Love: Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Sorry…

Compassionate dad, huh?

By WIno - United States

Today, I have discovered things not to do while drunk. Like shaving my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was perusing my mom's Facebook. I noticed she has an album of pictures for each member of the family, except me. The dog has an album. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Wigan

Today, I found out that even though my girlfriend of 3 years believes sex before marriage or even me just jacking off is a big no, doing online strip-shows for money is a big yes for her. Both times that I've proposed, she claimed she isn't "ready" for marriage. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was watching 24 and realized that Jack Bauer had gotten more action in 5 hours than I had in 5 months. FML

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By jobless - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my "going away lunch" the company is throwing for me. I didn't know I was leaving. FML

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By MoonStarShine3 - United Kingdom - Chorley

Today, my boss yelled at me for being 3 hours late. I was late because I fell down the stairs and broke my arm. Apparently, breaking my arm is not a good enough excuse. FML

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By ihateeverything - United States - Granbury

Today, I dreamed that I cheated on my boyfriend. I was so overwhelmed with guilt that I called him while half-asleep to tell him about it and apologize. I'm fully awake now and he doesn't believe it was really a dream. FML

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By Dia - 2/5/2021 05:01

You went too far

Today, I tried to prank my brother with the butter floor prank after coming back from work. As a result, my brother stepped out of ER with an arm cast, stitches on his head and a neck collar. FML

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By thefoolwhorippedhispants

Today, I came home from work to realize I had a massive rip in my shorts from my crotch to my crack. I have to lean over constantly in front of dozens of people at my job. Not one person said anything, but now I know why they were chuckling. FML

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By Wouldntitbeniceif - United States

Today, I went for a hike with the local search and rescue volunteer group that I recently joined. I got lost and spent 5 hours wandering aimlessly. FML

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By not my fault you got knocked up - 9/8/2020 20:02

Sister of the year

Today, my older sister threw an epic tantrum, demanding that my parents not pay for my 21st birthday trip. She insists it’s not fair for them to gift me a trip, since she didn’t get to celebrate her 21st. She didn’t get to celebrate because she was pregnant. Now my mom wants to reconsider. FML

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By clumsy - United States - Stafford

Today, I slipped and fell on a piece of plastic. I thought nothing of it until I went to the doctor's and found out that I fractured and dislocated my kneecap. I'm now in a full leg brace and crutches. Prom is five days away. FML

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By HighasaCloud

Today, while typing at my desk, I leaned back in my chair to stretch my arms. A spider dangling from the ceiling must have been watching me since it had perfect timing on its descent right into my open yawning mouth. FML

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By TheDrugsAreStrongWithThisOne - United States

Today, a customer wanted corporate's number because we aren't allowed to sell pies after midnight. After a drug-fuelled cuss-storm, she punched me in the face through the open window and peeled out of drive-thru like a bat out of hell. FML

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By R2A8 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

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By heathenhaha - Singapore - Singapore

Done for

Today, I became the center of attraction of my office floor after sending my resumé to my work Whatsapp group, asking them to share with their friends for job openings. My VP is owner of the group. FML

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By AznKoreanGuy - United States

Today, while getting off the bus, there was a lady in front of me wearing a dress and suddenly her phone dropped out of her bag. I picked up the phone for her which landed right beneath her dress and as she turned around she thought I was trying to take pictures of her panties and slapped me. FML

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By bsulyingb - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "our priorities aren't the same." Her priorities turned out to be getting into my coworker's pants. FML

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By Pixel - Canada - Castlegar

Today, I was supposed to go in for a polygraph test as part of the hiring process to be a cop, but I was so nervous that I couldn't sleep. Finally two hours before the exam, I fell into a deep sleep, so deep that I slept through all my alarms. Worst part: I couldn't lie about sleeping in. FML

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By

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

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By Baconcook3000 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

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By Juiced - United States - Denver

Today, my boyfriend excitedly showed me his new juicer, and used up all the fruit in the house making new concoctions. It was adorable until later on, in the middle of getting frisky, he asked if we could go to the grocery store to buy more fruit. FML

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By hannahlorraine - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my very drunken mother came home. She then barged into the shower with me, still completely clothed, and gave me the longest, most awkward hug of a lifetime. After she left me still in shock, she came back and did it again. FML

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By crazytown - United States - Denver

Today, my psycho ex boyfriend, who I broke up with over a month ago showed up at my work yelling and crying because I didn't get him anything for his birthday. My boss now thinks I'm an asshole. FML

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By twilight zone - 9/9/2020 17:02 - United States

Backwards

Today, I was actually criticized for giving my kids scientific answers to their questions, instead of dumb downed fairytales. Gotta love the public school system, right? FML

