Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit... - FML

By Anathema_360 - 20/9/2009 23:19 - Canada

Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML

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Proactive

Great boyfriend

Whatthefuckaburger

By parasheeeet - 13/1/2016 17:05 - United States - Birmingham

Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML

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By nuberific - 5/3/2009 18:45 - Canada

Today, I was in the change room at the local YMCA. I went to use the hair dryer but couldn't because a naked old man was bent over, butt cheeks spread wide with his hands, and ass aimed at the dryer. He seemed to be enjoying it. FML

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By pinkplasticjesus - 20/6/2009 03:17 - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant and only brought $14 with me to eat. I ordered and ate my meal, then went to the counter to pay for it. I threw $2 into the tip jar then got my bill. My bill was $13.86. I had to reach into the tip jar and take my $2 back so I could pay for my meal. FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - 20/1/2015 22:52 - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when a little guy walked up and flirted with her. I'm a pretty weak guy and he looked weaker, so I gave him a little push and said "Back off". He's actually not weak at all. I've got a black eye and a girlfriend who won't stop laughing to prove it. FML

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By churchgoer - 20/3/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I went to confession. I told the priest that I had an intimate relationship with a woman that I'm not married to. He chuckled and said, "You know, lying is a sin too." I wasn't lying. FML

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By emeraldarcher74 - 19/11/2016 18:34 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my mother made me a delicious meal of gravy, stuffing, mashed and sweet potatoes, and cranberries. Overjoyed, I tried to give her a hug. Instead, I accidentally punched her in the face. FML

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By - 13/3/2019 12:00

Today, my ex of 5 years got engaged after 5 months of us "taking a break." FML

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By LMN - 31/7/2009 01:30 - United States

Today, after receiving a message about being hired at a retail store, I went to the orientation for new employees. The trainer seemed perplexed when I told him my name, but he gave me my paperwork and continued with training. At the end of the 8 hour day, he asked to talk to me. I wasn't actually hired. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2014 20:52 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, after my first day at work at a local daycare, I found out that I'm not entitled to breaks because I'm the only worker there who doesn't smoke. My boss asked me, ''What do you need a break for?'' FML

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By fatguyinalittlecoat - 8/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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By Noslo - 10/11/2011 03:52 - United States

Today, in a large church youth group, we were told to write our current biggest trial on a piece of paper, crumple it up, and throw it in pile. I wrote "My mother's death and having to leave my friends and family." The one I picked up just said "math." FML

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By stuckonrepeat - 8/3/2012 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I received the results of the exams that I re-took in order to improve my grades. I got exactly the same grades as before in all four exams. Point for point identical. FML

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By jessica - 17/2/2009 23:56 - United States

Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 09:53 - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

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By kdeeeceee - 5/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

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By TheNewCashierInTown - 23/5/2016 19:30 - Canada - Gatineau

Today, it was my second day working as a cashier in a drug store. I thought everything went great, but by the end of my shift, my cash register was $10 short. Maybe it wouldn't be that bad if on my first day it hadn't been $30 short. FML

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By howtobesingle - 7/4/2016 02:45 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I listened to my best friend complain, again, about the two guys she's seeing, and how she doesn't know which one to choose, because they're both perfect. Meanwhile, I'm cleaning up my dog's loose stools, haven't had a date in over three years and I'm also sharing a room with the very same best friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/6/2014 20:40 - United States - Oakland

Today, my soon to be mother-in-law sent out the invitations she made for my wedding. On them, it says "You are invited to this 'special' event". In the same way, I'm referred to as "special", and my name is misspelled. Hint taken, you bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2017 15:00

Today, some official photographs went live on our company website. As I took a closer look, I realised I was in the background of one photo unloading boxes from a van. My trousers were halfway down my ass, flashing my butt crack for the whole internet to see. FML

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By JCruz411 - 21/1/2010 13:10 - France

Today, I talked to my ex on AIM after not speaking to her since we broke up two years ago. The conversation lead up to her asking how I feel about her. So I poured my heart and soul out to her, because I still love her. She immediately logged off. FML

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By facepalm - 18/11/2015 15:42 - United States

Today, my brother called me a clueless idiot after I told him that odometers measure distance traveled, not a person's body odor. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 17:04 - United States - Louisville

Today, I woke up to a mouse sitting on my pillow and chewing on my hair. FML

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By anonymous - 25/8/2016 02:33 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, I got a brand new down comforter and duvet cover that I really liked. I'd finally managed to put everything the way I wanted it, and then my roommate's dog came and peed all over my bed. FML

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By whyyjustwhy - 9/8/2013 17:23 - Estonia - Tallinn

Today, I copied some files to my phone while borrowing my grandfather's laptop. As I selectively deleted the files from the recycle bin, I noticed some pictures, and ended up seeing way more than I wanted to of his erect penis. FML

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By gorey - 19/8/2010 01:26 - Canada

Today, I gave blood. He sneezed while he stuck the needle in my arm. FML

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By loli-conned - 21/6/2009 22:10 - United Kingdom

Today, I was shopping for my little sister's birthday. She loves manga. I've never read manga, so I bought a couple of novels from the "popular" shelf. Turns out if they have white covers it means they are "adult" books. I bought my sister a "lolicon" manga - filled with prebuscent naked girls. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/8/2019 06:02 - United Kingdom - Blackpool

Today, my legs were really sore from working out yesterday, so it hurt going down the stairs at work. To avoid the pain, l ignored how stupid I looked and limped down the staircase. When I finally got to the bottom, I hopped off the last step. And twisted my ankle. FML

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By Shameful - 18/1/2012 19:57 - United States

Today, my school's 6'2, 270-pound, 375-pound bench-pressing football superstar knocked me unconscious in one hit. With a dodgeball. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2013 14:38 - United States - Seattle

