Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit...

By Anathema_360 - 20/09/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 123

You deserved it 3 895

Miscellaneous

Another great day to be alive

Sorry…

Compromises

By "96Ellie" - 11/03/2017 14:00

Today, I finally got a product I ordered 2 weeks ago as a free trial/ only pay shipping deal. Also today, the same company took an extra $130 out of my account without authorisation. Best part: when I called to sort things out, they told me they had no record of my order details. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 974

You deserved it 610

By My eyes were on the prize - 12/03/2017 00:00

Today, at work, the most handsome guy walked in. Starstruck, I went to greet him and then take him to the owner's office, only to promptly walk really hard into the corner of the door frame, smacking my forehead. I have a massive bruise and my boss won't stop laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 052

You deserved it 1 042

By Bunni - 22/10/2009 22:22 - Australia

Today, I was tinting my own eyelashes when I missed my eyelashes and stabbed myself in the eye with the applicator loaded with dye. Now, I have beautiful lush black eyelashes, to match my half closed swollen red left eye. Sexy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 799

You deserved it 30 029

By theleague - 09/10/2010 04:15 - United States

Today, when I arrived at the airport for my international flight there was no record of my ticket in the system. Turns out the flight was yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 311

You deserved it 33 285

By jen - 16/01/2009 00:39 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a couple of friends and one of them tells a funny story about how he filled a condom with syrup and put it in his friend's mouth while he was asleep. Me with my big mouth starts to say, "Condoms taste na--" and stopped myself as everyone started laughing at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 719

You deserved it 27 778

By LonerCow - 20/01/2012 15:15 - United States

Today, I got really bored so I posted on Facebook "Someone should kidnap me for the day." My mom commented, "The only things willing to kidnap you are aliens, and that would be because they'd mistaken you for a cow." 16 people liked her comment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 540

You deserved it 11 603

By frame - 20/03/2009 15:08 - Canada

Today, I was walking my husky when she saw a cat and bolted toward it. I couldn't let go of the leash because my hand was tangled up. Forced to run along, I ran into a parked van at full sprint. I lost my dog, broke two ribs and have to pay for the dent in the van. FML

I agree, your life sucks 97 033

You deserved it 10 230

Recycle this!

By Anonymous - 07/05/2021 00:01

Today, I ordered and paid for a compost bin to be emptied in addition to the garbage. Turns out most of what I wanted to put in there – although perfectly compostable – is not allowed in the bin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 696

You deserved it 140

By kbartlett86 - 24/06/2010 20:02 - Canada

Today, after sitting for hours at my desk, my legs fell asleep. When I got up to go to the bathroom on my break, I couldn't walk properly and leaned against things so I wouldn't fall over. My supervisor then came over and started lecturing me about being drunk at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 379

You deserved it 4 598

By congrats grad - 08/06/2013 05:12 - United States - Panorama City

Today, it was my high school graduation. Everything was going fine until everyone saw my family fighting over where we would go afterwards. Security had to pull them apart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 934

You deserved it 3 393

Family extension

By now what - 26/07/2020 05:01

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 680

You deserved it 180

By bummed and broke - 13/11/2012 18:24 - United States

Today, I bought an $80, "invincible" phone case. One test drop later, my phone had turned into an expensive paperweight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 820

You deserved it 34 866

By hungry hungry harvey - 08/05/2016 16:56 - United States

Today, my wife is so determined to keep me on my diet that, as I'm off work for the next week, she has gotten rid of all the food in the house. She has also taken the phones and iPads so I can't order a takeaway, and taken all my trousers so I can't walk to the shops. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 563

You deserved it 2 505

This charming man

By Anonymous - 02/11/2020 17:03

Today, I found out my husband cheated on me while I was pregnant. And gave me an STD. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 521

You deserved it 96

Panda

By Anonymous - 24/10/2015 01:32 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, at a family reunion, my grandpa loudly said that I look like "a cheap Vegas whore" because of my heavy purple eye-shadow. I could tell that a few other people agreed. I was too embarrassed to explain that the "eye-shadow" was just dark circles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 444

