Love: Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes...

By sexxibxmami - United States

Today, my mom came over to visit and permed my hair. Ten minutes after she started, I told her it was burning. She told me to suck it up because it doesn't hurt that badly. I now have scabs all over my scalp, hairline, and nape. FML

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Love

Sorry…

Drained

Deadly cocktail

By crushedsoul - United States - Baltimore

Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By ziggers10 - United States

Today, I was proposed to, under the condition that I "get thin" first. FML

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By wow - United States - Gainesville

Today, my daughter mentioned that she didn't need to work because she could convert a dollar to 13 Mexican pesos and convert it back into "13 USD", over and over again. She's 17. FML

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By 10 years, 0 dates - 28/11/2020 11:03

Silver linings

Today, I wanted to ask out this cute girl I used to work with. Before I could, she said she likes my only friend there, and asked if could I set them up. Trying to be nice guy and good friend, I did. Then she made her complete lack of interest in me obvious. But hey, at least the gay guy she hung out with thought I was cute. FML

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709

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By hipprep83 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

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By Foxy - United States

Today, I lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend and found out I'm severely allergic to latex. I also found out that my family doctor had been transferred to the ER. He went to play golf with my dad later. FML

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By Aunjy - United States - Marmora

Today, I babysat a 4-year-old child for my neighbor. It seems he had diarrhea. The evidence of this is in his pants, down his leg, on the couch, on the bathroom floor, smeared on my wall, and in the shape of a brown handprint on my shirt. FML

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By Uriyahu - United States

Today, a drunk driver crashed in through my living room wall. Not only that, but he managed to completely miss the first two houses on the block, which should have been a barrier before mine. FML

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By deadman - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

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By lindora - 14/9/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

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1126

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By maystar

That's worth $0.30 at GameStop!

Today, it's my birthday. My mom and three other relatives each bought me a copy of Diablo 3 for my birthday. A video game that I didn't ask for, for a console I don't have. FML

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3786

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By itzcorinnelove - United States

Today, I was walking my Aunt's dog to the park and I grabbed a few doggy bags to pick up the poop. As it turns out the bag had a small unoticable hole in it, that grew bigger as I fit my hand through it. I ended up using my hand to pick up the poop and didnt realize it. FML

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Long thought

Today, I was on the toilet and jumped when I saw a face at the window. It was my own reflection. FML

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By ThanksAsshole

Tonight, on Asshole Bosses…

Today, I got fired from a business I ran for almost 6 years. Why? The new owner refuses to close, despite our governor ordering non-essential businesses to close, and for people to stay home. I told her I wasn’t comfortable working, and that it was technically illegal. So she fired me in a group chat. FML

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By delicious - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I poured boiling water over my instant noodles. A freshly boiled cockroach also rolled out onto my noodles. FML

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21768

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By CryoSpectre - United States - San Francisco

Today, I made my mom cookies for Mother's Day. My brother took all the cookies to work as a snack, because I didn't specifically tell him that the homemade "MOM" hearts weren't meant for him. FML

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30759

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By GiraffeLover - Australia

Today, my 17 year old boyfriend's mother bought him a giraffe onesie. He refused to take it off and insisted on wearing it everywhere we go. We live in Australia and it's our summer now. So far he has passed out 3 times in public because he over heated, but he still won't take it off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

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21711

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I broke my toe. After telling my friend about it, he promptly stomped on it to "see what my reaction would be." FML

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34359

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By wtf dad - United States - Saint Charles

Today, I learned who my dad's new fiancée is. Upon meeting her she exclaimed, "My, I haven't seen you in a while!" She's my ex-boyfriend's mom. FML

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40316

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By engagedmaybe - United States

Today, I found out that my boyfriend asked me to marry him because he could get a tax cut from buying the ring. All of this happened in front of his mother. FML

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By liza - 29/3/2021 16:59

Spirits, awake!

Today, since my alarm didn’t go off at 7 a.m., I awoke to my mother attempting to perform Necromancy on me “as a joke.” She wore a black robe and everything. FML

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711

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 22:58 - Germany

Woodland mystery

Today, walking in the woods, I heard someone screaming like crazy. First I thought it might be a hurt animal, but then I heard syllables in the screams. When I yelled, “What’s going on there?!” there was only silence. It was so creepy, I’m too scared to walk my dogs there now. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Shanghai

Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML

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40170

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, feeling melancholy, I took a blanket out to the backyard and lay down to look at the clouds. My dad came out to ask me what I was doing. I told him, he smirked, squatted over my face, and farted. He then ran back inside and told my mom. She laughed. FML

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By fmjob - Canada

Today, I finally told my parents I would be changing bedrooms because I could no longer stand hearing them having sex, which is awkward and disturbing. Later, my dad came and asked me quietly if I thought my mom sounded "satisfied." FML

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90015

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By Tragic - United States

Today, I heard my mom ask "Are you okay?" I opened my mouth to tell her about how I've been feeling suicidal lately. At that second, I realized she was talking to my cat. FML

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By susiedoggles - United States - Milford

