Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened... - FML

By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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Serious times

Property law

Billy no-mates

By bTOhno - 13/8/2011 06:37 - United States

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML

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By fml_seriouslyfml - 7/6/2009 01:11 - United States

Today, I left my wallet on top of my car when I filled up with gas. I drove away and didn't realize it until I got home. I went back and found it on the side of the road. Empty of my credit cards, pictures and checks. All that was left was my driver's license. FML

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By Toothy_Peg - 13/6/2009 15:13 - Australia

Today, I got a meat pie for lunch. I bit into it and felt something hard. I spat it out. It was a tooth. I checked my mouth in a panic and discovered, with mixed feelings of relief and horror, that the tooth wasn’t mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2020 20:00

Good bye!

Today I was walking around the mall and I saw my crush from high school. He came up to me and instead of talking to him I burped, and he just walked away. FML

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By FawnPrincess - 17/11/2017 15:00

Today, my boyfriend bought my favorite doughnuts for our anniversary. After settling down and pouring a glass of wine, I grabbed a doughnut and quickly realized the filling inside wasn't jelly. He thought it would be funny to replace it with toothpaste. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2011 13:39 - Australia

Today, I ate something really sticky so I had to wash my hands and mouth. I saw a tea towel on the bench so I was wiped myself with that. Then I noticed it smelt really bad. I had just cleaned my face with turps. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 16:35 - United States - Calhoun

Today, while using a public toilet, a guy started pissing beside me at the urinal. The breach of bathroom etiquette then escalated to him taking a long look down at me and saying "Nice sack, dude." followed by him finishing up and leaving without even washing his hands. FML

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By robot lady - 23/9/2020 23:01

The magic of love

Today, I learned just how “old fashioned” my girlfriend is when we talked about marriage. She said it should be approached as a logically as possible and that I make an ideal partner, based on my ability to provide. And while she sees sex as uninteresting, it is a wifely duty she’s willing to do. FML

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By qtpieo1 - 13/8/2010 16:14 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2011 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a date, the first one I've been on since my last boyfriend broke up with me 6 months ago. We were in a restaurant, and at the end of meal he insisted on paying the bill. He wanted to leave a 15% tip but couldn't work out in his head how much to leave. The bill was for £100. FML

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By No thank you - 4/2/2015 20:17 - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By - 10/11/2019 05:00

Love sex

Today, I flew home to Germany to see my wife before I'm deployed, only to find her in bed with another guy. She explained that she wants us to stay together, but she can't take a year without being intimate with someone. FML

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By Guitar-ZERO - 12/6/2009 20:40 - United States

Today, my band had a show. We played a love song, and during the bridge, I ask out a friend of mine who was in the crowd, over the mic, in front of at least 200 people. She said no. FML

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By Baggabbles123 - 8/6/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

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By Lolrus - 28/3/2009 16:50 - Qatar

Today, I was jogging through my neighborhood and then I notice this cute guy running beside me, we stoped and flirted for a while and my mom drove past. She then rolled down the window and said "Honey, you owe me for the dry cleaning on your period pants." FML

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By anon - 29/11/2011 23:59 - United Kingdom

Today, a guy lost control of his umbrella in the wind, which then hit me in the eye, making me bleed. He screamed at me for trying to steal his umbrella. People laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2015 01:50 - United States - Wilmington

Today, we got a new Roomba. I set it to clean and came back an hour later to find shit smears all over the floor. Apparently, one of my cats had done his business in the kitchen, and the Roomba had dragged it around the entire first floor of my house. FML

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By assumed - 1/3/2011 16:47

Today, during a class, I noticed some racist statements and symbols on a table. While erasing them, I bent down to pick up my dropped pencil. I look back up to see a teacher, and got a suspension. FML

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By daughterinlaw - 18/12/2012 17:09 - United States - La Plata

Today, my mother-in-law, who apparently made a copy of our house key without permission, walked in on my husband and me doing the deed. She went crazy, yelling at me for "defiling" her son. Last week, she yelled at me for not having given her grand-children yet. FML

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By Nico711 - 30/3/2019 02:00

Today, my girlfriend and I were out to dinner. She had to use the bathroom, so she went, but the food came while she was in there. She came out, yelling at me for ordering the food to come that exact time, then she broke up with me. FML

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By jobless - 30/4/2012 13:28 - United States

Today, I fell asleep during a job interview as it was taking place over the phone. FML

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By uetlqdja - 21/5/2011 15:31 - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By cauteriseme - 1/1/2011 15:37 - United Kingdom

Today, as the clock struck twelve for the new year, I was in the bathroom having a nosebleed. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2018 19:00

Man vs Boy

Today, it was my first day at a new gym, which cost a fortune. Some skinny teen who had clearly never lifted in his life dropped a weight while I was stretching and broke my ankle. Money down the drain. FML

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By whut - 23/12/2014 20:58 - United States

Today, for my Christmas bonus at work, I got a potted plant and some lotion. FML

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By feminista - 28/7/2012 20:38 - Guatemala - Guatemala City

Today, I finally lost my virginity, all while in the passionate throes of an asthma attack. FML

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By Tonya - 28/6/2009 03:01 - United States

Today, I left the house for a while and when I came back my husband was wearing my lacy lingerie. He looks better in it than I do. FML

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By SwordFish8 - 4/7/2009 21:56 - United States

Today, while on a run, I thought I'd run into a flock of geese in a field. Doing so, I learned that when you do this alone, the birds don't fly away, they attack. FML

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By ufhdafuhds - 19/3/2009 23:31 - Egypt

