Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put...

By queen - 30/12/2010 01:29 - Brazil

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend and he tried to put his hand inside my pants. I didn't want it to be that easy so I denied, but he insisted a lot and I finally let him. He started to sing "We Are The Champions." FML

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Intimacy

Proactive

Clocked

Social distancing gone wrong

By VeeDubDisaster - 17/1/2010 02:35 - United States

Today, I went to start my just bought '79 VW bus. I put my key in but stopped due to the strong gasoline smell. I went to check. Found puddle of gas. The previous owner figured duct taping a cracked tank was the same as fixing it. And didn't bother to share that tidbit with me. FML

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By steph2052 - 13/7/2011 00:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I came across the topic of school while chatting. He asked me what high school I went to and where I moved from. I have lived here my whole life, he was my crush for four years, and was in my classes throughout those years. He doesn't believe me. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 21:09 - United Kingdom

Today, I was ambushed by a very angry beaver. FML

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By blue - 8/9/2011 08:23 - United States

Today, I was put on notice at work due to my "anger problem." Apparently, sighing in a meeting means you will be labeled as someone with a short temper. However the creepy stalker guy is on the fast track to management. FML

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By OrlandoZ6 - 25/5/2009 16:48 - United States

Today, I was laying down on my couch. My friend IM's me on my laptop to watch a video. It turned out that the video was one of those scary pop up's. I got so scared I dropped my laptop. The screen had a big crack. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2010 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend got mugged. I found out because the mugger had the courtesy to ring me, after I texted several times asking where he was, to say "He won't reply. He got robbed." FML

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By HitbyIce - 7/2/2010 07:21 - United States

Today, I was at the theatre watching a movie. There was a lady and a kid behind me. I all of a sudden felt ice hit my head. I turned around and asked the kid to stop, then heard his mom say, "Hit that cow!" FML

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By maharaja - 6/8/2019 12:00

Today, multiple people informed my girlfriend that I’m cheating on her. I’m not. FML

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By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

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By desigymrat - 25/12/2010 05:29 - France

Today, I was working out at the gym. A very attractive girl was watching me work out, so feeling like a stud, I tried to lift a really heavy weight. I failed, got trapped, and watched helplessly as she walked away laughing. FML

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By Bishop - 6/6/2012 14:19

Today, a man on the bus questioned my sexuality for being a male nurse. I asked him what he did and he said he worked in a garage. When I pointed out that I work with sexy nurses all day and he works with sweaty guys, he punched me in the stomach. FML

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By Nerrh - 12/3/2011 10:53 - Australia

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2012 01:29 - United States

Today, I had a violent sneezing attack while changing my phone's password and now I have no idea what it could be. FML

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By Dead Inside - 3/12/2018 07:30 - United States - Elkhart

Today, the family dog was in the garbage and wouldn't stop eating. He is a large dog, and I had to put my arms around him and pull him out of the trash can. Well, he bit me so hard I was bleeding. My whole family is siding with the dog and saying it was my fault for not letting him eat. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By ugly - 7/4/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

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By vetstudentdream - 15/4/2017 22:00 - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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By True Story - 29/8/2011 12:46 - Canada

Today, it's been a year since I've been with my girlfriend, and I think that I hate more things about her than I like. For instance, how she likes to throw furniture at me. FML

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By somnolence - 17/9/2016 21:20 - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2016 22:09

Today, my boss reprimanded me for a huge screw-up that he was responsible for. FML

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By CollegeFreshman - 11/9/2009 04:20 - United States

Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML

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By dfkjhregoiuberiug - 9/12/2009 09:20 - United States

Today, I woke up in my best guy friend's bed to the sound of him jerking off. As I laid there motionless with my back to him, he reached around me to grab a tissue. I don't think I can ever speak to him again. FML

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By Username - 11/8/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, after coming back from deployment, I found a homeless guy had broken into my house and made it his home for the last 5 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2009 12:08 - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

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By anonymous - 23/11/2010 09:32

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:35 - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 19:32 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I went to the movies with my husband and our 6-year-old son. My husband kept stealing popcorn from the guy next to him, to the point where the guy punched him in the face. The movie was stopped, the police were called, and my son is now inconsolable. FML

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By MR - 10/3/2010 18:37 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum decided to teach me a lesson about carelessly leaving my wallet about. She left it on the floor so our puppy could use it and its contents as a chew toy. I was almost impressed to discover that he can eat three £20 notes and still have room for debit cards. FML

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By vanorav - 18/3/2012 02:41 - United States - Santa Clarita

Today, I walked into the kitchen to eat some breakfast. I got a full visual of my drunk neighbor dancing naked in my backyard. FML

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By nodullmoment - 26/4/2013 03:01 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I got home and noticed people were looking at my next-door neighbor's house that is for rent. Peering closer, I realized my ex-boyfriend and the girl he cheated on me with a few months ago are inside. After they left, the "for rent" sign came down. I've got new neighbors. FML

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By JK - 1/2/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he'd like to dress me in a squirrel suit and chase me through the forest. This was the surprising result of a discussion on how to spice up our love life. FML

