Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put...

By queen - 30/12/2010 01:29 - Brazil

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

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11832

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Intimacy

Work name

Who's a good boy?

Yappy neighborhood

By Bree - 23/9/2018 03:00

Today, it's my wedding anniversary. I decided to come home early to surprise my husband, but I was the one left surprised. I walked in on him in bed with a teenager. I'm six months pregnant with our second child. FML

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5874

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By busmanhoe - 14/12/2009 11:19 - Norway

Today, I was sitting on the bus to the gym. I saw that an old woman needed help to get off the bus, so I got up, and helped her off. When I had finally got her down the stairs the bus closed the doors and drove away. I was in the middle of nowhere and the bus drove away with all my things. FML

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33802

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By Maria - 20/8/2012 13:25 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, a stranger came up to me with a flirty smile, greeted me by my name, and asked if I remembered him. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't remember, so I asked him to tell me. He promptly left with a disappointed look. He was the most gorgeous person I've ever seen. FML

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36662

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By givemestrength - 14/8/2014 10:31 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss expects me to conduct a meeting with a client, give him all the info he needs, and manage his campaign. This is because he fired the "expensive" marketing director and wants me, the intern, to continue his work. FML

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39382

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2019 06:00

Fight!

Today, I overheard my husband of 3 years talking to our boss, an attractive blonde. She was telling him that she couldn't believe he was with me. She thinks I'm fat and ugly and that he's hot. He said, "She's not that bad…" We work in the same store and she follows him around like a puppy. FML

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1977

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By chicoallen - 31/8/2011 18:45 - United States

Today, after getting off work from a horrible 16 hour shift, I went out to my truck. My windows were completely covered in window chalk, to the point that I couldn't leave. I had to spend the next hour and a half washing it all off while my manager laughed about it. FML

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27849

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By Anonymous - 22/7/2017 05:29 - United States - Irving

Today, my dad unlocked the bathroom door and barged in without warning only to catch me, with no clothes on, masturbating. He said, "sorry" but stayed for another 20 seconds to look for his shampoo. FML

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6964

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By Anonymous - 10/12/2015 13:27 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I fell asleep while using my laptop. The next thing I know, it's 8am and my dad is screaming at me for posting "u skank-ass cunt-face" on my mom's Facebook timeline. I never made that post, but he won't believe me. My asshole brother, meanwhile, can't stop smirking at me. FML

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23809

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By Unreality - 26/1/2011 21:26 - United States

Today, I discovered my fiancé has been telling everyone else we are just friends, yet last night he wanted me to go with him to pick up my engagement ring. I'm supposing the wedding will be a surprise to everyone. FML

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By GetMeTheDamnBleach - 21/10/2014 19:46 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I smashed a spider with my pencil eraser. Later, I absentmindedly chewed on it while doing my homework. FML

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By faeliality - 15/10/2016 05:54 - United States

Today, I discovered that yes, you CAN forget how to ride a bike. Too bad I discovered this in front of all my son's friends and their parents while at his birthday party. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2015 19:16

Today, while shopping with my 6-year-old daughter, she said, "Mommy, remember you wanna get duck tape!" A middle-aged guy nearby scoffed and told her: "DUCT, not DUCK. Dumb cunt." I ended up having to drive my bawling daughter home with no shopping. FML

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48234

You deserved it

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By Fwick - 19/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I saw my boyfriend for the last time for two years. When we got back from dinner, we sat in his truck for a little while to talk. A few minutes later, my mom comes flying out of my house screaming, "Satan is here, and he is tempting you!" That is the last memory he will have of me. FML

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88848

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By ohhhman - 10/4/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, one of the Haitians that works in the kitchen at my restaurant said something to me. Usually I can't understand them and I just smile and laugh, so that's what I did this time. Later, I found out he was trying to tell me his father had passed away. FML

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19643

You deserved it

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By ... - 18/2/2018 01:30

Today, I realized all of my boyfriend's and my dirty messages were being sent to my mom because I'd logged into messenger on her phone once without logging out. She sat me down and said, "I know your mouth's been on his wee wee." FML

