Today, I was reading a book in bed when my dad came to check whether or not I was asleep. To avoid any conversation, I pretended that I was. Turns out he was just checking whether he and my mom could have sex while I was fast asleep. I couldn't plug my ears in time. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was lying in bed, trying to sleep, when I heard my parents having sex, so I put on my headphones. After listening to music for a good long while, I figured they were done by now, so I took off the headphones just in time to hear them finish. FML
Today, I heard my parents having sex. It wouldn't have been so bad if we weren't in the same hotel room. They thought I was asleep. FML
Today, I pretended to be asleep when my mom and her best friend came home because I was tired as hell and I didn't want to be around them. I was then treated to a loud conversation about my mom's first time with a woman through our paper-thin walls. FML
Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML
Today, I got permission from my parents for my boyfriend to stay over. Things got intimate, and I tried my hardest not to make too much noise. However, while having a post-sex cuddle, we heard my parents in the next room muttering about my "faking". FML
Today, I heard my parents having sex for the first time so I turned the TV up really loud to drown out the noise, and a minute or two later my mom comes downstairs in this skimpy nightgown to ask me why the TV was so loud and, seeing the horror on my face, kept asking what was wrong with me. FML
Today, I was touching myself under the sheets at 2:00 a.m. when my very drunk dad walked into the room. I was afraid to move my hand for fear of getting caught red-handed, so I had a 30 minute conversation with him with my fingers still inside me. FML
Today, I had to have an awkward conversation with my parents when they told me they were able to hear me and my boyfriend having sex at night. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I came back to my house after a night on the town. Thinking the house was empty, we had sex. Just as it was getting good, my phone beeped. It was a text from my mom, saying, "Quiet down. Even your father can tell you're faking." FML
Today, my long-distance boyfriend and I decided to be a bit naughty on Skype. It was 3am so we assumed that my dad was asleep and did some dirty talk. When we were done, I heard my dad laughing outside my room; he'd heard it all. FML
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Top comments
SmallBean 12
well at least he had the courtesy to check if you were up or not. Next time just have that 30 second conversation with your father and you can avoid this again.
sens3sfailing 25
Why didn't I think of that? I'll just completely change the thickness of my walls with that easy do-it-yourself kit they sell online...
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Comments (112)
EvilUndead 9
Soundproof your room.
imaginaryvoice 18
Whelp, nothing left to do other than tickle the pickle. Flick the bean. Whatever it is you anonymous people do
oj101 33
Most people don't think about their parents 95% of the time, let alone think about them doing the deed, and yet let alone preparing for the worst. Plus it costs quite a lot of money, would be embarrassing for both parties and rather impractical. Some things work in theory, but not in practice for this one. Headphones are better.
sens3sfailing 25
Why didn't I think of that? I'll just completely change the thickness of my walls with that easy do-it-yourself kit they sell online...
CharresBarkrey 16
22 - Psst. Egg cartons and acoustic foam. Worked like a charm for my drum set when I was in high school.
dancinwookie 21
You could round up a plethora of mattresses and line every inch of your room. The added bonus to this is you can sleep anywhere you want.
EvilUndead 9
21, regardless of parents, soundproofing is a GOOD thing. In cities, especially.
qwillis98 20
"Roses are red, violets are blue, your parent f*cked, but its YOU who go screwed!"
Bluekaren16 19
Well sounds like your dad got right to it!
lilhellian 27
Just open the book up and get lost in it..
Pleonasm 36
50 shades of grey?
igive 29
No, OP said they were reading a book. 50 Shades is unworthy of being called "a book."
KillerPotato 14
HAHAHAHAHA.
sens3sfailing 25
Can we put twilight in that category as well?
SpottedZebra42 14
Isn't 50 shades of grey just a fanfic of twilight with the names changed?
ShyAnn29 15
31, I think the author started out writing twilight fanfic.
jem970 19
It would be so nice to stop hearing about how those books suck. Yes I called them books and they are for ENTERTAINMENT, they werent writting them to win the Nobel prize or the Pulitzer!
charvisioku 22
57, I know what you mean but it's pretty infuriating seeing those sorry excuses for books on the shelves when there are tonnes of writers trying and failing to get published. Twishite and 50 Shades belong on a free website, not an actual bookshelf.
ChibiChibi_fml 28
People apparently disagreed with you though because both of those started on a free website and the people wanted more.
HelloSirs 14
I might start walking around talking about my favorite **** sites. Since that is basically just the visual version of 50 Shades of Gray.
Googolman 29
Have any of you noticed that on page 69 of the book "Fifty Shades Darker" two characters are having sex?
sens3sfailing 25
wow, you just killed off a quarter of my braincells with that stupid comment...
nedelife 3
that's every page. and it would be funnier if they were 69ing
SmallBean 12
well at least he had the courtesy to check if you were up or not. Next time just have that 30 second conversation with your father and you can avoid this again.
JenkJenks 6
Next time he checks on you just pop out of bed and yell, "I'm awake!!! For God's sake please know that I am awake!!!"
Pleonasm 36
Not as scarring as the thought that all that has happened many more times while you were asleep. Who knows what freaky things they do when you're not listening.
HelloSirs 14
Those "family friends" that come over ;).
Tavers 19
What about the thought that they may have done it on your bed while your out of the house?
PenguinBitch 44
Well since you already know what they're doing you might as well go along with it. Read 50 Shades of Grey. The story will really come to life with the added background noises.
musicalnoodles23 5
Just.... Just no. No. I'm sorry, nobody's gonna do that.
thandidavis 17
Nastyyyy
Pleonasm 36
Plauge? Retna? And a naked mom? Whose naked mom?
rein 8
Well at least your eyes were closed :p
SpottedZebra42 14
You do realize they weren't canoodling on his bedroom floor, right? They have their own room.... ....at least I hope so.
ShyAnn29 15
33, that's a funny, yet disturbing mental image, OP laying in bed reading, while his parents are having sex on his bedroom floor. YUCK!
DerrickJames 33
Stomp on the floor. It works like a charm.
LuckySpork 3
Or be less of a douche about it and just go flush the toilet. Make it seem less bitchy, but they will know you're awake.
Gunnie 24
#64 Your comment made me almost piss in my pants xD Hahaha Luckily I went to the toilet just before reading it.
bReLiNg 18
#64 I've done that. In a different situation. Lets just say it was 2 am, and my ma being single looked some stuff up while forgetting to plug in some head phones. Lovely sounds to wake up to.
igive 29
That's when you "sleep walk" out of the house.
dogpfcorn 11
Wtf is with that demonic scary as hell profile pic man?! O.o
igive 29
I'm a girl. Secondly, I like it. It's why I have it.