Miscellaneous: Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit... - FML

By Anathema_360 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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Messed up

Thanks, I hate it!

Superficial World

By inchetogb - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I spent 30 minutes listening to my grandmother telling us that my cat is a medium. My boyfriend is totally convinced. FML

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By naas1201 - 28/11/2020 05:02 - China

Bigger cages! Longer chains!

Today, I'm working in China and I had to explain to my boss that no, it's not okay to not pay me for 3 months. FML

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By mottephobe - United States - Carlsbad

Today, after days of cleaning out pantry cabinets and throwing away infested food, I thought I had finally gotten rid of my moth problem. Then I vacuumed, and saw several dozen larvae coming out of my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, I realized that the smell of chlorine has started to turn me on, probably because my girlfriend has an indoor pool in her house. Guess who works as a swim instructor. FML

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By techiefIve - United States

Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML

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By cricketeer - United States

Today, as my son carried the cage with live food for his pet lizards up the stairs, I heard the sound of 2,500 baby crickets escaping. FML

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By I'm a moron

Today, I woke up in an empty room. Thinking I'd been kidnapped, I kicked the door in. The previous night was a blur, and thought I'd been drugged. I was actually in the room my friends had put me in last night, because I went on a drunken rampage. It cost me $100 for a new door. FML

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By bella - United States - Edinburg

Today, I was babysitting my barely-pubescent cousins, and they started talking about giving blowjobs to their "boyfriends". When I got mad at them and told them they shouldn't be thinking of that stuff, they said I was just pissed 'cause I haven't gotten laid. FML

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By youdontknowmewhy - United States - Keller

Today, I was called a selfish brat for asking for a pillow as my birthday present. FML

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By ew - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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By teriyaki124 - United States

Today, I came out to my mom. I had an epic speech planned, and when I tried to tell her, it all fell apart and I started crying and just said, "I'm gay." After a few seconds silence, my mom sighs and says, "Duh." FML

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By unwanted - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

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By Sam - Canada

Today, I did a barbecue. My boss won't believe me tomorrow when I tell him that the main pages of his 2-months work file helped make the best sausages I've ever done. FML

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By bride - United States

Today, I dreamed I was getting married. I was wearing a white dress, had incredible cleavage and perfectly done makeup. Just one problem. I'm a guy. FML

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By Shep

Today, while sleeping as soundly as I could on a plastic mattress, the night shift nurse in the psych ward woke me up in the middle of the night so that I could take my sleeping pill, which was prescribed as "if needed". FML

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By no more tp

Today, I ran out of toilet paper in the bathroom. I was forced to use tissues to do the job. As if that wasn't bad enough, the sanitizer in the tissues gave me a rash that made me have to stand up frequently in the lecture hall. Several people asked if I had Tourette's. FML

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By S to the HIT - United States

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

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By confused - 12/6/2020 02:06

Can't win

Today, I was told by my wife that she was moving in with her mother, because I was causing her to have panic attacks. She said she still loves me and wants to be with me, but she needs a few months to herself. I have given her her way for most of our marriage. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I started my period. I am getting married tomorrow. So, not only am I going to be on my period for my wedding night and honeymoon, my best friend has to help me change my pad because my dress is so big. FML

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By thefailure - United States

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

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By onlywantuanyway

Double standards

Today, my boyfriend again told me how he wants to have an open relationship. Of course, this means he can do what he likes with anyone, but if I so much as kiss someone else, I'm a cheating slut. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

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By Sassers - United States

Today, I heard a loud crashing noise. I ran into the kitchen to see what it was. My cat had knocked over my fish bowl and had my Beta in her mouth. After scolding her and rescuing it, I decided to clean its bowl. When I went to dump some of the water in the sink, my fish went down the drain. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as my dad and I were leaving a store, a man asked us if we could donate to an Alzheimer's fund. My dad hates being asked for money, and so he immediately hunched over and acted like a dirty, senile old man all the way to the car. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my fiancé of two years told me he was bored of me and he'd just prolonged the engagement to see if anyone more interesting would come along in the mean time. He was upset because no one did. FML

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By FUUUUCK - United Kingdom

Today, I was Skyping with a guy I'm really into. I'm not supposed to Skype at night, so when I heard my mum coming, I minimized the window. She walked in before I could mute my mic and started bitching me out for flushing my tampons down the toilet. FML

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By henry feingold - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were making out in a motel room. Just before we really got started I noticed that I forgot to close the drapes. Once I got up to close them I saw 3 maids and the manager run away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