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By cutup - 11/7/2012 17:54 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I tried to trim my dog's nails. After about a half hour of barking, biting, and general freaking out, I gave up and decided to pay someone else to do it. I'm a vet, and do this for a living. FML

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By bellaellaella - 22/9/2009 18:10 - United States

Today, after months of enduring my neighbors relentlessly yapping schnauzer, Molly, I moved into a new building. I was greeted by my new neighbor and her yapping rat terrier, Molly. FML

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By CurtisWogan - 12/3/2014 22:23 - United States - Albany

Today, I met my mom's new business partner for the first time. I shook his hand, and introduced myself as "Lisa's daughter". I'm a guy. FML

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By rj - 6/3/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the dentist after 24 hours of severe tooth pain. They did an emergency root canal. After the anesthesia wore off, within minutes, the pain returned only worse than before. Called the dentist, I had to return, only to find they had done the root canal on the wrong tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2016 03:40 - United States - San Jose

Today, I was driving home when a guy crashes into me from behind. I get out of my car and tell him that I'm going to call the cops. He then asks me if we can move to a corner because we're blocking the way, so then get back in to move. I look in the mirror to see him driving off. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2010 13:19 - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me the reason he can't keep an erection while we have sex is that I'm not attractive enough. FML

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By grounded - 3/1/2010 16:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on Facebook when I saw a link about what Pokémon would look like if they had genitals. I'm not quite sure why, but I decided to click it, and at that exact moment, my brother and his friend walked in. They told my mom I was looking at Pokémon porn. I'll never be able to live this down. FML

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By Tygastyle - 23/6/2009 17:37 - United States

Today, at the bank, I went to get some coffee from their machine. I gave it my money and pressed the buttons but nothing was happening. After banging on the machine for ten minutes and calling a teller over, a little boy reached up on his tippy toes to press the giant green START button for me. FML

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By broussimousse - 10/3/2009 20:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a run with this cute guy I know. I was sweating untractively and profusely so I decided to discretly grab a leaf from a tree and wipe my face with it. A bird had done the same with his ass few minutes ago. FML

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Top comments

By Ninjaface | 0

#744756 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:13

Wow, your boyfriend found a keeper. You're easy, but provide the illusion of his having accomplished something by getting in his pants! In other words, he had your pussy and ate it too.

By JassyJas | 2

#744747 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:11

so do i...
oh OP youre bf is FUNNY more of a fhl because his gf doesnt think so

COMMENTS

By blakehilli8 | 0

#744734 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:09

I agree with number one

amerrah | 4

#1010294 - Friday 28 May 2010 16:08

WIN.

By JassyJas | 2

#744747 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:11

so do i...
oh OP youre bf is FUNNY more of a fhl because his gf doesnt think so

ChrisofTheK | 0

#2989741 - Friday 29 July 2011 0:40

what does "op" mean?

Crystal55621 | 19

#3628986 - Thursday 24 November 2011 8:27

....original poster.....????

maverik5124 | 6

#4382905 - Wednesday 2 May 2012 20:43

orgasm producer of course?

By XxSKELETOxX | 0

#744748 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:12

I strongly disagree with number 2

breenarae25 | 0

#1608700 - Wednesday 27 October 2010 6:14

where's #1 ?

Xmarshall16X | 5

#2602823 - Thursday 2 June 2011 1:25

I strongly disagree with number 3.

By Ninjaface | 0

#744756 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:13

Wow, your boyfriend found a keeper. You're easy, but provide the illusion of his having accomplished something by getting in his pants! In other words, he had your pussy and ate it too.

GrammarFailure | 0

#993490 - Friday 14 May 2010 15:00

WINNER WINNER CHICKEN DINNER.

Ginkle45 | 1

#3104958 - Sunday 14 August 2011 5:29

Boom.. Nice

By beastlycass | 0

#744757 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:15

oouch

By iaaan | 0

#744767 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:21

you should've sang YMCA right before he put it in. trust me, it's awesome

Vampyro94 | 0

#897823 - Saturday 27 February 2010 17:45

yea YMCA would have been hilarious

username1012 | 8

#5864495 - Friday 21 February 2014 7:39

Dude your comment made my day

By matineesuxxx | 1

#744824 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:51

ahaha man aha

By BrownSugar_fml | 5

#744839 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 9:58

maybe you should just let him have it next time so he won't sing....

I had respect for you lady, before you opened up your gap

By SweetestSin | 4

#744866 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 10:12

LMAO this is the hilarious, and you labeled yourself Queen in intimacy (sp?) - HA, queen in boredom should be more like it.

It would be awesome if my husband did this, my vagina would feel the vibes of the music and dance to the taps of his fingertips

cocobulla1 | 4

#2547679 - Sunday 22 May 2011 6:43

ok then...

By Leafhead | 0

#744896 - Wednesday 30 December 2010 10:53

Hey dumbass, I mean SweetestSin. Her name is just "Queen" after the band who sang the damn song. The in intimacy part is where it is put in the FML sections.
-_-

namnams | 3

#795356 - Sunday 24 January 2010 11:04

Oh the irony.

Ginkle45 | 1

#3104967 - Sunday 14 August 2011 5:32

You showed her