By anon

Roll with it

Today, my boyfriend encouragingly told me that he could tell I was losing weight, all because I had one roll fewer than usual on my stomach. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Goodbye Bill

Banished

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cleaning my car, I found my mother's underwear in the backseat. She'd borrowed my car last weekend because hers had been in the shop and she'd been called in to work. I see she put in for overtime. FML

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By Chris - United States

Today, I was watching TV when a Toy Story 3 commercial came on. My Mom said, "Oh, I remember when I took you to see Toy Story. Now Andy's all grown up and so are you. The only difference is Andy is going to college and you're not." FML

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By Well then

Today, I discovered that my fiancé and I had vastly different definitions of monogamy. Don't worry, he only did it when he was mad at me to remind him how much he loved me. I found out from my best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was smoking in my car and flicked the butt... into the face of a cop on a motorcycle going the other way. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend proposed. Three hours later, he called me to tell me he was kidding. FML

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By captainfail - Germany

Today, I applied for my first job. I didn't know how to write a resume, so I copied and pasted one from someone else and reworked it. I got on the bus, handed it in, and left. Then I remembered I forgot to change the contact info and date. FML

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By Idon'thave£12000

Could go either way, really

Today, I received a full scholarship to the university of my dreams in England. Being born into a fairly poor family, I've never received anything for free and I worked on my grades like a dog last semester to achieve this. However, the scholarship is only valid if the UK stays in the EU. FML

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By ugly - Australia

Today, I was telling my best friend that I was feeling unattractive, and that I never get asked out. As she was trying to make me feel better, we were interrupted by a stranger trying to hit on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westminster

Today, working as a cashier, I had a customer come through and ask to purchase a bag of ice. I asked, "Eight pound or twenty pound?", referring to the clearly marked weight of the bags. He replied, "What's the difference?" FML

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By painfulintercourse - Canada

Today, my doctor told me to buy some KY Jelly and a dildo to help "loosen me up" so sex isn't so painful. I haven't been able to have sex for 6 months because it hurts so badly, and now my doctor has basically told me to go fuck myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water bottle while in a lecture. The water caught in my throat and it felt like I was choking to death. Instead of asking me if I was okay or trying to help, the guy sitting next to me told me to shut up. FML

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By washed - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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By unhappy - United States - San Anselmo

Today, I had my first driving lesson. I learned how to be stopped by a cop, who told me what a horrible driver I was. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went into my office and told my boss that I hated my job and was quitting on the spot. I tried to leave quickly but I slipped and fell on the marble floor right in front of everybody during my exit. FML

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By Sheila Deville

Delirious fever days are the BEST!

Today, it's day 5 of being out of my mind with a fever. I actually uttered the words, "Spit is a lubricant, not a frictioncant or gripperorator." FML

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By auntoftheyear - United States

Today, I saw my brother's pregnant girlfriend smoking. Disgusted, I asked him why he didn't just stab her in the uterus and get it over with. He laughed like it was a joke, then cussed because he spilled his cereal. He's more concerned about spilled cereal than having a brain-damaged child. FML

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By brutality - Canada

Today, I saw a few old co-workers at the bar. They recognized me and started calling me by the nickname they had for me that I was unaware of. It appears I was known as "butch megan" by the entire office for 2 years. FML

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By negromancer - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

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By disgusting - United States

Today, I walked past a girl in the cafeteria and she threw up. Naturally, a crowd was drawn. Her friend asked her what was wrong. She pointed at me and said, "Get him away from me!" I had never met this girl. FML

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By Depressed - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that we should take a break from our relationship, because it'd be best for the both of us. Later, I found out that she really meant it'd be best for her and her new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Mama's Boy

Today, my husband answered a FaceTime call from his mother not 30 seconds after sex. I was naked in bed next to him. FML

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By bdogge99 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was at the dentist. During my check-up, he recommended a dermatologist. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2020 11:02 - United States - Kenton

Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!