Today, I called a tree removal company to have my diseased elm removed. When I got home from work, I was surprised to find it still there. Not as surprised as my neighbor was to discover that his tree was missing, nor as surprised as his children when they saw there was no more tree-house. FML

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By anon - 28/12/2019 05:00 - United States - La Puente

Explication between girl

Today, I had to have a very difficult and awkward conversation with my best friend about her fiancé hitting on me. She seemed completely unfazed and ended up admitting that a three way with me was actually her idea, but she didn't want to "weird me out" by asking this to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2015 09:52 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, my mom got drunk and started crying at my after-wedding party, after promising she'd behave herself. She thinks my husband is an awful person who'll drag me into a life of sin, all because he has a tattoo and an ear piercing. FML

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By camzzz - 2/7/2011 08:27 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking around when she got lost in a crowd. And me, being a pig, playfully grabbed her butt. I realized it wasn't hers when the guy whose butt I'd grabbed by accident knocked me unconscious. FML

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By parenting_failure - 20/3/2011 16:10 - France

Today, my son was on Facebook while he was supposed to be studying. He called me a liar and accused me of making up excuses to chew him out. How do I know he was online? He liked and commented on a video I posted. My son is a dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2017 20:00

Today, I was running late for my morning gym class. I grabbed a near-empty drink bottle on my way out, intending to fill it up at the gym. Mid-workout, I reached for my bottle and took a big mouthful as I headed over to fill it up. To my great surprise, it was not water but straight vodka. FML

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By shaviTuT - 7/2/2013 19:44 - Malaysia - Bandar Penggaram

Today, after three weeks of holding out, my stingy boss finally called animal control about the birds in the air vent above the register. While I was working, they rummaged through the vents, causing live maggots to fall down right in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2019 22:00

Today, I drove my truck into the garage for a couple of minor repairs. It was returned on a flatbed with a blown engine. FML

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By fuuuuck - 28/11/2011 23:43 - United States

Today, I had a big presentation to do at work, so I got up early and ran myself a bath. I woke up three hours later, extremely late, and still in the bath. FML

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By harrysolo - 19/7/2009 01:26 - United States

Today, I was going on a first date with a girl I really like. We were going to see the new Harry Potter movie, and she told me she was getting all dressed up. It was only after I picked her up I realized she meant that she was dressing nicely. I was dressed as Harry Potter. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2018 19:00

Today, I introduced myself, Pete, to my new coworkers at a shipyard. An hour into my shift, everyone started calling me re-Pete because I have a bit of a stutter. FML

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Top comments

By passwordis_fml | 2

#577852 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#577867 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

COMMENTS

By Zazu7711 | 0

#577848 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:35

OMG FIRST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Reply

UpYourself | 0

#577857 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

@1 Wow make sure to collect your medal and trophy along with your life

Reply

PumpkinTarte | 0

#577859 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

How can they be more careful? It's not their fault at all.

Reply

pelican2 | 0

#578157 - Monday 21 September 2009 15:05

Orgy anyone

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#578288 - Monday 21 September 2009 16:32

#35 I think you mean "Orgy EVERYONE"
stop responding to comments to get to the top if it has nothin to do with the thing ur responding to

Reply

tianxing1012 | 0

#1359793 - Monday 6 September 2010 10:47

At least you know ppl think you're hot. ;D

By passwordis_fml | 2

#577852 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

hahaha gotta love ur friend

Reply

ilovechocochipz | 0

#924006 - Monday 8 March 2010 4:38

i bet op needed help hooking up

By MKflyy | 0

#577853 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

bahahahaha that's amazing.
your friend is legit, take a joke.

Reply

fylahole | 0

#577932 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:37

YDI for sleeping

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#579511 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 2:41

It is a joke! And funny. And I'm sure your friends will understand. People need to laugh more ;D

By Amkii | 0

#577856 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:37

That is awesome! But why would you sleep while your friend was over?

Reply

ohheykiwi | 2

#577888 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:52

This.

Reply

Amkii | 0

#577901 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:01

This what?

Reply

censorshipoff | 0

#577969 - Monday 21 September 2009 11:48

IS
SPARTA

Reply

darkblue_13 | 0

#578045 - Monday 21 September 2009 13:03

college?

Reply

greenltrn2003 | 0

#578278 - Monday 21 September 2009 16:28

#19 wins

Reply

girandwogpig | 0

#579977 - Tuesday 22 September 2009 8:50

agreed. 19 U win!

Reply

Shawnie Gallant | 24

#7822856 - Saturday 20 July 2019 11:31

Could be roommates with her friend

By null_fml | 11

#577866 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:42

That's hilarious. I feel bad for Mark and Jon though.

By f_alltheirlives | 3

#577867 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:43

So, did the bed do the trick? Thank god for Mark and his genuine intrest in beds

Reply

johnsmith3321 | 0

#1122493 - Thursday 22 July 2010 6:37

lol

By Intoxicunt | 5

#577872 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:44

I wish I had been on your list under a guy's name.
I want to try it out!

By Telia_Thea | 0

#577877 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:46

hahaha amaaazing :P

By Chasted | 0

#577893 - Monday 21 September 2009 9:55

Well... Round for an hour and what your wearing; at least your hot (I think XD)

Reply

cozzybear | 0

#985124 - Monday 26 April 2010 15:16

picks or it dident happen...

Reply

eehizle | 0

#1919191 - Sunday 2 January 2011 2:18

spellcheck or you suck at life.

Reply

ADOG2645 | 17

#6588726 - Tuesday 26 April 2016 1:06

Dude, just pick up some toothpicks at Walmart or something. They shouldn't have to do your errands just so you will belive their story...

By echolot | 0

#577916 - Monday 21 September 2009 10:16

Haha. At least you know you've still got it!