Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought... - FML

By romedizzle - 24/11/2010 09:52 - Canada

Today, I was helping an older lady return her previously bought items to customer service. As she walked away and said "Thanks," I tried to say "You're welcome" and "No problem" at the same time. I ended up saying "Your problem". She scowled at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24376

You deserved it

8253

Tweet

Share

Work name

Assumptions

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By annonymous - 30/11/2009 18:59 - United States

Today, I was in line at the grocery store with my 3-year-old son. He was holding a tub of yogurt that had on it a cow wearing sunglasses. He shouted, "Mommy, look at the fat cow with the sunglasses on!" To my horror, the obese woman in front of us turned around. She was wearing sunglasses. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52152

You deserved it

3470

Tweet

Share

By Eric - 27/2/2012 21:58 - United States

Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13260

You deserved it

24493

Tweet

Share

By yikes78 - 31/5/2009 13:04 - United States

Today, I went to Macy's to buy some bras. After I paid, the old lady cashier noticed there was pen on one of the bras. By accident I blurted out "It's alright. No one's seeing them." The old lady nodded back in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45614

You deserved it

10451

Tweet

Share

By BobE - 31/7/2019 06:00 - United States - Miami

Today, I went to a mall and got some really awesome shoes. I went home to find out that they are actually women's shoes. I'm a dude. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1041

You deserved it

828

Tweet

Share

By committedandalone - 24/11/2016 14:45

Today, I spoke with my boyfriend about where we want to live when I graduate. He says he doesn't know what he wants and his mother wouldn't approve of us living together. We've been together 3 years with the understanding we would live together once I graduated my Master's. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9671

You deserved it

892

Tweet

Share

By kira - 2/10/2012 10:29 - United States

Today, my mom screeched at me about my pillowcase being dirty and finished off one long rant with an irate "Who raised you to be such a pig?" Her anger multiplied by ten when I asked if it was a trick question. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25490

You deserved it

7840

Tweet

Share

By absentminded - 11/3/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, I went to online to find out why my midterm grade is for my least favorite class Psychology. After weeks upon weeks of studying and doing work for a class I hate I found out that I have a zero in the class. Turns out I've been going to the wrong psychology class all semester. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40034

You deserved it

65428

Tweet

Share

By sis - 19/2/2018 16:30 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I went shopping with my sister’s husband to help him choose a birthday gift for her. My sister’s insane friend saw us, followed us, and caused a huge screaming scene in the middle of the mall accusing us of having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4884

You deserved it

273

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/5/2009 20:15 - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night of partying and went to the bathroom. That’s when I realized that after passing out with my shoes on last night, my friends decided use a black sharpie and play “connect the dots” with my acne. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44627

You deserved it

19918

Tweet

Share

By arsenic660 - 30/7/2009 03:17 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42733

You deserved it

4526

Tweet

Share

By Acne_problems - 22/2/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were starting to do the deed and she started popping zits on my chest. Then she said that I was killing the mood because my cat was meowing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1894

You deserved it

242

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/11/2015 06:29 - United States - Du Bois

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about the difference between the U.S. and Canada when she asked me if they have their own government. She wasn't sure if they were governed by the U.S. or if they didn't have a government at all. She's a 33-year-old college graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24426

You deserved it

2598

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/10/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, my electricity went out. The electric company said it was because the bill was at least 4 months overdue. Apparently, I have been paying for my roommate to go out and party for weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36626

You deserved it

3990

Tweet

Share

By zl5 - 4/7/2014 23:17 - New Zealand - Masterton

Today, the deranged idiot that I am defending in court went completely nuts and told the judge that I am the guy who planned the whole armed robbery that he is on trial for. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53947

You deserved it

4815

Tweet

Share

By Henry - 11/11/2011 22:29 - Norway

Today, my girlfriend agreed to doing it doggy style. During it all, I pulled on her hair. I guess I pulled too hard, because when I let go, her face smacked straight into the bedside table. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14899

