Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
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Top comments
Britttx26 0
You got yourself a winnnner!:)
hombrepollo 0
I don't wanna break it to u, but ur not the father...... It's chipotle
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Comments (399)
xoxoAshesoxox 0
Did you keep it!?!?
Wynthos 2
She's a keeper XD
Buzzy123 7
-Insert shitty pun- OH I SEE WAT U DID THAR U SHNEAKY BEACH!
leadman1989 16
You genius, devil, lunatic. I read all of your comments in gir's voice and no matter what it is it's funny BRILLIANT!!!
perdix 31
YDI for trying anal 9 months ago!
THE_A_TEEN 28
Just thank god they didn't do oral, or else they would have an upchuck baby
perdix 31
Or aural sex, or they'd have an earwax baby.
lawrenceps 0
Ewwwww
droln4maltesers 8
My boyfriend and I always joke about stuff like this... Esp about "food babies"... Be grateful that a girl has this kind of sense of humor (that's why my bf loves me! ;) )
KnucklesDeep 5
Does the field hockey team know you're missing practice?
iranoutofnames 6
Marry this girl immediately.
smokeymama 0
Nasty!!
eliasqfuntybunt 2
Oh god I think you dated my ex. If so I foresee about 32978039 more FMLs from you shortly.