Today, I decided to have sex for the first time with my boyfriend. It was his first time too. While in bed, he blankly stopped and stood up and got out a piece of paper from his pockets. Turns out, he had written instructions on what to do while in bed, and forgot what he had to do next. FML

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By Upset Mommy - 14/7/2013 04:32 - United States

Today, my water broke. I called my mom, who had agreed to watch my other two kids while I went to the hospital. When I asked her to come over, she just said, "Sorry, now isn't a good time." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 08:38 - United States

Today, while in the grocery store my boyfriend said very loudly "Don't make me hit you in public again!" He says things like this every time we are in the grocery store line. The sad part is that it's better than when he says "Are you gonna pay for the stuff you put in your purse?" FML

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By Tancred - 15/9/2011 07:36 - Canada

Today, at my job serving, I went to clear the plates when the guy said, "Hold on a second." Thinking he wasn't quite finished, I went to put the plate back. He then reached in to his mouth, pulled out a dark brown object and threw it on the plate. It was a rotten tooth. I almost puked. FML

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By stinky breath - 15/7/2014 21:24 - United States - Whittier

Today, I taught my 23-year-old boyfriend how to correctly brush his teeth. FML

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By smsmall - 3/10/2011 12:08 - United States

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

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By mmoments - 17/11/2015 19:01 - United States

Today, I took a picture of the combination to my new lock so I would always have it on my phone if I ever forgot it. I put my phone in my gym locker, locked it with the new lock, then promptly forgot the combination. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/8/2009 20:05 - United States

Today, we had bingo. Three rounds into it a group behind me started to yell, "BINGO, BINGO!". I looked around and saw no one was coming to verify that they had a bingo, so I turned around and said "Stand up." The girl was a midget, she was standing up. FML

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By shitty day - 30/11/2011 10:53 - United States

Today, I have the stomach flu. If my belly growls, I have 30 seconds or less to get to the bathroom. I can't go to the doctor for fear of shitting my pants on the trip there. FML

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By saltynutz20 - 7/4/2009 18:12 - United States

Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML

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By Lonely School Kid - 30/7/2015 22:35 - Canada

Today, I found out why I was always picked up last from school. My parents didn't want the other parents to find out I was their kid. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 12:02 - Singapore

Today, my grandfather was counting all the grandchildren he had and saying how fortunate he was to have all of us. When I pointed out that he'd forgotten to count me, he turned and said "You're adopted, you don't count as a real grandchild" FML

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Top comments

By 604 | 11

#6065805 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!

By devildog562 | 33

#6065806 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.

COMMENTS

By 604 | 11

#6065805 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Not sure which is worse! The smell of shit or the taste of vomit. F both your lives!

Reply

AddictGamer | 16

#6065842 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:30

Well combining the two with a hormonal pregnant woman wouldn't help, F both your lives.

Reply

thebigtwinkie | 28

#6066017 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 5:48

Or the fact that she thought he set her up or did it on purpose.

Reply

Garrett2818 | 21

#6066034 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 6:28

Way to break down the whole fml guys.

Reply

clemscott | 10

#6066073 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:41

Smell of shit

By devildog562 | 33

#6065806 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Ice cream and flowers, they will save you my friend.

Reply

BigLatchZatch | 14

#6065973 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:25

And chocolate (if she isn't allergic). This is called "The Great Three" they will save you.

Reply

zoeconner | 11

#6065978 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:30

The great what, #38? The suspense is killing me.

Reply

zoeconner | 11

#6065981 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:32

I apologize. It ended off at "The Great" before she edited it.

Reply

OhWhoCares | 42

#6066037 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 6:34

What good is ice cream and flowers? The woman is pregnant!! Time to pick up some pickles and yogurt OP! :)

By Noah197099 | 17

#6065807 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:16

Talk about holy shit.

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6065825 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:20

So that was the flood from the Bible

By ethan043 | 18

#6065818 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Hope she lets it go. FYL op.

By nyancait | 18

#6065819 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Never fuck with a pregnant woman. They'll drown you with tears.

By SerenaSerenadex3 | 13

#6065820 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:18

Air freshener is a savior!

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6066063 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:02

Or scented candles!

By RandomMishaps | 14

#6065821 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:19

Guess you'll be on diaper duty, since she clearly can't stomach it.

Reply

nix1993 | 41

#6065845 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:35

There is a massive difference between the smell of baby shit that's a product of milk or at most bland mushed up food, and the shit of a full grown meat-eating man.

Reply

captainsmegma | 12

#6065966 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:17

My dear shit is shit and shit stinks.

Reply

chinaski7628 | 32

#6065989 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 4:52

But she won't have the morning sickness to contend with, so I'm sure she'll be fine.

Reply

doraaa01 | 7

#6065990 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 5:00

Can clearly tell you're a male... She'll be able to handle nappy changes as she won't have morning sickness anymore.
My morning sickness has gone and smells don't affect me like they did when I had it.

Reply

Brandi_Faith | 33

#6066064 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 8:04

Babies poop often smells much worse than a grown man! The water in the toilet helps eliminate a lot of the smell.

By lulinator | 40

#6065829 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:24

There's no reasoning with a hormonal pregnant woman. Just apologize and get her some ice cream and chocolate.

By WCARlover | 34

#6065831 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:24

Oh come on OP you definitely made sure to eat beans for that one ;)

By Nyx7 | 24

#6065834 - Tuesday 16 September 2014 0:25

F both of your lives I'd say, just bear with her, hormones can be a bitch