You deserved it

45568

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2015 15:12 - United States

Today, like every other day at work, I had to listen to people talk about being addicted to sex. I have to treat people for addiction to something I've never even had. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34216

You deserved it

5303

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 00:17 - Israel

Today, my husband told me that he never washes his hands after using the bathroom because he thinks it's only for "paranoid people". FML

I agree, your life sucks

32310

You deserved it

3701

Tweet

Share

By anugla - 18/8/2009 05:02 - United States

Today, I ran over a cat while driving home. I tried to keep myself together but couldn't help but cry because of how bad I felt. Through my tears I failed to notice a porcupine in the middle of the road. Yep, I hit him too. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55391

You deserved it

19373

Tweet

Share

By Lonelyhopeful - 5/12/2016 20:08

Today, I was driving in a busy area looking for a place to park. I happened to lock eyes with a really handsome man who was walking alongside the road. He approached my car with a huge, gorgeous smile, and as I rolled my window down he asked, "Are you my Uber?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

8487

You deserved it

938

Tweet

Share

By dukemisery - 1/10/2016 05:34 - Hong Kong - Central District

Today, I was glad to find out that all the bedbugs have been eaten. Now I have a spider infestation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11461

You deserved it

933

Tweet

Share

By boiled ladybits - 25/6/2020 14:02

Call the waaaambulance!

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1430

You deserved it

360

Tweet

Share

By It burns down there - 11/12/2018 17:30

Today, I used a new fragrance-free hypoallergenic laundry detergent for my underwear, as I have sensitive skin. I got a rash. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2005

You deserved it

205

Tweet

Share

By Scarlett_Pixie - 24/12/2016 09:46 - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7417

You deserved it

1032

Tweet

Share

By Notaplacetogo - 17/2/2013 06:45 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend taking pictures of his penis in a condom. When I asked him what the hell he was doing he told me that he was making a stop-motion film called "All Dressed Up with Nowhere to go." FML

I agree, your life sucks

44492

You deserved it

10045

Tweet

Share

By backfat - 18/5/2018 01:44

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3559

You deserved it

1027

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/12/2015 18:23 - United States - Ridge

Today, I had to take my son to the ER after he badly messed up trying to light his farts on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23515

You deserved it

3033

Tweet

Share

By DarkChild - 11/2/2016 22:18 - France

Today, I found my 6-year-old daughter recording herself on her little tape recorder. When I asked her what she was up to, she replied in her cute little voice, "I'm recording myself so you'll have a souvenir when I'm dead." FML

I agree, your life sucks

22314

You deserved it

1572

Tweet

Share

By stew - 23/6/2009 15:47 - United States

Today, It took me more than 4 hours to set up the back yard for my daughters baby shower. It only took my husband one push of a button to turn on the sprinklers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48916

You deserved it

3836

Tweet

Share

By brhorton02 - 6/4/2009 14:42 - United States

Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22420

You deserved it

166142

Tweet

Share

By Dan - 20/10/2018 15:30

Today, I put some Gold Bond in between my legs to help reduce moisture. After I finished applying it, I discovered that the Gold Bond had Menthol in it. My crotch is on fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1537

You deserved it

2215

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/7/2010 23:43 - United States

Today, I learned that my mom's laptop was originally my Christmas gift. She opened it and decided she liked it so much she should have it. I got hot rollers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38635

You deserved it

2701

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 00:29 - Serbia

Today, I got a call from Red Cross about the blood donation I gave last week. They informed me that I have Hepatitis C. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40366

You deserved it

4239

Tweet

Share

By LiveGuard - 28/3/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11805

You deserved it

22196

Tweet

Share

By - 20/2/2020 18:00

So shite

Today, my date left the restaurant because I didn’t agree with his opinions about the mentally disabled or mixed race couples, etc. Basically, a real scumbag. He also left me the bill, and it turned out he had all the most expensive menu items, including a £120 bottle of wine. It cost over £300 total. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2149

You deserved it

311

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 20/10/2019 02:00

Sex Ed has failed a lot of people

Today, a senior girl in my college-level biology course asked our professor what periods are like when you’re pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1462

