By Mapmouse - 27/1/2021 11:03

Open season

Today, I drove home to Las Vegas after being in quarantine in Los Angeles for two weeks. The lights were on and the lock was busted. My apartment is completely ransacked. Yay 2021. FML

I agree, your life sucks

916

Covid

Season finale

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

By mee - Australia

Dates that matter

Today, my boyfriend sang "Happy birthday" to my vagina. It was my birthday last month and he forgot, but he remembers the date of the first time he went down on me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35716

You deserved it

4637

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By Anonymous - United States - Levelland

Today, after I gave birth to our first child, my husband looked at the doctor and seriously asked, "When do you circumcise the baby?" We had a baby girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28706

You deserved it

2689

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By Syd - United States - Plano

Today, I looked at my neighbor's empty lawn; he's an old guy and he usually has the best Christmas lights. We knew he might not be able to do them this year, so I felt bad and I did them for him. Later, a neighbor asked about them and I told her that I helped out. She said, "You do know he died, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

38580

You deserved it

18517

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By Scarred4Life - United States - San Francisco

Today, while babysitting my nephew, I was looking through a bin of toys, and I saw a fake spider. I picked it up to do a prank with. It wasn't fake. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23558

You deserved it

5666

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By imfromtexas02 - United States

Today, I discovered an enormous hairy spider sitting in the bathtub. I also discovered that I scream like a girl and pee a little bit when I am truly terrified. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49363

You deserved it

12592

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By mahlee - United States

Today, my college roomate and I received our first pieces of mail. We were very excited because our mailbox wasn't empty anymore. She got a package of home baked cookies in the mail from her family. I got a letter from a stranger in prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41302

You deserved it

3708

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By WarMachine68 - United States - Shawnee

Today, just before a job interview, I coughed so violently that I lost my voice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26121

You deserved it

2099

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By Chefinblack - Australia

Today, at my prestigious sous chef job, I was preparing to plate up expensive entrees for a function of 150 people. After arriving to work 2 hours early to finalize finishing touches, they call the restaurant 5 minutes before their booking stating, 'We can't be bothered anymore, sorry.' FML

I agree, your life sucks

25842

You deserved it

1512

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By Lua - France - Laon

Today, my friends renamed my dog, “Dog Vader.“ Yes, my dog has asthma. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10306

You deserved it

909

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By brownunderwear - United States

Today, I took a poop that was three states of matter. Solid, liquid, and gas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27695

You deserved it

7851

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By belle_arina - United States

Today, we were doing stretches in dance class where you are on your hands and doing the splits in the air while your partner helps hold you and stretch your legs further. Right as I lift my left leg up, I farted hugely right in my partner's face. I couldn't make eye contact for the rest of class. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37355

You deserved it

8488

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I realised being the only female engineering student sucks. I have exactly one friend, because everyone else is too busy staring at my boobs to have a conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30678

You deserved it

4816

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By Anonymous - United States - Yucaipa

Today, the Star Wars Cantina song had been stuck in my head since I woke up, as my brother was humming it. I finally managed to get it out of my head. Then my mom started to whistle it. It's stuck in my head again. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21114

You deserved it

4249

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By Shell - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56241

You deserved it

4398

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By Anonymous

Not a girl, not yet a woman

Today, I got a very accusatory phone call from my daughter's teacher. According to my daughter, I absolutely refuse to let her eat in the morning. In reality, I told her it’s her responsibility to get herself up and get breakfast on her own before we leave. My daughter is 17 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2232

You deserved it

200

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By Richard

Today, my friends and I were kicked out of a Red Robin after the manager told us that our server accused us of making "sexually suggestive gestures" towards her. The gesture in question was the circle game. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2051

You deserved it

1417

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By weneedthatmoneytoliveon - Australia - Melbourne

Today, I overheard my mother Skyping with her new "boyfriend" about the $1,000 she just sent him. She barely knew what internet dating was three weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48066

You deserved it

3607

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By Fennec - France - Paris

Today, my coworkers and I were comparing the backgrounds we have on our phones. They pretty much sum up our love lives; everyone else's background is a photo of their boyfriend or girlfriend. Mine's a photo of a lifeless desert. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40417

You deserved it

4863

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By Anonymous - United States - Newberry

Today, I was talking to my husband about how I wanted our marriage to improve and not just be sex all the time. In the middle of my sentence, he asked for a blow job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34245

You deserved it

6851

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that when I thought the bullying had finally stopped, the bullies had actually been sponsored to be nice for charity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28160

