Kids: Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my... - FML

By Anonymous - 04/08/2013 05:29 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, the kids I was babysitting somehow found a pair of my underwear. They asked if they could use them to go parachuting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 209

You deserved it 6 978

Judge and jury

Compassionate management

Hope there's no dancing involved

By tuggernuts - 17/07/2012 15:32 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was using a penis pump for the first time. It was awesome until it sucked my left testicle into the tube. I'll be singing soprano for a while now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 205

You deserved it 43 834

Not funny anymore

By Anonymous - 29/11/2019 00:00 - United Kingdom

Today at work, the security threw out an old man in his 80s that had been caught masturbating while hiding in the ladies changing room. I thought it was funny until my manager told me to clean up that very same changing room with the old man spunk all over the wall and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 199

You deserved it 1 762

Stay at home

By Nataly - 24/12/2020 23:02 - United States - Rahway

Today, after I bought a ticket to Colombia back in April this year to travel in December. I was waiting for my passport to get mailed. My flight was on December 17; I received my passport on December 19. FML

I agree, your life sucks 783

You deserved it 307

By whoops - 06/04/2017 22:00

Today, I saw that the wine bottle I couldn't open last night has a big hole in the top from my struggle to open it. It was a screw off top. Must have been drunker than I thought last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 638

You deserved it 2 083

Don't look!

By Garfield - 21/01/2016 04:41 - Canada - Toronto

Spicy

Today, I was starting to get freaky with my boyfriend when his dad came in with no warning to let the dog into my boyfriend's bedroom. His dad noticed what was going on and covered the dog's eyes instead of just leaving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 554

You deserved it 3 845

By AOart1st - 21/11/2014 03:25 - United States - San Francisco

Spicy

Today, I was rock climbing. I had my equipment on and I saw a really cute girl. I went for the hardest climb in the gym, and while jumping up to grab the rock, I simultaneously farted, missed the rock, fell to the mat and broke my arm in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 118

You deserved it 17 551

No more cheese before bedtime

By mmmmm - 17/05/2021 20:01 - United States - Denver

Today, I had a dream in which an electrical outlet began spewing water. It then spoke to me, "You’re not telling ANYONE about this." I then woke up with laryngitis. FML

I agree, your life sucks 759

You deserved it 70

Lava

By not_fakingit - 22/09/2013 04:26 - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I joked with my boss about calling in sick to work tomorrow with food poisoning to avoid taking the Sunday shift. Tonight, I'm sitting on the toilet bowl in agonizing pain with combination diarrhea and vomiting. My shift starts in 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 476

You deserved it 11 208

By locksmack - 14/06/2009 12:46 - Australia

Today, I was peeing in the shower when my girlfriend suddenly pulled open the shower curtain in an attempt to scare me. Startled, I quickly spun around and peed all over her dress. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 808

You deserved it 57 943

By ahhhhhh - 12/02/2015 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I made my mom breakfast in bed for her birthday. She was naked when I went to give it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 562

You deserved it 6 464

White knights

By not a bitch just don’t like you - 10/03/2021 13:59 - United States

Today, once again, I told a guy who’s been hounding me for ages that I’m not interested. After being asked repeatedly and turning him down politely for so long, I finally snapped and cussed his ass out. Now I’m known as "the bitch" for hurting such a "nice guy's" feelings. I need new friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 406

You deserved it 127

Hormones

By HormonesSuck - 25/03/2021 23:30 - United Kingdom - Plymouth

Spicy

Today, I'm 23 weeks pregnant and super horny. I also cried during sex with my husband because I can't orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 104

You deserved it 168

By FlatTire - 13/02/2011 05:30 - United States

Today, I found out that I have enough driving skills to manage to hit a pothole and have two of my tires go flat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 976

You deserved it 19 451

By hatetheroommate - 16/04/2009 18:43 - United States

Today, I called the campus police "anonymously" while my roommate was away and told them about her weed stash because I was tired of her smoking in our room all the time. She had brought her weed to a friend's and got off scot-free. I have a hearing Monday for the adderall they found in my desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 715

