Intimacy: Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working... - FML

By sally - 25/01/2014 17:42 - United States - Augusta

Spicy

Today, after 3 months of no orgasms, I was in the shower, working to rectify that. As I was seconds away from coming, my dad loudly knocked on the door and demanded to know how much longer I was going to take. Probably another 3 months now, dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 627

You deserved it 9 425

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

You tried

Mondegreens

Another great day to be alive

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 21:59 - Germany

Today, I didn’t get much done because I woke up late and therefore didn’t have much time. No wait, that was yesterday. Today I didn’t get much done because I woke up EARLY and was miserably tired and good for nothing all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 681

You deserved it 327

By ge fu yo twa - 25/06/2018 20:30

Today, after house sitting for my future father-in-law and managing to keep things spotless for 3 weeks, a pipe burst. It flooded the place and shorted out a plug socket, causing a fire that ruined the front room. He gets home in 3 hours. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 133

You deserved it 248

By girlw/ablog - 02/07/2019 11:00 - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 847

You deserved it 119

By screewit - 20/02/2009 23:42 - United States

Spicy

Today, I called my girlfriend and she answered telling me how amazing the sex was last night and she can't wait to see me later. I didn't see her last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101 543

You deserved it 4 943

By Ben - 21/08/2009 21:28 - United States

Spicy

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 157

You deserved it 4 684

By LittleRed79 - 03/11/2016 04:49 - Canada

Today, it's difficult being a single woman in my city: The female/male ratio is 3:1, and the last 3 dates I've been on were with a guy who kept asking for nudes, an aggressive raging alcoholic, and what turned out to be a married man. I'm seriously considering adopting several more cats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 827

You deserved it 1 015

Need more details, please

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 17:01 - United States - Spring Hill

Today, I fucked up a relationship, by accident, and then they broke up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 612

Drugs are bad

By Mike Capobianco - 22/08/2021 02:01

Today, I came home to to find my roommate spinning on a computer chair, shitting everywhere. He'd taken Peyote. Now the whole place smells of poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 928

You deserved it 72

By wow - 14/03/2013 15:43 - United States - Gilbert

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend got angry and threatened to dump me, all because I wouldn't give in to his demands not to go to a birthday sleepover with my friends. He seriously thinks it's going to turn into some kind of lesbian orgy and that I'll cheat on him. Thanks, PornHub. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 141

You deserved it 7 171

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00 - United States - Staten Island

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 932

You deserved it 66

By Anonymous - 07/06/2015 04:21 - New Zealand - Tauranga

Spicy

Today, I lost my virginity. He then told me, in tears, how bad he felt about leaving his dog alone for the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 138

You deserved it 3 375

By Jazzyfayyye - 29/05/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend said, "You know who you remind me of? Sarah Palin." And then for the next 15 minutes continued to discuss how ugly she is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 237

You deserved it 3 676

Mixed results

By Anonymous - 11/01/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I realized that in the 3 and half month relationship with a wonderful guy I truly like, so far I've masturbated more than the whole year I was single before I met him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 829

You deserved it 234

Let me sleep!

By ineed sleep!!! - 22/10/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 907

You deserved it 227

By fired - 04/11/2011 04:04 - Australia

Today, I was fired for the second time in as many days. I received a letter notifying me that I would no longer be working for the company, effective immediately. When I did not attend work the next day, I received a phone call firing me for not turning up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 820

You deserved it 2 658

By aelia_oups - 31/12/2012 22:09 - France - Taverny

Today, as I have been for 10 years, I'm allergic to fruit. After an argument with my mother, she yelled, "Here, have a banana and go kill yourself!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 251

You deserved it 7 518

By Anonymous - 07/06/2017 20:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, my neighbor let me know that they've been taking care of my cats while I was away, including letting them in and out of my house. I don't own a cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 071