Today, I had a family reunion and there were a lot of people there that I didn't know. The person that I'd been sleeping with for about 7 months showed up. He's my cousin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By Doors Hate Me - United States

Today, as I was about to open a door at school, a student opened it and hit me. As I recovered and was about to open it again, someone else opened the door, hitting me again. Everyone laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

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By eatmyshipoopie - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting it on with my boyfriend when my dad opened the door. I thought I hadn't been seen because the door was only open a tiny bit. I then looked into the mirror by the door to see my dad's reflection, staring at mine, horrified. I was on top. FML

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By ktiskool - United States - Imperial

Today, I was watching my 3-year-old sister play in the bathtub. She started screaming at her toys, saying "You're staying under the water until you DIE!" She then looked at me and cackled. I share a room with this demon child. FML

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By coffee - United States

Today, after my coworker bought coffee for me for the fifth time, I thanked him and asked him why. Apparently it's the only way to get me to shut up in the morning so he can get work done. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I saw a real, erect penis for the first time. My brother's, while he was jerking off. He doesn't know I saw, because he was holding a pair of panties over his face with his other hand. I'm trying like hell to act like I'm not mentally scarred. FML

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By MgmEboy - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

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By harrington61 - United States - Midland

Today, the extremely uncooperative client whom I'm trying to defend in court sent me a letter in which he threatened to sue me, because charging him for my services supposedly violates his "constipational rights". FML

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By hello to you too - United States - New York

Today, I met my new 7ft tall and heavily muscular neighbor. Before I could say anything, he greeted me in his really deep voice with, "Excuse me, but is this yours?" He was holding my muddy 3-year-old son, who he'd found in his backyard, by his jumpers like a stuffed cat. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my boyfriend was telling me about accidentally punching his best friend in the face. As he was acting it out he ended up punching me and giving me a bloody nose. FML

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By Sleepy head - United States

Today, I fell asleep while my boyfriend and I were having sex. What's worse is that he didn't even notice. FML

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By embarassedmuch - United States

Today, I bought a new car, and before I left, the dealer offered to help me set up the sync. I agreed, but I really wish I'd remembered that my Bluetooth name is TitsMcGee. FML

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By maddy - United States

Today, I had pancakes for breakfast, and without realizing it, I got syrup in my hair. After breakfast, I went to straighten my hair, only to burn the syrup and have it get stuck in my hair. There was no time to shower and it smelled. FML

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By Chris Chandler

Today, my cat peed on the kitchen floor. As I went to get the mop, I slipped on the puddle not once, not twice, but three times. In quick succession. FML

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By solyana vr1 - United States

Today, my husband started getting frisky, but I wasn't in the mood, so I said I'd just like to cuddle and talk. He decided a good topic of conversation was whether or not it would be physically possible to smoke my grandma's ashes from the cremation urn. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was out clubbing, when some bloke at the bar started trying to pick fights with everyone. Trying to defuse the situation with humour, I said, "I used to be a tough guy like you. Then I took an arrow in the knee." The next thing I know, I have a broken nose. FML

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Top comments

By Tterreb | 5

#7844414 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:08

Congratulations!

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844397 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 23:53

You're my roll model!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7844397 - Tuesday 17 September 2019 23:53

You're my roll model!

By Tterreb | 5

#7844414 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 1:08

Congratulations!

By acmariner99 | 23

#7844431 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 3:20

Hey, it’s progress right? No points for smooth though.

By Iamthebanzai22 | 18

#7844469 - Wednesday 18 September 2019 6:29

Why is it so ridiculously easy to say the wrong thing around girls? We men are simple creatures, please cut us a break.

By Abbusser | 9

#7844827 - Thursday 19 September 2019 14:11

You should be grateful. Most of us guys never notice these things in the first place. You should be lucky to have found one who is attentive...

By 0neiros | 13

#7845175 - Friday 20 September 2019 18:58

How is this an FML? You are losing weight to improve your appearance, health, and self esteem right? Yes he could have been more tactful, but some guys aren't. The main thing is he noticed, he was encouraging AND apparently proud of you. Maybe the FML should be his, because he has a Girlfriend who doesn't know what the fuck she wants, but no matter what he says or does, he's going to be wrong. That's a shitty way to make someone live, that you supposedly care about.