wearing were my boxers and one sock. I staggered up to see my car halfway through my garage wall with a note saying "Sorry Dude". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I again had to quietly sneak in through my bedroom window. I don't live with my parents. I go through my window because my cat thinks everyone who walks in through the door at night is a burglar or something and attacks them. FML

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By replaced - United States - Marietta

Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML

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By apparantlyStupid - Canada - Okotoks

Today, I confronted my daughter about the various drug-associated items I found in her room. She then confronted me about going in her room and invading her privacy, to the point where I forgot the main issue and apologised to her. I just got outsmarted by a teenage pothead. FML

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By evilsandwich - Canada - London

Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

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By mynoseburns - United States

Today, I sneezed while I was throwing up into the toilet. It turns out that throwing up is even less pleasant when the puke violently shoots out through your nose. FML

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By wtf - United Kingdom

Today, my parents staged a family intervention and gave me the grandest bollocking I've ever experienced in all my 22 years of life. They did this because my sister showed them a photo of me jokingly posing with three bottles of Bud Light at a party. Apparently, I'm an alcoholic in denial. FML

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By Kevin - France

Today, a friend told me over MSN that her father had died. Trying to express some solidarity, I went to send her a tearful smiley. I accidentally sent her the dancing pig animation instead. FML

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By NoTeddies - United Kingdom - Leicester

Today, my boyfriend gave me a teddy bear keyring. I had to explain that although many grown women like cuddly toys, I don't. And even if I did, a filthy, soaking wet bear he found in a puddle on the street is not a nice gesture, despite his suggestion I can just wash it in the machine. FML

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By slingshot - United States

Today, I was waiting to speak to a customer service salesman in a store. To pass time, I was playing with a rubber band. The rubber band shot off and hit the salesman smack in the face. FML

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By helplesslover - United States

Today, my boyfriend called and said he was stopping by to talk. I didn't understand why he would stop by, so I asked if he was going to break up with me, he said no. Half an hour later, he knocked on my door to break up with me. FML

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By kahemae44 - United States

Today, I visited my boyfriend's house excited about the romantic night he promised me. As time passed, we started making out and heading up to his room. Rose petals and candles filled his room. "How romantic", I thought. That is, until we saw his 5 year old sister blowing up condom balloons. FML

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By WearingSomethingStringy - United States - Cranston

Today, I noticed a stray string on a seam of my pants. I started absentmindedly pulling at it thinking maybe I could pull it off. Five minutes later, I realized it looked like I was fiddling with my crotch in the middle of Starbucks. FML

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By rykelmb - United States - Anchorage

Today, I dropped my father-in-law's friend off at the airport, and I got in trouble because he ended up missing his flight. He only missed it because he forgot to check in. FML

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By Undercover - United States

Today, while working as a plain clothes police officer, I witnessed a fight in a front yard. My partner and I intervened and clearly identified ourselves as police. Unfortunately, the two guys' mother didn't have her hearing aid in, and hit my arm with a baseball bat. FML

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By Purple - United States - Fremont

Today, my dad told me that my mom wanted to name me something "unusual." He eventually got her to compromise. I go by Violet. I now know that my legal name is Purple. FML

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By gross - United States - Cuyahoga Falls

Today, after giving a potential employee a drug test and instructing her to leave her urine sample in the bathroom, she not only brought it into the office, she spilled it on the front desk. FML

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By Me - United States - San Francisco

Today, while bench pressing at the gym, I noticed my spotter had spit hanging from his mouth right above me. When I tried to warn him about it, he ignored me and told me to finish the set. When the drool fell in my mouth, I was startled and dropped the 175 weights and bar on my chest. FML

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By Jess - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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By cganon - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a store when a child looked at me and said to his mother "look at that tall man!" His mother replied "he's an evil giant isn't he, darling?" I then mimed being an evil giant to make the kid laugh. His mother slapped me. FML

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By jakewr - United States

Today, I got more excited when two Kit-Kat bars fell at once in a vending machine than I did when I got married. FML

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By fuck my arse - United Kingdom - Reading

Today, my husband and I were fooling around, and things got heated. In the heat of things, I told him to tear my panties off. He took it literally and yanked at them with all his might. It's been two hours and I still can't walk straight. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, our AC broke. It's 98 degrees inside the house. My parents will be staying at a 5 star resort until the repairman can come to fix the unit in 6 days. They made me stay home to make sure the plants survive. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Milford

Today, I woke up hungover and with $13 stuffed in my bra. I'm not a stripper, and I'm not sure how it got there, but that's the most money I've had on me in weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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By lonelygirl - United States - Circleville

Today, I bought the only cat on Earth that doesn't like chasing after a laser dot. Goodbye, hours of sick, sick entertainment. FML