You deserved it 252

Splitting hairs

By hairycarrie - 28/08/2020 04:49 - United States

Spicy

Today, although the I’ve always kept my pubic hair neat and trimmed, my boyfriend once again complained that I don’t shave. When I told him that shaving is uncomfortable and risks ingrown hairs, he sulked and said, “But it’ll look so much better!” He needs to lay off the porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 991

You deserved it 513

Can't win

By Anonymous - 17/03/2019 20:00

Today, my supervisor told me off for doing something. When I reminded her that she told me to do it, she yelled at me for correcting her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 261

You deserved it 147

By crosscountryfatigue - 19/09/2018 12:00

Today, with one week left until I fly to my new apartment, movers loaded my belongings and happily drove off. They even loaded my unpacked, inflated air mattress. Looks like I'm sleeping on the floor for a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 525

You deserved it 361

By Anonymous - 10/09/2012 14:14 - United States - Puyallup

Today, my mother shared my phone number with my brother, despite my explicit wishes that she didn't. He immediately went and put it on Craigslist and several other websites. This is the fourth time I've had to change my number for that very same reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 706

You deserved it 2 445

By Anonymous - 04/02/2013 17:17 - United States - Durham

Today, my girlfriend lost her virginity. I still have mine, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 220

You deserved it 3 871

By Anonymous - 30/04/2011 19:03 - United States

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 211

You deserved it 10 680

Nailed it

By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 014

You deserved it 12 854

By CH - 07/12/2009 06:06 - United States

Today, I pretended to smoke a bread stick that looked like a cigar. It made me feel cool. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 671

You deserved it 41 056

By Nyah Murphy - 05/12/2017 19:00

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 131

You deserved it 4 957

By poop - 06/02/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I asked my ex-boyfriend how things were going since our breakup. We broke up because he admitted he was questioning his sexuality, and wanted to play for the other team. He took the conversation as an opportunity to talk about his new, amazing girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 809

You deserved it 4 724

By Anonymous - 11/07/2010 05:15 - United States

Today, to save money, I wanted to fix my own leaky roof instead of hiring someone. When I got on the roof, the ladder fell. As it was falling, it broke three windows and snagged the siding of my house ripping over half of it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 405

You deserved it 30 551

By GodMemory_AbsentMind - 21/03/2017 18:00

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 537

You deserved it 4 971

By Waterer - 30/08/2015 17:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I watered a dying communal plant. I was fined $250 for littering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 799

You deserved it 1 761

By Anonymous - 10/09/2013 07:04 - United States

Today, I found out my grandma wears dentures when I had to fish them out of a cooler. She lost them bobbing for beer at a local bar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 863

You deserved it 2 596

By Rae - 30/07/2009 13:56 - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 355

You deserved it 4 463

Social science

By Josh - 16/07/2021 06:01 - United States

Today, a friend came over to meet my new dog. The dog got excited and accidentally peed on him. I went to the kitchen to get something to clean it up. When I came back, my new dog was covered in my friend's pee. My friend claimed that peeing on my dog "showed dominance." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 161

You deserved it 129

Nice guy vibes

By Anonymous - 25/09/2021 20:00 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, a girl I've been casually seeing just gave me the, "You're a great guy, but I'm not ready for a relationship" speech. A few hours later, I see a video in a group chat of her making out and laughing with another guy, while my other friends just watched and laughed. I'm just done trying, why am I always getting shit on? FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 160

You deserved it 265

By lbailey32 - 04/02/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 224

You deserved it 4 447

Like a virgin

By chchboy - 22/05/2012 05:05 - United States

Spicy

Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 022

You deserved it 7 075

By Soline - 08/12/2008 12:05 - France

Spicy

Today, I wanted to wake up my sweetheart with a surprise blowjob. He surprised me as well with a knee to the stomach. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 112

You deserved it 8 961

By Matchtopia - 18/01/2012 00:21 - United States

Today, I was addressed by name by the liquor store clerk. I've never told him my name. He's just seen my ID many times. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 242