You deserved it 2 388

By Username - 13/02/2012 21:31 - India

Today, my misanthropic malcontent of a son smashed my air freshener and turned my faulty lava lamp on in a twisted act of rebellion. The bottom of the lamp broke and got wax everywhere. My room now smells like cinnamon, with a hint of freshly embalmed corpse. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 838

You deserved it 4 753

By ifeelfat - 17/06/2014 20:44 - United States

Today, while at the waterpark, some guy came up to me and profusely thanked me for wearing a one-piece swimsuit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 073

You deserved it 8 074

Cujo 2: Electric Boogaloo

By Anonymous - 07/10/2019 22:00

Today, I was mauled by my own dog. I own a Chihuahua. FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 1 141

By jaybob18 - 17/06/2011 06:07 - United States

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 372

You deserved it 11 242

Good boy

By Anonymous - 09/12/2020 23:02 - Germany

Today, I told my mom that the puppy she was cuddling had a piece of dried poo stuck to its butt. Her reaction was to pluck the poo with her bare hands, put it on the coffee table next to my food and continue cuddling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 868

You deserved it 95

By mynameisnotdrew - 17/02/2009 17:19 - United States

Today, after some very passionate sex with my girlfriend, she exclaims "that was amazing Drew..." She quickly tried to turn "Drew" into my actual name which does not sound a thing like Drew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 853

You deserved it 4 085

By Ashley - 02/12/2012 10:16 - United States - Huntington Beach

Today, my friend spilt orange juice all over my iPad. She then went ahead to clean it off by rinsing it with water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 294

You deserved it 2 999

By Anonymous - 27/10/2010 05:58 - United States

Today, I spent all day handing out flyers advertising my services as a psychic. I got only one call. The caller wanted to inform me that I had misspelt the word "psychic" on my flyer. She was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 773

You deserved it 42 474

By dead - 09/03/2010 00:49 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years left me because apparently I'm "too beautiful and he can no longer handle other guys always trying to flirt with me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 535

You deserved it 6 452

By GettingACat - 20/11/2018 03:00

Today, I found a mouse nest. In my glovebox. Made out of the $450 in rent money I was going to give my roommate that I had stored in there earlier for safe keeping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 542

You deserved it 745

By Anonymous - 29/03/2015 15:17 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my 8-year-old son told me to grow a pair and man up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 304

You deserved it 7 688

By MyLife - 06/02/2013 08:04

Today, my husband decided to start seeing other people. I found out when I called and interrupted his date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 472

You deserved it 2 615

By usarmywife - 17/04/2017 02:00

Today, at the ripe old age of 27, I dislocated my hip while making love to my husband. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 063

You deserved it 572

By shnigel - 27/02/2010 20:04 - United States

Today, I got sent out of the class for "inappropriate" behaviour. The teacher later forgot about me and sent a notice home to my parents stating that I skipped class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 342

You deserved it 7 297

Loose Women

By Anonymous - 13/10/2021 22:59

Today, according to my husband of many years, he was actually planning to ghost me after our boring first date. It was only the fact that I shagged him senseless that night that kept him around long enough for us to actually get to know each other. Hooray for me being a "loose slut" back in 1998. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 350

By neverdateaclosetcase - 17/11/2010 18:16 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to meet his parents over Christmas. I was ecstatic. But there was one condition: I must go dressed as a girl since he hasn't worked up the nerve to come out to his parents yet. We've been dating for over a year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 312

You deserved it 13 492

Here, have a Turner Prize

By RunningMurphy - 15/05/2009 07:20 - United States

Today, at work, some little girl went in the bathroom for quite a while. Came out for two minutes and went back in. She then came out with her finger clutched in a paper towel. One of the other coworkers went in to check the bathroom. The little girl wrote "Hi!" with her own poop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 544

You deserved it 2 739

By Dean - 15/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, after months of constant encouragement from my friends, I went and entered a singing contest. I sang and was booed off stage. Later on I found out my friends lied to me about my ability to sing, just so I could give them a cheap laugh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 842

You deserved it 6 565

By rotezora - 02/09/2012 12:44 - Switzerland - Basel

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by rapping in a voicemail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 431