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By yeasty - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I actually said the words "yes, a blowjob from a guy is still cheating" to my husband. I never thought that would be a problem. FML

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By LordAdam - Australia

Today, I accidentally left my concession card in the photocopier. I then got fined for not having a concession card on the train. I was photocopying it for a letter to get out of a fine for not having a concession card. FML

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By anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By CM112 - South Africa

OK, now that's gross

Today, I found a piece of a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. I haven't eaten popcorn in over a week and a half. FML

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By toast - United Kingdom

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

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By TractorUWG - United States

Today, I received a $100 bill in the mail as a late graduation present. I placed it on the table so I could go to the bathroom. I come back to find the table empty and my $100 bill missing. The fan blew the money on the floor and my 8 week old puppy ate it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got banned from my boyfriend's house for being an "insurance liability." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I witnessed a large woman pee on a pregnancy test in the middle of a Walmart parking lot, clean herself off, then wander around with the test hanging out of her mouth, waiting for her result. Where in the name of Christ do these people come from? FML

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By Glassless

Today, I lost my glasses. I don't have spares but my girlfriend said I could borrow hers. She doesn't understand why this won't work. FML

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By dumb cats - 24/10/2020 05:01 - United States - Victorville

No, Drake, no

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking near a pond when we saw a drake forcefully mating with a duck. She burst into tears and demanded I stop them. When I told her no, that it’s just nature and thats how they breed, she dumped me for supporting and "enabling rape." FML

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By kezbabes - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was driving my grandpa to the store because his car is in the shop. I was well within the speed limit, but he kept yelling at me for "speeding", then accused me of trying to give him a heart attack, and eventually pulled the e-brake, getting us rear-ended. He refuses to apologise. FML

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Top comments

By passwordis_fml | 2

#577852 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#577867 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

COMMENTS

By Zazu7711 | 0

#577848 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:35

OMG FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

UpYourself | 0

#577857 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

@1 Wow make sure to collect your medal and trophy along with your life

Reply

PumpkinTarte | 0

#577859 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

How can they be more careful? It's not their fault at all.

Reply

pelican2 | 0

#578157 - Monday 21 September 2009 15:05

Orgy anyone

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#578288 - Monday 21 September 2009 16:32

#35 I think you mean "Orgy EVERYONE"
stop responding to comments to get to the top if it has nothin to do with the thing ur responding to

Reply

tianxing1012 | 0

#1359793 - Monday 6 September 2010 10:47

At least you know ppl think you're hot. ;D

By passwordis_fml | 2

#577852 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

Reply

ilovechocochipz | 0

#924006 - Monday 8 March 2010 4:38

i bet op needed help hooking up

By MKflyy | 0

#577853 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

bahahahaha that's amazing.
your friend is legit, take a joke.

Reply

fylahole | 0

#577932 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:37

YDI for sleeping

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#579511 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 2:41

It is a joke! And funny. And I'm sure your friends will understand. People need to laugh more ;D

By Amkii | 0

#577856 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

That is awesome! But why would you sleep while your friend was over?

Reply

ohheykiwi | 2

#577888 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:52

This.

Reply

Amkii | 0

#577901 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:01

This what?

Reply

censorshipoff | 0

#577969 - Monday 21 September 2009 11:48

IS
SPARTA

Reply

darkblue_13 | 0

#578045 - Monday 21 September 2009 13:03

college?

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#578278 - Monday 21 September 2009 16:28

#19 wins

Reply

girandwogpig | 0

#579977 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 8:50

agreed. 19 U win!

Reply

Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7822856 - Saturday 20 July 2019 11:31

Could be roommates with her friend

By null_fml | 11

#577866 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:42

That's hilarious. I feel bad for Mark and Jon though.

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#577867 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

Reply

johnsmith3321 | 0

#1122493 - Thursday 22 July 2010 6:37

lol

By Intoxicunt | 5

#577872 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:44

I wish I had been on your list under a guy's name.
I want to try it out!

By Telia_Thea | 0

#577877 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:46

hahaha amaaazing :P

By Chasted | 0

#577893 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:55

Well... Round for an hour and what your wearing; at least your hot (I think XD)

Reply

cozzybear | 0

#985124 - Monday 26 April 2010 15:16

picks or it dident happen...

Reply

eehizle | 0

#1919191 - Sunday 2 January 2011 2:18

spellcheck or you suck at life.

Reply

ADOG2645 | 17

#6588726 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 1:06

Dude, just pick up some toothpicks at Walmart or something. They shouldn't have to do your errands just so you will belive their story...

By echolot | 0

#577916 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:16

Haha. At least you know you've still got it!