By Anonymous

Impossible relationship

Today, I had another dinner with the girl that I started dating a few weeks ago. During dinner, we talked about our families. We realized that we're actually cousins. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

BO Central

Keep the peace

By Anonymous - 20/5/2020 02:00

Better out than in

Today, I had the most excruciating pain I've ever felt in my lower right abdomen. I was doubled over and vomiting it hurt so bad. After going to the E.R., thinking it was my appendix and getting checked in, I let out the biggest most rancid fart in my life and the pain immediately went away. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cadillac

Today, I showed up to my new job early, hoping to impress my new boss. When he arrived, he walked by me and muttered "Fucking tryhard." FML

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By theshameofit - Cyprus

Today, at a restaurant, I ordered the best chocolate soufflé on the menu, which was called "Double Satisfaction". The waiter asked me what would I like to order. The words that came out of my mouth were "Double Orgasm". FML

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By lonely - United Kingdom

Today, I was excited about being set up on a blind date by one of my new co-workers. It turns out the guy she thought would be a "totally perfect match" for me is the ex who cheated on me. FML

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By ill - Canada

Today, I called my dad to ask why my university tuition had not been paid. He said that "my school was too expensive and he couldn't afford it." He then asked me if I would take in his mail while he was away. He was taking his new wife to Hawaii, apparently it's beautiful this time of year. FML

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By rescuetheduck - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deerfield Beach

Today, I woke up with a splitting headache. I have no idea what happened the night before, except for the fact that I'd tucked two uncapped vodka bottles into bed beside me, and now my room reeks of a Russian sorority house. FML

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By stupidneighbor - United States

Today, I slipped on the ice in front of my apartment, spraining my ankle and cracking a rib. While I laid on the ground immediately after, my neighbor chewed me out for saying "shit" in front of her 4-year-old on my way down. FML

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By hfksorws - France

Today, I was at Barnes and Noble with my dad, where he refused to buy me a book because I "already read too much." FML

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By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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By Saradee - United States - Inglewood

Today, my boyfriend ended sex by yelling, "THIS IS SPARTA!" and using his foot to push me off the bed. FML

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By jodulieu - France

Today, I fell off my bike. I grazed my knee, shin, thigh, hip, collar bone, shoulder and face. I also strained my wrist. As I was wheeling my bike away, I stung my other leg on nettles. FML

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By UFVKNP

Today, my coworker and I were swamped with coffee orders. I told him I would "take care of the blacks", and a customer who only heard that sentence screamed at me for several minutes about racism. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Southfield

Today, the person I've been trying so hard to get with wrote me a beautiful poem that almost everyone at my school saw and liked. It was about how we'd never be together. FML

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By Millian2 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got to listen to my younger brother have sex with a girl while I sat in my room playing World of Warcraft on a Friday night. FML

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By gonesofast - United States - Quincy

Today, as I was about to leave home for my first sweet taste of freedom at my new apartment, my car died. I'm stuck here for at least the weekend and can look forward to my mom driving me to work. Freedom. FML

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By Anonymous

Thievery Ltd.

Today, I saw a neglected potted palm tree on the front porch of what I thought was an empty house down the street from me. I took it home to nurse it back to health. When I got home from work, it was gone. Later, when taking a walk, I spotted the palm, right back on the porch I'd taken it from. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard a little girl ask her mom if the round lady in purple was pretending to be a giant eggplant. I was the lady in purple. FML

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By need not know

Still married

Today, while fixing my dad's phone, I saw Tinder installed. He's still married to my mum. FML

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By somerandomchick - United States

Today, my little sister got mad at me because I wouldn't let her read my IM conversation. I took a nap and when I woke up, my laptop was gone. She took it on a trip to her grandparents' house, six hours away. Nude pictures of me and my paper due tomorrow are on the laptop. FML

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By assault and imnotracistbuttery - United States - Waxahachie

Today, I got into an argument with my racist brother after he opened his god damn stupid mouth in front of my girlfriend. He actually tried to convince me that he's not a racist, because one of his favorite types of porn is black girls getting fucked by white guys. FML

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By shadowfigure - United States

Today, I was doing karaoke with my girlfriend's family, when the 5 year old came over and shut off my microphone. FML

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By inthecold - United States

Today, I went to a party 40 minutes away by bus with some friends. We missed the bus, waited half an hour for the second, and arrived just in time to hear the policemen say, "Party's over. Get outta here." FML

