Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit... - FML

By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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Walk on the wild side

This is us

Can they do that?

By Anonymous - United States - La Porte

Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML

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By dumb mother - United States

Today, my mother yelled at me for standing too close to the microwave. Her reason? The radiation was going to seep through, kill my sperm and cause cancer. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By kaycie_lynn - United States

Today, I chuckled at a "no smoking" sign as I lit my cigarette. I bent my head down to light it and somehow managed to light my hair on fire. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that one of my subordinates, who is whiny, incompetent, undermining, the definition of passive-aggressive and stupid, was given a pay raise. She now makes more than me. My boss values a complete moron over me. FML

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By Needsanewjob - United States

Today, I guess I accidentally left Facebook open on my work computer while I went to the bathroom, because my boss updated my status to "Unemployed." FML

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By xolaurennnn - United States

Today, it was hot out, so I wore shorts. My dad took one look at me and said, "Your thighs are so pale, it's like staring into the sun". FML

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By smth - United States

Today, I was babysitting. The kids were thirsty, so I poured them both a cup of the green juice I'd found in a jug in their fridge. They downed it in a flash. It wasn't until later on after I'd poured myself a cup and taken a sip, I realized I had given them margarita mix. The kids are 4 and 2. FML

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By sadgirlhours - United States - Gulfport

Today, I tried plugging in my Gatorade bottle with a charging cable instead of my phone. I couldn't tell if the reason was because I was high, or I'm just really that fucking stupid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By hannah - United Kingdom

Today, my friend finally convinced me that if I picked up her cat it wouldn't scratch my eyes out. It peed on me instead. FML

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By ugh - United States

Today, I realized that I can't shave my unibrow because I have too much acne on my forehead. FML

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By Joanne - Australia

Today, my mother-in-law thought it would be appropriate to give my five-year-old daughter some bedclothes with the Playboy logo all over them. FML

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By gracelynn980765

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

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By WalkingTalkingCarrot - United Kingdom

Today, my 15 year old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML

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By Jon - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's son mowing their lawn when suddenly he started to do this crazy dance. Chuckling at his antics I waved and walked back into my house. His mom called me from a hospital later to ask if I could put the mower away; he had been attacked by bees. FML

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By human lava lamp - United States - New Britain

Today, I was at the airport, when a lady came up and loudly asked if she could sit next to me. I have serious social issues, so to avoid having to talk to her, I pretended I was deaf and couldn't hear her. She immediately broke out her sign language skills. FML

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By hale_551

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML

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By Anonymous

(facepalm)

Today, while working roadside assistance, I arrived to a bewildered client who couldn't find their spare tire. The vehicle in question was a Jeep. I pointed out the spare, but was corrected as "that's just for decoration." FML

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By 8reth72 - United States

Today, I was helping a couple come up with a name for the baby they just had. I suggested "Joshua" thinking that it was an okay name. All sudden, the room got quiet. Turns out I had forgotten that Joshua was the name of their 3 year old son who had died a couple months before. FML

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By PoorGramps - United States

Today, my greatgrandpa came over for dinner. Halfway through the meal, he pooped himself. My family went through the rest of the meal acting like we hadn't noticed to avoid embarassment. As it was coming to an end, my sister came home and immediately yelled, "Ew! Did someone poop?" He cried. FML

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By superficialheart - China

Today, while riding back from a weekend away with my boyfriend, we crashed his motorbike, resulting in us getting thrown over a barbed wire fence into a forest. I woke up in hospital. Apparently, in his adrenaline rush, he climbed back on his bike and continued his trip, forgetting all about me. FML

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By Roselyn Cazares

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

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By Liz - United States - Salt Lake City

He Tried?

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

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By Rowan Curry - United States - San Jose

Today, I got mad at my parents and threatened to run away. Things got so bad that I packed a bag and left, planning to hide in my front yard to teach them a lesson. It's been two hours, and I'm still standing behind a bush in front of my house while they make no effort to look for me. FML

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By lpspann87 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at the funeral home where I work, I asked my boss if it was time to "bring out the stiff". I didn't realize the guy's family was not only in the building, but within earshot as well. FML

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By Parade - United States

Today, I was on the bus, it hit a bump on the road and made me hit a elderly man. The bus driver thought I did it on purpose and made me get off. FML

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By fuckingfloridahowihatethee - United States - Punta Gorda

Today, I was taking the bus to work, when a man sat down beside me. The guy was nuttier than Ron Jeremy's ballsack, and had a face like a shovel and the worst meth mouth I've ever seen. I had to sit there for ages while he frantically muttered to himself and picked at my hair. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went on a first date with a guy. As soon as we sat down at the restaurant, he immediately snatched my menu and said "You're having salad." FML