You deserved it 129 756

By thirddegreeburned - 19/03/2013 17:39 - United States - Monroe

Today, I finally made the connection between people in my apartment building flushing their toilets, and my running shower water becoming scalding hot. This wouldn't be quite as bad if there weren't six floors to the building, with twenty units on each. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 224

You deserved it 2 606

By beckbm23 - 21/11/2009 05:03 - United States

Today, at work at a grocery store an old couple came through my checkout lane. As I was putting their bagged groceries in the cart, the old man started feeling me up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 092

You deserved it 2 579

By ValeyFallsAlot - 14/01/2011 14:18

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 829

You deserved it 2 982

By ttsutaoka - 11/07/2009 07:43 - United States

Today, I was involved in a car accident. I wasn't the driver of either car. I happened to be a passerby that was hit by a falling stop sign as a car hit it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 995

You deserved it 2 776

By Stellarum - 18/08/2014 15:13 - Mexico - Mexico

Today, I listened to a little girl explain how her scabs taste great with lemon juice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 559

You deserved it 4 216

By Anonymous - 25/05/2019 12:08

Today, someone overheard my ex talking about ditching me with a year-long lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 649

You deserved it 126

By redneckfamily - 24/05/2013 07:06 - United States - Roy

Today, I realized my family is the textbook definition of redneck after listening to my grandpa threaten to smash with an excavator the trailer that my uncle lives in behind our house if he didn't return the set of tires he had stolen and pawned from my grandpa's garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 928

You deserved it 3 659

By waxer150 - 22/03/2015 22:32 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 237

You deserved it 8 606

By fatty - 03/08/2010 22:37 - United States

Today, my family and I watched Madagascar 2. When we got to the part where Gloria the hippopotamus is praised for her chunkyness, my little sister looked at me and said, "If you were a hippo, maybe then you would get a date." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 053

You deserved it 7 390

By Soapy - 28/06/2009 07:23 - United States

Today, I spent 3 hours washing my hands to get the pony out of the soap bar. I'm 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 636

You deserved it 55 319

By sammarli530 - 29/05/2013 16:24 - United States - New Lenox

Today, after calling the insurance plan for my new iPhone a "huge waste of money", I promptly dropped it in the store while trying to put it into my pocket, cracking the screen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 758

You deserved it 52 067

Come back

By Anonymous - 01/11/2021 01:59

Today after I got into an argument with mom's boyfriend, telling him to piss off because no one wanted him, and he did so, saying he was done putting in wasted effort, now he's gone I realise how much he did for us, or that his share of the bills paid the rent. We may lose our house because of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 192

You deserved it 2 419

By Average Lover - 27/10/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, my wife and I decided to go to an adult store and buy some toys to spice up the bedroom a bit. She wanted to buy a double-edged dildo so "we can use it together". I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 620

You deserved it 701

Nothing

By Anonymous - 26/02/2020 01:00

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 477

You deserved it 2 374

Man child, part 2

By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, I was told I'm lazy by my boyfriend because I skipped work. He skips his all the time and when I get home still have to cook and clean up after him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 855

You deserved it 262

By Samantha Glennie - 13/07/2018 20:30

Today, due to the high pollen count and despite taking hay fever medicine, I passed out in the bathroom from not being able to breathe. My mother accused me of doing it on purpose to make her late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 622

You deserved it 222

By Anonymous - 20/01/2013 02:55 - Canada

Today, I was reading a book in bed when my dad came to check whether or not I was asleep. To avoid any conversation, I pretended that I was. Turns out he was just checking whether he and my mom could have sex while I was fast asleep. I couldn't plug my ears in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 734

You deserved it 9 657

By stilljobless - 21/05/2015 02:49 - United States - Willimantic

Today, I got a call from a really great company that I applied to work for, asking me to come in for an interview. When I went in, they had no appointment scheduled and no idea who I was. It turned out it was all a prank by my brother and his friends. My brother is 30. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 468

You deserved it 2 153

By Anonymous - 04/03/2017 02:00

Today, I found out my boyfriend's parents consider me more of a clingy friend than a girlfriend. We have been together over 5 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 719

