Love and Kids: Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement...

By Anonymous

Today, after 11 years together, including 8 years of engagement and 3.5 months of marriage, I found out he had sex with his ex-girlfriend on my birthday. He's now leaving me and our kids to be with her because she's his "soul mate". FML

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Love

Kids

The smell detective is on the case

Who's a good boy?

Uninvolved

By Socarates - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

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By owies :( - United States

Today, I was trying to replace the lightbulb in my bedroom. Since I couldn't reach it by myself, I grabbed and stood on a chair. After I got two broken bones, and had stitches in my forehead, I figured that using a chair with wheels probably wasn't the best idea after all. FML

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By appendicitisanyone - United States - Fairfield

Today, I awoke to the pain of appendicitis. Apparently it isn't a good enough reason to miss court. I now have a warrant out for my arrest. FML

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By northernlass - United States

Today, I was singing and playing keyboards with my band on stage at a club. A drunken chick from the crowd tried to climb up onto the stage in her heels, fell, and grabbed the back of my mic stand to catch herself. And busted me in the mouth with my own microphone. Then she requested a song. FML

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By beachbumb8538 - United States

Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML

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By chrono64 - United States

Today, I found a pair of glasses in my car. I don't wear glasses, and nobody besides myself has been in my car lately. It appears that someone has been sleeping in my car and forgot their glasses. FML

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By shampoomice - United States - La Porte

Today, I noticed that my new shampoo had an unfamiliar pink color to it. After some investigation, I found a dead mouse that had apparently cut itself on the bottle pump. I've been washing my hair with mouse blood. FML

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By f_n_fail - United States

Today, I got a note from my son's kindergarten teacher. During free time yesterday, he told her, "Mommy was stripping". I was indeed stripping. Paint that is. FML

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By seriously wtf - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, in my architecture class, my professor's lecture consisted of a list of movies and books which feature characters who are architects. I couldn't leave because I needed the attendance points, and it lasted 45 minutes. I paid out of state tuition for this. FML

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By AgentKoos_99 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, after waiting 3 months to see if I got the job I had applied for, I was told that they never received my application. Turns out that the email address that they told me to send it to was not being checked anymore and that they would be happy to consider me for the following year. FML

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By slugitha - United States

Today, I was awoken by a slug crawling down my back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was shopping in an upscale store. As I was changing, I heard one of the snobby saleswomen say to mine "You shouldn't bother. She isn't going to buy anything." Determined to "show her", I purchased everything I'd tried on. It came to around $500. My credit card was declined. FML

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By Tibblesthepengwin - United Kingdom

Today, I went to the store to buy a new lego set, only to find there weren't any left in stock. I started crying before I could make it out of the store. Oh, and I'm eighteen. FML

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By Oh Cock - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I realised just how much my favourite pornstar looks like my sister. FML

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By AVeryConfusedGuy

Today, I was having sex with a girl and she passed out about a minute in. I panicked and thought she'd died so I tried to feel for a heartbeat. She woke up 45 seconds later and accused me of fondling her breasts while she was out. Apparently she has narcolepsy. FML

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6612

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By f

Today, I was attacked by my dad because I got my hair dyed and he thought I was a robber. FML

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30203

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By unloved - Australia

Today, it's my birthday, and the only person that called me was my boss. He wants me to cover his shift tonight. FML

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36398

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By Earthling - Colombia - Bogot?

Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML

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By wonder woman - United States - Levittown

Today, my tire blew while I was on the freeway. I had to change the tire in pouring rain while wearing short shorts and flip-flops. No one stopped to help, but several people politely honked as if to remind me of my misfortune. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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By Anon - United States - Mesquite

Today, when I asked my boss why my bonus was cut in half, he replied, "I have no idea what you really do." I'm the IT Manager. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Audubon

Today, my cat learned the hard way what the bathtub is for. While I was in it. FML

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By FirstDaddy - United States - Southfield

Today, my daughter told me that she liked her "other daddy" better. I don't know who's she talking about, but my wife is doing a good job telling her to be quiet. FML

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By PackingSpaceHeat - United States

Today, I realized I've been acting very paranoid lately. I was mugged a few weeks ago, so I've been nervous. I've been holding my hands in my pockets and looking around on my way outside from work. Apparently, that's grounds to arrest someone under suspicion of carrying a concealed weapon. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2021 15:30 - United States - Putney

Deadlines whooshing by

Today, my Computer Science professor posted an assignment that's due right before our Monday class… on Monday morning. I wouldn't have even thought to check for assignments this morning if he hadn't done the same thing last week. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, after winning a major photography competition with the prize of an expensive workshop with a top photographer, I learned that my crazy stalker has paid the £250 workshop costs, and will travel 5 hours just to be there with me. FML

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By AdoKitty - United States - Redlands

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

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By Subliminal message - Switzerland