You deserved it 3 581

By sadsongstress - 12/08/2009 11:18 - Belgium

Today, my ex got dumped by his girlfriend. Seeing my opportunity I sent him a song I wrote for him about how much I still love him. He sent it on to the girl who had just dumped him claiming he had written it. They are back together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 184

You deserved it 22 709

By Anonymous - 31/07/2017 12:00 - United States - Hurricane

Today, at work, I wanted to scare my best friend, who is also my coworker. Thinking that he was cleaning the women's bathroom, I snuck in and right when I was about to scare him, my store director came out of the stall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 884

You deserved it 3 737

Devious, the lot of them

By Anonymous - 27/09/2020 23:03

Today, I was out walking with a cute girl when we passed by a house with a Trump sign. Trying to make her laugh, I went to steal it. Turns out it was booby trapped. I got drenched by a sprinkler when I got close. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 2 192

By Anonymous - 24/06/2011 21:22 - United States

Today, my daughter was charged with multiple counts of vandalism and trespassing. It seems she's been sneaking out in the middle of the night, stealing and breaking our neighbors' lawn ornaments. Specifically garden gnomes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 167

You deserved it 7 066

By Anonymous - 28/08/2019 22:00

Today, after a day of walking around downtown, shopping and going out to eat, I came home to notice I had a dirty thong stuck to the back of my shirt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 440

You deserved it 614

By Anonymous - 24/05/2012 19:23 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I was eating lunch, and accidentally got ketchup on the sofa, so I hastily doused it with stain remover. The ketchup is now no longer there; however there is a larger stain in its place. I stained the sofa with stain remover. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 215

You deserved it 4 721

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passwordis_fml 2

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

f_alltheirlives 3

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

Zazu7711 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:35

OMG FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

UpYourself 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

@1 Wow make sure to collect your medal and trophy along with your life

PumpkinTarte 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

How can they be more careful? It's not their fault at all.

pelican2 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 15:05

Orgy anyone

greenltrn2003 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 16:32

#35 I think you mean "Orgy EVERYONE" stop responding to comments to get to the top if it has nothin to do with the thing ur responding to

tianxing1012 0

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Monday 6 September 2010 10:47

At least you know ppl think you're hot. ;D

passwordis_fml 2

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

ilovechocochipz 0

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Monday 8 March 2010 4:38

i bet op needed help hooking up

MKflyy 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

bahahahaha that's amazing. your friend is legit, take a joke.

fylahole 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 10:37

YDI for sleeping

violentturtle 0

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Tuesday 22 September 2009 2:41

It is a joke! And funny. And I'm sure your friends will understand. People need to laugh more ;D

Amkii 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

That is awesome! But why would you sleep while your friend was over?

ohheykiwi 2

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:52

This.

Amkii 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 10:01

This what?

censorshipoff 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 11:48

IS SPARTA

darkblue_13 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 13:03

college?

greenltrn2003 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 16:28

#19 wins

girandwogpig 0

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Tuesday 22 September 2009 8:50

agreed. 19 U win!

Shawnie Gallant 24

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Saturday 20 July 2019 11:31

Could be roommates with her friend

null_fml 11

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:42

That's hilarious. I feel bad for Mark and Jon though.

f_alltheirlives 3

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

johnsmith3321 0

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Thursday 22 July 2010 6:37

lol

Intoxicunt 5

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:44

I wish I had been on your list under a guy's name. I want to try it out!

Telia_Thea 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:46

hahaha amaaazing :P

Chasted 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 9:55

Well... Round for an hour and what your wearing; at least your hot (I think XD)

cozzybear 0

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Monday 26 April 2010 15:16

picks or it dident happen...

eehizle 0

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Sunday 2 January 2011 2:18

spellcheck or you suck at life.

ADOG2645 17

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 1:06

Dude, just pick up some toothpicks at Walmart or something. They shouldn't have to do your errands just so you will belive their story...

echolot 0

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Monday 21 September 2009 10:16

Haha. At least you know you've still got it!

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 0

You deserved it 0

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 209

You deserved it 29

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 111

You deserved it 274

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