You deserved it 613

By Anonymous - 15/03/2010 17:38 - Ireland

Today, I realised I spend more time and receive more satisfaction talking on the phone with Chinese take away than talking to my wife in person. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 130

You deserved it 23 489

By damnnn - 17/07/2015 12:40 - Australia

Today, I was standing on a step ladder to reach the batteries on top of my fridge so I could change the ones in my TV remote. My sister thought it would be funny to shake the ladder and see what would happen. I now have a broken leg and a TV remote with dead batteries in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 787

You deserved it 2 016

By Anonymous - 09/05/2014 22:03 - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 231

You deserved it 4 300

My man

By Anonymous - 29/04/2021 05:01

Today, my man complained about having to listen to my "emotional problems for hours." Yeah, we did talk for two hours, 90% of which was him asking for my advice on which new mattress to buy for his bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 784

You deserved it 93

By NoTalkAllGame - 27/01/2015 16:12 - United States - Horsham

Today, it's been five days since my roommate last talked to me. Although she's not communicating with me verbally, she's excelling at non-verbal communication: slamming doors and drawers, and watching loud videos, all while I desperately try to study. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 867

You deserved it 2 913

By Anonymous - 23/09/2015 12:43 - Malta - Santa Venera

Spicy

Today, I came across the word "pegging". Not knowing what it meant, I googled it and got a very graphic explanation. Seconds later, I realised that the webpage URL actually included the sexual nature of the meaning. The IT department have logs of every page we visit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 846

You deserved it 8 013

By Ouchies - 01/10/2009 22:31 - United States

Today, while cleaning up, I dropped a box of thumbtacks, spilling them all over the floor. As I fumbled to pick them up, the power went out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 219

You deserved it 3 777

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:11

Well... Can they?

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:12

damn... if they were lace I wouldn't recommend it.

Comments

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:11

Well... Can they?

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Sunday 4 August 2013 15:26

Haha reminded me the time i would use my blanket and parachute out my balcony into my trampoline. I stopped when i ruined my mom's garden.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 16:07

say yes OP, gravity will blame them for asking you this inappropriate question.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 19:17

What you should do. 1. Rent a plane 2. Attach said bloomers to the children. 3. Push them out of the plane. You'll have 2 unanswered questions. Are your underwear big enough to be a parachute? If answer is yes, why aren't YOU parachuting with your undergarments?!

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:12

Well, at least they still know how to have fun with things they create themselves? You know, kids became so unoriginal with all the technology they have :-P funny but fyl op!

PterodactylMan 23

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Sunday 4 August 2013 18:10

Creativity never hurt anyone

onaa3r 10

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Sunday 4 August 2013 19:26

I think it might in this case

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:12

damn... if they were lace I wouldn't recommend it.

crazystoner5150 9

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:13

Well did you let them?!

ShadowWolfoxImp 18

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:14

say yes, but only from the sofa. minimize the damage.

ShadowWolfoxImp 18

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Thursday 8 August 2013 21:29

Guess some people couldn't take a joke... Dang. I mean seriously, who hasn't parachuted, or attempted to, off something? Most try bunk beds, others.. they just jump off anything with a sheet or towel.

aimeegoldberg 22

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:16

HAHAHA well tell them they can try and if they survive they get to keep them

patrickalamo 47

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:17

Start by jumping off the house.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:21

Well I mean I'm a horrible baby sitter so I'd probably tell them to practice using them to glide down from the stairs or off the roof, then take it to the sky diving level if it works. If not you can always patch up the wholes and try again.

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Monday 5 August 2013 5:03

* holes

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:22

Tell them that those aren't your underwear, problem solved.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:23

Well, that's a vaild question. Please tell me you allowed them to do it.

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Sunday 4 August 2013 13:26

Oh kids, they just say what's on everyone's mind anyway.... Well, at least they didn't ask if they could use it for their personal hot air balloon, OP.... Time for a little attention to some weight loss??

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Sunday 4 August 2013 18:28

I was just thinking she had granny panties...

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18

You deserved it 10

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 17

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 114

You deserved it 2 192

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 867

You deserved it 193