TMI, DUDE!

Today, my wife bought a strap-on. I'm about fifty miles beyond terrified. FML

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

Bad timing, hun

Today, I just had surgery and my wife finally wants to have sex. Not that there haven't been enough other days in the previous years of marriage… FML

Such a weird move either way

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

Today, my wife thinks I will agree to anything she says if she just pleasures me orally. I now found out, she is correct. FML

Today, after what I thought was several weeks of flirting with a coworker, I asked her out on a date. She asked if it could be a double date, and I said yes. I brought a friend, she brought her husband. FML

Today, someone asked my wife if I was her father. FML

The language of love

Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML

No kinkshaming, but come on…

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

Today, I lost what should've been the easiest bet ever. Now I have to let my girlfriend go at me with a strap-on or forever be known as a sore loser. FML