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3286

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 01:59 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I told my parents I was pregnant. They yelled at me until I started crying. I'm 31, married, and I have a good paying job. FML

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30724

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By DumbassRoaster - 10/7/2016 19:44 - United States - Fairview

Today, I was woken up by my dad and my dog barking at each other, and my dad yelling, "I am the Alpha male!" FML

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By milksquad - 17/7/2017 14:11

Today, my roommates adopted two kittens without consulting me. We're not allowed to have pets in our apartment and I'm severely allergic to cats. Oh well, it's not like I needed to be able to breathe this summer. FML

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By La Guigne - 8/4/2013 21:10 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I was in the break room with my colleagues and our awful boss. As ever, he was talking trash, convinced that his jokes were actually funny. The window was open, and it was chilly. As he walked by it, I mangled my words and said, "Cedric, could you please shut your mouth?" FML

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32541

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By Jake - 25/7/2009 04:17 - United States

Today, I was going to hang out with the girl I like, because she was leaving for the rest of the Summer. She had to cancel to go shopping with her grandma "all day." At 1 o'clock, she came online and told me how much fun she had with this guy I really don't like. She forgot that she lied to me. FML

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55140

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By bbbblt - 15/8/2010 11:39 - Australia

Today, my sister got caught cheating on her boyfriend. She was cheating on him with my boyfriend. FML

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51674

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 17:27 - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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20148

You deserved it

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By Jacqueline H'ghar - 30/7/2016 08:56 - New Zealand

Today, I missed my bus to the doctor's office for my scheduled pap test. I was so desperate, I called my deadbeat mom to ask for a ride. She said "Virgins don't need pap tests", laughed, then hung up on me. FML

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15710

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2020 08:29

Thanks for all the help

Today, I found the Facebook album my sister took with her kids by the pool and out on boats while back in our hometown. My problem? I'm our dad's carer since his stroke and she had planned the trip as a mission to help me take care of him, but due to her kids being "sick", she only visited briefly. Twice. In 5 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2012 09:28 - Australia - Weston

Today, I thought it would be nice to park my new car under a big, shady oak tree to prevent it from heating up in the sun. The big, shady oak tree thought it would be nice to shed a massive branch on top of my new car. FML

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By Welp - 14/6/2017 14:00

Today, I failed my nursing clinical for, "being too nice". FML

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4121

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357

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By Radgirl - 28/4/2009 02:10 - United States

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

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17310

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By notsober - 20/3/2012 05:49 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the first time. About 2 hours later, he got to hold my hair while I puked, also for the first time. FML

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By lion2294 - 5/3/2015 09:19 - United States - Laingsburg

Today, my boss threatened to fire me if I didn't stop looking at my phone while working. I work in the back room, and there is no clock in there. I look at my phone to check the time. That way I know how long I have left in that hellhole. FML

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31046

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By lateralligator - 14/9/2019 02:02

Elvis has left the building

Today, I realized I need to lose weight when I split my pants wide open while at my job directing a funeral, bowing to the casket in front of 200 silent devout attendees, during prayers. I picked that day to wear a red thong. FML

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1468

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By single again - 6/9/2013 00:29 - United States - Chico

Today, I'm a police officer who had the honor of arresting my girlfriend of 3 months for prostitution. All of my coworkers at the station know her and won't stop giving me judging looks. FML

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52907

You deserved it

5241

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By catguy - 19/8/2009 09:08 - United States

Today, and for quite some time, my girlfriend has been telling me that she needs to go home each night to take care of her cat. Taking care of her cat is, it seems, an euphemism for having it off with her neighbor Tom since her cat died three months ago. FML

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48505

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By AlwaysAwkward - 3/3/2014 02:30 - United States - Strongsville

Today, I got my first massage. At the end, the masseuse made a gesture indicating which way the exit was. After having had her hands all over my body for the past hour, I thought the gesture was indicative of a goodbye hug. Things got awkward really fast. FML

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By burned_away - 19/8/2009 18:10 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend was leaving for work. From the other room I heard him call out, "see you soon beautiful." Touched, I went to give him a parting kiss. He stopped me and said, "I was talking to the cat." FML