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By ilovemom - United States

Today, holding my newborn baby and yearning for some affection from my mother, I asked my mom what the best day of her life was, hoping she would say the day I was born. Her answer? "The day you moved out." She was serious. FML

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By ouchy - United States

Today, I was babysitting three little kids. I decided to give one of them (a seven-year-old) a piggy-back ride, thinking I'm strong enough. I managed to get a few feet before faceplanting on the wooden floor. She is fine though, no pain or anything. My face took the impact for both of us. FML

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By AUDONEE - United States

Today, I received multiple phone calls asking how much my Siamese cat cost. Too bad I never had a Siamese cat - let alone a Siamese cat up for sale. Turns out the guy I prank phone called the other day didn't appreciate it and put my number on Craigslist with an add for a Siamese cat. FML

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By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By Konstantine - New Zealand

Today, I saw photos of my boyfriend at his 25th birthday party. The one he told me was cancelled. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out and was having a wonderful time. At exactly midnight, I get a call from my father. He's divorcing my mother. He's also going to Florida with his mistress for the weekend. If that wasn't the best news ever, he'd love if I found an apartment to live in ASAP. FML

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By aishahahaha_ - Zambia - Lusaka

Today, I walked in on my sister and a few of my roommates planning a surprise party for a fellow roommate whose birthday is a week away. My birthday was yesterday. No one remembered. Not even my own sister. FML

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By guest - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By EpicFail - United States

Today, I fell asleep. I felt something on my face. I batted it away. It was my hamster. It died from a concussion upon hitting the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my fiancé has been jumping out of closets and from around corners with a video camera, trying to catch me naked. He says he wants to post a video online so his old high school friends can "rate" me. I'm now afraid to get intimate, shower, or even change my clothes in my own home. FML

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By Confused lesbian - United States - Lynchburg

Today, I found a used condom in my bed. I haven't had sex in months and now I'm terrified. FML

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By lonely one - United States

Today, it's been a week since I've been in hospital. No one has been to visit me. The nurses have nicknamed me "The Lonely One." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

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Top comments

By 604 | 11

#6065805 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!

By devildog562 | 33

#6065806 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.

COMMENTS

By 604 | 11

#6065805 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!

Reply

AddictGamer | 16

#6065842 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:30

Well combining the two with a hormonal pregnant woman wouldn't help, F both your lives.

Reply

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6066017 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 5:48

Or the fact that she thought he set her up or did it on purpose.

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6066034 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 6:28

Way to break down the whole fml guys.

Reply

clemscott | 10

#6066073 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:41

Smell of shit

By devildog562 | 33

#6065806 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6065973 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:25

And chocolate (if she isn't allergic). This is called "The Great Three" they will save you.

Reply

zoeconner | 11

#6065978 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:30

The great what, #38? The suspense is killing me.

Reply

zoeconner | 11

#6065981 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:32

I apologize. It ended off at "The Great" before she edited it.

Reply

OhWhoCares | 42

#6066037 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 6:34

What good is ice cream and flowers? The woman is pregnant!! Time to pick up some pickles and yogurt OP! :)

By Noah197099 | 17

#6065807 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Talk about holy shit.

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6065825 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:20

So that was the flood from the Bible

By ethan043 | 18

#6065818 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Hope she lets it go. FYL op.

By nyancait | 18

#6065819 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Never fuck with a pregnant woman. They'll drown you with tears.

By SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#6065820 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Air freshener is a savior!

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6066063 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:02

Or scented candles!

By RandomMishaps | 14

#6065821 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:19

Guess you'll be on diaper duty, since she clearly can't stomach it.

Reply

nix1993 | 41

#6065845 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:35

There is a massive difference between the smell of baby shit that's a product of milk or at most bland mushed up food, and the shit of a full grown meat-eating man.

Reply

captainsmegma | 12

#6065966 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:17

My dear shit is shit and shit stinks.

Reply

chinaski7628 | 32

#6065989 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:52

But she won't have the morning sickness to contend with, so I'm sure she'll be fine.

Reply

doraaa01 | 7

#6065990 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 5:00

Can clearly tell you're a male... She'll be able to handle nappy changes as she won't have morning sickness anymore.
My morning sickness has gone and smells don't affect me like they did when I had it.

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6066064 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:04

Babies poop often smells much worse than a grown man! The water in the toilet helps eliminate a lot of the smell.

By lulinator | 40

#6065829 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:24

There's no reasoning with a hormonal pregnant woman. Just apologize and get her some ice cream and chocolate.

By WCARlover | 34

#6065831 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:24

Oh come on OP you definitely made sure to eat beans for that one ;)

By Nyx7 | 24

#6065834 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:25

F both of your lives I'd say, just bear with her, hormones can be a bitch