Today, getting home after a long day of work, my boyfriend came running out of the house. Being silly, I thought he was excited to see me. Nope - he was excited to show me the squirrel he shot. In the house. Apparently, we have house squirrels and a boatload of holes in the floor and couch. FML

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2928

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By wtfiswronghere - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my grandmother insisted that Mexicans sacrifice humans every year as part of their Catholic religion. The Swaggart guy on TV said so, and apparently, he can't be wrong, ever. FML

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19624

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By CRH - United States

Today, at 11 weeks pregnant, I excitedly told my best friend that my baby now has fingernails. Her response was, "You're beginning to sound like a pro-life bumper sticker." FML

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By lanikai610 - United States

Today, there was no toilet paper left, so I asked my grandmother if I could use her Kleenex tissues. I found out too late that they were Vicks vapor rub tissues. My crotch has been burning for the last half hour. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Mahwah

Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. Turns out his dad is the asshole customer that I complain about all the time. He recognized me too and spent the entire dinner making passive-aggressive remarks about how bad of an employee I am. FML

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By m…… - 9/4/2021 21:30

Social anxiety sucks

Today, it’s the third anniversary of me not being able to finish a single sentence when speaking in person. FML

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717

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By NevertheKool - United States - Union City

Today, I had a plan. I was going to get up early, eat a well balanced breakfast, put on my workout clothes and enjoy this beautiful day with a fulfilling jog. Instead, I put on my workout clothes, spent hours on social media, ate a pizza and ended up falling asleep on my coach. FML

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By manda8484 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I've been crushing on for a while. When he dropped me off, I said thank you and that we should do it again sometime. He replied, "Yeah, maybe next Halloween." FML

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10683

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By brit - United States

Today, I was listening to my favorite radio station outta Detroit. A commercial came on for a program that was giving federal grants to people who were going into a trade, like me. Right as I was getting excited I heard the words "brought to you by the government of Canada." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

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36288

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By Biologyfacepalm - United States

Today, my students presented their projects on genetics to the rest of the class. One student told the class that salted and unsalted peanuts were an example of genetic variation. She was serious. FML

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By melyeah - Australia - Sydney

Today, to avoid a massive delay on our scheduled flight at the airport, we were generously moved to an earlier flight home. An hour later, our new flight had been cancelled and they told us we'd be stuck at the airport overnight. Our original flight took off fine. FML

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Top comments

By WONDERWB | 2

#873488 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:22

I hate parents that say suck it up. My best friend in high school lost his kidney because he was told to suck it up. He sued his parents for neglect, won and took the out of state scholarship.

By thirdbase1733 | 0

#873553 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:38

that's uhm kinda creepy

COMMENTS

By PsychoMerk | 0

#873446 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:18

first?

PsychoMerk | 0

#873471 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:20

woah o.o this is what power feels like... sorry guys, just had a burst of excitement :)

iAlwaysYDI | 0

#873526 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:31

wow. . .ur life sucks :(

mattchap | 0

#873674 - Saturday 20 February 2010 0:15

I love the brave little toaster

isreal | 0

#874211 - Saturday 20 February 2010 3:08

u should have let her do it if it hurted u should have told her to stop dumd ass

MetroidSlayer01 | 8

#874232 - Saturday 20 February 2010 3:19

Aw, poor you.

brandothemando | 0

#874491 - Saturday 20 February 2010 5:25

ironic,ur name is ialwaysYDI and you
said ur life sucks

M4V3R1CKR13 | 0

#874492 - Saturday 20 February 2010 5:26

That Sucks

Nailbunny | 4

#874673 - Saturday 20 February 2010 6:56

no protectant? that's what keeps it from damaging your skin and scalp.

By seabiscuit1276 | 0

#873448 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:18

hahahahahaha. she's reaaaaal smart.

iCanMakeYoBEDROC_fml | 0

#873697 - Saturday 20 February 2010 0:22

your mom sounds like a bitch.

By connercollis | 0

#873449 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:18

Why didn't you just leave?

elledubb | 0

#873605 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:51

aww cause it was op's place...

By connercollis | 0

#873455 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:19

hahaha

By protwtf | 0

#873457 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:19

Just jizz on it.

DukeSkidmark | 0

#873493 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:23

I heard that is good for the skin.

elledubb | 0

#873621 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:57

eeww you have heard wrong!

By saranottelling | 7

#873463 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:19

Your mom sounds lovely... Shave half of her hair off as she sleeps. She'll have to make the tough decision to go bald or to keep her one-sided hair. Good Luck.

lezzyluver | 0

#874367 - Saturday 20 February 2010 4:26

haha!

By Horney4her69 | 0

#873482 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:21

ouch

rogerdodger777 | 0

#873494 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:24

that's your mom's way of saying don't perm

By SuiGeneris01 | 2

#873487 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:22

snicker I see you're always on,
ydi for not punching your mom in the face

By WONDERWB | 2

#873488 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:22

I hate parents that say suck it up. My best friend in high school lost his kidney because he was told to suck it up. He sued his parents for neglect, won and took the out of state scholarship.

tereshay | 0

#873501 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:24

ooo I needa sue my parents too!

By PsychoMerk | 0

#873499 - Friday 19 February 2010 23:25

why? 0,0