Today, I was so tired this morning when I went to take a dump and instead of using a baby wipe, I used a Lysol wipe. Guess I don’t have Covid up my butt. FML
Collection
Wild Nights Out
Last call, bad decisions and 3 a.m. texts you'll regret until noon. Cheers.
Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML
Today, I did a big shit at work and found there was no toilet paper. I had to wipe my ass with disinfectant toilet seat wipes. It burns so bad, I can almost taste it. FML
Today, after a particularly nasty shit, I decided to do one extra pass with a diaper wipe. What I didn't realize was that my wife had refilled the normal container with a pack of Clorox wipes by mistake. My asshole has never burned so fiercely in my 30+ years of life as it did in those following moments. FML
Today, I used the last of the toilet paper to blow my nose while taking a dump. FML
Today, I had the sudden urge to sneeze as I was wiping my ass. Out of instinct, I used my hand to cover my mouth. I never let go of the toilet paper. FML
Today, I had to make a doctor's appointment for my daughter. Apparently she thought it would be better to wipe herself with Clorox tough scrub disinfecting wipes than tell me she'd caught an STD. FML
Today, I was going to the bathroom. As I was about to wipe, I noticed that the toilet paper had butterflies printed on it. Never before had I felt bad for wiping my ass. FML
Today, I had no choice but to unclog a toilet with my bare hands. FML
Today, due to medication I am taking that causes constipation, I have become all too accustomed to using a disposable rubber glove to dig crap out of my own butthole. FML
Today, just like the past 10 days, I have COVID. Today was also the day my body decided to betray me. I threw up and simultaneously shit myself for the first time since I was in diapers. FML
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Top comments
RichardPencil 32
Ssssh! Don't give the gubbermint any ideas! Next thing you know, they'll be mandating that we shove things up our butts. They'll send jack-booted butt thugs into our homes to ensure our compliance! Freeeeeedoooooommmmm!
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
I'm sure that woke you up.
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Comments (3)
RichardPencil 32
Ssssh! Don't give the gubbermint any ideas! Next thing you know, they'll be mandating that we shove things up our butts. They'll send jack-booted butt thugs into our homes to ensure our compliance! Freeeeeedoooooommmmm!
Earl_KarmasBitch 36
I'm sure that woke you up.