Love: Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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Broken bum

Let's go girls!

Creepy idea, dude

By robbed - United States

Today, I realized I was happy because we finally started having friends come visit us after months of not having company. I also realized that our secret stash of money was stolen last night while we had company. FML

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By danielle887 - United States

Today, I decided to pay a surprise visit to my family after I got some work leave. I drove over and knocked on the door, and a young couple answered. Apparently, my entire family decided to move to Texas, and didn't bother to tell me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went with my girlfriend to her ex-boyfriend's house party. She got incredibly drunk and I spent the whole night looking after her when she was throwing up. In the brief moment before she passed out she said "thanks Matt, you're a great boyfriend." Matt is her ex. FML

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By hbt51 - United States - Blue Ridge

Today, while out jogging, I was suddenly hit with unbelievable gastric distress. I wasn't wearing brown pants when I set out on that jog, but I sure was when I made it back home. FML

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By Heather - United States

Today, I thought I would make my first trip to the beach. While in the water, I was stung by a jellyfish. My friend had to pee on me. I went back into the water to wash the pee off and got stung by another jellyfish. FML

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By Anonymous - Senegal

Today, I threw a birthday party for my boyfriend. As a joke, my friend and I served him non-alcoholic beer to see how he'd react. After a while, he faked being drunk, using it as an excuse after I caught him making out with one of my so-called "friends". FML

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By Anonymous - 7/3/2020 20:00

Increase school funding, please?

Today, my teacher began to explain Veterans' Day and why it's on 11/11 to a new student from Iran. He said he already knew, but this was news to almost everyone else in the class. FML

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By loveyadad - United States - Watertown

Today, my dad came home from a trip to Arizona and brought back special hand-picked gifts for the whole family. When he got to me, he smiled, and pulled out a free lotion from the hotel at which he was staying. FML

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By sippinsoup22 - United States - Houston

Today, my cat was being surprisingly loving towards me. Normally she ignores me so I obviously found this rather odd. She kept meowing so I assumed she was hungry. As I was getting up to feed her, she stood up and pooped all over me, my bed and phone, then turned away and ran. FML

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By Jeremy - United States

Awkward

Today, I was getting it on with a girl I've been talking to for three months. She's a year younger than me and it was her first time. So, I went easy. After five minutes she started crying. When I asked her what was wrong, she said I remind her of her dad. FML

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By yuck

Today, my father informed me that he is going to divorce his bitch of a wife, but told me not to say anything to mess things up, in case he wants to "hit that one more time." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by way of making me an account on an online dating site. He then emailed me the account information and left. FML

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By chelsay05 - Canada - Kamloops

Today, I had to go to work on my day off to suspend someone. Afterwards, I got a call saying I can't suspend the person in question because the supervisor who told me to suspend them was wrong. FML

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By still single - Brazil - Santa Maria

Today, it was still easier for me to get an engineering PhD than it is to get a girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of a year dumped me. In my opinion, the relationship was going so well and I really thought we loved each other. When I asked why, he told me he never loved me. He just wanted to get in my pants which after a year of refusing, he finally did. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/10/2020 11:02 - United States - York

All that time I'm never getting back

Today, I ended up being wasting an entire week on a very important scholarship essay because I thought the requirements said “3500 words” when in reality, they said “3500 characters”. FML

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By Cracky - United States - Baltimore

Today, my husband ran a nice warm bubble bath with extra bubbles. I undressed and slid down into the tub only to have the most ungodly pain go up my backside. Turns out he knocked his razor into the water when he added the bubbles. I now have two butt cracks. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2020 09:01

Walked into that one

Today, I stopped by McDonald's with my brother. I asked him what he wanted and I repeated his order. The lady said, "We don't have that here." I stupidly answered, "That's weird. We have it where I come from," and she replied, "Where did you come from honey, 1995?" FML

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By Prego my ego - France

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

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By call me humpty

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

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By NoScrubs - United States - San Francisco

Today, I came to the conclusion I have three kids instead of two, after having to force my husband to take a shower. It's been a week. FML

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By charmed

Today, after being single for over five years, I was chatted up at the airport. Sadly, Prince Charming was a homeless guy who had very strong body odour, soiled trousers, a can of cheap beer and bugs in his dreads. He kissed my hand. I feel violated. FML

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By kj1 - United States - Draper

Today, my boyfriend yelled at me from the other room for washing the dishes "too loudly". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I confirmed that my neighbors burn their garbage in their backyard. How? My dog just threw up a nice smelly consistency of spaghetti, plastic and cigarette butts on my carpet. FML

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By Imagino1234 - Canada - Prince George

Today, my mother sent off a handmade Christmas wreath I made for my 70-year-old grandmother. It wasn't until after it was sent that we realized the box it was packed in was originally for adult diapers. FML