You deserved it

2709

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14429

You deserved it

32172

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By helen_ - United States

Thanks for coming to my Ted talk

Today, I had to go to my 10 year-old son's school to talk about my job being a chef. As I was almost finished, I asked the kids "What would you like to do when you grow up?" Without hesitation one kid replied with a straight face, "Anything but being a douchebag like you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

65352

You deserved it

6021

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By fucktelstra - Australia - Adelaide

Today, I missed a phone interview for a job at Telstra because Telstra's phone network was down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21475

You deserved it

1391

Favorite

By lloydLO - United States

Today, I met and asked a cute girl out on a date. We decided to meet at a fancy restaurant downtown. When I got there I saw her sitting with what turned out to be her parents. They made a huge scene, calling me a pedophile and a low-life. Apparently, the girl was 16 years old. I'm 25. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39930

You deserved it

13483

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By quickfingers100 - United Kingdom

Today, I fell asleep in class. I'm the teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17614

You deserved it

47979

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By ShouldBeSingleSoon - United States - Lincoln

Today, my boyfriend, who moved in about a month ago, decided he wanted to move back out. Why? Because I don't keep my place clean enough for him. This, coming from the same man who refuses to wash or clean anything because "that's what women are for." FML

I agree, your life sucks

41161

You deserved it

10113

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By wifeofafainter - United States - Bronx

Today, I told my husband I was pregnant, then he fainted. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23333

You deserved it

3049

Favorite

By Jessica S. - United States - Louisville

Today, I found out that the mysterious and creepy weirdo guy that continuously sends me messages on Facebook is my manager at my new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25372

You deserved it

2009

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2020 05:06

Uninvolved

Today, I woke up to the only home I've ever known in 32 years being burned to ash by a wildfire with everything we own inside, barely getting me and my dogs out alive. My boyfriend of 3 years promised me we would work through this together, no matter what it took, only to completely ghost me a few hours later. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1384

You deserved it

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By back to creepers - United Kingdom - Worcester

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me via a sign he made in front of my Minecraft house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49451

You deserved it

6488

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By thunder thighs - United States

Today, my boyfriend was tapping on my thigh to the beat of the music when we were driving to dinner. When I asked him what he was doing he replied, "Just watching the ripples." FML

I agree, your life sucks

40436

You deserved it

6268

Favorite

By RickTheBoy - Canada - Toronto

Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML

I agree, your life sucks

32396

You deserved it

50054

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By nightDREAMERms - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that I'm the "lucky" type of woman who can experience intense orgasms in certain positions: in the middle of group yoga. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48640

You deserved it

7489

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By msassy - United States - Lexington

Today, the "My body is beautiful" t-shirt that my therapist gave me didn't fit. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31387

You deserved it

6803

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By tallwoman - Denmark

Today, I was at a concert. During the concert, my shoelaces went undone, so I bent down to tie them. Not two seconds later, the girl behind me jumped on my shoulders and refused to get down. She said "tall guys" are the best to ride on during concerts. My name is Maria. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37472

You deserved it

4083

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By Anonymous - United States - Moorpark

Today, some popped-collar wearing shitbird tried to pick me up with the line, "You look like Marilyn Monroe's corpse! Wanna fuck?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

32920

You deserved it

2751

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By Starchaser

Today, I helped my children dye Easter eggs. They did great. My husband, however, is covered in dye spots and glitter from "helping." FML

I agree, your life sucks

4297

You deserved it

606

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By worldsbestjobgonebad - Canada

Today, I was walking home from my acting gig at a haunted hayride. Even after spending lots of time washing the fake blood off my hands and face, I looked like I'd murdered someone. Perhaps that's why an officer stopped me and questioned me about a stabbing that happened earlier tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38937

You deserved it

4121

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving through a neighborhood and saw a "slow down, children" sign. I was nice and slowed down as I passed a couple little kids with their parents outside watching them. I guess I was going too slow because one of the fathers started chasing me down the street calling me a pedophile. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46299

You deserved it

4354

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to bury my horse again because coyotes keep digging it up. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44944

You deserved it

3357

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Top comments

By Seeya55 | 31

#7967498 - Wednesday 27 January 2021 15:35

Here's hoping you have renters insurance. Everyone should, always. It's extremely cheap and protects you more than you think. Even better if you keep updated photos of your home or itemized list of your belongings!

Makes it SO much easier for insurance claims. Make sure you write down the brand of toaster, not just "toaster". So you'll receive the proper price replacement!

COMMENTS

By Seeya55 | 31

#7967498 - Wednesday 27 January 2021 15:35