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By girly - United States - Canton

Today, my girlfriend of 2 years texted me saying "I can't wait to f*ck later." I replied saying, "Couldn't we just spend time together?" Her response was, "What are you, a girl?" FML

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By fijiflu

Today, at work in a call center, I went into my locker to get my pain pills from a recent surgery. When I opened the bottle, half my pills spread all over the floor. My boss walked by and said, "I knew it!" FML

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By DookDaSpook - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was in a very important meeting on Skype, my apartment complex was evacuated due to the fire alarm going off. The reason was that my neighbor put a fork in his microwave due to him being extremely drunk. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that my dad invested my entire college fund into some shady internet stock, despite my dire warnings about being careful. He told me not to worry as he'd done some research, and he guaranteed everything would be fine. Two hours later that same stock dropped almost 75%. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2020 20:00

Proactive

Today my fiancé left to take care of his little sister who lives alone and recently got COVID-19. To be cautious, he will remain there for weeks until he tests negative. Feeling lonely, I texted my mom for comfort. She immediately canceled our engagement party this summer instead. FML

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By Jims - Singapore

Today, the only person who wished me a happy birthday is the policeman who checked my identity card for being "suspiciously gangster-like". FML

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By e_edge - United States

Today, after I successfully blew up a really large balloon, my mom said, in front of my older brother's friends, "Wow, you're going to make some man really happy one day!" FML

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By Saberwolf - United States

Today, I got a text from a girl that I've had a crush on for a long time, asking me out to dinner. I agreed and went to the restaurant. Not long afterwards, I got text from her saying something had come up, so she couldn't make it. As I was walking back to my car, I saw her walk into the same restaurant with another guy. FML

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Top comments

By passwordis_fml | 2

#577852 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#577867 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

COMMENTS

By Zazu7711 | 0

#577848 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:35

OMG FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

UpYourself | 0

#577857 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

@1 Wow make sure to collect your medal and trophy along with your life

Reply

PumpkinTarte | 0

#577859 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

How can they be more careful? It's not their fault at all.

Reply

pelican2 | 0

#578157 - Monday 21 September 2009 15:05

Orgy anyone

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#578288 - Monday 21 September 2009 16:32

#35 I think you mean "Orgy EVERYONE"
stop responding to comments to get to the top if it has nothin to do with the thing ur responding to

Reply

tianxing1012 | 0

#1359793 - Monday 6 September 2010 10:47

At least you know ppl think you're hot. ;D

By passwordis_fml | 2

#577852 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

Reply

ilovechocochipz | 0

#924006 - Monday 8 March 2010 4:38

i bet op needed help hooking up

By MKflyy | 0

#577853 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

bahahahaha that's amazing.
your friend is legit, take a joke.

Reply

fylahole | 0

#577932 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:37

YDI for sleeping

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#579511 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 2:41

It is a joke! And funny. And I'm sure your friends will understand. People need to laugh more ;D

By Amkii | 0

#577856 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

That is awesome! But why would you sleep while your friend was over?

Reply

ohheykiwi | 2

#577888 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:52

This.

Reply

Amkii | 0

#577901 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:01

This what?

Reply

censorshipoff | 0

#577969 - Monday 21 September 2009 11:48

IS
SPARTA

Reply

darkblue_13 | 0

#578045 - Monday 21 September 2009 13:03

college?

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#578278 - Monday 21 September 2009 16:28

#19 wins

Reply

girandwogpig | 0

#579977 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 8:50

agreed. 19 U win!

Reply

Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7822856 - Saturday 20 July 2019 11:31

Could be roommates with her friend

By null_fml | 11

#577866 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:42

That's hilarious. I feel bad for Mark and Jon though.

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#577867 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

Reply

johnsmith3321 | 0

#1122493 - Thursday 22 July 2010 6:37

lol

By Intoxicunt | 5

#577872 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:44

I wish I had been on your list under a guy's name.
I want to try it out!

By Telia_Thea | 0

#577877 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:46

hahaha amaaazing :P

By Chasted | 0

#577893 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:55

Well... Round for an hour and what your wearing; at least your hot (I think XD)

Reply

cozzybear | 0

#985124 - Monday 26 April 2010 15:16

picks or it dident happen...

Reply

eehizle | 0

#1919191 - Sunday 2 January 2011 2:18

spellcheck or you suck at life.

Reply

ADOG2645 | 17

#6588726 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 1:06

Dude, just pick up some toothpicks at Walmart or something. They shouldn't have to do your errands just so you will belive their story...

By echolot | 0

#577916 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:16

Haha. At least you know you've still got it!