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45618

You deserved it

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By Anonymous - 17/11/2013 19:11 - United States - Ontario

Today, I found myself admiring my eyelids for being the only parts of my face not covered in acne. FML

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48307

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By goodbye cruel world - 23/2/2014 19:00 - United States - Salisbury

Today, I've been forced to start packing to go on a vacation with my parents, because they say I've been studying too hard and need a break. I've hardly studied at all and was planning on making up for it all in the time I had left before finals. I'm screwed. FML

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23362

You deserved it

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By Kathleen Michelle Cooper - 28/8/2018 20:30

Today, I found out I'm pregnant with my second child. This wouldn't be so bad if my son wasn't only 10 months old and my partner, the father of my children, hadn't been secretly seeing his ex wife. FML

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3086

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2015 17:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I felt some serious gas building up while at the supermarket. I tried to quietly fart it out, only to end up sharting myself. I had to frantically waddle out of the store as discreetly as possible as several people in the vicinity freaked out and tried to locate the source of the smell. FML

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26420

You deserved it

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By Dopeydancer - 8/9/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By Matt - 5/10/2011 10:49 - Australia

Today, I finished a website that I have been working on for ages for a friend. He tried to repay me by offering to teach me to play table tennis. FML

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#744756 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:13

Wow, your boyfriend found a keeper. You're easy, but provide the illusion of his having accomplished something by getting in his pants! In other words, he had your pussy and ate it too.

By JassyJas | 2

#744747 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:11

so do i...
oh OP youre bf is FUNNY more of a fhl because his gf doesnt think so

Comments

By blakehilli8 | 0

#744734 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:09

I agree with number one

amerrah | 4

#1010294 - Friday 28 May 2010 16:08

WIN.

By JassyJas | 2

#744747 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:11

so do i...
oh OP youre bf is FUNNY more of a fhl because his gf doesnt think so

ChrisofTheK | 0

#2989741 - Friday 29 July 2011 0:40

what does "op" mean?

Crystal55621 | 19

#3628986 - Thursday 24 November 2011 8:27

....original poster.....????

maverik5124 | 6

#4382905 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 20:43

orgasm producer of course?

By XxSKELETOxX | 0

#744748 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:12

I strongly disagree with number 2

breenarae25 | 0

#1608700 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 6:14

where's #1 ?

Xmarshall16X | 5

#2602823 - Thursday 2 June 2011 1:25

I strongly disagree with number 3.

By Ninjaface | 0

#744756 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:13

Wow, your boyfriend found a keeper. You're easy, but provide the illusion of his having accomplished something by getting in his pants! In other words, he had your pussy and ate it too.

GrammarFailure | 0

#993490 - Friday 14 May 2010 15:00

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

Ginkle45 | 1

#3104958 - Sunday 14 August 2011 5:29

Boom.. Nice

By beastlycass | 0

#744757 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:15

oouch

By iaaan | 0

#744767 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:21

you should've sang YMCA right before he put it in. trust me, it's awesome

Vampyro94 | 0

#897823 - Saturday 27 February 2010 17:45

yea YMCA would have been hilarious

username1012 | 8

#5864495 - Friday 21 February 2014 7:39

Dude your comment made my day

By matineesuxxx | 1

#744824 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:51

ahaha man aha

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#744839 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:58

maybe you should just let him have it next time so he won't sing....

I had respect for you lady, before you opened up your gap

By SweetestSin | 4

#744866 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 10:12

LMAO this is the hilarious, and you labeled yourself Queen in intimacy (sp?) - HA, queen in boredom should be more like it.

It would be awesome if my husband did this, my vagina would feel the vibes of the music and dance to the taps of his fingertips

cocobulla1 | 4

#2547679 - Sunday 22 May 2011 6:43

ok then...

By Leafhead | 0

#744896 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 10:53

Hey dumbass, I mean SweetestSin. Her name is just "Queen" after the band who sang the damn song. The in intimacy part is where it is put in the FML sections.
-_-

namnams | 3

#795356 - Sunday 24 January 2010 11:04

Oh the irony.

Ginkle45 | 1

#3104967 - Sunday 14 August 2011 5:32

You showed her