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By "Tick"

Today, after not dating for 2 years, I went out on 2 dates. I got stood up both times. FML

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By ohn0es - United States

Today, just another casual morning. I went to go drop a deuce in the bathroom. Barely being awake I didn't notice my roommates had put glad wrap between the seat and toilet, so i got piss and shit all over me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deatsville

Today, I have really painful pimples on my upper lip. I'm a professional trombonist, and every note causes excruciating pain. FML

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By bucktooth - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

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By shatMyself - United States

Today, I was admitted to the hospital for chronic constipation. I have to share a room with two other girls who are also having bowel problems. We're all on strong laxatives, and there's apparently only one bathroom in this place. FML

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By apparentlyawomanbeater - Switzerland - Cadempino

Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML

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By LOLCATS - United Kingdom

Today, my wife came home from work early and told me she'd been fired. She was really upset so I told her how much she means to me and how much I love her to help cheer her up. She then told me she was caught getting it on with another employee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

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By wideeyeddays - United States - Pasadena

Today, my dad thought it was a great idea to text me and say he decided to put our dog down. I was in the middle of class and still had hours left at school. It's not fun to walk across campus holding back tears. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 08:00

There's insane and then there's this guy

Today, my idiot boss, who says he used to be an EMT, thinks that all safety precautions in the company COVID-19 response memo and everything we’ve heard from the WHO and CDC is bull and removed the gloves from everyone’s truck. We’re a plumbing and drain company. FML

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By BryanTazed - United States - Ashland

Today, I woke up early for work. Had my coffee, finished up a report and headed out of my house. Not only was the office closed today, but the silent alarm was on, which is triggered by a door opening even if you use a key. I was startled by the cops searching the building, ran, and got tazed. FML

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By noneoftheabove - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy some Ibuprofen and got asked for ID. You have to be over 16 to buy it. I'm 25. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was at the beach I decided to go into the ocean even though the waves looked rough. While I was in the water, I got caught by the riptide and needed to be saved. The reason I was at the beach? I'm a lifeguard. Now all my co-workers won't stop laughing at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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Top comments

By 604 | 11

#6065805 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!

By devildog562 | 33

#6065806 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.

COMMENTS

By 604 | 11

#6065805 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!

Reply

AddictGamer | 16

#6065842 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:30

Well combining the two with a hormonal pregnant woman wouldn't help, F both your lives.

Reply

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6066017 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 5:48

Or the fact that she thought he set her up or did it on purpose.

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6066034 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 6:28

Way to break down the whole fml guys.

Reply

clemscott | 10

#6066073 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:41

Smell of shit

By devildog562 | 33

#6065806 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6065973 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:25

And chocolate (if she isn't allergic). This is called "The Great Three" they will save you.

Reply

zoeconner | 11

#6065978 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:30

The great what, #38? The suspense is killing me.

Reply

zoeconner | 11

#6065981 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:32

I apologize. It ended off at "The Great" before she edited it.

Reply

OhWhoCares | 42

#6066037 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 6:34

What good is ice cream and flowers? The woman is pregnant!! Time to pick up some pickles and yogurt OP! :)

By Noah197099 | 17

#6065807 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Talk about holy shit.

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6065825 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:20

So that was the flood from the Bible

By ethan043 | 18

#6065818 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Hope she lets it go. FYL op.

By nyancait | 18

#6065819 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Never fuck with a pregnant woman. They'll drown you with tears.

By SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#6065820 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Air freshener is a savior!

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6066063 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:02

Or scented candles!

By RandomMishaps | 14

#6065821 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:19

Guess you'll be on diaper duty, since she clearly can't stomach it.

Reply

nix1993 | 41

#6065845 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:35

There is a massive difference between the smell of baby shit that's a product of milk or at most bland mushed up food, and the shit of a full grown meat-eating man.

Reply

captainsmegma | 12

#6065966 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:17

My dear shit is shit and shit stinks.

Reply

chinaski7628 | 32

#6065989 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:52

But she won't have the morning sickness to contend with, so I'm sure she'll be fine.

Reply

doraaa01 | 7

#6065990 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 5:00

Can clearly tell you're a male... She'll be able to handle nappy changes as she won't have morning sickness anymore.
My morning sickness has gone and smells don't affect me like they did when I had it.

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6066064 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:04

Babies poop often smells much worse than a grown man! The water in the toilet helps eliminate a lot of the smell.

By lulinator | 40

#6065829 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:24

There's no reasoning with a hormonal pregnant woman. Just apologize and get her some ice cream and chocolate.

By WCARlover | 34

#6065831 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:24

Oh come on OP you definitely made sure to eat beans for that one ;)

By Nyx7 | 24

#6065834 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:25

F both of your lives I'd say, just bear with her, hormones can be a bitch