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By blackvogue - Canada

Today, I got up early to prank my family. I put a bucket of ice water on top of a door frame so whoever walked through would get an icy surprise. After I was done, I went back to bed. I woke up groggy and disoriented like always and walked right through the doorway I had rigged. FML

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By anonymous - United States - North Hollywood

Today, I found out that my boyfriend cheated on me. I got a hold of the girl he was cheating on me with. She was as oblivious as I was of each other's existence. Apparently, the fucker told her he lived with his "sister," who's "a bitch and makes his life impossible". He was referring to me. FML

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By UnknownOperation - United States - Washington

Today, I finally decided to introduce my boyfriend to my parents. Surprisingly, he and my father already knew each other, so I asked him how they met. Now I know where my boyfriend gets all his weed. FML

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By Checkless chick - United States

Today, I decided I would try this feature on my banking app which lets me deposit checks by sending a picture of it. The instructions say to rip the check after depositing. The deposit didn't work and now I've got a ripped up paycheck. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By badhairday - United States

Today, after months of her begging me, I let my girlfriend cut my hair for the first time. It turned out so badly that we are now "taking a break until it looks normal again." FML

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By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

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By stelssy - United States

Today, while reading in the bath, I accidentally switched the shower on. Not wanting my book to get soaked, I threw it out of the tub. When I got out of the tub later, I found it had landed squarely in the toilet. FML

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By imawesome - United States

Today, I wondered if my orgasms are worth the bother, seeing as I get horrible "I feel like I'm dying" cramps every time I climax. FML

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By Dani - Reserved

Today, my boyfriend and I were visiting a historical war bunker when I accidentally let rip a small fart. My boyfriend responded with a horribly loud, horrendous fart, and loudly announced, "This is war." There were people, lots of people. FML

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By JH - United States

Today, I was making out with my new boyfriend when he pulled away and looked me deeply in the eyes, he smiled and said, "I don't care what anyone else says, I think you're beautiful." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, my wife told me she'd rather bust up concrete than get it on with me. FML

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Top comments

By skyeyez9 | 24

#625678 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:11

its funny what couples do once they are comfortable with each other.

By nel15 | 0

#625656 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:47

LOL. She's a keeper!

COMMENTS

By nel15 | 0

#625656 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:47

LOL. She's a keeper!

Reply

White667 | 0

#625782 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:13

"I don't see why people like it so much."
Lightsabers or Penis's?

Reply

WorldCupCheer | 0

#1006614 - Tuesday 25 May 2010 7:55

lol at ops name :D

Reply

DisappearingRose | 18

#2751406 - Friday 24 June 2011 20:33

She's gonna be a lesbian.

By mahounonina | 0

#625664 - Sunday 18 October 2009 16:57

let me guess, glow in the dark condom.

Reply

KRYPTON1T3 | 5

#1906868 - Thursday 30 December 2010 8:25

Sith or Jedi?

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2071667 - Friday 11 February 2011 18:39

only thing that WOULD make sense here.

Reply

meowmeowwkitty | 0

#2071670 - Friday 11 February 2011 18:42

ONLY thing that WOULD make sense here

By skyeyez9 | 24

#625678 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:11

its funny what couples do once they are comfortable with each other.

By Sure_Thing | 0

#625682 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:14

I really do NOT see a problem here. Of course nobody likes touching your meat. Besides, anyone who can't appreciate star wars noises deserves no intimacy at all. Christ people...

Reply

myknewverr | 0

#1872703 - Tuesday 21 December 2010 9:41

agree.

Reply

kianabanannna | 21

#6405878 - Wednesday 9 September 2015 15:48

I'm sure he's referring to the fact that he gave her what she wanted but got nothing in return. which isn't nessasarily that fair :)

By Superawesomestev | 0

#625691 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:24

She must be a vegetarian.

By Bredynamite | 0

#625694 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:26

i agree with nel15! She is a keeper!

By Makaloraii | 0

#625710 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:44

I think it was meant, "I don't see why people like [making star wars noises] so much."

YDI for posting an FML and making it stupid.

By Shyman4ever | 0

#625722 - Sunday 18 October 2009 17:52

YDI for complaining about having such an awesome girlfriend.

By I_GET_ASS | 0

#625738 - Sunday 18 October 2009 18:00

first!

Reply

beepelati | 5

#1705395 - Monday 15 November 2010 16:14

man, you fail at life.

By yhw718 | 0

#625775 - Sunday 18 October 2009 18:59

Drew you are correct, but please calm down.. its not that serious.

OP yur girlfriend is SICK!! just explain to her when it is appropriate to play around and when you need to be serious in bed

Reply

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#6132024 - Monday 1 December 2014 17:31

You're serious in bed? What is it, a business transaction?

Reply

crethan33 | 6

#6693748 - Thursday 22 September 2016 0:23

#11 i wonder how your wife/gf or whatever you have enjoys screwing you