Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found out that every time my girlfriend takes a big dump, she pretends as if she's giving birth and screams uncontrollably. I just moved in with her. FML
Today, my girlfriend felt me jump out of bed, heard me run to the bathroom and throw up, then looked up five seconds later to see me take a massive dump on her bath mat. FML
Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML
Today, I saw my girlfriend after 10 months of being away. She was pregnant. She actually had the brass balls to tell me I needed to "Man up and be this child's father." Get the fuck out, you cheating whore. FML
Today, my very pregnant wife woke up in bed, grabbing her stomach and writhing in pain. Worried that the baby might be in distress, I asked her what was wrong. She gasped then let out what can only be described as a river of hot liquid shit all over herself and my legs. We both cried. FML
Today, my wife told me she wanted a divorce and walked out. This is two days after she informed me that she is unexpectedly pregnant. FML
Today, my girlfriend blew up at me for a comment I had made several weeks ago about not wanting kids. Then, she told me that she's pregnant. After consoling her and telling her that whatever we do, we'll do it together, she further explained that she's not sure if it's mine. FML
Today, I drove to the hospital to see my newborn. I went to the room, picked him out of the crate and held him. Then I heard the toilet flush and saw a woman who I didn't know come out. She screamed. My wife was in the room next door. FML
Today, I went to the doctor, because I've been having stomach pains and nausea for weeks. He ended up gravely telling me I'm pregnant. I freaked out and panicked about what my parents would say. Then his laughter reminded me that I'm a guy. A really stupid one. FML
Today, I am 9 months pregnant. I had a dream where I successfully pushed and gave birth to my son. Meanwhile, in the real world, I successfully pushed and gave birth to a large dump. FML
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Top comments
Britttx26 0
You got yourself a winnnner!:)
hombrepollo 0
I don't wanna break it to u, but ur not the father...... It's chipotle
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Comments (399)
Egnar 19
Good for you! If you're just "starting to fall in love" with her the fact that she wasn't talking about a real kid is more of a relief. You may want kids in the future but sounds to me like you're not far enough invested in this relationship, YET, to consider it.
bizarre_ftw 22
You know, there can be differences in age, location, and really Anything! But I've found that all martial artists (or maybe just karate guys cuz for the most part its just karate [and in an odd coincidence, guys] that I know) have the same way of speaking. Or approaching life might be another way to put it, which one should expect I know, but it's curious just How apparent it is in their speech despite Every Other difference!!! It's rather interesting and kinda cool to be honest
Egnar 19
Not sure if that's a good thing or a bad thing quiet frankly. How vague of you!
Missy2612 11
Woww that's charming... All class.
Austinj_perez 0
XD well at least it looks like you!
bubo_fml 11
Marry her immediately! Few Women out there posess such an off beat sense of humour, which comes in so handy when putting up with our silly shit! (No offense to your progeny!)
HentaiBunny 4
Aw.. it's got OP's eyes..
bizarre_ftw 22
O.o
Mxpxdude189 0
Haha. that's great
brianjman14 23
EWWWW NOT APPROPRIATE!! Just kidding, have some sense of humor, OP. That was pretty funny.
oilfan11 0
She seems awesome...not being sarcastic either
5t3ff1k4h 47
You're only starting to fall in love with her and you're that excited over a potential baby? Puh-leeze. Wait another year or two and then tell me you're excited. Where you're at now is not where you should be if you're excited to have a kid.
medtosby 0
He was in disbelief, aka shock...I highly doubt he was excited about a baby.
Millman_fml 9
Haha she's a keeper. But this isn't really an fml :P she just made a joke! Chill