Today, my boyfriend started whispering "blowjobbbb" into my ear while we were watching a movie. When I asked him what he was doing, he denied ever saying it and claimed it must have been a subliminal message in the movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving in my very own car that I bought and paid for myself, when I stopped at a stop light. Then I noticed the truck in front of me turn on his reverse lights. I honked desperately. He hits me, looks out the window and says "I see no damage" and drives away. FML

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By tallesttree54

Today my boyfriend proposed to me and I gladly accepted. The first words out of his mouth after getting off his knees were, "I own you now!" FML

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By involuntary waxing - Canada

Today, I started a new medication, not paying much notice to the one side effect: "unusual vaginal secretions". They're unusual alright, they glued my underwear to my skin. FML

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By BadBoyfriend - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me for not remembering our anniversary. Our three week anniversary. FML

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By fineillpissthebedthen - Denmark - ?lborg

Today, my downstairs neighbours screamed at me for making so much noise that I woke their children up and made them cry. The noise was the sound of a loose floorboard shifting as I crept to my bathroom, and again on my way back to bed. They've sworn to get me evicted. FML

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Today, all of my friends stopped messaging me. I checked their Snapchat and Instagram accounts and saw that they were all at a party. When I confronted them, they assured me I was invited and should join them. When I arrived at the address, the house was empty. They gave me the wrong address. FML

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By MCMB33 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

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By mooseknuckle - United States

Today, I realized that the closest thing I have to a savings account is the cup on my dresser with coins in it. I counted it, $17.34. That is my savings. I'm 28. FML

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By Carrie - 4/12/2020 20:02 - United States - Birmingham

Obsession by Calvin Klein

Today, I was at a party with my crush, but I didn’t talk to him. After, I walked out to my car, and saw a dent in my car. I then noticed that the dent was exactly the size of my crush’s head. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Yorktown Heights

Today, after working like a caffeine-fuelled thunderstorm for 9 hours straight on an art project, my 2 friends informed me that it was due next week. I slept for 10 hours, and then went to my class without my project, thinking I lucked out in the long run. Clearly not, as it was due today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Conway

Today, my girlfriend yelled at me for jokingly telling her to get back in the kitchen. After we finally made peace and I told her that I fully respect women, I turned on my stereo. The song's first words? "Bitches ain't shit but hoes and tricks." Cue second argument. FML

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By Ackno

Today, I was having sex with my husband when the pores on his forehead triggered my trypophobia. We had to stop before I had a panic attack. FML

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Top comments

By JasonThorn | 18

#7607479 - Monday 5 March 2018 18:35

He's leaving you and the kids? Tell him he has to have a SOUL before he can have a SOULMATE.

By Akitakat | 31

#7606671 - Saturday 3 March 2018 13:22

He couldn’t say anything during the 8 years about not being happy? What a twat!

COMMENTS

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7606252 - Friday 2 March 2018 12:25

Um, why did you put up w/ being engaged for 8 yrs? J/c....

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7606254 - Friday 2 March 2018 12:27

And yes, I voted in her favor. Just looking for clues/ foreboding hints to his despicable behavior is all.

aruden | 25

#7622166 - Thursday 12 April 2018 19:37

Probably in an attempt to show it was supposed to be a higher level of commitment between them.

indienerdgirl | 27

#7622832 - Saturday 14 April 2018 16:23

Maybe they at the time wanted to save up the money for a nice wedding as weddings are expensive. But if he kept pushing it off then I would've been suspicious as to why he kept pushing it off.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7606329 - Friday 2 March 2018 15:23

I do wonder why you were engaged so long; it should have been a sign that he wasn't really into the relationship. I'm also sorry you didn't find out what a cad he is before you got married.

aruden | 25

#7622170 - Thursday 12 April 2018 19:42

It seems to be more common when couples live together and have multiple kids together they put off the formality of actually getting married. They already live the life of a married couple so it becomes less important.

By DanielleinDC | 32

#7606330 - Friday 2 March 2018 15:23

I do wonder why you were engaged so long; it should have been a sign that he wasn't really into the relationship. I'm also sorry you didn't find out what a cad he is before you got married.

By Akitakat | 31

#7606671 - Saturday 3 March 2018 13:22

He couldn’t say anything during the 8 years about not being happy? What a twat!

By JasonThorn | 18

#7607479 - Monday 5 March 2018 18:35

He's leaving you and the kids? Tell him he has to have a SOUL before he can have a SOULMATE.

By OnReceivingEnd | 14

#7608568 - Wednesday 7 March 2018 21:40

"...and that's when I shot him five times...then reloaded...and shot him five times again."

Judge: *bangs gavel* "CASE DISMISSED!"

By Luke16eirb7deneuwn1 | 20

#7622060 - Thursday 12 April 2018 16:39

Sue his ass for childsupport

By LHBAIHJ1314 | 6

#7622062 - Thursday 12 April 2018 16:48

oh..

By jsalamo | 22

#7622101 - Thursday 12 April 2018 18:03

This breaks my heart. So sorry about this, OP.

By TheMean1 | 6

#7622147 - Thursday 12 April 2018 19:10

This is devastating, wtf is wrong with people ? So sad.