You deserved it

150

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 3/7/2013 16:25 - United States - Iowa City

Today, I was on a movie date with my boyfriend, when he asked for a handjob. I thought I was doing well until he sighed, took my hand off, and said he could finish on his own. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58492

You deserved it

18542

Tweet

Share

By MadameM - 26/2/2009 08:17 - United States

Today, I accidentally locked my car and house keys along with my phone in my car. Then I had to break into my own house looking for the spare. Someone called the police and I had to explain that I lived there. I forgot to grab the spare when I went to talk to the police officers I locked the door behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41960

You deserved it

9601

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 30/3/2014 18:45 - United Kingdom - Redditch

Today, it was my first ever live piano performance. It went all great until the end, when I stood up, slipped, and smashed face-first into the keys. I've lost half a tooth and all my dignity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47702

You deserved it

3857

Tweet

Share

By simple living - 29/4/2015 02:43 - United States - Austin

Today, my dog threw up on the tiled floor. I found out at 6 this morning in the dark when I slipped and fell in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30773

You deserved it

2654

Tweet

Share

By ArsonistsLullaby - 21/9/2016 21:02 - United States

Today, I had sex with my boyfriend for the first time. When he slid his penis in, he felt my NuvaRing, and with the most excitement I've ever seen a man muster, said, "Oh my god! You have your clit pierced! I can't believe I actually get to have sex with a girl who has her clit pierced!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

12693

You deserved it

1692

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By heyheyitskaykay | 7

#1745363 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:11

haha I hate it when I mess up my words like that!

By perdix | 29

#1745686 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 17:07

The same thing happened to me except my jumbled words came out as,

"I'm into cougars who own strap-ons"

Awkward! Especially since she was carrying one in her purse. I had to explain it was a slip of the tongue which unleashed a whole new nightmare on me.

Comments

By 2bj1234 | 0

#1745312 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:04

Nope, that's your problem!

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1745370 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:12

No welcome!

Reply

Selena_is_back | 7

#1745462 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:24

No thanks!

Reply

boyguydudemalema | 0

#1745496 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:32

your only spose to say one of the two, cuz it would sound weird if you said both at once. this has caused you to mixed both of them up, due to extreme weirdness

Reply

WhySoOblivious | 0

#1745780 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 17:42

Think before you speak. Simple.

By W4X | 0

#1745316 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:04

Oh No! A scowl! Your a bitch dude. Scared of ladies and whatnot…

Reply

julianna010905 | 4

#7476712 - Tuesday 27 June 2017 18:03

oh wow

By optimusprime0069 | 8

#1745336 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:06

thats not even and fml thats just a mistake

By pennies_lane | 6

#1745343 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:07

really? you got scowled at? THAT'S IT?! fyl for being a pussy!

By KiaMaster | 0

#1745356 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:10

she shouldn't take it as a offennce, basically everyone is a problem

By heyheyitskaykay | 7

#1745363 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:11

haha I hate it when I mess up my words like that!

Reply

bamagrl410 | 31

#1748422 - Thursday 25 November 2010 9:14

I do it all the time! It's really annoying when you're trying to make a good impression and then mess up.

Reply

sweetbitchx | 0

#1753252 - Friday 26 November 2010 5:53

yeah me too, especially when I'm trying to look smart -.-

By stephaniegeezy | 0

#1745377 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:13

Wow. OP, stop complaining, pussy.
Where are all the REAL FMLs?

By jenniferjen | 5

#1745382 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:13

such a perfect combination! LOL

By Bizzatch | 0

#1745406 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:17

lol no welcome

By Zigma_fml | 0

#1745434 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:20

A scowl isn't too bad. Still, I know how you feel, OP. I work at a toy store and we sometimes get really busy. I once mixed up "Thanks for shopping" and "Have a nice day."

I'll let you decide what the result was :P

Reply

SARSvirus79 | 0

#1745616 - Wednesday 24 November 2010 16:53

Thanks for a nice day? :-P