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By Pissy

Today, I thought my boyfriend wanted to be romantic by pouring a bath, getting in then calling me in. As I get comfortable, he stands up and gets out. At the same time, I notice yellow water. He'd pissed in the tub for a joke. FML

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By Swabidizop - United States - Greeley

Today, I had the most rancid fart. My dog woke up from his nap and bit me as punishment. FML

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By Carly4244

Today, I was the Maid of Honor at my friend's wedding. Months earlier, we had a bitter fight, but she picked out a beautiful dress for me and I thought we were past it. When I began speaking, the lights changed to a weird brightness and my friend snickered. My dress was completely see-through. FML

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By bruh_im18 - United States - Metairie

Today, I found out the 28-year-old I am dating is actually 48. FML

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By dummy - Canada

Today, my grandpa took out the family for dinner and paid for everyone. He paid the bill and my family and I were waiting by the door. I realised I probably should thank him for dinner. I turn around without thinking and give him a big hug and say thanks for dinner Grandpa. It wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By ally - United States

Today, I was having sex with a guy that I just met, and when I thought he was about to orgasm, he actually had an asthma attack. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2020 05:02

Stiff

Today, I had the house to myself so I lay on my bed with a porno for some me time. I was just about to begin when I felt a sting. A mosquito bit me right on the shaft. I’m allergic to mosquitos, so now I’m sweating, covered in hives and my knob is swollen in a very bad, not fun way. FML

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By ash - United States

Today, was my boyfriends last night visiting my family. My dog decided to go through the trash, then ran up to my dad with one of our used condoms caught on her teeth. My parents didn't even know we were sleeping in the same room. They know a lot more now. FML

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By Customer Stonage Representative - Canada

Today, still suffering from an eye infection, I received a customer complaint. Having red eyes, asking how a patron's day went, and thanking them as they left my register obviously means that I must be stoned out of my mind. Apparently I've moved to a city where you must be on drugs if you're nice. FML

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By Godfree - United States

Today, I was walking to a meeting and saw two girls trying to jump start a car in the rain. Thinking I'd be a gentleman and help them, I offered to assist. The girl whose car is broken down looks at me, looks at her friend, and says, "I think we'd better call the police." FML

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By FMJoblessL - United States

Today, I am jobless after graduation. Ironic, since when I started college with my education degree, I was congratulated, told of the teacher shortage in my state, and how quickly I would be able to find a job. Three years in, the economy tanks, and the state issues a teacher hiring freeze. FML

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By shmarf - United States - Belton

Today, my girlfriend gave me my first ever blowjob and she surprised me by deciding to swallow. Or so I thought. When she came up to kiss me, she spat my man-milk into my mouth and almost pissed herself laughing when I freaked out and nearly threw up. FML

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By Gabriel A - United States

Today, I found some nude vintage pictures in my house. I decided to beat my meat to them. Later I found out it was my grandma. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Canyon

Today, my boyfriend decided it was time to spice up our sex life. He now watches Sons Of Anarchy when we have sex. FML

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By Bartender - United States - Saint Paul

Today, near the end end of my shift as a bartender, a drunk man stumbled into my bar, got upset because I refused to serve him, puked into my tip jar, then offered me half a pack of cigarettes in exchange for sex. FML

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Top comments

By Sinshine | 27

#7856892 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 16:32

What's 'particular dinner'?

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7856893 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 16:42

Ok Giuliani it’s time to break up with her

COMMENTS

By Sinshine | 27

#7856892 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 16:32

What's 'particular dinner'?

Reply

ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7856896 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 16:52

it's when you have dinner with your family but pretend you're not related

Reply

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7857024 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 6:18

It's when you're NOT particular about who you're dating.... ;-)

By mfranks19891989 | 10

#7856893 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 16:42

Ok Giuliani it’s time to break up with her

By ThatOneLonelyAsian | 31

#7856897 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 16:54

Don't worry thats the trend these days

By Charlie Given | 23

#7856955 - Tuesday 5 November 2019 22:28

As long as your not 1st cousins it doesn't matter

Reply

BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7857424 - Thursday 7 November 2019 12:34

Depends on where OP lives. The UK allows it, Canada allows it, and there's a few US states that allow it, as well.

By neverfind | 20

#7856992 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 1:56

Home Sweet Alabama.

By shannon2348 | 14

#7857004 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 3:05

what's a particular dinner? that makes no sense. and big deal if you're cousins. ydi

Reply

jbuckets_404 | 38

#7857023 - Wednesday 6 November 2019 6:17

Yea, the FML moderators sure forgot to proofread this particular FML post (among others)....