You deserved it 30 157

By egsrox95 - 01/11/2017 00:30

Today, my best friend had the balls to call me an alcoholic. She snuck vodka on a cruise ship in a Listerine bottle. I've never had a drink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 743

You deserved it 324

Rocky VIX

By Anonymous - 29/09/2019 20:06

Today, I was laying with my face dangling down the side of my bed, when my kitten rushed up to me looking worried. He sniffed me for a while, then decided the best thing to do was to stand on his hind legs and start punching my face like a speed bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 296

You deserved it 327

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Top comments

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:41

I feel like this needs a follow up

klovemachine 24

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:41

If at first you don't succeed, try try again :)

Comments

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:41

I feel like this needs a follow up

Send a private message

Sunday 26 January 2014 2:29

I think we can expect a follow up in another 3 months...

incoherentrmblr 21

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Sunday 26 January 2014 2:34

Don't Look Back in Anger...

mollyjynxjax 28

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Sunday 26 January 2014 2:44

Yeah, look to the future with disdain instead

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Sunday 26 January 2014 4:54

I want to give a like but the likes are 69 so I agree this needs a follow up.

incoherentrmblr 21

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Monday 27 January 2014 10:38

#23, it was a reference to the Oasis song, since the title of the FML is Sally, which is the name of the person they use in that song.

klovemachine 24

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:41

If at first you don't succeed, try try again :)

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Sunday 26 January 2014 10:32

Totally. I can't even imagine OP's pain. Three months!!

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:42

Just go at it again.

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:43

2nd times a charm...... or just wait till everyones gone next time

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:45

C-C-C-COMBO BREAKER!!!

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:47

She needs a Hitachi Magic Wand ;)

redbluegreen 40

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Sunday 26 January 2014 2:41

If only they were complimentary.

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:48

If it makes you feel better, I've never had one. Perhaps shower when nobody is home and try again?

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:55

Inb4 a slew of I can help you with that comments

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Sunday 26 January 2014 2:01

*cough*thirsty*cough*

Jabberwockyy 13

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Sunday 26 January 2014 2:33

Depending on your age #8 that may not be a bad thing.

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Sunday 26 January 2014 3:30

I'm 18, haha. Depends on your body I guess

expectcriticism 13

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Sunday 26 January 2014 4:12

and on what's going in it..

drshn 22

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Sunday 26 January 2014 7:07

There are different ways I could suggest but It's OK, I guess, as you are young and you have a long way to go. On a positive note you will know that a guy special and youare in a good relationship when you have one.

Phoebe_Buffay 14

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Sunday 26 January 2014 8:40

nope nopeeee. I dont approve of your face... it's too pretty. this is why girls can't find male companions.

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Monday 27 January 2014 15:42

Never had an orgasm because of bad sex ?Or still a virgin lol

limabeans101029 20

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Monday 27 January 2014 22:51

79- a lot of women just find it difficult to have orgasms. Sex isn't the only way to achieve an orgasm, and a lot of women can't actually get an orgasm just by having sex. So if someone has never had an orgasm, that doesn't automatically mean that they're either a virgin or that they have "bad sex".

jgwyh 18

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:54

Why not just reply with I'm coming?. No one would of known

breezyblue33 19

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Sunday 26 January 2014 5:21

That may have worked in American Pie, but IRL if you were seconds away from cumming and your parents interrupted you, that's an instant mood killer right there. Unless you're into that sort of thing.

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:56

Can you not orgasm, or just that busy?

bubblyhayley 16

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Sunday 26 January 2014 11:26

bit too personal dont ya think...

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Sunday 26 January 2014 14:56

If it was too personal I don't think OP would have posted the FML.

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Sunday 26 January 2014 1:59

Try it when no one is home?

Nearly

Today, I realized that I wore ripped jeand AND ripped boxers to work. Both ripped at the same place, in between the legs. The result was my looking down and seeing my dick halfway out of my trousers. I can't get up from my seat the rest of the day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8

You deserved it 18

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 18

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 678

You deserved it 148

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 415

You deserved it 102